20 MP3 Audio clips from The Inbetweeners 2 (2014)

PLAY ALL 20 CLIPS

Clip 1

The opening scene of the movie is like something out of Harry Potter. Because the four boys are going to a fancy dress party. As Hogwarts wizards.

Will

Greetings, Muggles!

[Laughter]

Boy

Oh, my fu*king God. He fell for it.

Girl

I told you he would. It's not really fancy dress, you d*ck.

Will

Oh, what? No way! These are the jokers from my course I was telling you about. You lot! Although, technically, I didn't fall for it as there was no way I could have known.

[The boys start to walk into the house]

Boy

Whoa. Where d'you think you're going?

Will

Into the party.

Boy

You're dressed like Harry Potter. There's no way you're coming in here, you fu*king plum.

Girl

You could at least have come as someone sexy.

Will

Hermione's sexy.

[Shot widens to reveal NEIL dressed in a skirt]

Boy

What a twat.

[The door is slammed in the faces of the four Hogwarts wizards]

Clip 2

Having been refused entry to the party, the boys retreat to lick their wounds.

Simon

Well, this is a disaster. I've come down from Sheffield for this?

Will

It's okay. We'll still have a good weekend. Ooh, there's a pub I love just down the road.

Neil

I'm wearing a gym skirt.

Will

It's a student town. No one will care.

Neil

And no pants.

Will

Righto.

Clip 3

Jay. He's the Lord of Lies. The Baron of Bullsh*t. And here, in an e-mail to Neil, he shows just how much of an imagination he really has. Let's be honest, he's still a virgin.

Neil

Don't worry, I'll find us some mates. I've got this amazing app called Grindr. Made loads of new mates through it.

[NEIL'S phone vibrates]

Oh, my gosh, you'll never guess what.

Will

Someone's immediately sent you a penis shot?

Neil

Nah, I just got an email from Jay.

Simon

No way.

Neil

Way. Listen to this.

[NEIL begins to read the e-mail aloud]

"Dear Neil, you fu*king weapon..."

[Shot dissolves to JAY walking along a beach speaking to the camera]

Jay

As you know, I am on a mental gap year, in Australia. Or outback as they say over here. So I thought I'd email you, not because I miss you lot but because this place is a million out of ten and you'll be well jel. Life has never been better. It's certainly much better than when I was going out with Jane, who I now no longer think about. I'm living near a town called Sydney and working at the most mental club in Australia called Revolutions. I am now their premier number one DJ...

[Cut away to JAY at the decks]

Good evening, ladies!

...going by the name of DJ Big Penis, which everyone agrees is the perfect name. I've made so much cashola, which is Australian for money, that I've bought myself a fu*k-off mansion and filled it full of pussay. And like Will's mum's appetite for c*ck, it's enormous. Before that, I was living with my Uncle Bryan, who's my dad's cousin, although he is tragic and obviously not as cool as my dad.

[JAY'S dad is seen in the background, entertaining people with lame tricks]

Terry

What's that?

[Laughter]

Jay

Anyway, it will come as no surprise to you the number of Aussie birds I'm rooting, which is Australian for knobbing. They're total filth and fu*k like kangaroos, all big teeth, bouncing and wet pouches. I make love to them with a technique I like to call the one-pump orgasm.

[JAY apparently penetrates a girl under silk sheets with one thrust and she cries out in ecstasy]

They absolutely love it. Name an Aussie bird and I've fu*ked her. Elle Macpherson: check. Dame Edna Everage: check. Kylie and Dannii Minogue three-way? I'd done that ten minutes after getting off the plane. And mates? I've made loads of cool new mates who come round for dinner and that. But really it's all about the birds. Aussie sheilas just can't get enough of Jay, especially the supermodels, who, by the way, love it up the sh*tter. I've been woken up by a blowjob from a different girl every single morning. You can imagine what that's like, waking up every morning to a blowie. They keep it so clean, I haven't had to wash my c*ck in weeks. Basically, everything's better than when I was with Jane, who, as I mentioned, I no longer think about. On the minus side, I've had to punch out a few koala bears. Normally when they drop out of the trees and try to fight me.

[Cut away to JAY kicking a koala bear]

Mug! Have it! But other than that, it's been bonza, which is Australian for fu*king brilliant. Come and stay any time you like. I guarantee I'll get you sucked drier than Simon's mum's fanny. Say hello to those other two dozy pr**ks if you see them. Tell your bent dad he still can't bum me. Oh, and tell your fit sister that I'd like to...

[We're back in the pub with NEIL reading the e-mail aloud from his phone]

Neil

Oh, no, come on.

Clip 4

The boys are off on the adventure of a lifetime. A trip to Australia. Land of the didgeridoo, koala bears, kangaroos and, well... you get the picture.

Will (V/O)

So, goodbye, sh*tty Bristol. I was off to Australia.

[Cut to Bristol airport, WILL being seen off by his mother]

Polly

Now, petal, you know how much I worry. So I've got you a special holiday gift.

Will

Oh, thanks, Mum.

[WILL unwraps the gift]

It's... a rape alarm. What do you think is gonna happen to me?

Polly

Well, Petal, I think you might get raped.

Will

Right.

Polly

Sweetie, I'm just saying it's better to have a rape alarm and not need it than to get gang-raped in an alleyway by men you may have, however innocently, led on.

Clip 5

There's a commonly-held belief that Neil's dad is gay. Not that there's anything wrong with being gay but let's just say that he's in denial. Firmly in the closet.

Kevin

Ah, hello, everyone.

Polly

Hello, Kevin. You sorry to see them leave?

Kevin

Actually, it's handy Neil's going away. Give me a chance to get some men in...

[There's a pause which, by just a beat, is too long]

...to decorate his bedroom.

Clip 6

Neil. He's not cultured. He's not intelligent. He can do the robot dance but that can only get you so far in life.

Will (V/O)

Off we went. Running away from our problems. All I knew about Australia was that if it could bite you, sting you or eat you alive, then it probably lived there. But nothing had prepared us for the beauty of Sydney Harbour. And Neil was particularly impressed.

Neil

What the fu*k is that?

Will

What?

Neil

That fu*king thing.

Will

The Sydney Opera House?

Neil

No, that thing, the spaceship. The spaceship, there.

Will

Well, that's the sight-seeing done!

Clip 7

Katie Evans. A girl Will once played Doctors & Nurses with. Now she's in Australia. A chance in a million. Or something like that.

Katie

Oh, my God! Oh, what? You don't recognise me, do you?

Will

Katie? Katie Evans from prep school?

Katie

Maybe you do remember.

Will

I'll never forget that sleepover we had at Lloydie's house.

Katie

I don't remember that.

Will

No, nor me. How amazing to see you. What an incredibly small world.

Katie

I don't know. Seems like every kid from the Home Counties is out here doing a gap year.

Will

Yeah, what a cliché. So what are you up to?

Katie

I'm doing a gap year. You?

Will

I'm visiting my friend who works in a toilet.

Clip 8

The guys are incredulous that Will has been getting on so well with an attractive girl. It's unheard of. They're full of questions.

Simon

Who was that?

Will

Katie Evans from junior school. Definitely my first love.

Neil

That is well Jimmy Savile.

Will

She's just an old friend.

Simon

That you wanna have sex with.

Will

Think she might wanna have sex with me, too. She kissed me on the lips.

Jay

Tongues?

Will

No, but...

Jay

No, that don't count.

Neil

My mum used to kiss me on the lips.

Will

Yeah, when you were a child.

Jay

She couldn't have done it any other time. She ran off when he was ten.

Clip 9

Reality strikes. Jay is living in a two-man tent in his Uncle Bryan's garden. And he's... fornicating with the lawn. Apparently.

Bryan

Jay? Did you sweep that veranda this morning?

Jay

Yes, Uncle Bryan.

Bryan

Who are these pale little bastards? You butt-fu*king boys in your tent?

Jay

No, Uncle Bryan. These are my friends from England. Simon and Neil.

Will

And..?

Jay

And Will. Uncle Bryan, Cousin Shane.

Bryan

How's Australia treating you fellas?

Will

Oh, what a place. So interesting...

Bryan

Greatest fu*king country on Earth. I keep telling Jay that he should move here, but he won't. Too much of a pu**y, which is a shame, 'cos we could do with some white immigration for a change.

Will

Right.

Neil

Jay's been telling us all about the sheilas he's been shagging.

Bryan

Has he? Well, that's bullsh*t. Closest this little runt's come to some vag is when the dog dripped period down his leg. And don't pretend you didn't get a boner.

Jay

Good one, Bry.

Bryan

What's that?

Jay

Nothing, Uncle Bryan.

Bryan

Hey, some nights for sh*ts and giggles, me and Shano shine a torch through the tent, we can see him sitting up, all silhouetted like, bashing away on his little platypus.

[Laughs]

You understand when I say platypus, I mean c*ck, right?

Will

Yeah.

Bryan

And guess what? He's gone and dug a hole in the ground to fu*k.

[Laughs]

I'm just kidding. It's a wormhole, 'cos his d*ck's so small. Get it? But I'm not kidding about the hole, he has got that, and a small d*ck, which he fu*ks the hole in the ground with.

Clip 10

Jay's new car has to be seen to be believed. A half-naked woman airbrushed on the bonnet and, apparently, it's called Mysterious Girl.

Will

Actually, I have a few questions about the car.

Jay

Fire away.

Will

One: just... why did you buy it?

Jay

I needed a cool set of wheels and Shano did me a deal.

Will

Two: is Shano a big Peter Andre fan?

Jay

Shano's not stupid. The birds love Peter Andre.

Will

Not sure anyone loves anything enough to have sex with Shano.

Jay

What are you talking about? He got so much anal in here, I had to hose down the footwell. This is the classic Aussie Shaggin' Wagon.

Will

Is it?

Neil

It's the Fu*k Truck.

Simon

The Mobile Virgin Conversion Unit.

Jay

We should use it on Will.

Will

Brilliant.

[Laughter]

Clip 11

It's Katie again. She's staying at the same hostel and her attraction to Will seems to be growing. Let's just hope he doesn't say something stupid.

Katie

Oh! Hello, nutter. You made it. So, er, what are you up to tomorrow? Any plans?

Will

We thought we might travel somewhere ethical, an Aboriginal... cave.

Katie

Ah, that's a shame. I'm going to Splash Planet. It looks brilliant.

Will

It does, doesn't it?

Simon

You just said it was tacky.

Will

What? Shut up.

Jay

You said it was full of idiots. Are you an idiot, Katie?

Will

They're being funny. Stop being so funny, you guys.

Katie

Well, I must be an idiot, then, because I think it looks amazing. I can get you tickets if you like.

Will

Really? Fantastic. Four, please.

Katie

Cool. Done. Right, I'm gonna go and sit by the fire. Do you fancy coming?

Will

Yeah. I just need to Skype home first, though. My mother worries.

Katie

Crazy. Right, well, I'll see you in a bit, then.

[KATIE leaves and WILL turns around to see SIMON, eyes closed, pinching the bridge of his nose; either deep in thought or in pain]

Will

You all right?

Simon

Wait, I'm thinking.

Will

About what?

Simon

Wait.

Will

What is it?

Simon

I'm trying to think if anyone has anyone ever said anything less cool to a girl than "My mother worries"?

[Laughter]

"Bye."

[Laughter]

Clip 12

The thing about hostels... the thing you have to remember about hostels is that there's always some c*nt with a guitar. In this case, it's Ben.

Will (V/O)

The vibe at the hostel was incredible and it was clear we weren't at home any more. Things were different, and it was nice to see that Simon, Neil and especially Jay were embracing this new environment.

Jay

Oh, no! Why is there always some c*nt with a guitar?

Neil

If anyone starts playing the bongos, I'm leaving.

Jay

If the bongos start, I'm burning the place down.

Will

Open your minds, guys. We're backpacking now. Get into the backpacking vibe.

Jay

Vibe? We're by a fire listening to some posh pr**k play guitar. How much more backpacking can it get?

Clip 13

Oh... God. Just when you think Jay can't possibly get any worse, he goes and exceeds your expectations. Prepare to cringe...

Simon

Oh, Jay, you know Jane's in Australia, right?

Jay

What? Who?

Neil

You remember... the fat bird that dumped you.

Jay

She did not fu*king dump me, Neil.

Neil

But you cried.

Jay

Yeah, tears of joy probably.

Simon

Yeah, well Lucy told me Jane's here in Australia.

Jay

So? Like I give a sh*t. You know the first rule of Banter Brigade.

Neil

You're only allowed one fatty?

Jay

Ha! No, that... that is a very funny joke, though, but no.

Neil

What is it again? I know it, but I've just forgotten for a minute.

Jay

All the Fs...

Neil

Oh, yeah. Find 'em, fu*k 'em, forget 'em.

Jay

No, Neil. All the Fs. Find 'em, Frenchy 'em, get 'em frothy, finger 'em, frig 'em, film 'em, flange 'em, flick 'em, fanny fart 'em, fu*k 'em, frot 'em, fist 'em, felch 'em, finish with 'em and then finally forget about 'em. Just like what I done with Jane, or whatever her name was.

Simon

Sorry, I switched off after "frig". You're saying you aren't bothered about Jane being here?

Jay

No.

Clip 14

It's Will's turn to serenade a girl. Katie. And Will can play the guitar. I'll give him that. But his singing? Holy sh*t.

Will

This is a, uh... slight change of mood but erm... yeah, hope you like it.

[WILL begins to serenade KATIE in a frankly awful falsetto voice]

♪ The first time... ever I saw your face.

Jay

What is he doing?

Will

♪ I thought the sun -

Neil

It's weird. I don't like it.

Will

♪ - rose in your eyes. And the moon and the stars...

Jay

I'm trying to stop watching, but I can't.

Will

♪ Were the gifts you gave. To the dark and the empty sky. And the first time ever I kissed your mouth. I felt your heart so close to mine.

Jay

Right, well, I'm going to bed. Neil, you coming?

Neil

No, I might wait a bit.

Will

♪ The first time ever I saw your face. Your face. Your face. Your face. Your face.

Your face.

Clip 15

Neil has a dream. He wants to work as a dolphin trainer. And, according to Jay, he can become one because... he's English. Hmm. Not so sure that's gonna cut it.

Will (V/O)

To be fair, Splash Planet looked amazing. And even though Jay insisted that 80% of the water was made up of vaginal fluid, we still couldn't wait to try out the rides, or, better still, work there.

[Cut to NEIL approaching a member of staff on the Swim with Dolphins stand]

Neil

Excuse me, I'm looking for a job as a dolphin trainer.

Attendant

Are you a qualified marine biologist?

Neil

No, but I'm English.

Attendant

Okay. Uh, we don't have any jobs. But you can swim with them for 75 bucks.

Neil

Oh, cool, like work experience?

Attendant

No.

Neil

All right, I'm in.

[Ten minutes later, back with the boys]

Jay

Did you get the job, then?

Neil

No.

Jay

That's well racist.

Neil

I'm gonna swim with one, though. And I'm gonna give it the time of its life.

[NEIL walks away, beaming]

Simon

Is it just me or did it sound like he's gonna wa*k off a dolphin?

Will

That is what it sounded like.

Clip 16

Jay needs to learn that some jokes just aren't funny. Like telling a mother of three young children that Simon is a paedophile. Not funny. Not cool.

Woman

I'm so sorry if the kids are bothering you.

Simon

Oh God, course not. No, not at all. I love kids.

Jay

He's a paedophile.

Clip 17

Jay is on a downer. Depressed over the loss of the love of his life. What's the point of existing? His father should have just...

Jay

My dad was right, he should have just whipped it out and splurged on my mum's arse rather than waste it making me.

Clip 18

Neil has been driving a very, very long time. He's tired. In fact, I'd say he's approaching delirious.

Neil

A-wob a-bob bob?

Simon

What?

Neil

I said, what time is it now?

Jay

No, you fu*king didn't. You said, "A-wob a-bob bob."

Clip 19

Will has been scorned. Katie was banging Ben all along. And he finds that very, very hard to cope with. Luckily, he has no trouble articulating his feelings.

Will

So you're with him, even though you kissed me?

Katie

Will, I like you. I kissed you. But I kiss a lot of people, especially when I'm drunk. What Ben and I have, it's a deep lust for each other. It's spiritual.

Will

Right, that's the last time. Even the dictionary definition of spiritual, which I looked up the other day, suggests it's about the soul, another vague and probably non-existent concept.

Katie

I don't think you get it. But that's cool.

Will

No, no, I get it all right, you patronising cow. It's you twats that don't get it. That's right, I called you twats.

Ben

Chill, Will.

Will

Playing the guitar badly, wearing beads, talking about one love and pretending you're friends with Central American villagers, who, by the way, despise you, before heading back to your parents' five-bedroom house in Surrey, doesn't make you a spiritual person, it makes you a bellend.

Ben

I think you're right about his song, Katie.

Will

Oh, fu*k off, Ben! You don't believe in songlines any more than I do. It's just a way to seem interesting to girls because deep down, you know you're boring and pretentious, just like your stupid fu*king dreadlocks, which, by the way, always look embarrassing on white people. They're not countercultural. They actually scream, "I've got a trust fund." So get a normal haircut, you unbearable pr**k. Goodbye.

Clip 20

It's the showdown with Uncle Bryan. Jay has had enough of his constant jibes and insults. He's going to drop Uncle Bryan. Like he's hot. One punch. All over. BOOM!

Bryan

Jesus Christ, mate, don't get me wrong, I'm glad you stopped fu*king me garden, but what was you thinking going all that way for a fat chick?

Jay

What did you just say?

Bryan

About the spunk hole?

Jay

No, after that.

Bryan

About you chasing the fat chick? You're lucky Fatty Boom Boom didn't eat you out there in the desert. Them fat chicks get so fu*king hungry...

[JAY'S anger gets the better of him and he swings for UNCLE BRYAN. Sadly, his ego far exceeds his ability and it ends up more of a slap]

Yeah, no, yeah, good. I mean, good for trying. It was weak as fu*k, obviously, more like a slap. You taught him how to punch like a girl, I presume?

Terry

Watch it, Bryan.

Bryan

Least your boy's got some spunk, Terry. Problem is, it's mainly round his mouth and arsehole.

Terry

I said watch it.

Bryan

Or what? You'll slap me too?

Terry

You...

[It all kicks off]

Bryan

Here we go. Get in there! Get in there, you ugly fu*k! I'll give it to you...