30 MP3 Audio clips from Season 4 of Red Dwarf (1988)

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Lister is trying to break Kryten's programming. He wants him to have the innately human ability to lie, cheat and insult people. Well, Rimmer, anyway.

Rimmer

The problem is, I've been waiting fully twenty minutes for him in the hangar

Kryten

Oh... spin my nipple-nuts and send me to Alaska. I'm supposed to take him asteroid spotting. I'll be right down, Sir.

Rimmer

You'd better be.

Lister

Right, Kryten... remember yesterday's class? An Introduction to Insults?

Kryten

Oh, I'm not sure -

Lister

Now... how do we describe the gentleman who's just been on the screen?

Kryten

Mister -

Lister

No, no, come on. He's a -

Kryten

He's a smeeeeee... He's a smeeeeee...

Lister

He's a...

Kryten

He's a smeeeeee...

Lister

He's a...

Kryten

He's a SMEEGGGGG HEEAAADDD!

It's one thing to describe Rimmer as a Smeg Head to others but quite another to do it to the face of the man himself. Still, points for trying...

Kryten

Sir... you're a smeeeeee...

Rimmer

A smeeeeee?

Kryten

A smeeeeee heeeeee.

Rimmer

A smeeeeee heeeeee?

Kryten

A complete and total one.

The reason Camille can't meet Kryten's shipmates is that she's a Pleasure GELF. She appears to each individual as their ultimate fantasy. Which could be awkward.

Camille

Please... I can't meet your shipmates. Trust me.

Kryten

But you don't know them. You'll like them. Well, some of them. Well, one of them. Maybe.

[To RIMMER on a video link]

Sir, I'm making my way back.

As if to illustrate this point, Camille appears to Rimmer to be his perfect mate. Which is weird because she also appears to be a lot like his sister-in-law.

Rimmer

I'll tell you something. She's so much like my sister-in-law, Janine it's untrue.

Kryten

Camille looks like your sister-in-law? What happened? Was she involved in some kind of horrific car accident?

Rimmer

Who? Janine? No, of course not. She was a model.

Kryten

And she looked like Camille?

Rimmer

Absolutely. The resemblance is uncanny.

Kryten

What did she model... spark plugs?

Rimmer

I happen to think she is very attractive.

Kryten

You do?

Rimmer

Certainly.

Kryten

Do you think I'm attractive?

Rimmer

You? Of course not. I think you look like a giant, half-chewed rubber-tipped pencil.

This is a cheap shot by anyone's standards. Even Lister's. Which are dubious at best. He pretends to be the ship's surgeon just to get Camille naked. Which has got to be malpractice!

Lister

Yeah, well this looks fine. If you'd just like to remove your clothes, we'll begin the examination.

[Noticing that she's not convinced]

Sorry. Dave Lister. Ship's surgeon.

Camille

You're a surgeon?

Lister

Well, I'm not fully qualified but I've seen every episode of St. Elsewhere. Still, if it makes you feel uncomfortable, you know, we can completely dispense with the physical examination and go straight for the malpractice.

Camille has revealed her true self. She's... how can I put this? She's like the contents of the Sphynx's nose during a really heavy bout of influenza. Yeah. A large green blob with an eye on a stalk.

Kryten

Isn't this enchanting?

Camille

Oh, Kryten. Do you think we could make it... you and I?

Kryten

It's the old, old story. Droid meets droid, droid becomes chameleon, droid loses chameleon, chameleon becomes blob, droid gets blob back again. It's a classic tale.

It's the old, old story. Only now it's got slightly more confusing. So bear with me on this one. You might need to read the script through a couple of times. I sure did.

Kryten

It's the old, old story. Droid meets droid, droid becomes chameleon, droid loses chameleon, chameleon turns into blob, droid gets blob back again, blob meets blob, blob goes off with blob and droid loses blob, chameleon and droid. How many times have we seen that story?

It's always aliens with Rimmer, isn't it? Only this time he goes a step further and suggests that they're going to attempt to return a rather famous abductee.

Rimmer

Aliens. They're probably going to return Glenn Miller.

Lister

What?

Rimmer

That's what they do. All those people who inexplicably vanish... they return them. Oh smeg, that's all we need. Glenn Miller on board, boring us to death with Pennsylvania 6-5000. Kryten, open communications channels.

[We hear RIMMER'S voice being broadcast to the supposed alien craft]

WE DON'T WANT HIM. GO AWAY. YOU TOOK HIM, YOU CAN KEEP THE SMEGGER.

To be fair to Rimmer, if I were a hologram and a hideously malformed, triple-headed skeleton with putrefied flesh hanging from it fell through ME, I think I might also sh*t myself.

Lister

[Into his radio]

Kryten

We've found something, Sir.

Lister

Yeah?

Kryten

I think it's one of the crew. A hideously malformed triple-headed skeleton with putrefied flesh hanging from it. It fell through Rimmer as we opened the lift door.

Lister

Is he all right?

Kryten

I believe he's just discovered what shirt tails are for.

Rimmer

All right, Kryten... you don't have to make me sound like a complete cowardly gimboid git. I'm fine now.

Kryten

So, shall I cancel the order to find your mother?

Kryten is about to be transmogrified. He THOUGHT it was impossible but, as it turns out, his brain is part-organic which means he's in serious trouble.

Kryten

Wait a minute... no... my brain is part organic and therefore it is entirely possible for the machine to transmogrify my physical condition. Engage panic circuits. Panic circuits engaged.

[He makes the sort of sound I would expect from a toddler who's just discovered his mum's left him alone on a bus]

Kryten has been transmogrified into a human. It's going to take some adjusting to and he's full of questions for Lister.

Kryten

Greetings, fellow human. Ah! Breakfast. My very first meal. Boiled chicken ovulations. Delicious!

Lister

How you coping, man? Any problems?

Kryten

Well, just one or two. In fact, I've compiled a little list if you'll indulge me.

[Pulls a piece of paper from his pocket]

Now then... my optical system doesn't appear to have a zoom function.

Lister

No. Human eyes don't have a zoom.

Kryten

Well, what about other optical effects like split-screen, slow-motion... Quantel?

Lister

No. We don't have them.

Kryten

You don't have them? Just the zoom. Hmm. Very well, no that's fine. That's great. No, that's... that's great. That's great. Now... then my nipples don't work.

Lister

Erm, in what way... don't work?

Kryten

Well, uh... when I was a mechanoid the right nipple-nut was, uh... used to regulate body temperature while the left nipple-nut was, uh... used mainly to pick up short-wave radio transmissions. Now, what I'm saying is that no matter how hard I twiddle it, I can't seem to pick up Jazz FM.

Lister

Human nipples don't do that, Kryt.

Kryten

I see. Fine. Ah, yes. Now I wanted to talk to you about something... something about, um... well, something I know that we humans get a little embarrassed about. It's a bit of a taboo subject. Not the sort of thing we like to sit around and chat about in polite conversation.

Lister

Kryten, I'm an enlightened twenty-third century guy. Spit it out, man.

Kryten

Well, I want to talk to you about my penis.

Lister

[Smirks]

Kryten

I knew it. You've gone straight into smirk mode. Aren't we both two human adults? Can't we discuss our reproductive system without adolescent sniggering?

Lister

Yeah, of course we can.

Kryten

Thank you.

[KRYTEN hands LISTER a Polaroid photograph and LISTER is clearly shocked]

Kryten

Well?

Lister

Well... well, what?

Kryten

Well, what do you think?

Lister

I'm not quite with you here, Kryten. What am I supposed to say?

Kryten

I want to know... is that normal?

Lister

What... taking photographs of it and showing it to your mates? No, it's not.

Kryten

Well, yes but is it supposed to look like that?

Lister

Well, yeah.

Kryten

But it's hideous. That's the best design they could come up with? Are you seriously telling me there were choices and someone said, "Ah, there... that's it. That's the shape we're looking for. The last chicken in the shop look."? Shakespeare had one? Einstein? Perry Como sang Memories Are Made of This with one of those stashed in his slacks?

Lister

Well, yeah.

Kryten

No wonder humans don't have a zoom function. Ugh!

Popular culture has a lot to answer for. I mean, René Descartes was a genius but the credit now goes to Popeye, apparently.

Lister

You are what you are. Wasn't it Descartes who said, "I am what I am"?

Rimmer

No. It was Popeye the Sailorman.

Cat. He's vain, he's self-centred and he's of the opinion that any woman anywhere in the world would fall helplessly in love (or at very least lust) with him.

Lister

I just think you're a little bit cocky for a guy who's never actually met a real woman before.

Cat

I've seen mirrors. I have eyes. Let's face it, buddy... I have a body that makes men wet.

Kryten is acting as defence lawyer for Rimmer who's been sentenced for multiple counts of murder. He's called Lister to the stand. Which probably wasn't a great idea to be honest.

Kryten

Name?

Lister

Dave Lister.

Kryten

Occupation?

Lister

Erm, bum.

Kryten

Hmm. Would you describe the accused as a friend?

Cat

TAKE THE FIFTH!

Kryten

Now please answer the question. Remember, you are under polygraphic surveillance. Would you describe the accused as a friend?

Lister

Nah, I'd describe the accused as a git.

Kryten

Who would you say, then, is the person who thinks of him most fondly?

Lister

I do.

Kryten

Hmm. And are there no others who've shared moments of intimacy with him?

Lister

Only one but she's got a puncture!

Rimmer

OBJECTION!

Red Dwarf has lost all power. Nothing's working. But the crew HAVE to reach the Science Room. What will they do?

Lister

Everything's down, man. Even the doors.

Rimmer

We've got to get to the Science Room... find out what's happened.

Kryten

But there are fifty-three doors between here and the Science Room. What on Earth are we going to do?

Cat

Hey! I got it! We laser our way through.

Kryten

Ah! An excellent suggestion, sir with just two minor drawbacks. One: we don't have a power-source for the lasers and two: we don't have any lasers.

Things aren't going too well. It's all pretty bleak. I think Kryten sums it up best when he says...

Cat

Great. So where does this leave us?

Kryten

It leaves us floating aimlessly in space. With no navigation and a... rapidly diminishing emergency power supply. It leaves us galloping up diarrhoea drive without a saddle!

Space Corps. Directive 195. Rimmer's not a fan. But then he IS the hologram that must lay down his life so that Lister and The Cat might survive.

Kryten

I'm sorry, Sir.

Rimmer

Sorry? Why are you sorry?

Kryten

Well, the Space Corps. Directive 195 clearly states that in an emergency power situation, a hologrammatic crew member must lay down his life in order that the living crew members might survive.

Rimmer

Yes but Rimmer Directive 271 states, just as clearly, "no chance, you metal bastard!"

Lister has just utilised his formidable pool skills to send a planet into a white hole, sealing it and saving the universe. He celebrates as only Lister can.

Lister

Intended! Pool god. King of the cues. Prince of the planet potters!

In an alternative universe, Rimmer is "Ace", an elite Test Pilot in the Space Corps. and... he's quite a guy.

Ace

Commander Arnold Rimmer reporting for debriefing.

Milly

So, you dog. You're back.

Ace

Did you ever doubt it when I've got someone like you to come back to?

Milly

If only it were true. What are you doing lunch time?

Ace

Not sure. Why?

Milly

Because if you're interested, I'll be in my quarters... covered in maple syrup.

Ace

I'm sorry Millie, I don't fraternise with the staff.

Milly

I resign.

Ace

I'll be there at thirteen hundred.

And it's not just Millie who's got the hots for Ace. Even his commanding officer can't help but fantasise about a certain messy lunchtime liaison.

Bongo

I know this probably won't interest you but, uh... I'd hate myself for the rest of my life if I didn't at least suggest it.

Ace

Suggest what?

Bongo

If you're interested, I'll be in my quarters at lunch time, covered in taramosalata.

Ace

I didn't know your bread was buttered that side, Bongo?

Bongo

It isn't. It's been happily married for thirty-five years. It's just a... chap like you can turn a guy's head.

Ace

I'm sorry, Bongo. Lunch is... on Milly.

Bongo

Would it make any difference if it was... hummus?

Ace

I'm sorry, Bongo. I'm strictly butter side up.

Bongo

Understood. What a guy!

Lister, The Cat, Kryten and even Hilly are planning to abandon Rimmer on Red Dwarf and go fishing. Their plans go slightly awry when Rimmer, inconveniently, wakes up and catches them leaving.

Rimmer

I don't believe anybody'd want to go on a fishing holiday where they know there's no fish.

Lister

We used to do it all the time back home. We used to go down the canal. Never any fish in that. We used to go condom fishing. I swear, one time I caught this two pound black ribbed nobbler. It was about that big!

Holy sh*t! And Rimmer wonders why he's about as popular as a fart in a spacesuit. With hobbies like these, it's amazing he's not been smothered in his sleep.

Rimmer

I try to be liked. God knows I try. I regale you with amusing stories about when I was treasurer of the Hammond Organ Owners Society. You never laugh. I offer to talk you through my photo collection of twentieth-century telegraph poles. You've always got some excuse. None of you like Morris Dancing. Would that break your hearts? Every once in a while, the four of us getting our knees up in the air? The jingle of bells? The clonk of wood on wood?

Yeah. You see? Not even his taste in MUSIC is enough to win friends. It makes you wonder what purpose Rimmer serves at all.

Rimmer

You don't like Reggie Wilson? What?! Not even Pop Goes Delius or Funking Up Wagner?

Lister

I prefer something slightly more melodious... like the long drawn-out death-rattle of a man suffering from terminal flatulence.

When Rimmer asked Hilly for a damage report following a slight mishap left them stuck in a swamp, he probably wasn't expecting this.

Hilly

Doesn't look good. We've lost the port engine, the starboard engine's packed up, the fuel line's severed, we're taking in water through the hull, we lost the landing jets, half the electric's out and the elastic's snapped on the furry dice.

Rimmer

What does that mean in real terms?

Hilly

Well, it means you've got a more tasteful cockpit.

Rimmer doesn't like Ace. Not one jot. Because Ace is everything Rimmer wanted to be. Everything Rimmer could have been. It's jealousy. And it's sickening.

Rimmer

I ask you. "ACE!" Barf City. I bet you anything he wears womens' underwear. They're all the same, his type you know. Hurly burly rough and tumble marines in public and behind closed doors he'll be parading up and down in taffeta ball gowns and drinking mint juleps, whipping the house boy.

Okay so I have to admit that Ace is grating even on MY nerves now. Mainly because he's making up medical terms as he goes along. What's microboliton when it's at home? Oh and it's cortisol adrenaline.

Ace

Kryten... I'll need five hundred cc's of cortico adrenaline, two pints of plasma, a laser scalpel, and some kind of tissue sample a microboliton will do.

Rimmer

Oh my god!

Ace

Field micro-surgery. All part of basic training in the Space Corps. Special Service. I'll go scrub up.

Rimmer

I'll go and throw up.

On Waxworld, the famous rub shoulders with the infamous. And cartoon characters. Some of whom have clearly committed some heinous offence deserving of the death penalty. What did Winnie The Pooh do?!

Lister

Hang on. These guys aren't Nazis. They're all wearing different period costumes. There's one looks like Al Capone. There's another like Mussolini. Richard III, Napoleon... smeg! It's like all the worst people in history have been brought together in one place. Oh my god, there's James Last! I recognise him from Rimmer's record collection.

Cat

What are they doing?

Lister

I don't know, they're just lining up in... some kind of firing squad. Whoa, whoa, hang on, hang on... someone's being brought out. They're tying him to a stake. It's Winnie The Pooh.

Cat

What?!

Lister

Winnie The Pooh, I swear. He's refusing the blindfold.

Cat

They're tying Winnie The Pooh to the stake?

[A volley of small-arms fire rings out]

Lister

That's something no-one should ever have to see!

Caligula has ways of making you talk. And most of them involve your bottom and a variety of animals, some soapy and some rampant. I'll leave that there, I think.

Caligula

Very well, if that's the way you want to play it... Rasputin, bring in the bucket of soapy frogs and remove his trousers!

Lister

Hang on, it's got something to do with travelling across sub space.

Caligula

Demonstrate.

Lister

Well, like I said, I don't really know.

Caligula

Very well. Rasputin, bring hither the skin-diving suit with the bottom cut out and unleash the rampant wildebeest.

Rimmer has taken the role of Commander in Chief of the Waxworld army. Kryten is joining him for his inspection of the ranks. And Rimmer clearly isn't amused.

Rimmer

What's your name, soldier?

Kryten

His name's Gandhi, sir, Mahatma Ghandi.

Rimmer

Well, get him out of that damn nappy and into a uniform. Have you no pride man? Don't you want to win this war? Don't eyeball me, Ghandi. Get on the floor and give me 50, NOW!

Kryten

Theresa, sir, Mother Theresa. Assisi, sir, Saint Francis of Assisi.

Rimmer

There's only two kinds from Assisi, steers and queers... which are you, boy?

Kryten

Uh, Mr Noël Coward, Sir.

Noël Coward

Delighted to meet you, dear boy.

Rimmer

Shut up!

Kryten

Ah, Monsieur Jean-Paul Sartre, sir.

Rimmer

Who?

Kryten

He's a philosopher, sir... an existentialist.

Rimmer

Well, Sartre, we don't like existentialists around here, and we certainly don't like French philosophers poncing around in their black polo necks filling everyone's heads with their theories about the bleakness of existence and absurdity of the cosmos, clear?

Elvis has obviously been watching Full Metal Jacket. Because he's got his ragtag army of wax soldiers speed marching to the kind of song only HE could come up with.

Elvis

We are tough and we are mean!

Troops

Arnie Rimmer's death machine.

Elvis

All we do is kill and slay.

Troops

Don't care if we get blown away.

Elvis

A R Hay Hi He

Troops

A R Hay Hi He

Elvis

Arnie Rimmer's Death machineeeeen aeeeen aeeeen.