19 MP3 Audio clips from Season 3 of Red Dwarf (1988)

PLAY ALL 247 CLIPS IN THE RANDOMISER™

I hate to admit this but... I've had this conversation. And not as a child. As an adult. In fact, only a few months ago. Looks like I may need some therapy.

Lister

Cat?

Cat

Hmm?

Lister

Did you ever see The Flintstones?

Cat

Sure.

Lister

Do you think Wilma's sexy?

Cat

Wilma Flintstone?

Lister

Maybe we've been alone in deep space too long but every time I see that show, her body drives me crazy. Is it me?

Cat

I think, in all probability, Wilma Flintstone is the most desirable woman who ever lived.

Lister

That's good. I thought I was going strange.

Cat

She's incredible.

Lister

What do you think of Betty?

Cat

Betty Rubble? Well, I would go with Betty. But I'd be thinking of Wilma.

This is the bar scene from Backwards. And, apparently, I'm the "one prat in the country who bothered to turn the recording around".

Pub Manager

[Speaking backwards]

Kryten

What fight? We didn't start any fight.

Rimmer

What's he saying?

[Now, we run the audio in reverse so that you can enjoy the hidden message in this episode]

Pub Manager

You are a stupid, square-headed, bald git. Aren't you? And you. I'm pointing at you and I'm pointing at you but I'm not actually addressing you. I'm addressing the one prat in the country who's bothered to get hold of this recording, turn it round and actually work out the rubbish that I'm saying. What a poor, sad life he's got! Frankly your act's crap anyway. Anybody could've done that, I hate the lot of you. Bollocks to you!

With Holly in charge of the day-to-day running of Red Dwarf, the crew have nothing to worry about. She's dependable and always calm in an emergency.

Holly

ABANDON SHIP! ABANDON SHIP! BLACK HOLE APPROACHING. THIS IS NOT A DRILL. THIS IS A DRILL...

[She plays a breaker drill sound effect]

Holly

ABANDON SHIP! OH GAWD! NOW THE SIREN'S BUST. AWOOGA, AWOOGA, ABANDON SHIP!

Lister and Rimmer are marooned on an ice planet. Supplies are running low. Which means that Lister must make the ultimate sacrifice,

Rimmer

You're going to eat the dog food?

Lister

Yeah, yeah... I haven't eaten for six days. I'm gonna eat the dog food.

Rimmer

I'm sure the dog food'll be lovely.

Lister

Rimmer, this isn't dog food. This is a piece of prime fillet steak in blue cheese sauce, it's been charcoal broiled in garlic butter and is going to tase delicious... delicious... delicious!

[He puts a fork-full of dog food into his mouth and chews reluctantly]

Well, now I can see why dogs lick their testicles!

A Polymorph has invaded Red Dwarf and it's feeding on the negative emotions of the crew. It's time for fight or flight. But this is Rimmer we're talking about. So flight it is!

Rimmer

Right, as far as I can see it, we have two options. One: take it on and kill it. Or two: run away. Who's for two?

Kryten

Uh, two sounds pretty good to me, Sir.

Cat

It's always been my lucky number!

Rimmer

Right, well lets load up Starbug and get out of here.

Holly

What about Lister?

Rimmer

Oh, just seal the hatch from the inside. He'll be safe here until we're ready to go.

Holly

Remember... it's out there. And it could be anything.

Rimmer

Let's move it.

Kryten

What about the Space Corps. Directive which states it is our primary, overriding duty to contact other life forms, exchange information and, wherever possible, bring them home?

Rimmer

What about the Rimmer Directive which states, "never tangle with anything that's got more teeth than the entire Osman family."

The Polymorph is up to his old tricks again. This time he's impersonating Rimmer's mother and, by all accounts, she's just "boinked" Lister. Five times.

Kryten

Oh, look! It's bonehead's mom.

Rimmer

Mother.

Rimmer's Mom

Hello, dear.

Rimmer

What are you doing?

Rimmer's Mum

Well, what does it look like, darling?

Rimmer

You've just made love to my mother?

Lister

Yeah. Do you wanna make something of it?

Holly

It's not your mother. It's the Polymorph.

Rimmer

YOU'VE JUST HAD MY MUM?

Rimmer's Mum

Five times. He was like a wild stallion.

Kryten

Very prim, very proper, almost austere...!

Holly

Don't fall for it, Arn. It's trying to make you angry.

Rimmer's Mum

Darling, I wish you could have seen him in action. He was like a set of pistons in an ocean liner engine.

Rimmer

I think I'm going to be sick.

Holly

Don't get angry. That's what it wants.

Rimmer

Lister and mother. It's a dream come true.

Rimmer's Mum

So energetic. I honestly thought my false teeth were going to fall out.

Rimmer

How lovely.

Rimmer's Mum

The positions he bent me into.

Rimmer

Terrific! That sounds... enchanting. Well done.

Rimmer's Mum

And... the things this boy can do with Alphabetti Spaghetti.

Holly

Cool it, Arnie.

Rimmer

ALPHABETTI SPAGHETTI?!

All of Rimmer's anger and bitterness has been taken from him by the Polymorph. He's wearing a "Give Quiche a Chance" t-shirt and proposing leaflet campaigns.

Rimmer

Um, I think we're all beginning to lose sight of the real issue here which is... what are we going to call ourselves? Um, I think... it comes down to a choice between The League Against Salivating Monsters or, my own personal preference, which is the Committee for the Liberation and Integration of Terrifying Organisms and their Rehabilitation Into Society. Um, one drawback with that... the abbreviation is CLITORIS.

Rimmer has convinced Lister to swap bodies on the pretence of getting him fit. In fact, Rimmer has been gorging on cigars, mashed potato and anything else he can get his hands on.

Lister

How many cigars did you get through, Rimmer? Me lungs feel like they've been through a cheese grater.

Rimmer

Look, you've got your body back... leave me alone.

Lister

[Coughs]

I only have a couple of rollies a day. It feels like you've smoked an entire Cuban tobacco harvest.

Rimmer

I had the odd one.

Lister

No respect. That's what. You've shown my body no respect whatsoever. You've treated it like smeg. You've given me breasts. There's a distinct cleavage there. One week in my body and you've given me a bosom!

Kryten, helpless against human orders, was ultimately responsible for anaesthetising Lister and handing his body over to Rimmer. And Lister hasn't forgotten it.

Lister

Oh, hello. It's Captain Chloroform.

Kryten

Please, Mr. David, Sir. My guilt chip is already in overdrive. I... I feel terrible.

Lister

You feel terrible? What about my smegging head?

Kryten

I... I had to obey him... it's in my programming to obey all humans... no matter how insane. Dinner is served, Sir.

[KRYTEN lifts the cloche to reveal a small plate containing a lettuce leaf atop which sits some grated carrot]

Lister

A lettuce leaf and grated carrot. I'm on this for six months!

Lister is sick of it. And if you're wondering what "it" is, it's everything and everyone. He's just sick of it. All of it. Utterly, utterly sick of it.

Rimmer

Lovely service, Lister. You should've come. Most uplifting. What's wrong with you? Ahhh... it's November. Nearly time for your bath!

Lister

Please, just spare me the good mood, I just can't handle it right now, okay?

Rimmer

What happened to you?

Lister

I'm sick of it. That's what. Just totally, totally sick of it.

Rimmer

Sick of what?

Lister

I'm sick of you and your silly green suits, I'm sick of your stupid flared nostrils, I'm sick of the way you always smile when you're being insulted. I'm sick of the Cat, I'm sick of Holly, I'm sick of you, I'm sick of me... and as for Kryten... I'm sick of 'im. I'm sick of this ship, I'm sick of this life... I'm just sick of it.

Rimmer

You're unhappy, aren't you?

Jealousy. It's an evil emotion. It gets you nowhere. Don't hate Fred "Thicky" Holden for being a success. Even if his wife is sizzling hot.

Rimmer

That's a tension sheet, isn't it? I went to school with the guy who invented tension sheets. Things certainly worked out for him all right. A millionaire at twenty-six. Fred Holden. He was in our dorm. God he was thick. "Thicky Holden" we used to call him. "Hello, Thicky. How's your acne, Thicky?" He always used to come bottom in geography. He thought a glacier was a bloke who fixed windows.

Lister

He can't have been that dense can he? I mean, he invented the tension sheet.

Rimmer

It's just the stuff they used to use as packing paper. All he did was paint it red and cut it into small squares. And you know who he married? Sabrina Mulholland-Jjones.

Lister

The model?

Rimmer

How can that be? The most desirable woman in the Western hemisphere and Thicky Holden. A spotty little gimp who used to blow off the bedcovers every time we had cauliflower cheese.

Imagine if you could bring a photograph to life. Imagine if you could ENTER a photograph and interact with its subject? Wouldn't that be... creepy as fu*k?!

Lister

Yes! We've got ourselves a smeggin' time machine!

Rimmer

So we can go anywhere we want, absolutely anywhere?

Kryten

Providing we have a photograph of it.

Rimmer

So if one of us had, say, a photograph of a female-only naturist beach in Acapulco full of bronzed, naked, uninhibited teenage temptresses, we could go there for a holiday?

Kryten

I suppose.

Rimmer

Kryten, get my photo album.

Lister

Hang on. The thing is, we can't move outside the confines of the photograph. What we see is all we get.

Cat

Meaning?

Lister

Meaning we can't get a picture of Earth and go back there, we wouldn't be able to move outside the frame of the photograph.

Rimmer

Believe me, this beach shot in Acapulco, you wouldn't want to move outside the frame of the photograph!

Cat

So it's useless, then?

Rimmer

No, not entirely useless. Think of the famous people we could meet, the famous places we could go.

Kryten

We could go to Dallas, in November 1963, stand on the grassy knoll and shout "Duck!" Oh, I'm sorry, I must have bypassed my "Good Taste" chip!

So the Timeslide has been playing havoc with history. Lister now invented the tension sheet and died, aged 98, making love to his fourteenth wife whilst at the controls of a plane.

Holly

Got him.

Rimmer

And?

Holly

Tension sheet, Inventor of: Dave Lister, aged 17.

Rimmer

Damn!

Holly

And he died tragically in a plane crash, aged 98.

Rimmer

Ninety-eight?!

Holly

His own fault, apparently. He was making love to his fourteenth wife and lost control of the plane.

Rimmer

Have you got any photographs?

Holly

Not of that, no!

And so, not wanting Lister to succeed in life as he apparently has, Rimmer is going to use a Timeslide to "rescue" him from all that success and all that airborne nonagenarian sex.

Holly

What do you wanna do?

Rimmer

I'm going in. I'm going in to rescue him.

Holly

[Mocking]

Rescue him...

Rimmer

It's my duty. My duty as a complete and utter bastard!

I'm guessing that Sabrina Mullholland-Jjones's father wasn't too keen on his little girl becoming involved with Dave Lister. And I can't entirely blame him!

Sabrina

I told Daddy today. About us I mean.

Lister

And how did the old codger take it?

Sabrina

Well, not terribly well, actually. He perched himself on top of his clay pigeon launching machine and shouted, "pull!"

Perhaps Rimmer should have rehearsed (or at very least thought about) this speech before he started it. It was really only going to end one way. With self-defeat.

Rimmer

You call this happiness? Surrounded by toadying lackeys and paid sycophants? Living with a love-goddess sex-bomb model megastar? You call this contentment? You know, I stand here now and I look at the two of us, and I ask one simple question: Who is the rich man? You, with your fifty-eight houses, your private island in the Bahamas, your multi-billion pound business empire; or me, with... with... with what, I've got. It's you isn't it? Yes it's all very clear to me now. You... richer and happier.

Rimmer HAS managed to change something by interfering with history, Somehow, he's no longer a hologram. He's alive. ALIVE!

Holly

Something is different. Don't ask me why, but somehow you're no longer a hologram. You're alive!

Rimmer

What? I'm alive! I'm alive!

[He runs over to the bench and takes a huge bite out of HITLER'S sandwich]

Mmmm. Mmmm. Mmmm. I'M ALIVE! Kryten, unpack Rachel and get out the puncture repair kit! I'm alive!

Kryten is carrying on as normal despite facing the android equivalent of death. Something has to be done. Something has to be said. And Rimmer thinks he's the right man for the job.

Rimmer

Maybe I should talk to him. Maybe he needs a bit of counseling.

Lister

You?!

Rimmer

I used to be in the Samaritans.

Lister

I know. For one morning.

Rimmer

I couldn't take any more.

Lister

I don't blame you. You spoke to five people, and they all committed suicide. I wouldn't mind, but one was a wrong number! He only phoned up for the cricket scores!

This goes some way to explaining everything about Arnold Judas Rimmer.

Rimmer

If we're talking about famous firsts... my first french kiss. It's gotta be a killer story. Fourteen years old. We went on holiday with my Uncle Frank and his two daughters. Sixteen. Twins. Blonde. Now I knew that Sarah fancied me, but I wasn't too sure about Alice. Anyway, middle of the night, I woke up with this tongue stuck down my throat. Wide awake now... I couldn't believe my eyes. It was Uncle Frank!