23 MP3 Audio clips from Season 3 of Father Ted (1995)

PLAY ALL 49 CLIPS IN THE RANDOMISER™

Ted has been away from the Parochial House and, in his absence, Dougal has got himself a hamster.

[We hear DOUGAL'S hamster running in its wheel]

Ted

What is making that incredibly annoying noise?

Dougal

Well, that's Ronaldo. It was a bit lonely without you, Ted so I got a hamster instead.

Ted

Yes, can I ask though, does he ever stop running in that fecking wheel?

The hamster isn't the only thing that changed in Ted's absence. Father Jack has taken to living in a large trunk in the middle of the living room floor.

Ted

How long has Father Jack been living in there?

Dougal

Uh, he started just a few days after you left.

Ted

Maybe he's agoraphobic.

Dougal

Jack scared of fighting? I don't think so, Ted!

If you're going to do a racist impression of a Chinese person, it's probably best to make sure that no Chinese person sees you doing the impression.

Ted

Dougal... you don't think I upset those Chinese people earlier?

Dougal

I don't know, Ted. It was like the time we put on that variety show and you did that impression of Stephen Hawking.

Ted

He was the last person you'd expect to turn up. That was a million-to-one shot. God... he can fairly move in that wheelchair when he's angry.

Priest socks are the blackest of all socks. Most black socks are actually just very, very, very, very dark blue.

Ted

Never buy black socks in a normal shop.

[TED leans in and whispers conspiratorially to DOUGAL]

They'll shaft you every time.

The local community have heard about Ted's impression of Chinese people. They want to know if they, too, should become racist.

Colm

Hello there, Father.

Ted

Hello, Colm!

[Laughs]

Colm

I hear you're a racist now, Father.

Ted

Wh... what?

Colm

How did you get interested in that type of thing?

Ted

Who said I'm a racist?

Colm

Everyone's saying it, Father. Should we all be racist now? What's the official line the church is taking on it?

Ted

No, no!

Colm

Only, the farm takes up most of the day and at night, I just like a cup of tea. I mightn't be able to devote myself full-time to the old racism.

Colin the sheep has become un-nerved by the "Beast of Craggy Island" and this might affect his chances of winning Sheep of the Year.

Dougal

If I was a sheep, I'd be watching my back right now.

Ted

Why?

Dougal

Because of the beast. They say it's as big as four cats and it's got a retractable leg so as it can leap up at your better. But you know what, Ted... it lights up at night and, uh... it's got four ears. Two of them are for listening and the other two are kind of back-up ears. And... it's claws are as big as cups. And for some reason it's got a tremendous fear of stamps. Mrs Doyle was telling me that it's got magnets on its tail so as if you're made of metal it can attach itself to you and instead of a mouth it's got four arses.

Ted

DOUGAL!

Mrs Doyle is entertaining Pat Mustard, the Lothario milkman in the kitchen. He wants to put his massive tool in her box.

Mrs Doyle

Hello, Father. Ooh! Pat was wondering if he could put his massive tool in my box.

Ted

WHAT?! HOW DARE YOU!

Pat

Yeah, it's too big for the milkfloat.

[We see that the "tool" he's referring to is actually a very large adjustable spanner]

I'll, uh... I'll pick it up tomorrow.

Jack has accidentally attended a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous. And shortly thereafter, one of the other members sees him enter a pub. He has to put an end to that.

Jack

DRINK! DRINK! DRINK! DRINK! DRINK! DR-INK!

AA Member

Don't do it, Father. I won't let you do it. I know it hurts but believe me... you're gonna thank me for -

[Cut to an ambulance racing away with blue lights and siren blazing]

Ted is convinced that the parochial house has been bugged by Father Dick Burn. Whilst he's searching for the bug, he wants Dougal to keep up appearances.

Ted

Anyway, Dougal, you were saying... about the school reunion.

Dougal

Well... I didn't recognise any of them. And do you know what, Ted... they'd all become firemen. I was the only one there who wasn't a fireman. Can you believe that?

Ted

Uh... Dougal, uh... you didn't go to a fire station or something by mistake?

Dougal

Ahhhhhhhhhhhh!

Ted has bought a cynical Mrs Doyle a book entitled "Understanding Football for Women" and she's been practising.

Mrs Doyle

Go on... my son!

Mrs Doyle has used her new-found knowledge of the "beautiful game" to enlighten the other women of Craggy Island who are keen to sing some football chants at the over 75's match.

♪

Women

You're not singing, you're not singing, you're not singing any more... You're not singing any more!

♪

The team need some inspiration and during half-time, Ted stirs them up with a motivational speech.

Ted

Now get out there and let's LICK SOME ARSE!

[He realises his mistake]

KICK SOME ARSE!

And now the women have moved on to the advanced section of the book. As Dick Burn's team lose the match, they cry out in unison.

Women

You're SH*T, ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

Despite winning the match, Ted has forfeited the bet having been caught cheating.

Dougal

Got the forfeit, Ted.

Ted

Oh, God!

Dougal

Dick said it was an extra special forfeit because you were such a big, cheating bastard.

Ted

All right, open it. Open it! The tension is killing me.

Dougal

Ah, don't worry, Ted. He probably just wants you to clean his car or some -

Ted

What is it? Break it to me gently!

Dougal

All right. Ted. By this time next week... you have t -

Ted

What?

Dougal

You have to...

[TED snatches the letter and reads it for himself]

Ted

Kick Bishop Brennan up the arse!

Even the TV listings appear real to Dougal.

Dougal

Clint Eastwood has been arrested for a crime he didn't... oh, wait. No. It's a film!

Bishop Brennan has arrived at the parochial house on the pretence of seeing an image of himself in the skirting board. Of course, he's actually there so that Ted can kick him up the arse.

Bishop Brennan

CRILLY!

Ted

Ah!

Dougal

Hello, Len!

Bishop Brennan

Don't call me Len you little pr**k! I'm a Bishop.

Dougal

Oh, right. Well done!

Ted needs to stall the Bishop as his first attempt at kicking him up the arse has failed. An overnight stay is required to give him time to complete his forfeit.

Bishop Brennan

So essentially, we have to spend the night.

Ted

Yes.

Bishop Brennan

Oh, bollocks!

Bishop Brennan has just done the unthinkable and awoken Jack from his drunken slumber.

Bishop Brennan

Did we disturb you, Father Hackett?

Jack

ARSE BISCUITS!

Father Jessup

What? How dare you speak to his grace like that! Apologise immediately!

Jack

[Sarcastically] I'm soooooo, soooooo sorry!

It's the Father Ted theme song. Performed by The Divine Comedy.

The Craggy Island heartthrob Eoin McLove is paying Mrs Doyle a visit.

Dougal

I think he's just pulled up, Ted. The good news is he can only afford a crappy blue Ford Cortina. Imagine going around in that thing.

Ted

That's my car!

Eoin is standing a little bit too close to Father Jack.

Eoin

I smell wee. Where's that coming from? It's this one here. This one smells of wee.

Eoin McLove is leaving but he's taking more than he came with.

Ted

Eoin, did you have those suitcases with you when you came?

Eoin

No. They're yours. I just liked a lot of stuff here so I thought I'd pack it up and take it off with me.

Dougal

Ooooh... that's very cheeky!

Eoin

Well, I'm taking everything and that's that. Come on, Patsy.

Patsy

I'm sorry he's been so much trouble, Father. I think a lot of it has to do with his... problem.

Ted

Oh yes, you mentioned something about that earlier. What is his problem?

Eoin

I have no willy.

Mrs Doyle is the housekeeper and cook. She's preparing something special for lunch tomorrow.

Mrs Doyle

Father, are you looking forward to your lunch tomorrow?

Ted

Well... yes, I suppose so.

Mrs Doyle

I think you'll enjoy it. You do like pheasant, don't ya?

Ted

Pheasant? God, I love pheasant.

Mrs Doyle

Well, that's a little clue. The thing you'll be eating likes pheasant as well!