11 MP3 Audio clips from Season 1 of Derek (2012)

PLAY ALL 25 CLIPS IN THE RANDOMISER™

Roger is a Councillor. It's his job to decide whether or not to provide council funding to Broad Hill for the following year. Hannah is doing the introductions.

Hannah

This is Theresa and Lesley and Mick.

Roger

Mmm-hmm.

Hannah

Mick's the one doing Community Service.

Roger

Yeah.

Hannah

Just doing a few days with us, aren't you, Mick?

Mick

That's right.

Roger

So what did you do to land yourself in here?

Mick

Threw something in my neighbour's skip.

Hannah

See? It's never anything that bad.

Roger

What, and he called the police? What did you throw in there?

Mick

His wife. Doing my fu*king head in.

The visit hasn't quite gone to plan. Because of the many things that Roger has seen, Kev's testicles are among the highlights.

Hannah

I... I was worried about, you know, little things like a cable across something or a wobbly chair or something like that. I didn't expect them to see Kev's bollocks. None of us did.

[Quick explanatory note for our American visitors, the word "bollocks" in the UK means testicles]

With the prospect of funds being withdrawn, Hannah has decided to try a preemptive petition to save Broad Hill from closure. And she needs help to get it signed.

Hannah

Go down Hampstead High Street. People love to get involved, don't they? Bored housewives.

Kev

How bored?

Hannah

What?

Kev

These housewives. How bored are they? They bored sexually? Are they choosy? They want a bit of twinage? A bit of piston-thrusting?

Dougie

Have you just totally forgot the reason why we're going down there?

Kev

No, I haven't, mate. But I just want a bit of pudding.

Derek

Pudding?

Kev

Yeah. Sex pudding.

Hannah

That's great.

Roger has personally attended Broad Hill to break the news that he's withdrawing council funding. Hannah is upset. Kev is very, very angry.

Hannah

I think we've covered everything, haven't we, Roger?

Dougie

Yeah, I think we have. I think everything's done now, isn't it, Roger? I think you've got everything, haven't you? Ticked enough boxes. I think you've managed to p*ss everybody off since you've been here, so you could shoot off now, couldn't ya? You got anything else to do whilst you're here? I'll just let you know for your form, that toaster, I've given it a go, it's fine, nothing wrong with it. I had a lovely bit of toast. No danger. No one's died -

Roger

Yeah, all right.

Dougie

- So you can shoot off now. Because you don't know anything. You don't know that she did 68 hours last week. She's not meant to. She's meant to be doing 40. She's done 68, and why is that? Because of people like you. Go. You've got nothing to do here. In fact, in fact, you've probably got more to do back at the office, haven't you, sorting out your expenses. Your little fish pie you have at business lunches, and all that. Get back and sort all that out. You know I've caught you out. You're walking away again, and I've caught you out, you knobhead.

Hannah

Dougie.

Dougie

Yeah, I know, I'm fired, yeah.

Hannah

No. Do you want a cup of tea?

[The residents give DOUGIE an impromptu and well-deserved round of applause]

Nothing, in my opinion, brings a meeting to an end quite so suddenly, quickly and definitively as someone sh*tting their pants at the table.

Derek

Music, Robbie Williams -

Hannah

Yep.

Derek

- JLS, Susan Boyle, Stacey Solomon. That reminds me, sausage rolls, vol-au-vents, chicken kievs, mini quiches...

Hannah

Hang on a minute, Derek, slow down a minute. Sausage rolls...

[KEV farts and obviously, noisily, soils his pants]

Kev

Just shat meself. Meeting's over.

Dougie

You're disgusting.

Kev

Let me have the keys back.

Dougie

Fu*king dis...

Kev

Let me have the keys to the flat. Change the old trousers.

Dougie has taken some of the residents to the local library. Kev has hitched a ride for one reason and one reason only. Nudity. Not in the library, of course. No. In the magazines.

Dougie

If there's a book in here with nudity in it, he finds it.

[KEV holds up magazine]

Kev

Amateur photography. I can guarantee she'll be in black and white with her kit off by page 10.

[He flicks through the pages for a second or two]

Tits. Bingo!

[He takes the magazine to the LIBRARIAN]

Kev

Hello, love, can I get that out, please?

Librarian

You can't take magazines out, I'm afraid.

Kev

Okay. Well, you got a toilet?

Librarian

Upstairs.

Kev

Smashing.

Dougie

No shame whatsoever, has he?

Rebecca Shaw is a nightmare. Just because she has a five bedroom house and a six figure salary, she thinks she can look down her nose at the rest of society. That is until she meets Vicky.

Hannah

Hello.

Vicky

Hi. Do you want any help?

Hannah

Oh, yes, always. This is Mrs. Shaw. She's a new resident coming in today, and this is Rebecca, her daughter. This is Vicky, she's a volunteer.

Rebecca

Oh, you don't get paid?

Vicky

No.

Rebecca

Heart's not really gonna be in it then, is it?

Vicky

No. The sh*t either comes off the bog or it don't, to be honest.

Hannah

Actually, I find volunteers to be just as hard working as paid staff.

Rebecca

Yeah, you wouldn't get me with my hands down a toilet for nothing. Bit of a mug's game that.

Vicky

You'll have your head down one if you call me a mug again.

Hannah

Right, shall we get you started, Vicky.

Now that the dust has settled, Hannah gives a short piece to camera describing her unexpected meeting with the "delightful" Rebecca Shaw.

Hannah

She'll get over it, back at her five bedroom house. She ain't got room for her mum, though. Five bedrooms. I've got 23 bedrooms, and I've got a six figure salary, if you count the two after the decimal point. Still, I suppose it was nice to see her after all these years. She hasn't changed a bit. She always was a c*nt.

A meeting of the Entertainment Committee to discuss the forthcoming Gala Night. Kev has an idea. He wants to put on a play. Based on a movie script that he pretends he wrote back in the 1990s.

Dougie

You've written all that?

Kev

Yeah.

Dougie

Have you?

Kev

Yeah.

Dougie

Hang on a minute, you haven't written anything, have you? I thought it was a full pad, you've done like four or five pages.

Kev

Have you written a film script, mate?

Dougie

You haven't. Like I say, there's four or five pages here. It's hardly a script, is it?

Kev

It's hard work, mate. Bullet points, improvisation.

Dougie

Is that one of the bullet points? Hang on. Is that one of the bullet points, is it? What's that there, little knob with wings? Is that a bullet point?

Kev

A d*cky-bird.

Dougie

When does that crop up in the Simon Le Bon life story?

Kev

I don't know.

Dougie

What else have you done here? Get off. Let's have a look, you got it out. I'm allowed to have a look at it. If you want to put it on, Kev, you gotta have your critics. Ooh, there's a good one. What is going on there?

Kev

It's my cousin.

Derek

What's he doing?

Kev

Sucking his own knob, I documented it.

Dougie

What is going on in your head?

Kev

What is going on in his head?

Deon is the latest in a long line of Community Service volunteers to grace the halls of Broad Hill. And he's grown unexpectedly attached to its residents. As his impromptu rap shows.

♪

Deon

All right, this is going out to all of you, yeah?

Arthur, my O.G., yeah. Salo, stay awake for this one, yeah?

All right, this is how it is gonna go. Check this out.

Yo, my first thoughts when I stepped through those doors was "Great, I always wanted to work next to a corpse"

Like if you ever said "Go hang with some old gran", I'd say, "No, Fam, I don't even like my own nan"

I just figured these lot have piddled in their seats, that they all love Richard Keys and they're riddled with disease.

So quiet that they sound dead I mean how much care is taken by that caretaker with the round head.

Like if you choked on a letter from your Scrabble set, he might save you if he's like, "Wait, is that an X?"

That's why I give a bit of credit to the little fellow Derek because he showed me oldies gotta lot of merit.

And that they ain't all heirlooms and bare gloom and trouser smells that linger in your spare room.

Doing my time in this place I thought I'd hate it, but now I'm here, you know what? Still hate it.

But I made it and, hey, with the greatest respect to the aged, I came from a place with no thoughts of ageing.

Where life is a game with a makeshift playlist that plays all the same sh*t so what I'm saying is...

It's an eye opener meeting you, even the one who is a bit of a thigh stroker.

So now I hope to take a long look at myself but bruv, this ain't like Oprah I ain't gonna start jumping on my sofa.

I'm just saying I might look my life over. Now, I normally bump fists but let's shake hands. I ain't a changed man I just wanna say thanks.

It was nice to meet you all, yeah.

[The audience erupts into spirited applause]

Thank you.

When Dougie is asked an existential question by the producer, he provides a remarkably honest answer. No philosophical bullsh*t here. Just pure honesty.

Dougie

And, in fact, I know why I'm here. Yeah, I'll give you a proper answer to that question. I'll tell you why I'm here. 'Cause when I was a little sperm, I won the race to the egg. That's why I'm here, that's how it works, that's what life's about. It's how it works. As a little sperm, I won the race to the egg. You know, that was the last thing I won, as well. Imagine that. Highlight of my whole existence was being a blob of spunk.