30 MP3 Audio clips from The Orville (2017)

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Admiral Halsey has just promoted Ed Mercer to Captain and given him commission of the USS Orville. Now all they need is a competent pilot.

Ed Mercer

I can get you the best Helmsman in the fleet.

Admiral Halsey

You mean, uh... Lieutenant Malloy? I'm... aware you two are friends.

Ed Mercer

Look... I... I know Gordon has his issues but we all know there's nobody who can drive a starship like him.

Admiral Halsey

Didn't he once draw a penis on the main viewing screen of Outpost T-85?

Ed Mercer

He's drawn a lot of penises on a lot of things but Admiral... if you were caught in an ion storm, who would you want at the helm?

Ed has a new First Officer. It's Kelly Grayson. His ex-wife. The ex-wife he caught screwing a blue alien in their marital bed. Yeah. It's THAT kind of awkward.

Isaac

The Captain does not appear to be pleased at the arrival of his First Officer. Why is this?

Gordon Malloy

'Cos she's a total b**ch.

Alara Kitan

Do you know her?

Gordon Malloy

Oh yeah. They were married.

Alara Kitan

No way.

Gordon Malloy

She cheated on him.

John LaMarr

Oh, damn. That's cold.

Gordon Malloy

Yeah so... this should be a really fun trip for all of us.

Isaac

Your description of the occurrence indicates unpleasantness... yet you believe it will be... "fun."

Gordon Malloy

I was being sarcastic. It's gonna suck.

Isaac

Suck?

Gordon Malloy

Yeah, suck. You know... like ass... balls.

Alara Kitan

What he means is if you don't already drink you should probably start.

Bortus

Perhaps we should not be talking about this?

John LaMarr

Oh, no no no. We're... we're talking about this.

Bortus

It does not seem appropriate.

John LaMarr

Oh no... we're DEFINITELY talking about it. This is a thing.

And it's taken exactly MINUTES for the arguments to start. I wonder who regrets this posting more... her for requesting it or him for not opposing it...

Kelly Grayson

There were entire days I wouldn't see you.

Ed Mercer

Yeah, I was working for us, Kelly. For you and I. You know this.

Kelly Grayson

I didn't ask you to do that. Okay? You just shut off from our relationship. I didn't know how to handle it.

Ed Mercer

So you banged Papa Smurf in our bed. That's one way to handle it.

Kelly Grayson

Darulio was there when you weren't.

There is still a little tension when the crew of The Orville land on Epsilon 2 in response to their distress call. Ed is doing the introductions.

Doctor Aronov

Captain Mercer, welcome to Epsilon 2. Thank you for coming.

Ed Mercer

Doctor Aronov, this is my Security Chief Alara Kitan, my Chief Medical Officer Claire Finn and my ex-wife Kelly Grayson.

Kelly Grayson

I'm his First Officer.

Ed Mercer

But if any of your research team needs an artless, jabby-nailed shoulder massage, she's the best there is.

Sometimes technology seems to have no purpose. Sometimes scientists should ask themselves not if they CAN but rather if they SHOULD. This is one such time.

[Epsilon 2's Science Officer switches on a machine and a banana is turned instantly to black goo]

Ed Mercer

So... it's an anti-banana ray?

Kelly Grayson

It's really interesting.

Ed Mercer

We need no longer fear the banana.

Kelly Grayson

Does it work on all fruit?

Ed Mercer

What about salads?

Doctor Aronov

Do you understand what happened to this banana? It's rotten because a month has passed.

Ed Mercer

Since we got here? Yeah, that's what it feels like!

Kelly and Ed can't seem to put their romantic past behind them and concentrate solely on the job in hand. Any time they're alone, they end up discussing what went wrong between them.

Kelly Grayson

Your mother hates me.

Ed Mercer

She does not hate you.

Kelly Grayson

Oh... yes she does.

Ed Mercer

She does not. She... she hated you a little bit after the... the thing.

Kelly Grayson

You can tell me, you know... I mean... we never talked about it. What'd she say about me?

Ed Mercer

It's nothing too terrible.

Kelly Grayson

You can tell me. Just be honest.

Ed Mercer

It wasn't that bad. Really.

Kelly Grayson

Be honest.

Ed Mercer

She once called you a "b**ch" forty-six times in one sitting.

Kelly Grayson

Wow.

Ed Mercer

Yeah... the people at the next table complained but look... Kel... it doesn't matter.

Bortus is Moclan and Moclans are a single-gender species. Every Moclan is male. So when he and his partner have a baby and it's a little girl, Bortus wants his baby to undergo transgender surgery.

Ed Mercer

Why not... just... let the kid decide for herself when she's old enough?

Bortus

Captain... in human biology is there not an occasional mutation called a cleft palate?

Ed Mercer

Yeah, sure.

Bortus

What happens to a child born with this condition?

Ed Mercer

It's usually corrected right after birth. Takes about twelve seconds.

Bortus

And why do you not wait and let the child decide for himself whether he wishes to correct this condition?

Ed Mercer

[Laughs]

My God... you're kidding, right? Bortus - that is completely different. Being a girl is not a condition. There are no health risks. Having a vagina doesn't give you a... a lisp. I mean depending on how you use it.

Bortus and Klyden are about to clash as to the right course of action to take for their baby. And Bortus doesn't want the clash witnessed.

Bortus

Klyden. We must speak.

Klyden

About what?

Bortus

I have had cause to reconsider...

[He approaches another crew member]

... we require privacy. LEAVE! NOW!

Crew Member

Wow! Nice day to you, too... D*CK!

It has become necessary to involve their home planet in deciding the fate of their baby girl. Captain Vorak has arrived onboard the USS Orville to try to resolve matters. He's failed.

Captain Vorak

The child will be taken to Moclus where she will undergo the corrective procedure.

Kelly Grayson

Don't start passing out penises just yet, Captain Vorak. The parents are in disagreement about what's best for the child.

Captain Vorak

In such an instance, the Moclan state is ethically-bound to side with the parent in favour of correcting the condition.

Kelly Grayson

Condition? So to you people, being a woman's like having chronic diarrohea?

Ed Mercer

Look, Kel... I think we should focus...

Kelly Grayson

Hey, Doc... I'm not feelin' well. I've had the tits all day.

Sure enough, the crew of The Orville are making their way to Moclus for the tribunal which will decide the fate of the baby when they are nearly blown clean out of the sky by a clumsily placed munitions test.

Kelly Grayson

Commander Grayson to Moclan Air Control. What the hell are you bastards trying to do?

Air Control

Our deepest apologies, Commander. That testing zone was added this morning. We neglected to include it in your flight-plan.

Ed Mercer

That's great. Thanks for thinking of us.

Gordon Malloy

I'm gonna need a pair of pants brought to the landing site.

Air Control

We will have pants waiting for you.

Kelly Grayson

He's kidding.

Gordon Malloy

No, I'm not!

Ed has brought the only other Moclan female to the tribunal to give evidence in support of the baby remaining female. This doesn't go down well with Advocate Kagus. Not well at all.

Advocate Kagus

What... IS this?

Heveena

My name is Heveena. I wish to enter testimony.

Advocate Kagus

Absolutely NOT! Arbitrator, this... this FREAK is an offence to the tribunal.

Ed Mercer

Dude - you have been a colossal d*ck all friggin' day. Shut the hell up!

The crew have stumbled upon a gigantic ship which contains an entire ecosystem in the form of a simulated planet. They're meeting "the locals."

Tomilin

Mom?

Mother

Get back in your room, Tomilin. NOW!

Tomilin

Who are they?

Mother

I said NOW.

Ed Mercer

Tomilin? Is it? We don't mean your family any harm.

Claire Finn

Well, we did just shoot his Dad.

Ed Mercer

Aside from shooting your Dad, we don't mean your family any harm. He's only stunned.

Ed, Claire and Isaac have been invited to dine and discuss the colony's predicament with members of the local resistance. Which on one hand is great. On the other hand, not so great.

Ed Mercer

This Dorahl...

[He takes a mouthful of the food]

... for example. How do the stories say -

[It is quite obvious that the food is terrible and that he's fighting his gag reflex]

Tomilin

Is something wrong?

Kemka

Is... is the food not to your liking?

Ed Mercer

[Speaking with a mouth still full with the offensive meal]

No. It's good. It's actually very good. Um... do you have a napkin?

[DOCTOR FINN hands him a napkin and he empties his mouth into it]

That's excellent. Thank you. Where's your garbage?

LaMarr has been given the task of attacking a Krill Destroyer and he's achieved this in spectacular fashion. Which leads to this slightly unorthodox celebration on the Bridge.

John LaMarr

BOOM, B**CH! DAT'S WHAT I'M TALKIN' ABOUT RIGHT THERE... WENT BOOM!

Bortus

LIEUTENANT!

John LaMarr

Sorry.

Bortus

Well done, Lieutenant.

John LaMarr

[Very quietly]

Boom!

Grayson has been captured and is being tortured by Hamelac and his goons for information. He knows she wasn't alone. He wants to know where her friends are.

Hamelac

Where are your friends?

Kelly Grayson

Well... last time I saw them... one of 'em was bangin' your Mom and the other one was high-fiving him.

Ed Mercer is planning a daring rescue. He, Gordon and John all agree on the attractiveness of this particular damsel in distress. They can't decide, however, on who should lead the rescue effort.

Isaac

The rescue would need to be completed before the comet gets too close to the star or the shuttle will be unable to escape its gravity.

Gordon Malloy

Captain, I respectfully submit that the attractiveness of the ship's occupant makes the rescue imperative.

John LaMarr

I can do it.

Isaac

The stars gravity will cause the comet to break apart in seven minutes twenty-three seconds.

John LaMarr

You can do it!

Captain Mercer is hosting a c*cktail party in his quarters to welcome Pria Lavesque to the USS Orville. She has some interesting tales to tell.

Pria Lavesque

Last year I was trying to secure mining rights on a planet where it's customary at the start of any busines negotiation for all parties to show their genitals.

John Lamarr

What's the point of that?

Pria Lavesque

It's a show of good faith. A promise that all negotiators will be forthright and free from deception.

Gordon Malloy

Well, if you're a miner I guess that's what you call "finding a vein!"

[We've added a howling wind sound effect to show just how well MALLOY'S joke went down. All that's missing is the rhythmic chime of a church bell.]

Kelly doesn't like Pria. It's mainly professional. A little personal. Perhaps a little jealousy. Yeah. Mostly jealousy but disguised as professional concern.

Ed Mercer

We rescued this woman. What... what do you think she crashed her own ship just so she could come here and do free laundry? And by the way... by the way... yes, you know what? I find her attractive. So what?

Kelly Grayson

My concern is completely unemotional. Trust me. You can bang that chick on your kitchen sink for all I care.

Ed Mercer

I don't ever do it near the food... you know that.

Ed Mercer definitely wants to find a way into Pria Lavesque's panties. And what better way than to woo her with a picturesque simulation of Unuk 4?

Pria Lavesque

It's breathtaking. What's the name of the planet, again?

Ed Mercer

Unuk 4. Our Environmental Simulator doesn't really do it justice but you get the idea.

Pria Lavesque

Have you ever been there?

Ed Mercer

No. It's off-limits because the people there are nightmarish. They capture outsiders and then sacrifice them to a raccoon God by methodically dismembering them.

Pria Lavesque

Wow.

Ed Mercer

Yeah.

Isaac has been the victim of a practical joke and it's his turn to play a trick on Malloy. Isaac's idea of a practical joke is somewhat... extreme to say the least.

Gordon Malloy

ISAAC!

[We see that MALLOY is missing his left leg]

Ed Mercer

What the hell?!

Alara Kitan

What happened to your leg?

Gordon Malloy

HE... amputated it... while I was SLEEPING!

Isaac

Ha ha! Got you!

Gordon Malloy

WHAT?!

Isaac

I have retaliated. That is my practical joke.

Gordon Malloy

This isn't a joke, you psychopath... you DISMEMBERED ME!

Isaac

I am... confused. You said to be creative. And you said to do it when you least expected it. I have adhered to both directives.

Kelly Grayson

Isaac... did you anaesthetise him in his sleep?

Isaac

Of course, Commander. It would not do to have him awaken during the procedure.

Gordon Malloy

Well where the hell IS IT?

Isaac

If you are referring to your leg... I have hidden it. Given its importance to you, it seemed the most humorous course of action.

Gordon Malloy

Son of a b**ch!

[The crew have to restrain MALLOY as he attempts to attack ISAAC]

The crew of ECV-197 are engaged in a vicious battle with a Krill Destroyer. They're taking fire left, right and centre when one of the consoles suddenly bursts into flames.

Kelly Grayson

Somebody put that out.

[ALARA KITAN runs with an extinguisher towards the burning console]

Ed Mercer

What happened to automatic fire suppression?

Alara Kitan

That's the panel that caught fire!

Ed and Gordon have gone undercover onto a Krill vessel to try to gather much-needed intelligence. They look like Krill soldiers but they sound like absolute d*cks.

Ed Mercer

I'm Chris and this is Devon. We were on the Kakov.

Teleya

My brother was on the Kakov.

Ed Mercer

I'm... I'm very sorry.

Teleya

He's now at peace and the arms of Avis.

Gordon Malloy

Shall we tell her their God is a twentieth century car rental company?

Ed Mercer

Quiet!

John LaMarr is joining Kelly Grayson, Claire Finn and Talla Keyali as a landing party to an Earth-like planet. Which means adopting suitable disguises. Including jeans which cut his scrotum in half.

John LaMarr

This is ridiculous, man. How the hell is anybody supposed to walk around in these things?

Kelly Grayson

I don't know, John, I think you look good in skinny jeans.

John LaMarr

If I wanted to scratch my balls right now, I would have to reach in my back pocket.

Seeing his crew members in disguise comes as quite the shock to Captain Ed Mercer. Not really sure what he was expecting to see, but it sure as sh*t wasn't this!

Ed Mercer

My God, you guys look like unemployed backup dancers.

Kelly Grayson

You want to lead this landing party?

Ed Mercer

No, I'm too shy to wear a crop top.

John still isn't comfortable in his skinny jeans. Not comfortable at all. Just sitting down is endangering his genitalia. Right now, he's at risk of it disappearing up his own ass.

Kelly Grayson

Why are you sitting like that?

John LaMarr

It's these friggin' jeans. If I leaned back right now, I'd give myself a vasectomy.

So, his jeans are so tight they've give him a "ball vagina" but that doesn't seem to have prevented John LaMarr from acting in a sexually inappropriate way with a statue, does it?

Kelly Grayson

Grayson to Orville.

Ed Mercer

Mercer here, go ahead.

Kelly Grayson

Captain, there's something going on down here. Some kind of social hysteria surrounding Lieutenant Lamarr.

Ed Mercer

Kelly, what's happening?

Kelly Grayson

John dry-humped a statue.

Ed Mercer

What?

John LaMarr has stirred up a real sh*t-storm by gyrating against a statue of Mella Giffenden, a hero in the eyes of the population of Sargas Four. Even the Admiral of the Fleet is now involved.

Admiral Tucker

Exactly what did your navigator do down there?

Ed Mercer

I'm told he... dry-humped a statue.

Admiral Tucker

My God. What kind of ship are you running out there, Captain?

Ed Mercer

Look, Admiral, he's an impulsive guy, yes, but he's fantastic at his job.

Admiral Tucker

Part of his job is to maintain a low profile when observing lesser-developed alien cultures.

Ed Mercer

I... I know that, and I promise it will not happen again. I will personally order him... not to hump things.

I love the popular media references in The Orville. I mean, shows like American Idol, The X-Factor... yeah. I mean, these are dark times, aren't they?

Gordon Malloy

Government by American Idol.

Bortus

What's American Idol?

John Malloy

That was a form of entertainment from old Earth. People competed to see who had the best singing voice.

Bortus

Why?

John Malloy

I don't know. It was a dark time.

Lysella has been brought on board The Orville to formulate a plan to prevent LaMarr being electrically lobotomised. She's amazed by the technology. But seems to have forgotten where she is!

Isaac

Flooding "The Feed" with twenty-million entries.

Lysella

How can you do that?

John Lamarr

Babe. Spaceship.

Having narrowly escaped with his life and sensibilities intact, LaMarr has some choice words for those who, until mere seconds ago, were keeping him hostage on an electric chair.

John LaMarr

Real quick, I just want to say, all y'all can suck ass, and I'm a spaceman.