9 MP3 Audio clips from National Lampoon's European Vacation (1985)

PLAY ALL 9 CLIPS

Clip 1

On board their Pan Am flight from Chicago O'Hare to London Heathrow, the Griswalds are enjoying some first-class hospitality.

Stewardess

Would you like something to drink?

Clark

Ellen, you want something?

Ellen

No. No, thank you.

Clark

Uh, I'll have a Coke.

Stewardess

Do you want that in the can?

Clark

[Glancing aft towards the bathrooms]

No. I'll have it right here.

Clip 2

Clark, confused by the lack of room numbers at the Royal Imperial Windsor Hotel in London has climbed into bed with a strange woman (brilliantly played by Maureen Lipman).

Clark

Ellen? When did you stop shaving your legs, Honey?

[Realising that he's not in bed with his wife]

Uh, I think I made a mistake. Is my wife in here?

Woman

No.

Clark

I got so confused with all the numerous doors in the hotel. I guess this happens all the time, huh?

Woman

No.

Clark

Could you unlock your legs from my leg please?

Woman

No.

Clip 3

Clark's first attempt of driving in London isn't going well. He's on the wrong side of the car AND the wrong side of the road.

[Car horn blares and there is a squeal of tyres]

Ellen

Clark! You're driving on the wrong side of the road.

Clark

I realise that, Honey. I'm also on the wrong side of the car!

[Another car horn sounds, there's a squeal of tyres and a loud collision]

Clip 4

Audrey has called her boyfriend, Jack in Chicago. She's run up a hotel phone bill of $253USD and Clark is not happy about it.

Ellen

Oh, now Audrey... your father didn't really mean what he said.

Audrey

Yes he did.

Ellen

No, no, not really, Honey. He has nothing against Jack. He's not really gonna cut off his balls. Are you, Clark?

[There's an awkward pause]

Clark!

Clark

Okay, I won't.

Clip 5

The Griswalds are eating at a pavement café in Paris. The waiter clearly hates Americans and he wastes no time in showing his distaste.

Clark

Now listen, kids. France is world-famous for its cuisine so just about anything's gonna be great. You order what you want. GARCONEE!

[The WAITER approaches with his notepad at the ready]

Uh... nous voulons commander a dejeuner, please.
(We want to order lunch, please.)

Waiter

Vous ne parlez évidemment pas français. Vous ne comprenez pas un mot.
(Obviously you don't speak French. You don't understand a damn word.)

Clark

Okay, let's see... Les enfants, uh... desire, uh... they... hamburger and frites.
(The children would like hamburgers and fries.)

Waiter

Accent remarquable. Chicago? Peut-ótre Cleveland.
(Remarkable accent. Chicago? Perhaps Cleveland.)

Clark

Coca-Cola for, uh... les infants.

Waiter

Deux champagnes américains.
(Two American champagnes.)

Clark

Yeah. And... oh, votre meilleur vin.
(Your best wine.)

Waiter

J'apporterai de l'eau de vaisselle. Vous ne saurez pas la différence.
(I'll bring some dishwater. You won't know the difference.)

Clark

[To ELLEN]

Uh... now, you want the soufflé?

Ellen

Soufflé, soufflé.

Clark

My femme would like the b... grande... the soufflé fromage. Et mois... I'll have the veaul... the veal.

Waiter

Votre femme a de gros lolo magnifiques.
(Your wife has big, gorgeous tits.)

Clark

Excellent!

Ellen

Good choice!

Clark

Excellente! Du brie?
(Brie cheese?)

Waiter

Et votre fille a un super petit cul.
(And your daughter has a great little ass.)

Clark

Just a little Brie, yeah. And, uh... well, we'll get that later. Merci beaucoup.
(Thank you so much.)

Waiter

Va te faire foutre.
(Kiss my ass.)

Clark

Okay, just a little bit...

Clip 6

The couple at the adjacent table in the restaurant are getting somewhat "amorous". In fact, I'm surprised he didn't sweep the tableware aside and go for it right there!

Rusty

Hey, Dad... he's got his hands on her tits right there at the table.

Ellen

Stop staring, Rusty.

Clark

Uh, Rusty... uh, European standards of public behaviour are very different than in Americans.

Rusty

Yeah, Dad but they're from Akron!

[The couple are now getting audibly amorous]

Dad, I think he's gonna pork her.

Clark

He's not going to pork her, Rusty... uh, just eat, okay?

Rusty

I think he is, Dad.

Clark

He may pork her, Rust. Just eat, okay?

Clip 7

Ignoring the fact Clark called Dipplestraße, "Dipplestrabe", having found the street, he now has to locate the correct house.

Clark

Okay... ah! Dipplestraße. Here we are. Now, what are we looking for?

Audrey

Sechs, Daddy.

Clark

That'll do, Audrey.

Rusty

Dad... that's German for "six."

Clip 8

Still searching for 6 Dipplestraße, Clark knocks on a random door to ask the occupants for directions. What could possibly go wrong?

Clark

[Knocks on the door of a house which is almost immediately opened by a man]

Guten Tag! Uh... my family and I are looking for sechs.

Man

Schweinhund!
(Bastard!)

[Slams the door in CLARK'S face]

Clip 9

The lovely German couple that the Griswalds have been staying with aren't, in fact, their relations. They're confused but welcoming despite living ten doors away from the Griswalds' distant family.

Ellen

You've really been so sweet, now... here's our address and when you come to Chicago, you come and stay with us.

Clark

Okay, well... aufweidersein!

Audrey

Aufweidersein! Aufweidersein, Helga. Thank you for the marvellous conversation. Bye!

Rusty

Bye!

Clark

Bye! Aufweidersein! We'll write!

[The GRISWALDS get into the car]

Clark

Bye!

Man

Wer zum Teufel waren die Leute?
(Who the hell were those people?)

Woman

Ich weiß es doch nicht.
(I don't know.)