18 MP3 Audio clips from Wayne's World (1992)

PLAY ALL 18 CLIPS

Clip 1

Wayne and Garth's special guest this week is Ron... the inventor of the Suck Kut, a convenient solution to your home haircut needs.

Wayne

Now, Ron... the question that's on everybody's mind is, how does it work?

Ron

I'm fully prepared to give a complete demonstration.

Wayne

Okay, okay... Garth. Just sit there and he's gonna put that thing on your melon. Okay?

Garth

Just... just a trim. Don't buzz me, all right?

[RON switches on the machine and begins to pass it over GARTH'S head, causing GARTH to scream]

Wayne

So tell me, Ron... exactly how does the Suck Kut work?

Ron

Well, as you can see, it sucks as it cuts.

Wayne

It certainly does suck!

Clip 2

Glen is the manager of Stan Mikita's Donuts. And he's a troubled soul. Just HOW troubled, you'll realise shortly. But let's just say that he could probably do with some professional help.

Glen

I'd never done a crazy thing in my life before that night. Why is it... if a man kills another man in battle, it's called heroic. Yet, if he kills a man in the heat of passion, it's called murder.

Wayne

Hullo! What do you think you're doing? Only me and Garth get to talk to the camera. C'mon!

Clip 3

Stacy. She's a little bit psycho (as Ava Max would say). She's a bunny-boiler. And she's Wayne's ex-girlfriend. Just a pity she doesn't realise that, really.

Stacy

Happy anniversary, Wayne.

Wayne

Stacy, we broke up two months ago.

Stacy

Well, that doesn't mean we can't still go out.

Wayne

Well, it does, actually. That's what breaking up is.

Stacy

Well, are you gonna go to The Gasworks tonight?

Wayne

No.

Group

NO!

Stacy

Don't you wanna open your present?

Wayne

If it's a severed head, I'm gonna be very upset.

Stacy

Open it.

Wayne

Okay.

[He tears the wrapping paper off the gift]

What is it?

Stacy

It's a gun rack.

Wayne

A gun rack? A gun rack. Yeah, right. I don't even own a gun, let alone many guns that would necessitate an entire rack. What am I gonna do... with a gun rack?

Stacy

You don't like it? Fine. You know, Wayne... if you're not careful, you're gonna lose me.

Wayne

I lost you two months ago! Are you mental? We broke up! Get the net!

Clip 4

Whilst cruising the streets of Chicago, the boys come across a Rolls Royce. They pull up next to it and Wayne has the passenger wind down his window for this particular jape.

Wayne

Pardon me. Do you have any Grey Poupon?

Clip 5

Wayne and Garth are waiting for the "Mirth Mobile" which is undergoing its annual inspection. Wayne is using his time wisely. He's learning Cantonese.

Wayne

[Repeats a phrase he's heard on his earphones in Cantonese]

Garth

Stop it! You're scaring me.

Wayne

[By way of explanation, WAYNE holds up the cassette case for the language course]

Garth

Oh, cool. You're learning Cassandra's language. I've never seen you so mental over a girl before. Are you gonna marry her?

Wayne

Garth... marriage is punishment for shoplifting in some countries.

Clip 6

Wayne and Garth are on the bonnet of the Mirth Mobile in the flight path for O'Hare Airport having a heart-to-heart.

Garth

What are you thinking about?

Wayne

Cassandra. She's a fox. In France, she would be called Le Renard. And she would be hunted, with only her cunning to protect her.

Garth

She's a babe.

Wayne

She's a robo-babe. In Latin she would be called Babia Majora.

Garth

If she were a president, she'd be Babe-raham Lincoln!

Clip 7

The heart-to-heart continues but they've somehow ventured into some very odd territory.

Garth

Did you ever find Bugs Bunny attractive when he'd put on a dress and play a girl bunny?

Wayne

No!

[He begins to laugh raucously]

No!

Garth

Neither did I. I... I was just asking.

Clip 8

Russell is trying to explain the complexities of a professional TV studio. To Wayne. Yeah.

Russell

Guys!

[He clicks his fingers to get attention]

I will be talking to the cameraman on... the headset. It will be Terry's job to give the actors their hand cues.

Wayne

Oh, excuse me, Russell but I believe I requested the hand job!

Clip 9

Mrs. Vanderhoff is examining a broadcast camera in the studio, peering right down its lens and unaware that Terry is standing close enough to hear her.

Mrs. Vanderhoff

It's so huge!

Terry

Thanks. Do I frighten you?

Mrs. Vanderhoff

No.

Terry

Do you want me to?

Clip 10

It's time for some sucking up. Noah is the sponsor, Benjamin wants his money. Wayne remains indifferent. As you're about to find out!

Benjamin

You know, Noah. I gotta tell ya... I love you on that couch.

Noah

You think?

Benjamin

Wayne, did you know that Noah does all his own commercials?

Noah

Yeah, I got a new one where I rap.

[This is painful to watch]

Come bust-a-move where the games are played, it's chill, its fresh, it's Noah's Arcade.

What do you think of that?

Wayne

I'd have to say... asssphinctersayswhat?

Noah

What?

Wayne

Asssphinctersayswhat?

Noah

What?

Wayne

Exactly!

Clip 11

The thing about working with Wayne and Garth is that sooner or later you start talking like them. Russell is about to find that out and it horrifies him.

Benjamin

Have you spoken to Wayne about the Vanderhoff spot?

Russell

Yes. Briefly. He was not very receptive.

Benjamin

Oh, really? Well, I'll explain it to him that it's not a choice. It's in his contract.

Russell

Oh... well, Wayne'll understand that right away... NOT!

[He realises that he's just used a Wayne-ism]

Excuse me!

Clip 12

Glen. Again. He's still a psycho. When Davy tells him his bad news, Glen jumps to all of the wrong conclusions. But they'd be wrong for Buffalo Bill!

Glen

Anything wrong, Davy?

Davy

Yeah. I got paid today.

Glen

Oh yeah, I know what that's like.

Davy

No. You don't understand. They laid me off. I got one of these.

Glen

Yeah. I know how that feels.

Davy

You know what I'd like to do?

Glen

Yeah, I know what you'd like to do. You'd like to find the guy that did it, rip his still beating heart out of his chest and hold it in front of his face so he can see how black it is before he dies.

Davy

Actually, I was thinking about filing a grievance with the union.

Glen

Well, the world's a twisted place!

Clip 13

This is... interesting relationship advice from Wayne. I'm not sure how this could ever work in real life. Sure, I've had butterflies but I've never thrown up in front of a girl!

Garth

Wayne, um... what do you do if every time you see this one incredible woman, y... you think you're gonna hurl?

Wayne

I say hurl. If you blow chunks and she comes back, she's yours. If you spew and she bolts, it was never meant to be.

Clip 14

Benjamin is trying to impress Cassandra with his twenty-third storey luxury apartment complete with terrace. The drinks are served, now it's just the food to go...

Benjamin

Hmm, who wants Chinese takeout? I know a great place.

Wayne

I'll have the Cream of Sumyunguy!

Clip 15

Alice Cooper. He's a god among rockers. He has a career in fear. And so far as Wayne and Garth are concerned, they're simply not worthy.

Wayne & Garth

We're not worthy! We're not worthy! We're not worthy! We're scum! We're not worthy!

Clip 16

Sometimes, just SOMETIMES, holding an intense conversation on the approach path of a major airport has its advantages. Some words are drowned out by the roar of jets overhead.

Wayne

You know what you can do with your pop quiz?

Garth

Well, you know what you can do with your show. You can take a flying...

[The inbound Boeing drowns out what GARTH says next]

... 'til the handle breaks off and you have to find a doctor to pull it out again.

Wayne

You kiss your mother with that mouth? You've gone mental. I'm gettin' outta here, Damian!

Garth

Fine, then go.

Wayne

I'm gone.

Garth

Go, then.

Wayne

I am.

Garth

Go.

Wayne

I'm gone.

Garth

Go, then.

Wayne

Well, I am.

Clip 17

Is it just the green-eyed monster rearing its ugly head or is Cassandra really being unfaithful to Wayne. No. Of course she's not. He's being a d*ck.

Wayne

Where you going?

Cassandra

Chicago. Benjamin set up the video shoot. I'll be there for three days.

Wayne

Oh, well I guess Benjamin will be there, too.

Cassandra

Well, he's producing it. And what does that mean?

Wayne

Well, it just means he's been paying you an awful lot of attention lately.

Cassandra

Well, maybe he thinks I've got some talent.

Wayne

Maybe he's poking you.

Cassandra

What? You think that's the way I get a gig?

Wayne

Well, first he screws me... then he screws you. It's Dutch door action.

Cassandra

Could you be any more insulting?

Wayne

Yeah.

Clip 18

It's time Russell knew the truth about his so-called friend, Benjamin. And who better to educate him than Garth?

Russell

Benjamin's my friend.

Garth

No. Benjamin is no-one's friend. If Benjamin were an ice-cream flavour, he'd be pralines and d*ck!