24 MP3 Audio clips from Season 1 of Red Dwarf (1988)

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Arnold J Rimmer is a Second Technician. Dave Lister is a Third Technician. They both have a vital role to play on board Red Dwarf.

Lister

Rimmer, I'm bored.

Rimmer

BORED?! This is essential routine maintenance. It's absolutely vital for the well-being of this crew, this mission and this ship.

[He checks his clipboard]

Dispenser 172. Chicken soup nozzle clogged.

Rimmer. He's full of self-importance, he's exacting, he's anal, he's... he's... well, he's a total Smeg Head!

Todd Hunter

There are a hundred and sixty-nine people on board this ship. You, Rimmer, are over one man. Why can't you two get on?

Lister

You see, I try, Sir. I'm not an insubordinate man by nature. I try to respect Rimmer and everything but it's not easy 'cos he's such a Smeg Head.

Rimmer

Did you hear that, Sir? Lister, do you have any conception of the penalty for describing a superior technician as a "Smeg Head"?

Todd Hunter

[Laughs]

Oh, Rimmer... you are a Smeg Head!

George McIntyre is dead. The crew are gathered to pay their last respects before George's mortal remains are commended to the stars. It's a touching send-off.

Captain Hollister

We're all gathered here today to pay our last respects to George McIntyre. George was an excellent officer and as good a friend as anyone could ever hope to have. And he'll be missed more deeply and more completely than he could ever know. I now commend his ashes to the stars he loved so much.

[He places the urn into a launch unit]

Bye, George. We'll miss you.

[GEORGE'S ashes are launched into space]

This is a piece of music he specially requested. Start the tape please, Holly.

[See You Later Alligator by Bill Haley & The Comets begins to play]

Lister has been summoned to see Captain Hollister. And that's never good. Especially when you're guilty of what you're being accused of.

Lister

You asked to see me, Captain?

Captain Hollister

Where's the cat?

Lister

What? What cat?

Captain Hollister

Lister, not only are you so stupid you bring aboard an unquarantined animal and jeopardise every man and woman on this ship... not only that but you take a photograph of yourself with the cat and send it to be processed in the ship's lab. Now, I'm gonna ask you again. Do you have a cat?

Lister

No.

Captain Hollister isn't willing to let this thing go. He wants Lister's cat. And he's planning to do unspeakable things to it.

Captain Hollister

Now, I want that cat and I want it NOW.

Lister

Sir... just suppose I did have a cat. Just suppose... what would you do with Frankenstein?

Captain Hollister

I'd send it down to the medical centre and I'd have it cut up and tests run on it.

Lister

Would you put it back together when you'd finished?

Captain Hollister

Lister... the cat would be dead.

Lister

So, with respect, Sir... what's in it for the cat?

Lister has just emerged from stasis to find himself utterly alone on board Red Dwarf. So far, he has only the ship's computer, Holly, for company.

Lister

Where is everybody, Hol?

Holly

They're dead, Dave.

Lister

Who is?

Holly

Everybody, Dave.

Lister

What, Captain Hollister?

Holly

Everybody's dead, Dave.

Lister

What, Todd Hunter?

Holly

Everybody's dead, Dave.

Lister

What, Selby?

Holly

They're all dead. Everybody's dead, Dave.

Lister

Petersen isn't, is he?

Holly

Everybody is dead, Dave.

Lister

Not Shend?!

Holly

Gordon Bennett... yes, Shend... everybody. Everybody's dead, Dave.

Lister

Rimmer?

Holly

He's dead, Dave. Everybody is dead. Everybody is dead, Dave.

Lister

Wait. Are you trying to tell me everybody's dead?

It's not every day you wake up to find out you've been asleep for three million years. I mean it's never happened to me or anyone else I know. But it DID happen to Dave Lister.

Lister

How long was I in stasis?

Holly

Well, I couldn't release you until the radiation reached a safe background level.

Lister

How long?

Holly

Three million years.

Lister

THREE MILLION YEARS?! I've still got that library book. Well, what about Chrissie? What about Chrissie Kochanski?

Holly

She's dead, Dave.

Lister

Oh, eh...

Holly

I don't suppose it's any consolation but if she were still alive, the age difference would be insurmountable.

Lister

She was part of me plan. I never got round to telling her but she was going to come with me to Fiji. She was going to wear a white dress and ride the horses and... I was going to take care of everything else. It was me plan. I planned it.

Holly

Well, she won't be much use to you on Fiji now. Not unless it snows and you need something to grit the path with.

Rimmer is one of the few people able to tell someone what being dead feels like. And it's just how I always suspected. Like going on vacation with Germans.

Lister

What's it feel like?

Rimmer

Death? It's like being on holiday with a group of Germans.

Let's be honest. Rimmer never did any of these things anyway. The only woman he's ever slept with got a puncture half way through and ended up going down on him. Literally.

Rimmer

Being a hologram is fine, Lister. I still have the same drives, the same feelings, the same emotions... but I can't touch anything. Never again will I be able to brush a rose against my cheek, cradle a laughing child or... interfere with a woman... sexually.

PE teachers. Sadistic bastards. And now there's absolute proof that they also have a lower IQ than a mollusc. I always suspected that, somehow.

Holly

I am Holly, the ship's computer with an IQ of 6,000. The same IQ as 6,000 PE teachers.

Rimmer has annoyed Holly before asking him for a haircut. He probably wasn't expecting Holly go give him a Marge Simpson beehive. But he did. Oh yes. He did.

Lister

Rimmer, what have you done to your hair?

Rimmer

Holly did it.

Lister

Why?

Rimmer

'Cos I ordered him to.

Lister

It looks ridiculous.

Rimmer

It may look ridiculous to you, Lister but I like it like this. It makes me feel like a man.

Lister

Yeah, you'd probably get one looking like that.

Rimmer

There's nothing wrong with short hair, Lister. It gives a man a sense of dignity. A sense of discipline.

Lister

Rimmer, have you seen it?

Rimmer

I don't need to see it. I didn't get this haircut to look good. This is a haircut designed for action, not poncing around in. It may be a bit severe, a bit too green beret... but you are how you look.

[RIMMER finally looks in a mirror]

And I look... like a complete and total tit!

3,000,000 years from now, death will no longer be a handicap. But Rimmer does make a very good point regarding your employment prospects once you've "passed over".

Lister

Rimmer, death isn't the handicap it used to be in the olden days. It doesn't screw your career up like it used to.

Rimmer

That's what they say, Lister but if you had two people coming for a job and one of them was dead... which one would you choose?

Imagine travelling so fast that by the time you've seen something, you've already passed through it. Imagine that. Imagine the state your underpants would be in having experienced it.

Holly

Look, we're travelling faster than the speed of light. That means by the time we see something, we've already passed through it. Even with an IQ of 6,000, it's still brown trousers time!

A future echo has revealed that Lister is about to meet his ultimate demise. He's staring death in the face and death had better tread very carefully with this particular customer.

Lister

You said yourself, I can't stop it. Let's get it over with.

[LISTER picks up a large wooden bat]

Rimmer

Uh... Lister, what's that for?

Lister

I'm going out like I came in... screaming and kicking.

Rimmer

You can't whack death on the head.

Lister

If he comes near me, I'm gonna rip his nipples off!

There comes a time when you have to question why, of the 169 people on board Red Dwarf at the time of the drive plate failure, Holly chose to reincarnate Rimmer.

Lister

Holly... why Rimmer's hologram? Why did you have to bring Rimmer's hologram back? He was the most unpopular man on board this ship. I mean, he even had to organise his own surprise birthday parties!

Holly

And who should I have brought back, then?

Lister

Anyone. Shend, Petersen... I mean Hermann Göering would've been more of a laugh than Rimmer. I mean, okay... he was a drug-crazed transvestite but at least we could've gone dancing!

Rimmer has been watching videos for too long. He's gone video blind. Whatever that means. I mean sometimes I get a bit of a headache if I watch TV too long but... video blind?!

Rimmer

I think I've gone video blind. Is that painting yours? It's rubbish.

Lister

It's a mirror!

Rimmer is massively excited about a pod which has been brought on board Red Dwarf. He believes it contains aliens. But no. It contains garbage. Literally.

Lister

Hang on a minute...

[He brushes the dust from the side of the pod to reveal partial lettering]

Give me an R... give me an E... give me a D... give me a Red Dwarf Garbage Pod. Holly? Did Rimmer never work in waste disposal?

Holly

No, Dave.

Lister

It's one of our Red Dwarf garbage pods with, like, the writing burned off in places. Why didn't you tell him?

Holly

Well, it's a laugh innit?!

Rimmer is dictating an update on the "alien" pod into the ship's log. He's rather keen on the use of commas. Rather too keen, actually. His punctuation is a car crash.

Rimmer

After intensive investigation comma of the markings on the alien pod comma it has become clear comma to me comma that we are dealing comma with a species of awesome intellect colon.

Holly

Good. Perhaps they might be able to give you a hand with your punctuation.

Rimmer believes in aliens. He believes in alien women. Alien women with six breasts. Like Durga... only instead of many arms... you get the picture.

Rimmer

I believe in aliens, Lister.

Lister

Oh... right, fine... something sensible at last.

Rimmer

Aliens, Lister with technology so far in advance of our own we can't even begin to imagine.

Lister

But that's not difficult. Mankind hasn't even got the technology to create a toupée that doesn't get big laughs.

Rimmer

Aliens, Lister, who can give me a real body.

Lister

Oooh, I can't wait to see your face in the morning, I really can't.

Rimmer

And nor I yours, Lister. When that pod opens and from it emerges a beautiful alien woman with long, green hair and six breasts.

Lister

Six breasts? Imagine making love to a woman with six breasts.

Rimmer

Imagine making love to a woman.

Lister is trying to come to terms with the fact he is God. He's God to the descendants of Frankenstein. Which was his cat before he went into stasis. So not confusing at all, then.

Lister

I'm supposed to have given them five sacred laws. Five sacred laws. I've broken four of them myself. I'd have broken the fifth but there's no sheep on board.

Have you ever had that conversation with someone about what love actually is? Well, if you have, I hope it went better than this one with Rimmer. Holy sh*t!

Lister

Rimmer... love is... love is what makes us different from animals.

Rimmer

No, Lister. What makes us different from animals is we don't use our tongues to clean our own genitals.

Rimmer's paranoia and confidence have taken physical form. Two visitors, one trying to big him up and the other trying to tear him down.

Paranoia

Do you know, he used to practice kissing on his own?

Second Rimmer

How?

Paranoia

He made lips out of one hand and then waggled his thumb through the gap like a tongue.

Second Rimmer

That is priceless... it really is.

Paranoia

Seventeen years-old and he used to snog his own hand.

Rimmer has been living with a duplicate copy of himself for some time now. Lister asks what we all want to know. What do they talk about?

Rimmer

We reminisce... chew over old times. Past glories. Old girlfriends.

Lister

Oh, you mean Yvonne McGruder?

Rimmer

Don't say "Yvonne McGruder" as if she's the only one.

Lister

Oh, go on then... name one other girlfriend, then.

Rimmer

Lister, I'm far, far, far too much of a gentleman to stoop to that kind of shower-room mentality. All you need to know about Yvonne McGruder is -

[He slaps and curls his bicep in a bawdy "phwoar!" gesture]

- I gave her one!

The honeymoon period is over. The two Rimmers are no longer getting along. They can't live together. They can't stand each other.

First Rimmer

It's quite an amusing though, isn't it... having a... a blazing row with yourself.

Lister

Yeah.

Second Rimmer

[From next door, cajoling a scutter into hitting the partition wall]

HIT THE WALL! GO ON! HIT THE WALL! GO ON! YEAH, YEAH! CAN YOU SHUT UP BECAUSE SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP!

First Rimmer

Obviously, we have professional disagreements but I mean nothing with any side to it. Nothing malicious.

Second Rimmer

SHUT UP, YOU DEAD GIT!

First Rimmer

Excuse me a second, Lister, will you?

[He leaves the room and turns to face the door of the adjoining room]

STOP YOUR FOUL WHINING, YOU FILTHY PIECE OF DISTENDED RECTUM!