6 MP3 Audio clips from Van Wilder: Party Liaison (2002)

PLAY ALL 6 CLIPS

Clip 1

Taj has called in to see Van Wilder. He wants to be his assistant. But more than that, he wants to learn about the sacred and mysterious vagina. Because he can't go back to India a virgin.

Taj

I'm an exchange student from Banglapur, India.

Van Wilder

Welcome! What can we do for ya?

Taj

My exchange program culminates at the end of this school year at which time I must return to my home country where I do not have many friends. I would like very much to spend my remaining days here serving as your assistant.

Van Wilder

Okay. We're just gonna do a little word association. Say the first thing that comes to your mind. Milk.

Taj

Tit! Oh, Mommy. Most Indians would say "cow" because they are sacred but I hear "milk", I think giant jugs. You see, I cannot go home a virgin. I came here to study the great American art of muff diving. To smack clam, munch rug, dine at just one American pink taco stand. You know, I wanted to... how is it... park the porpoise. I want to take it through the car wash, baby. And get it waxed. I want to wax it. Wax it! You know, and air dry. Air dry that sh*t, yeah. And I would like to be your assistant very much... Mr. Van Wilder.

Clip 2

Van Wilder needs help. He's without funds and doesn't want to leave Coolidge College. Perhaps Doris Haver can help. And perhaps a little light seduction might encourage her...

Doris Haver

Mr. Wilder, are you trying to seduce me?

Van Wilder

Who, me? No!

[He begins to laugh but soon stops when DORIS HAVER suddenly appears at his side]

You know, maybe this isn't such a good idea.

Doris Haver

Being bad seldom is.

[She swigs from a bottle of bourbon]

Oh, yeah. That's the sh*t.

Van Wilder

Guess what. I'm feeling a little cold sore coming on. Maybe we shouldn't do this for three to six weeks.

Doris Haver

Shut up, b**ch, and give me some sugar.

Clip 3

All aboard the Innuendo Bus! When Gwen says "piece" she means an article. When Van Wilder says "piece" he means her vagina. Just so we're clear.

Gwen

I'm doing a human interest piece on you.

Van Wilder

I'm flattered. I'd love for your piece to be on me.

Clip 4

I've never noticed (because I've never owned either) how much a bong can resemble a penis enlargement pump. And neither, obviously, has Hutch. He put his mouth on that!

Taj

Where did you find that?

Hutch

In your room a few days ago. I'm trying to spark this bong, but this damn thing won't light.

Taj

That's no bong! It's for my schlong!

Hutch

Hold on. You mean I put my mouth on your c*ck pump? Oh, damn!

Clip 5

It's no coincidence that the name Richard is often abbreviated to Dick. Because Richard is one. A total and utter d*ck.

Richard

I'm here to enlist your services.

Van Wilder

Let me guess. "Come as your favourite drunk-on-jizz, cum-gargling frat-boy party"?

Richard

Then your mom can come!

[Laughs]

Clip 6

There are some things you probably shouldn't say aloud. Especially not when it's concerning the daughter of the man stood right in front of you. Especially then.

McDoogle

Well, I made it a point to personally come down here, Wilder. I wanted to give you the results of your test firsthand. And just as I expected... you succeeded. Ninety-one percent.

Van Wilder

What?

McDoogle

I'm proud of you, Wilder. I've been waiting all these years for you to realise your potential.

Van Wilder

That's why you and I had friction? I thought it was 'cause I fooled around with your daughter freshman year.

McDoogle

Why? What... you fooled around with my daughter?

Van Wilder

What?!