13 MP3 Audio clips from Uncle Buck (1989)

PLAY ALL 13 CLIPS

Clip 1

Tia. She's older sister to Miles and Maizy and she's got a major (and I do mean MAJOR) case of the grumps. I didn't have an older sister. Is this really what it's like?!

Tia

Get your bag off the table. People eat there.

Maizy

They eat on plates.

Tia

Just don't give me any crap, Maizy

Maizy

I'm telling. You said, "crap".

Tia

There's nothing wrong with crap.

Maizy

Oh really? I thought that was a swear.

Tia

No, you're thinking of sh*t.

Maizy

Oh, right.

[MILES comes bursting through the back door looking flustered, slamming it behind him]

Tia

Do you mind?

Miles

A sixth-grader chased me on his bike and I was running. And when I got exhausted and fell down, he whaled me with his shoe.

Tia

You can thank your parents for that.

Miles

How come?

Tia

It was their brilliant idea to move here. They weren't making enough cash in Indianapolis. Forget that we were perfectly happy. So thank them for getting treated like sh*t every day.

Maizy

I'm telling on that one.

Tia

Shut your face!

Clip 2

And the abuse continues. It's almost like Tia enjoys being in charge of Miles and Maizy. Which is more than can be said for Miles and Maizy.

Tia

Your book bag doesn't go on the floor.

Miles

[Exasperated]

Oh, let's have a cow!

[TIA grabs MILES by the bicep]

Miles

Your nails are digging into my arm, God damn it!

Tia

Pick it up.

Miles

You're just supposed to open the door for us. You're not supposed to kick us around. I'm an American. I have rights.

Tia

Maizy... did I kick you around?

Maizy

No, but you said sh*t twice. But only once for real.

Clip 3

I'm a dog person. I love dogs. I've had several since I was a toddler. A German Shepherd, two Collies... but I've never had a "ball sniffer" and I'm not sure that this is really a thing.

Miles

Who's going to take care of us?

Cindy

Mr. and Mrs. Neville.

Miles

Is that a joke?

Cindy

You don't like the Nevilles?

Miles

Their dog's a ball-sniffer.

Cindy

Don't talk like that.

Miles

Mr. Neville yelled at Michael Larson because their dog was sniffing Michael's balls.

Cindy

Don't use that word.

Miles

I don't know another word!

Clip 4

Chanice is almost expecting Buck to let her down. It's happened so often before. So when he calls her, late at night, she's pretty much prepared to give him a piece of her mind.

Chanice

Hello?

Buck

Chanice? Honey? Honey, I have some bad news.

Chanice

Let me guess. You... are not coming into work in the morning.

[We see only BUCK'S side of the conversation from here on in]

Buck

Just l... let... get... no, but... you don't... would you just... let me... give me... let me get a... let me get... you're not... give me a... awwwwwwwwwww.

Chanice

Goodbye!

[She hangs up the phone]

Clip 5

Miles has come downstairs for breakfast to find a stranger in the kitchen preparing him a decidedly scary breakfast.

Buck

Hey! How you doin'?

Mies

Who are you?!

Buck

I'm your Uncle Buck.

Miles

Do I have an uncle?

Tia

Unfortunately.

Miles

Holy smokes...

[He cups his mouth to whisper conspiratorially to TIA]

... he's cookin' our garbage!

Clip 6

Buck is receiving what might best be described as the third degree from his nephew.

Miles

Where do you live?

Buck

In the city.

Miles

Do you have a house?

Buck

Apartment.

Miles

Own or rent?

Buck

Rent.

Miles

What do you do for a living?

Buck

Lots of things.

Miles

Where's your office?

Buck

I don't have one.

Miles

How come?

Buck

I don't need one.

Miles

Where's your wife?

Buck

I don't have one.

Miles

How come?

Buck

It's a long story.

Miles

Do you have kids?

Buck

No, I don't.

Miles

How come?

Buck

It's an even longer story.

Miles

Are you my Dad's brother?

Buck

What's your record for consecutive questions asked?

Miles

Thirty-eight.

Buck

I'm your Dad's brother all right.

Miles

You have much more hair in your nose than my Dad.

Buck

How nice of you to notice.

Miles

I'm a kid. That's my job.

Clip 7

Buck hates two things. Firstly, Tia's boyfriend kissing her passionately in public. And secondly, people who mock his car (which belches smoke and back-fires explosively).

Bug

You ever hear of a tune-up?

[Laughs]

Buck

[Mocks BUG'S laugh]

You ever hear of a ritual killing?

[Mocks BUG'S laugh]

Bug

I don't get it.

Buck

You gnaw on her face in public like that again and you'll be one.

[Mocks BUG'S laugh]

Clip 8

Buck's friend, Roger, has let the cat out of the bag vis-a-vis Chanice and now Tia is full of questions about Buck's romantic interest.

Tia

What's a Chanice?

Buck

That's someone who's, uh... sometimes seen around the Buck.

Tia

Your girlfriend?

Buck

A friend and, yes, she is a girl.

Tia

Aren't you supposed to marry her or something?

Buck

The subject has come up, yes, but... uh, nothing serious.

Tia

Maybe if you got married you'd stop being such an a**hole!

Clip 9

Pooter. He's a famous local entertainer. But he's also drunk. When he's about to entertain a group of eight-year-olds. Which doesn't sit right with Buck. It's time to lay down the law.

Buck

What... what, did you have a few drinks this morning? Huh? Like... I think you did, didn't ya?

Pooter

Wh... what are you, Mother Cabrini? You never touch the stuff?

Buck

No, no, no, but I, uh... I wouldn't be drinking if I was entertain some kids.

Pooter

Hey, I don't have to take any sh*t from you. You know who I am? In the field of local live home entertainment... I'm a GOD!

Buck

[Points to the car POOTER arrived in, which is disguised as a giant mouse]

Get in your mouse... and get out of here.

Pooter

Hey, you... let me tell you somethin', you low-life, lying, four-flushing sack of sh -

[BUCK punches POOTER square on his big red nose, knocking him backwards]

[POOTER shakes his head and prepares to retaliate at which point BUCK hits him a second time]

Clip 10

Tia, to infuriate her controlling uncle, has decided to kiss her boyfriend's face off whilst Buck, Miles and Maizy look on from the car.

Miles

That's a pretty stupid thing to do during flu season.

Maizy

I bet she's getting the tongue.

Clip 11

The Assistant Principal of Maizy's elementary school is meeting with Buck to discuss his niece. But Buck can't get over the size of the mole on Anita Hogarth's face.

Buck

[Closing the door to the office behind him]

Morning!

Anita

I'm Anita Hogarth.

Buck

[Extending his hand for ANITA HOGARTH to shake]

Buck Melanoma, Moley Russell's wart.

Clip 12

You can tell that Buck's crass nature is rubbing off on his six-year-old niece. It's subtle but if you listen carefully, you'll pick out something that he's sure to have said accidentally.

Teacher

Does anyone have a special story to tell the class about something that happened this week?

[MAIZY raises her hand]

Maizy?

Maizy

My uncle was microwaving my socks and the dog threw up on the couch for about an hour.

Teacher

Honest?

Maizy

Yes.

Teacher

Why was your uncle microwaving your socks?

Maizy

He can't get the goddam washing machine to work!

Teacher

BLASPHEMER!

Clip 13

Chanice is listening to an answering machine message left for her by Buck. She's feeling peculiarly sentimental about it, despite him letting her down for what COULD be the last time.

Buck

Chanice? It's Buck. I hate these machines. Um... look, I'm just calling to say I, uh... I miss ya. I know you probably don't believe it but it's... it's true. And no, I haven't been drinking, I... I've been thinking a lot about you and what we've talked about in the past few weeks. Oh, I think about you all the time. Think about those two little dimples on your buns.

[Laughs]

Chanice

Dimples!

Buck

What did we call them? One... one was... the right was Lyndon and the left was...

Chanice

Was Johnson!

Buck

Johnson I think... no, that was your...

[CHANICE laughs]

Buck

... boobs we did. No, your boobs were Minnie and Mickey. I remember that because of Disneyworld. And Felix. Felix was what we called your -

[A cat is heard meowing]