12 MP3 Audio clips from Season 3 of The Fast Show (1994)

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The thirteenth Duke of Wybourne has a certain... reputation. He's sleazy and he certainly shouldn't be anywhere NEAR young women; especially at three o'clock in the morning.

Duke

Me? The thirteenth Duke of Wybourne? Here? In a French-Maid's finishing school? At three o'clock in the morning? With my reputation? BINGO!

Ron Manager. He's the stereotype of the football pundit who's lost the plot. He's out of his depth and living in the past. And yet, somehow, he still manages to appear on TV.

Ron Manager

No, no, no we were always very focussed. No... we concentrated on the four key attributes. Concentration, Understanding of the Game, Nous and Tenacity.

Presenter

Well, that's a lot to remember for today's modern footballers, Ron. They're not exactly blessed with over-intelligence, are they? You'd hardly call them, um... Mensa candidates, for instance.

Ron Manager

[Laughs]

Mensa, they're not. Isn't it? Aren't they? No. Hmm? No, there's a simple, uh... mnemonic. You know, it's uh... Concentration, Understanding, Nous and Tenacity. That's C, U, N...

[He realises what the mnemonic spells and stops himself]

Tommy Stein

Tenacity, Ron.

Ron Manager

No, uh... enjoyment. E. C, U, N, E. Cune. Y'see? That's easy to remember, isn't it?

Tommy Stein

Well, Ron... I always had you down for a... Tenacity, Integrity and Tenacity again man.

Presenter

I always thought you were more of an Application, Resourcefulness, Strength and Enjoyment man myself, Ron.

Ron Manager

Now wait a minute! I like you but that's the lingo of the snooker hall, isn't it?

Tommy Stein

Ron! Ron! Not on TV.

The "Hair-Trigger Guy" is a recurring character with only one thing linking all of his sketches. His tendency to orgasm at any moment.

Librarian

The atlases are all down this way. Um... I suppose you really just want London, don't you?

Customer

Yeah. Just a history, really. How London's changed.

Librarian

Yeah, I know the sort of thing you mean, yeah.

[He pulls out a footstool and immediately looks pained]

Ooooh! Ooooh. I'm sorry. I've just come. Um... have you seen the Harold Pinter book? It's, uh... a sort of social history. A lot of maps in it.

Customer

Yeah, I've seen it.

Librarian

I know what we do have...

[He begins to climb up to reach a book on a high shelf]

It's a history of... ooooh! Oh, sorry. I''ve just come again. It's a history of London... oh no, I'm sorry. I'm going to have to sit down, I think.

Swiss Toni. On the surface, a silver fox... suave, sophisticated. But underneath, a fragile mind which has already snapped.

Swiss Toni

Do I find you reading a book, Paul?

Paul

Yeah. Sorry, Swiss... there were no customers and... well, it's a guide book. I'm going camping at the weekend.

Swiss Toni

Putting up a tent is... very much like making love to a beautiful woman. Unzip the door, put up your pole and... slip into the old bag.

It's the thirteenth Duke of Wybourne again. How does he keep ending up in all of these inappropriate places? And why always at 3 o'clock in the morning?!

Duke

Me? The thirteenth Duke of Wybourne? Here? In a women's prison? At three o'clock in the morning? With my reputation? Oh well. Penal correctitude it is, then!

Him? The thirteenth Duke of Wybourne? Alone with his best friend's wife? At three o'clock in the morning? Jesus!

Duke of Wybourne

Me? The thirteenth Duke of Wybourne, here... alone with my best friend's wife... at three o'clock in the morning? With my reputation? While he's downstairs? I mean, what does he think I'm going to do? Sing her a lullaby or something?

When Lord Mayhew pops into the local pub to deliver some news to Ted, little does he know he's about to get roped into playing a drinking game at the worst possible time.

Ted's Friend 1

You've got to put a vegetable in front of each word in the right order.

Ted's Friend 2

This is how it goes, right? Tomatoes, aubergine, potato, turnip, carrot, asparagus, then you add one of your own and then it's back to tomatoes again.

Lord Ralph Mayhew

Tomato... Ted, aubergine... your, potato... wife's, turnip... dead.

Jesse. What's he going to be mostly wearing this season? Nipple clamps. That's what.

Jesse

This season, I will mostly be wearing... nipple clamps.

When it comes to the thirteenth Duke of Wybourne, not even farm animals are safe. Not when he's left alone on the farm.

Duke of Wybourne

Me? The thirteenth Duke of Wybourne, here? On a farm? Unattended? With my reputation? They must be absolutely stark raving bonkers. Daisy, daddy's home!

Colloquial accents are what the British are known for. Oh, and the great north / south divide. Northern Monkeys and Southern Poofs, right?

Cockney Man 1

Hello, you simple northern folk. We're cockneys! Yes. I'm east-end born and bred. We love our old mums.

Cockney Woman

Hello, have you any jellied eels?

Cockney Man 1

Ha ha, that's right... cockneys! We're hard as nails but loveable and cheeky with it.

Cockney Man 2

I say, you there. That fellow. You're an absolute shower. Are you looking at my lady?

Cockney Woman

Leave it, Justin. We don't want any trouble.

Geordie Man

That's all right, pet. We can handle ourselves. We're Geordies, divvant y'na?

Cockney Man

You northern scum!

Landlord

Haddaway and sh*te! Now stop it, you soft southern puffs... I'll have no rumpus in here. Now why don't you shake on it?

Geordie Man

Way aye, man.

Black Man

Check me one time, whitey. I'm a Yardie. From the Yard in a Kingston stylie. You know, Kingston in Richmond-Upon-Thames. You, rass-clart, Pimms all round!

This geologist is trying to perform a piece to camera but he's got a hair-trigger and he's so excited about his subject that he keeps... climaxing.

Geologist

This is a very young landscape. Forced up out of the North Sea by massive volcanic activity. And yet, at the same time, it is a very ancient landscape. This is what our planet would have looked like when it was first created. These rocks... I'm sorry, I've just cum. These rocks... oooh, no, I've just cum again. I think I'll go back to the hotel.

A mortuary isn't the sort of place even the horniest member of the aristocracy should be getting excited. But then, this is the thirteenth Duke of Wybourne.

Duke of Wybourne

Me? The thirteenth Duke of Wybourne? Here? In a mortuary at three o'clock in the morning, with my reputation? Are they quite mad? Oh well.