13 MP3 Audio clips from The Wrong Missy (2020)

PLAY ALL 13 CLIPS

Clip 1

This is a first date. A first date. I want you to remember that when things take a somewhat sinister turn. Me? I'd have been out of there like a scalded cat.

Missy

I'm just kidding. Don't worry. I'm a... I'm a certified substance abuse counselor so I know... I know how to handle an alcoholic.

Tim

I'm... I'm not an alcoholic.

Missy

What, just a couple DUI's?

Tim

No!

Missy

"I'm not an alcoholic, sir, I swear."

Tim

Never.

Missy

You a lightweight?

Tim

No.

Missy

Did you p*ss on your friend's couch?

Tim

No.

Missy

Make out at truck stops?

[She mimes giving oral sex to a man]

Tim

No!

Clip 2

You remember that this is their first date, right? Which begs the question, what is he still doing there? Come on, Tim. You need to run. Now!

Missy

I hope I'm not freaking you out on our first date. I -

Tim

Well, I have to tell you, I probably have never been -

Missy

STOP EYE-FU*KING ME!

Tim

I'm not. I'm just talking to you.

Missy

I'M WITH SOMEONE! WE'RE TRYING TO HAVE A ROMANTIC DINNER DATE HERE!

[TIM realises that MISSY is, in fact, shouting not at him but at "TATTED MEATHEAD GARY" (played by Joe Anoa'i) a frankly massive guy at the bar with whom he's already had a run-in]

Gary

What do you think we're trying to have, huh? Until you a**holes interrupted us!

Missy

HEY, MY BOYFRIEND'S GONNA KICK YOUR FU*KING ASS!

Tim

No, he's not. No he's not. I'm going to the restroom real quick. I'll be back.

Missy

Okay. RIGHT AFTER HE GETS BACK, HE'S KICKING YOUR ASS!

Clip 3

Tim has finally seen sense and he's tried to escape through the bathroom window. That was until Missy showed up under the cubicle door in a clearly psychotic d*ck move.

Tim

Any way you could give me a couple minutes in here?

Missy

Oh, you do have to go to the bathroom now?

Tim

Yeah.

Missy

Yeah. I get it. When I'm dropping a deuce, I don't want anyone talking to me, so... have a good sh*t, my man.

Tim

Thank you.

Missy

Maybe I'll take a sh*t, too. Mmm, don't have to. Eh, you never know. I'll push. See you in a bit.

Clip 4

After the disastrous date with Missy, Tim happens upon another girl called Melissa. This one is scorching hot, intelligent and uncannily like him in so many ways. He's showing Nate her picture.

Jess

You girls gossiping about The Barracuda again?

Nate

Uh, no, but we will when you leave, 'cause you're a psycho.

Jess

Yeah. Well, when I get promoted to president, I may just have to tighten the belt on our online porn policy.

Nate

It's not porn. That's Tim's girlfriend.

Jess

Timmy's got a girlfriend?

[She shoves TIM bodily out of the way to see the monitor]

Tim

Excuse me!

Jess

Miss Maryland? You got to be kidding me.

Nate

I'm not. She graduated top of her class, not on top of her professor, like you.

Clip 5

It is shortly before this moment that Tim realises that he's invited the wrong Melissa on the company trip. And here they are. In First Class.

Stewardess

Can I get you something to drink?

Missy

Ooh, yeah. I'll have a tequila.

Tim

Make it two.

Missy

Mmm, no. What? I'm sorry. He's an alcoholic. I'm not gonna let you fall off the wagon on my watch, mister.

[MISSY rummages in her purse and pulls out a pot of tablets]

Tim

What are you taking?

Missy

You are taking it.

[She unexpectedly shoves one of the tablets into TIM'S mouth]

You have that.

Tim

I swallowed that!

Missy

Good.

Tim

What the fu*k is it?

Missy

It's a dog tranquilliser.

Tim

What?

Missy

Good night.

[The stewardess tries to hand one of the tequilas to TIM]

Missy

Ooh, ooh. No, no, no. No, no, no. Two for me. None for you. Okay.

[She charges her glass]

To the best weekend ever!

Clip 6

Missy has met Julia (Tim's ex-fiancée) and immediately realises that he still has feelings for her. But that's okay. There is an option...

Missy

Well, well, well, Mister Mystery. Any other deep, dark secrets that you wanna share?

Tim

That's so...

Missy

You know, it's fine. You're lucky I'm not the jealous type. In fact, if you want to fu*k-face me, I'm totally cool with it.

Tim

Fu*k-face you?

Missy

Yeah, you know, if you want to imagine her face on my face when we fu*k, I'm more than comfortable with that.

Tim

Well, I'm definitely not comfortable with any part of that.

Missy

Okay.

Clip 7

Nate has been expecting Miss Maryland to show up on Tim's arm. Instead, he has a bunny-boiler with a home-cut fringe. It's time to come clean about the whole thing.

Tim

You remember that crazy blind date I had a while ago? This whole time I thought I was texting my dream girl, I'm texting that girl.

Nate

Dude, that happened to me. I accidentally sent my uncle a d*ck pic. He saw it and had a stroke. It was awful. It was like a nightmare for our family.

Tim

I don't give a fu*k about your uncle at all. This is real. What do I do?

Clip 8

And now it's time to come clean to Missy, too. She needs to know that Tim has been bragging about his date to anyone who would listen. Just not this date!

Tim

I may have gone a little bit overboard in bragging about you, saying you were a two-sport collegiate athlete, and you may or may not have won a beauty contest in the past.

Missy

Oh, my God. You're obsessed with me. Oh, my God. Okay. Um, we're either gonna end up married, or I'm gonna end up naked and dead in a ravine somewhere.

Tim

I... I don't see that happening.

Missy

Which one? I'm down for either.

Clip 9

Missy has propagated the rumour that she's a collegiate athlete and has just dived off a cliff, hitting the rocks and trees on the way down.

Jess

Don't think I've ever seen anyone dive in the ocean... and miss.

Nate

She's alive! Damn it!

Missy

Don't fu*k with the Hellstar! Please tell me someone got that on video -

[A massive wave swallows her]

Clip 10

Having taken a dog tranquilliser, Tim has awakened from a good night's sleep to find Jess riding him like Seabiscuit. Only it's not Jess. No. It's Missy.

Jess

You're my man. You're the only man for me.

Tim

Uh. I miss you so much. I want you so bad.

Jess

You dirty little dog, you bury that bone.

Tim

Huh?

Jess

Oh, you bury it. Yeah, you bury it!

[We now see that the woman with whom TIM is having rough sex is not, in fact, JESS but rather MISSY. She slaps him hard across the face]

Tim

Ow!

Missy

You bury it!

Tim

Aah!

Missy

YOU BURY IT!

Tim

Oh! Missy? What are we doing?!

Missy

Um, having sex? You kept jamming your little morning wood into my back and saying, "Oh, I want you so bad." Oh, you're fu*k-facing me, aren't you? Cool!

Tim

No, no, I'm not! No.

Missy

Yes, you are! Yeah, it's okay. I'm doing it to you, too, Simon Cowell. Now close your eyes and tell me I suck at singing!

Tim

You're going to Hollywood!

Clip 11

I have a question. What kind of ungodly noises does Tim make during sex? I mean, I thought foxes made terrible noises during sex but this... THIS...

Missy

Hey, you gotta meet our neighbour, Barbara. She and her husband heard us going at it last night. They almost called security. They thought there was a little girl being tortured in here. You're the little girl.

Tim

Yes, I understand.

Missy

Did you? Did you get that?

Tim

In that scenario, yes.

Missy

Mm-hmm.

Clip 12

Among Missy's many talents is hypnotism. She's hypnotised Jack Winstone to dry heave whenever he hears the name Jess Sheppard. Which is pretty amazing when you think about it.

Tim

That's amazing. But it better not be dangerous.

Missy

No, the second you want it to end, you just say the magic phrase, and he snaps out of it.

Tim

But what if someone accidentally says it first?

Missy

No one's gonna say it. It's "Hairy werewolf vagina with yellow teeth and a tongue."

Tim

Good God. That's what it is?

Missy

Yeah.

Clip 13

Jess has knocked on Tim's hotel room door to have a chat. Tim isn't in. He's popped out to get some supplies. Some supplies for an imminent "fu*kfest", apparently.

Missy

Hmm, oh! Hey, ex-lover.

Jess

I'm so sorry to bother you. I was just, um, actually hoping to have a quick word with Tim?

Missy

Uh-huh, yeah, he went to get some weed. We're about to have a real fu*k fest.

Jess

Oh, God.

Missy

Yeah. We thought it'd be more fun to be stoned while we eat each other.