11 MP3 Audio clips from Bad Santa 2 (2016)

PLAY ALL 11 CLIPS

Clip 1

Why would Willie ever want to go on another heist with Marcus after all that happened last time? I mean, Marcus SHOT him. With real bullets. That's just not what friends do, is it?!

Marcus

I know we left on bad terms but you gotta understand, it was only business. We were partners and I broke that sacred bond. It's not an excuse but Lois got all up in my kitchen. Crazy b**ch had me all turned around with her magical Laotian pu**y.

Willie

Don't blame it on the snapper.

Marcus

I was pu**y-blind! I'm ashamed.

Willie

You tried to murder me, you little pr**k. Remember that? And not with some little nubbin-d*ck gun but with adult, man-sized bullets.

Marcus

And now I'm here to make it up to you!

Clip 2

Thurman is high on the spectrum and he doesn't really understand social interaction or personal relationships very well. And if you need an illustration of that, look no further...

Thurman

Why do you have to go so soon? We just got back together.

Willie

Cut that sh*t out. We're not back together.

Thurman

I guess you don't know what today is?

Willie

I don't even know what fu*king year it is, kid.

Thurman

It's my birthday.

Willie

Today is your fu*king birthday?

Thurman

Uh-huh. I'm twenty-one. Officially a man.

Willie

God damn! You're twenty-one already? That's creepy.

Thurman

Are you still gonna pop my cherry?

Willie

Am I gonna WHAT?! No. FU*K no!

Thurman

But you said that when I was twenty-one, that you'd pop my cherry.

Willie

I said I'd GET it done by somebody else. Besides that, I'm a fu*king guy! You didn't turn funny, did you?

Thurman

Am... I funny?

Willie

So you haven't done it with anybody yet? Not a man or a woman or an animal or anything?

Thurman

No. I waited for you.

Willie

But surely... you've jerked off.

Thurman

You mean masturbate, don't you?

Willie

Well, if you wanna be scientific, yeah, I guess so.

Thurman

My friend Ronnie says it's when you play with your wiener and think about your mother. I did it once but it felt weird. She's in heaven with God, you know. Watching me...

Clip 3

Sunny really LOOKS the part, dressed as Mrs. Claus. But she's not got the love in her heart. In fact, she's downright cruel and two-faced. If a baby's ugly, then be HONEST with its parents. Right?!

[A man pushes a pram over to where SUNNY, WILLIE and MARCUS are collecting money]

Sunny

[Looking down at the baby inside]

Look at those cheeks!

[The pram is moved away]

That's the ugliest fu*king baby on the planet.

Willie

I guess the abortion didn't take.

Clip 4

Willie has been collecting cash for charity all day. But he needs some hair of the dog and what better way to fund some booze than sticking your hand in the charity can?

Marcus

Stop it, Willie.

Willie

What? We're gonna steal this sh*t any fu*king way! Who cares?

Marcus

But if we get fired, we've got no access to the building. And if we've got no access to the building, we've got no access to the safe. And if we've got no access to the safe, there's no reason for me to be standing out here, freezing my fu*king NUTS off!

Willie

You mean your nuts haven't been scraped off 'cos they're so low to the ground, already?

Marcus

You know... every time you passed out, I'd lay 'em on your forehead and take a picture of it. I got a whole Instagram of that sh*t of me tea-bagging you. Four-thousand followers and counting, mother fu*ker! Ha HA!

Clip 5

When Willie gets arrested (for beating the sh*t out of a paedophile Santa) he wakes up in a police cell with a man who clearly wants more than conversation.

Criminal

Hey! I always wanted to fu*k me a Santa.

Willie

Well, I always wanted to sh*t on a tattooed d*ck, so we're perfect for each other.

Policeman

Cook! Let's go.

Willie

See you in my dreams, chief.

Clip 6

Diane has bailed Willie out and made sure that no criminal charges are coming his way. But he's fired. He's definitely fired.

Diane

You can turn in your suit when you clean yourself up.

Willie

Hang on a second... you're firing me? I rooted out a pervert. You should be throwing me a fu*king parade.

Diane

And we're very grateful. But you reek of whisky. You know the rules and you're flouting them.

Willie

Flouting? I never sucked jizz out of nobody's ass. With a straw.

Diane

I... I believe that's felching. Not that I would know.

Clip 7

Mothers. You love 'em, of course. But they seem to have an endless supply of embarrassing stories and naked photos of us as children with which to turn us a bright shade of red. Am I right?

Sunny

Arrested? Christ! William -

Willie

I was not arrested. I was detained.

Sunny

Yeah. What were you thinking?

Willie

I handled it.

Sunny

Mm-hmm.

Willie

Told her I'd go to an AA meeting with her.

Sunny

Don't buy their sh*t, William.

Willie

I said I fu*king handled it. What are you, deaf?!

Sunny

Well, you talk like you have a c*ck in your mouth, Sh*tstick.

[She turns to a poor unsuspecting stranger next to her at the bar]

Hey, you know why we call him Sh*tstick? 'Cos even when he was a baby, he'd try to butt-fu*k everything.

Willie

Goddammit.

Sunny

Stuffed monkey, neighbour's dog... I'm telling you, if it had a butt, he'd try to fu*k it. He's there with his little nub, going...

[She mimics pelvic thrusting]

Anyway, I think you ought to be working the sexual angle with her. 'Cos I know for a fact that that husband ain't getting it done. That guy never rocked a clit in his life. And that is one piece of motherly advice I hope you took to heart.

Clip 8

Marcus has a date with Gina. Gina has the keys to the electrical room at the charity. He needs those keys. But he'd also like, as he himself would say, "to get up in that woman."

Marcus

How do I look?

Willie

You look like one of those trolls that gang-fu*ked Willy Wonka.

Sunny

Good one, Sh*tstick!

Clip 9

Gina. She's a dark horse. Smart and professional at work but between the sheets, she's filthy. And I mean seriously filthy. Marcus had no idea he came so close to death. Really.

Gina

Well, thank you, Ronald. That was some fine crustaceans.

Marcus

Yeah! Maybe we should take this upstairs?

Gina

Mmm...

Marcus

What? When it's right it's right. I feel it. Do you feel it?

Gina

You're really fun, but -

Marcus

I'm not tall enough for you?

Gina

WHAT?!

Marcus

Go on and say it.

Gina

NO! Your height has nothing to do with it. I don't even see height.

Marcus

What's the trouble then, baby?

Gina

You're just not my type. I'm into older guys, y'know... like, older Jewish guys, older Irish guys, dads... not my dad, other people's dads. They're the best, y'know? They're usually into anal but their wives won't give it up. But I don't mind. I'm just into... y'know, more mature, experienced guys. Guys who are well travelled, cultured and into butt stuff. Bad boys, y'know? Guys that don't give a fu*k and treat me like sh*t. A guy who if I asked him to choke me, would enjoy it just a little too much.

Marcus

Damn, girl! I wouldn't have picked you out for that kind of sh*t.

Gina

Christmas in general gets me so drenched. I mean, a guy breaks into your house, eats your food and then punishes you because you're naughty?! I think I'm gonna go upstairs and watch It's a Wonderful Life and rub one out... right now!

Clip 10

Willie has landed a "side-job" as Santa at a high-society event. The children are either delightfully polite or horribly demanding. This one comes under the former category.

Little Girl

Hey, you're wet!

Willie

No sh*t! What can I do for you?

Little Girl

Will you be able to find me at my Grandma's house in Grand Rapids because no-one's going to be at our Chicago house for two weeks.

Willie

Oh, yeah. Don't worry. I'll find you. But hey, do Santy a favour, will ya? You know the address of where you're not going to be? Right it down on a piece of paper and bring it back to Santy, will ya? All right, Honey. Good girl.

Clip 11

The boy wants a hand grenade for Christmas. And Willie wants a hand... what now?! Not from the kid, you understand. Willie is no pervert.

Willie

What's up, champ?

Boy

I wanna hand grenade.

Willie

Yeah, and I want a hand release but you don't see me holding my breath, do you?

Boy

What's a hand release?

Willie

It's kind of a compromise. Anyway, Santy ain't no arms dealer so I can't help you out. See ya later.