8 MP3 Audio clips from Season 2 of Ghosts (UK) (2019)

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Alison is keeping the ghosts entertained. In Pat's case, that's watching all of the World Cup football (soccer) matches that he's missed since his untimely death on VHS.

Alison

So, where did we get to?

Pat

Uh... World Cup '86. It's the quarter finals.

Alison

England / Argentina? All right.

Julian

Ahhhhh... the hand of God.

Pat

You what?

Julian

Maradona. Scores with a handball. Swings the match.

Pat

Well, don't tell me the sc -

Julian

Two one to Argentina.

Pat

What's wrong with you? You absolute -

Robin

TICKET!

[This sounds like "d*ckhead"]

Alison

Robin!

Robin

Six letter. Permit to travel. TICKET!

[We see that ROBIN is actually doing a crossword]

Alison

Oh! Ticket!

Robin

Ticket!

Alison

Ticket!

Robin

Yeah.

Alison

Yeah. Okay.

Alison and Mike have decided to turn Button House into a venue for weddings, Bar Mitzvahs etc. They've hired a photographer and Mike is explaining the plan.

Mike

So the aim is to turn it into a venue.

Photographer

Venue for what?

Mike

Uh, well... you know, weddings, parties, Bar Mitzvahs... girl Mitzvahs.

Photographer

Bat Mitzvahs.

Mike

For bats?

Photographer

What?

Mike

What?

The new plan is to open Button House to ghost hunters. And to do that, Alison wants her pet spirits to help keep the guests entertained.

Alison

And you just get to be yourselves without me telling you not to, so... go full ghost. Julian, just shove anything you like, Robin... just go crazy with the lights, Mary... a lot of weird burning smells, and... a few Fanny pictures.

[Editor's note: A "fanny" in America is a backside. But in England, a "fanny" is, in fact, the... er... how can I put this? The front bottom. The Lady Garden. The Foo-Foo. The Vajayjay. Which means any use of the name Fanny makes English people giggle like school children.]

The ghosts don't want to play ball. They won't entertain a bunch of ghost hunters. Which means drastic action is necessary for the success of their money-making scheme.

Captain

They are planning on faking it all. Pretending that there are ghosts. I mean... it makes a mockery of our very existence.

Julian

But... these people came here for a glimpse of Fanny.

Lady Button

Yes! And they can hardly fake that.

[Editor's note: Yes. This is again funny because of the use of the name Fanny and its double meaning.]

There's always room in any comedy show for a Top Gun quote. Seriously. I don't care which one. But I would like to hear "I feel the need... the need for speed" more often.

Alison

Thanks, Pat. You can be my wingman any time.

Pat

Bullsh*t! You can be mine!

All of the house ghosts witnessed Thomas' death. And they're telling the same story from their own particular perspectives.

Alison

Annie? Who's Annie?

Mary

True friend to me.

Alison

I see...

Mary

'Til she got sucked off.

Alison

I'm... sorry?

Mary

[Mimes ascending to heaven]

Alison

Like "moved on".

Mary

Oh, yeah... there's many that's been sucked off in this house.

Alison

Moved on.

Mary

I used to dream of the day that I would be sucked off.

Alison

Moved on.

Mary

But I've long since given up hope of ever being sucked off.

Alison

Moving on...

Thomas has just finished performing one of his very drab, very dull poems to a room full of eighteenth century noblemen and women. It hasn't gone down overly well to be completely honest.

Nobleman

The man's a penis!

And when the story is all told, there's a startling revelation for Alison. And an even more startling revelation from Robin.

Alison

Wait... hold on... Button? So... that means we're related?

Thomas

Yes! No. I mean very distantly related. Our children would be fine.

Pat

We're probably all related if you go back far enough.

Robin

Yeah... you all come from me. And my sister.