18 MP3 Audio clips from Season 2 of Red Dwarf (1988)

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Rimmer is trying to learn Esperanto. Whilst he's struggling with the basics, the rest of the crew are now pretty fluent. Which bugs the sh*t out of him.

Video Tutor

La menuo aspektas bonega, mi provos la kokidajon.

Rimmer

Ah, now this is one I do know.

Holly

[Appearing on the screen]

The menu looks interesting. I think I'll try the chicken.

Rimmer

Holly, as the Esperantinos would say, "Bonvolu alsendi la pordiston? Lausajne estas rano en mia bideo!" And I think we all know what that means.

Holly

Yeah, it means, "Could you send for the hall porter? There appears to be a frog in my bidet."

Rimmer

Is it? Well what's that one about, "Your father was a baboon's rump and your mother spent most of her life up against walls with sailors?"

Holly

I'm not telling you.

Rimmer is obsessed with alien life-forms. He's sure that somewhere out there is a race of superior beings desperate to make contact. With him.

Holly

A signal. We're getting a signal. It's probably nothing but I just thought I'd mention it.

Rimmer

[Snaps his fingers]

Aliens!

Lister

Oh god, aliens? Your explanation for anything slightly peculiar is aliens, isn't it? You lose your keys... it's aliens. A picture falls off the wall... it's aliens. That time we used up a whole bog roll in a day... you thought that was aliens as well.

Rimmer

Well we didn't use it all, Lister. Who did?

Lister

Rimmer, aliens used our bog roll?!

Rimmer

Just 'cause they're aliens doesn't mean to say they don't have to visit the little boys' room. Only they probably do something weird and alien-esque like it comes out of the top of their heads or something.

Lister

Well I wouldn't like to be stuck behind one in a cinema.

Red Dwarf is running short on essential supplies. Which explains why Lister is currently drinking a glass of... of... I can't bring myself to say it.

Holly

It's a distress call from a ship called the Nova-5. I hope they'd got some spare odds and sods on board. We're a bit short on a few supplies.

Lister

Like what?

Holly

Cow's milk. Ran out of that yonks ago. Fresh and dehydrated.

Lister

What kind of milk are we using now?

Holly

Emergency back-up supply. We're on the dog's milk.

Lister

Dog's milk?!

Holly

Nothing wrong with dog's milk. Full of goodness, full of vitamins, full of marrowbone jelly. Lasts longer than any other type of milk, dog's milk.

Lister

Why?

Holly

No bugger'll drink it. Plus, of course, the advantage of dog's milk is when it goes off it tastes exactly the same as when it's fresh.

Before the grim discovery that the female crew of the Nova-5 were all deceased, Rimmer was quite keen to meet them and have Lister big him up.

Lister

Okay, whatcha want me to say? How do you want me to act?

Rimmer

I don't know. Just act with respect. For a start, don't call me "Rimmer."

Lister

Why not?

Rimmer

Because you always put the emphasis on "Rim" in "Rimmer." Makes me sound like a lavatory disinfectant.

Lister

Well what do you want me to call you? "Rim-MER?"

Rimmer

I don't know. Um, "Arnie," "Arn," uh, something with a little more... I don't know. How about "Big Man?"

Lister

[Sneering]

"Big Man?"

Rimmer

Or what about the nickname I had a school?

Lister

What? "Bonehead?"

Rimmer

How did you know my nickname was "Bonehead?"

Lister

I was only guessing.

Rimmer

I didn't mean that. I meant the other one.

Lister

What other one?

Rimmer

"Ace!"

Lister

Get out of town! Your nickname was never "Ace!" Maybe "Ace-hole."

A letter addressed to Rimmer has arrived on Red Dwarf. He can't pick it up or open it so it falls to Lister to read it aloud. One word. AWKWARD!

Lister

"Dear Rimmer." Is this from your mum?

Rimmer

That's mumsie!

Lister

This handwriting's terrible. "I hope this epistle finds you adequately healthy to discharge your duties." You know, maybe I shouldn't be reading this deeply personal stuff.

Rimmer

Just get on with it.

Lister

"I write to..." I can't read that. Oh, "I write to inform... I write to inform you that your father is dad." Well of course he is. Maybe it's your father stroke dad.

Rimmer

It's dead.

Lister

I can't make it out.

Rimmer

My father is dead.

Lister

What?

Rimmer

My father is dead.

Lister

Oh yeah it's an E. That's what it is. Your father's dead, Rimmer. Oh, eh... I'm sorry.

Rimmer

Is that all she says?

Lister

Just that, "He passed away peacefully in his Jeep..."

[Scrutinises the letter again]

"...sleep."

Lister was only six when he lost his father. Which is tragic enough but what his grandmother told him... well, it would screw ANY child up!

Lister

I remember when my dad died you know. I was only six. I got loads of presents off everyone like it was Christmas. I remember wishing a couple more people would die so I could complete my Lego set. My grandma tried to explain, you know. She said he'd gone away and he wasn't coming back. So, I wanted to know where, like, you know. She said he was very happy and he'd gone to the same place as my goldfish. So I thought they'd flushed him down the bog. I thought he was just round the U bend, you know. I used to stuff food down, you know, and magazines and that for him to read. They took me to a child psychologist in the end because they found me with my head down the bowl reading him the football results.

It's the anniversary of Rimmer's untimely death and Lister has baked a cake to commemorate the occasion.

Lister

A toast. Gentlemen, and skutters, we are gathered here today to celebrate the anniversary of Mr. Arnold Rimmer's death.

Rimmer

Right on baby.

Lister

And for this very special occasion I have baked... a cake.

Holly

What's that then?

Lister

It's in the shape of a spanner, Holly, 'cos he was a technician.

Holly

Well that's very apt that is. If he'd been a postman you'd have baked it in the shape of an envelope I suppose?

Lister

Yeah!

Holly

Gordon Bennett! It's lucky he's not a gynaecologist.

Cat isn't the sharpest knife in the drawer. When it comes to the space/time continuum, he needs it explained in the simplest of simple terms.

Cat

[To RIMMER]

What IS it?

Rimmer

It's a rent in the space-time continuum.

Cat

[To LISTER]

What IS it?

Lister

The stasis room freezes time, you know, makes time stand still. So whenever you have a leak, it must preserve whatever it's leaked into, and it's leaked into this room.

Cat

[To RIMMER]

What IS it?

Rimmer

It's singularity, a point in the universe where the normal laws of space and time don't apply.

Cat

[To LISTER]

What IS it?

Lister

It's a hole back into the past.

Cat

Oh, a magic door! Well, why didn't you say?

When Lister chooses to use a stasis leak to go back in time and stay with Christine Kochanski, Rimmer is less than amused.

Rimmer

What about me? I've given you the best years of my death! Is that it, then? Three years, thanks a lot, pal, I'm off. No sort of regrets? Not so much as a lump in your throat? No, you're thinking of Kochanski. The only lump you've got's down the front of your trousers.

Just because Captain Hollister is dressed as a chicken doesn't make him an hallucination. Rimmer would do well to remember that!

Captain Hollister

Rimmer.

Rimmer

Now you've turned into a chicken!

Captain Hollister

Listen, I just want to apologise. We both got a little carried away... I've been under a lot of pressure.

Rimmer

Go away.

Captain Hollister

Obviously, I shouldn't have given you PD, I just got a little riled.

Rimmer

Did you indeed? How sad for you, Captain Paxo!

Captain Hollister

What? Oh, oh this. No, I've... this is for the party tonight.

Rimmer

Half man, half chicken... You don't scare me, because I know what you are. Buck buck buck buck!

[Delivers a swift kick to the CAPTAIN'S happy sack]

Now kindly cluck off before I extract your giblets and shove a large seasoned onion between the lips you never kissed with.

Captain Hollister

Forget everything I've just said! You have got eight months PD!

The age-old argument. Are men better than machines? Well, clearly nobody ever asked Lister's geography teacher, Miss Foster.

Rimmer

And that's why men, Lister, are better than machines.

Lister

Oh, I don't know, you know. I had this Geography teacher, Miss Foster. She took us on a school summer camp trip to Deganwy. I had the tent next to hers, right. And in the middle of the night I was woken up by this really weird noise. She didn't think men were better than machines.

For a computer with a comparitive IQ of 6,000, Holly can be a real dumbass at times!

Holly

What's happening then, dudes?

Lister

Oh, bog all.

Holly

Hang on, I've forgotten what I was going to say now.

Rimmer

Well, it can't have been that important, then, can it?

[The ship is rocked by a massive, feiry impact with a meteor]

Holly

That's it, yeah. Look out, a meteor is about to hit the ship.

As set-ups for great jokes go, this is an all-time classic. How did Rimmer not see this one coming?!

Lister

Sometimes I think it's cruel giving machines a personality. My mate Petersen once brought a pair of shoes with artificial intelligence. Smart Shoes, they were called. It was a neat idea. No matter how blind drunk you were, they could always get you home. But he got ratted one night in Oslo, and woke up the next morning in Burma. See, the shoes got bored just going from his local to the flat. They wanted to see the world, like, y'know? He had a hell of a job getting rid of them. No matter who he sold them to, they'd show up again the next day! He tried to shut them out, but they just kicked the door down, y'know?

Rimmer

Is this true?

Lister

Yeah! Last thing he heard, they'd sort of, erm, robbed a car and drove it into a canal. They couldn't steer, y'see.

Rimmer

Really?!

Lister

Yeah. Petersen was really, really blown away about it. He went to see a priest. The priest told him, he said, it was all right, and all that, and the shoes were happy, and they'd gone to heaven. Y'see, it turns out shoes have soles.

Rimmer

Well, what a sad, sad story.

Imagine having a dream recorder. A device that recorded all of your dreams in Technicolor. Holy sh*t. I'd be throwing that thing away, PDQ.

Cat

I'm looking for this dream I had last month on the dream recorder. It was sensational.

Lister

What was it about?

Cat

Me, three girls and a family-sized tub of banana yoghurt!

Rimmer

You know, cats have a very strange attitude to women if you ask me.

Cat

Say what, Goalpost Head?

Rimmer

It's all sex, and no sense of settling down and having a long-term relationship.

Cat

Hey, I want to settle down. And as soon as I find the right small group of girls, the seven or eight women who are right for me, my wandering days are over, buddy.

Holly has just invented the Holly Hop Drive. It has potentially given the crew the ability to instantaneously travel to any point in space and time.

Holly

Right. Let's Holly Hop. Engage drive... drive engaged. Initiating ignition sequence... ignition sequence initiated.

Rimmer

Get on with it.

Holly

It takes time, this. One slight error in any of my thirteen billion calculations and we'll be blasted to smithereens. Here we go, then: 10, 9, 8, 6, 5 -

Rimmer

- You missed out the seven.

Holly

Did I? I've always had a bit of a blind spot with sevens.

Rimmer

[Sotto voce]

We're going to die.

I know that computers handshake but I've never heard of them flirting outrageously. Until now. Holly and Hilly. He's definitely swiped right!

Hilly

Hello, I'm Hilly.

Holly

Hello, I'm Holly.

Hilly

Hello, Holly.

Holly

Hello, Hilly.

Hilly

Well, this is a turn-up, innit? You'd better boogie on over and we can sort it out.

Holly

Right on, sis.

Hilly

See you, Hol.

Holly

See you, Hil.

[HILLY's face disappears]

Holly

I'm in there.

Imagine a world where it's women who are chauvinistic, misogynistic and creepy? It's little wonder that many women think that all men are scumbags.

Rimmer

So, you're a girl, then?

Arlene

Yes.

Rimmer

That's nice.

Arlene

Hang on... haven't you got something in your eye?

Rimmer

You're trying to hypnotise me, aren't you?

Arlene

No, of course not.

Rimmer

Well, stop staring, then.

Arlene

I'm not staring.

Rimmer

Yes you are.

Arlene

Okay, I read it in this book. It's great for picking up bits of tottie.

Rimmer

Well, I'd hardly describe myself as a bit of "tottie."

Arlene

Ohhh, yes. Tottie, tottie, tottie.

Rimmer

I think you've had rather too much to drink. I always get like this when I'm tanked up.

Arlene

C'mon, you're interested.

Rimmer

I assure you, I'm not.

Arlene

Why are you giving me all the signs, then?

Rimmer

What signs?

Arlene

Wearing such tight-fit trousers?

Rimmer

They're not tight.

Arlene

Of course they are. You're begging for it.

Rimmer

I'm not "tottie," and I'm not begging for anything!

Arlene

C'mon, give us a snog! I promise I won't try and take off your underpants.

Rimmer

Look, I'm sorry, I'm just not that kind of g... boy.

Arlene

Frigid!

Rimmer

You're disgusting! You're only after me for one thing!

Arlene

Why? How many have you got?

Arlene is still coming on to Rimmer. She's had an idea. If there's ONE thing that'll get him hot, it has to be a video of two guys together. Right?

Rimmer

Lister, I'm going to bed now, by myself, on my own, alone. If she comes back, tell her I've got a headache or something.

Lister

Why, where's she gone?

Rimmer

She's gone to get some sexy videos. She seems to think seeing two men together might turn me on.