8 MP3 Audio clips from Season 1 of Ghosts (UK) (2019)

PLAY ALL 40 CLIPS IN THE RANDOMISER™

Alison & Mike are at the solicitor's office where they are being told of their inheritance.

Mike

I feel like I'm in the Headmaster's office.

[He spots a bowl of something he assumes is edible on the desk]

These look nice.

[He puts a lump of the stuff into his mouth]

Solicitor

That's potpourri.

[MIKE crunches noisily on the fragranced flower petals]

Lady Button needs to get something off her chest. Firstly, she was murdered. Secondly, her husband was unfaithful. Thirdly, he was unfaithful with not one man but two.

Lady Button

What kind of coward would push a Lady out of the window?

Captain

Now, steady on Fanny.

Lady Button

No. No I won't because I... was pushed. Do you hear me? I was pushed. And I have never told a soul. It was my husband, George. I caught him... 'pon the Groundskeeper.

Captain

Good Lord.

Lady Button

With the Butler... 'pon him.

Captain

Urgh.

Kitty

Like a sandwich.

Mary

A manwich.

Julian

It's actually known as a Moroccan Teaparty.

Mike is trying to fix the boiler in the cellar which is infested with the ghosts of a dozen plague victims. They've seen it all before. If only he could hear their advice.

Plague Ghost 1

What's he doing?

Plague Ghost 2

Oh. No. Daddy. No, you need to prime the inlet pump. Open the induction loop. Re-pressurise the system and connect the gas feed and then ignite -

[MIKE starts hitting the boiler with a hammer]

- or just hit it with a hammer.

Plague Ghost 1

Unbelievable!

Lady Button is bombarding Alison with advice about how to be a Lady. This advice is unwelcome and very annoying. As Lady Button is about to find out.

Lady Button

A Lady employs a knife and fork. A Lady pinches; whores use rouge. A Lady does not hold a carrot like that. A Lady wouldn't tell me to do that to myself!

Alison is visiting the hospital where she recently awoke from her coma to find out why she's seeing dead people. Is this a side-effect of the bang to her head or is she actually seeing ghosts?

Male Doctor

Well, my diagnosis based on what you've told me is that your accident left you so close to death yourself, you're now able to see dead people.

Alison

What... do you mean?

Male Doctor

Well... can you see me?

Alison

Yes. I can.

Male Doctor

Exactly. I'm dead.

[The real doctor walks in to the room and the "ghost" doctor hides in a cabinet with just his head visible]

Female Doctor

So sorry to have kept you.

Male Doctor

Ooh, she's very good.

Alison

Ooooh!

Female Doctor

What can I do for you?

Kitty has just disturbed Alison and Mike. In bed. Just as they were about to... you know... get it on.

Alison

You can't just appear like that. Not when we're in bed.

Kitty

Were you and Mike making a baby?

Alison

Uh... what? No. No. I mean I was hoping to get in a bit of practise but...

Kitty

Practise?

Alison

You know... getting jiggy with it. How's your father.

Kitty

He's dead I think.

Alison

You don't know what I'm talking about, do you?

Kitty

I thought babies were made when you pressed ears together.

Alison

[Laughing]

Oh, no. Who told you that?

Kitty

My sister. How do you make a baby?

Alison

Well, okay... so, uh... when a.... when a man and a woman love each other very, very much... or not... actually sometimes that can be more fun.

Colin

Alison?

Alison

You'll have to ask one of the others. I've gotta go.

Kitty has asked Lady Button to explain where babies come from. And she's only too happy to oblige. Except that she's still pretty bitter about her husband's ménage àtrois. Clearly.

Lady Button

You want to know how babies are made, Kitty? Well... the bees, you see... like men... visit the flowers. Some bees like just one type of flower. Though it turns out not your flower because your flower just isn't good enough. So there you are... on display... waiting for the big strong bee with his big pollen sacs underneath him and he goes to a different flower. And sometimes, Kitty the bee only likes other bees and you think, "but why have you chosen that bee and not my flower?" But they don't care, you see? They just buzz around and ignore you.

Mike and Alison have unexpected guests. Refined guests. Guests that they want to impress with their cuisine and company.

Mike

Oooh, make your lasagne.

Alison

Mike... my lasagne is frozen lasagne. I'm not serving them that. I don't want her thinking that we're the sort of people that we are.

Mike

Well, what do posh people eat?

Lady Button

Turtle Soup.

Alison

No.

Mike

What?

Alison

Turtle Soup?

Mike

Oh, yeah... no.

Lady Button

Oyster Rissoles?

Alison

Oyster Rissoles?

Mike

You don't like shellfish. And I'm not eating anything's rissole.

Alison

I don't think it means what you think it means.