26 MP3 Audio clips from Season 6 of Red Dwarf (1988)

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Lister has been in an induced coma for two hundred years. And when he wakes up, not surprisingly, he has a touch of amnesia.

Lister

I drink and I smoke and I have cold curry sauce for breakfast? I sound like some barely human grossed-out slime ball.

Kryten

Oh, it's all flooding back is it, sir?

[LISTER shakes his head]

Perhaps this will help. Your personal artefacts.

[LISTER takes out a photo]

Kristine Kochanski. You dated her once for three weeks before she discarded you for a catering officer.

Lister

She's beautiful.

Kryten

It's your ambition, sir, somehow, someday to win her back and then lie on top of her and move up and down rapidly in that curious way that humans find so agreeable. Personally, I prefer Parnership Whist!

Rimmer likes to think he has a firm grasp of Space Corps. Directives. But he never gets them right. Ever.

Kryten

For the first time for two centuries, we have the opportunity to head them off at the pass, as it were, and recover Holly.

Rimmer

Kryten, you're forgetting about Space Corps. Directive 1742.

Kryten

1742? "No member of the Corps. should ever report for duty in a ginger toupée"? Well, thank you for reminding me of that regulation, sir. But I... I can't see how it's pertinent to our present situation.

You have to feel for this poor sod. He needed to leave a message and all he had to do it with was his own blood, intestines and kidney. Surely a text message would have been easier?

Cat

What's that?

Rimmer

Human remains. Wait. Angle up five degrees. Across ten degrees. Stop. There! Some kind of writing on the floor. P-S-I-R-E-N-S. Psirens?

Kryten

The poor devil must have scrawled it in his death throes, using a combination of his own blood and even his own intestines.

Rimmer

Who would do that?

Lister

Someone who badly needed a pen.

Cat

What I don't understand is why he went to the trouble of using his kidney as a full stop.

Rimmer

I don't think he meant to do that. It probably just plopped out.

The thing about Psirens is that they can appear as anyone to anyone and they know just how to exploit weaknesses to their own advantage.

Lister

We've just got to stay on the case. They'll try and tempt us, scare us, break our morale; anything to force us down on to the rocks.

Cat

Incoming message. It's pretty weak.

[Two beautiful TEMPTRESSES appear on the screen]

Temptress 1

Please help us. Our settlement is almost extinct. There are only women left.

Temptress 2

Barely three-thousand of us.

Temptress 1

If we are to survive, we need males to spread their seed amongst our number. We beg you. Make love to us.

Temptress 2

Make love to all of us.

Cat

You heard 'em; they want seed-spreaders. I'm going to apply. You guys deal with the Psiren thing. I'll deal with this.

When a massive, fiery meteor is bearing down on Starbug, only Kryten can remain calm. Because he knows that it's an illusion. He'd stake his reputation on it.

Kryten

That fireball does not exist.

Rimmer

Say you're wrong?

Kryten

Sir, I'll stake my reputation on it.

Rimmer

Kryten, you haven't got a reputation.

Kryten

No, but I'm hoping to acquire one from this escapade.

Lister

It's closing in. Too late to run.

Kryten

Relax, gentlemen, you're quite safe.

[The flaming meteor hurtles towards Starbug and passes harmlessly through it]

Ah... Smug Mode. Well, I can't hang around here saving your necks all day. I guess I'll go and make a start on that ironing.

Pete Tranter's sister. She's smoking hot. The object of Lister's teenage lust throughout puberty. And now, inexplicably, here she is on a planetoid all... enticing. What could possibly go wrong?

Tranter's Sister

Hi, Dave.

Lister

Smegging hell. It's Pete Tranter's sister!

Tranter's Sister

Remember me, Dave? You lusted after me all through your puberty. And now, at last, I can be yours.

Lister

Stay back, Pete Tranter's sister! I know what you want. It's pink and it's moist and it's in my head. And that's where it's staying.

Tranter's Sister

You know what you want. You want to squeeze my buttocks together to make one juicy giant peach.

Lister

I get it. You're trying to make me drown in my own drool. Stay back, Pete Tranter's sister.

Tranter's Sister

How long has it been since you made love to a woman?

Lister

I admit it's been a while.

Tranter's Sister

It's been over three million years, Dave.

Lister

I prefer to count it in Ice Ages. Then it's only four. And if you count it in "leap" Ice Ages, it's hardly even one.

Tranter's Sister

That's a long time, Dave, for a man of your drives.

Lister

That's a long time for an Albanian shepherd who's allergic to wool.

Tranter's Sister

Kiss me.

Lister

I can't resist you any more, Pete Tranter's sister.

Tranter's Sister

Your death will be exquisite. I'll take you to the peak of ecstasy, and then I'll blow your mind.

Rimmer. He's like the Cowardly Lion from the Wizard of Oz. He has no balls. No confidence. No guts. No brawn. And, usually, no idea.

Rimmer

Uh, where's it gone?

Kryten

It's crawled down into the engine room.

Rimmer

Meteor storm! Off the starboard bow. It's a biggie.

Kryten

Suggest you two man the c*ckpit. Mister Rimmer and I will pursue the Psiren.

Rimmer

Um, that's quite a good plan, Kryten. Excellent in all but one small detail. I think you know what it is.

[Waves]

'Bye!

I wish Rimmer would give up trying to quote Space Corps. Directives. He always (and I mean always) gets them wrong.

Rimmer

Go to blue alert.

Lister

What for? There's no-one to alert. We're all here.

Rimmer

I would just feel more comfortable if I know that we're all on our toes 'cos everyone's aware it's a blue-alert situation.

Lister

We all are on our toes.

Rimmer

May I remind you of Space Core Directive 34124?

Kryten

34124. "No officer with false teeth should attempt oral sex in zero gravity"?

What's the difference between a blue alert and a red alert? The colour of the bulb. That's it. Simple.

Rimmer

Step up to red alert.

Kryten

Sir, are you absolutely sure? It does mean changing the bulb.

The escape pod would've saved Rimmer's bacon. But sadly it, er... escaped. Last Thursday.

Rimmer

Look, sooner or later we are going to have to face the fact that we are not all going to get out of this in one piece. Or if we are, it's going to one big flat piece.

Lister

And?

Rimmer

It's time we decided who's going to take the one-man escape pod.

Cat

How?

Rimmer

Well, if you'll just bear with me, I think I've devised a fair and equitable system of choosing who should survive. It's based on age, rank, seniority, usefulness... to cut a long story short, it's me. I was a stunned as you are, which is why I demanded a recount. Well, blow me if it didn't come out as me again. Keys?

Lister

Rimmer, the escape pod is not an option.

Rimmer

Why not?

Lister

It escaped last Thursday.

Nobody but NOBODY throws up into the hat of Bear Strangler McGee and lives to tell the tale. Nobody, that is, except Rimmer.

McGee

A man beans up in the hat of Bear Strangler McGee, he's either mighty brave or mighty stupid. Which are you, boy?

Rimmer

Sorry, what were the choices again?

[LISTER hands some money to MCGEE]

Lister

You'll have to forgive our friend, he's a couple of Gunmen short of a posse.

McGee

That pays for the hat. Now what about the insult?

Rimmer

OK. You're a fat bearded git with breath that could knock-out a grizzly.

Rimmer believes in discipline, purpose and a sensible haircut. Which is a shame because he doesn't possess any of those things.

Rimmer

You think I'm a petty-minded beauraucratic nincompoop, who delights in enforcing pernickety regulations because he gets some sort of perverse pleasure out of it, and in many ways you're absolutely damn right, but that doesn't alter the fact that the only way we're going to track down Red Dwarf and get through this is in one piece is with a sense of discipline, a sense of purpose and wherever possible a sensible haircut.

Lister

I'm going back to bed.

Rimmer

Would it harm you to have hair like mine?

Cat

I have got hair like yours. Just not on my head.

I'd love to know what this Space Corps. Directive actually says. In detail. The live chicken and the Rabbi have me intrigued.

Rimmer

That's it. I'm invoking space corp directive 68250.

Kryten

68250? But sir, surely that's impossible without at least one live chicken and a Rabbi?

If you've ever heard Lister playing the guitar, you'll have questioned whether or not torture was actually outlawed by civilised societies.

Rimmer

Look at it. All our possesions, all our valuables. Between fire, flood and impact damage we've lost damn near everything.

Kryten

[Picking up LISTER's guitar]

Well at least Mr Lister's guitar survived intact.

[CAT takes the guitar and breaks it in two across the cases and then hands it back to KRYTEN]

Not even Mr Lister's guitar survived intact!

We've all been there. In dire need of an oxygeneration unit and the only way you can get one is to marry a Gelf. A Gelf who looks like Chewbacca's plughole.

Gelf Leader

Ahg nu dewka ana weg bah.

Lister

ME?! He wants me?

Kryten

Yes sir, he says in exchange for the oxygeneration unit he wants you to be his daughter's mate.

Lister

That's his daughter?

Kryten

One of three. Apparently, sir she's the looker.

Lister

Tell him, not if she was the last water yeti lookalike in the world and I was the only boy.

Rimmer

Oh, come on, Lister, you've dated worse.

Lister

Only due to very poor disco lighting.

Not only is Hackhackhack Ach Hachhachach ugly but her name is unpronounceable. Not, therefore, a marriage made in heaven for Lister.

Kryten

Sir, they are a proud people and will not change their minds unless you are prepared to stay here and marry hackhackhack ach hachhachach.

Lister

That's her name? I could never settle down with anyone whose name sounds like a footballer clearing his nose.

It's Lister's wedding night. Time for him to consummate his marriage to Hackhackhack Ach Hachhachach. But he's not keen. Not keen at all.

Gelf Bride

Nee bonnen nic parnin.

[She strokes his face]

Lister

Maybe in the morning, goodnight.

[He pulls the blanket over his head and she yanks it back down]

You've been looking forward to this, haven't you?

Gelf Bride

Nack hey.

Lister

OK, just give me a couple of minutes. I want to slip into something a little more comfortable... it's called Starbug.

[KRYTEN, RIMMER and CAT are just leaving the village. Suddenly LISTER appears in the background running very fast]

CHANGE OF PLAN! LEG IT!

Having abandoned his blushing bride in bed on her wedding night, the crew are preparing to do a runner with the ill-gotten oxygeneration unit.

Rimmer

How long before we can go? We don't really want a visit from Listy's in-laws demanding their wedding present back.

Kryten

It'll take an hour or so to get the oxygeneration unit set up, but I suggest we take off now, sir and use emergency supplies until the O/G unit's on line.

Rimmer

What if it doesn't work?

Kryten

Then Cat and Mr Lister will choke to death.

Rimmer

A plan with no drawbacks.

It's Ace. Ace Rimmer. Dashing test pilot in the Space Corps. Special Service. And he calls testicles, "love spuds".

Ace Rimmer

Dave, you crazy fool. We're all set to save your bacon, there's no need for you to sling your love spuds on the barbecue.

I'll have to remember this one. It's classy. And it's evocative. It brings a wonderful mental picture to mind. Doesn't it?

Rimmer

Kryten, kindly get to the point before I jam your nose between your cheeks and make it the filling of a buttock sandwich.

There's always an old cat saying for pretty much any situation. Most of them are prophetic and wise. Rimmer, on the other hand, is a blithering idiot.

Cat

There's an old Cat saying: "If you're gonna eat tuna, expect bones."

Rimmer

There's an old human saying: "If you're gonna talk garbage, expect pain."

I think Space Corps. Directive 196156 is a great rule to live by. Anyone caught snarfing should be shot. On site. It's disgusting.

Kryten

Sir, can't you see your behaviour is totally irrational?

Rimmer

In which case we can remove him from duty as per Space Corps. Directive 196156.

Kryten

196156? Any officer caught sniffing the saddle of the exercise bicycle in the women's gym will be discharged without trial? Hmm, I'm sorry sir, that doesn't quite get to the nub of the matter for me.

The measure of success for this mission was in no way altered by the loss of Arnold Rimmer. At least not in Cat's eyes.

Cat

All in all, a hundred percent successful trip.

Kryten

Sir, we lost Mister Rimmer!

Cat

All in all, a hundred percent successful trip!

Oh... my... God. Rimmer. What is wrong with you? You'd shag your own sister?! Yes. Yes he would.

Rimmer

As I studied the pod's textbooks, my excitement grew. It seemed entirely possible for me to create a fully grown female clone, using my own DNA as a template. This, of course, created the most enormous moral dilemma. Technically, she would be my sister, and therefore unable to take me as her lover. After much soul searching, I reluctantly decided, "What the hell", I just wouldn't tell her.

You can't fault the intricacy of Lister's plan. It's almost genius. But there is an easier way to escape from a prison cell. Isn't there, Kryten?

Lister

There's got to be a way out. There hasn't been a prison built that could hold Derek Custer. Why don't we scrape away this mortar here, slide one of these bricks out, then using rope weaved from strands of this hessian, rig up a kind of a pulley system so that when a guard comes in, he sets off a trip wire, gets laid out, and we put Rimmer in the guard's uniform, he leads us out, we steal some swords, and fight our way back to the 'bug.

Kryten

Or we could use the teleporter.

I'm not wine connoisseur but I have to agree with Lister on this one.

Lister

Look, call me pretentious if you like, but for me, a truly great wine should not leave you with a foam moustache that you can only remove with turps.