3 MP3 Audio clips from Season 2 of Big Train (1998)

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It's Christmas. A time of love, peace and unity. A time for gifts. Gifts that are entirely inappropriate for people who have abnormally large hands.

Husband

Oh, look Jemima, it's a doll. Isn't it lovely?

Jemima

Yeah.

Wife

And Darling... this is for you.

Jemima

Can I open it, Dad? You know I love opening presents.

Husband

Go on then, Jemima.

[The little girl tears the paper from a lovingly wrapped gift]

Wife

Okay, give it to me, Jemima. Isn't it great?

[She shows her husband a small, hand-held electronic dictionary]

Husband

Oh!

Wife

It's got a tiny keyboard. And I mean really, really tiny.

[She hands the device to her husband and we see as the camera pulls back that he has abnormally large hands]

Go on, give it a go.

[He tries but his index finger is too large to operate individual buttons]

Happy Christmas, you fat-handed twat!

[His wife and children laugh at him]

This was fairly prophetic, right? Scientists battling an unstoppable, deadly virus? Trying to develop antibodies to battle the killer? Hmm. Sounds familiar.

Scientist

This... is far worse than any of us had feared. The boys in Sector G are already calling it the Doomsday Strain. If the antibodies under that microscope fail to replicate, the virus will be unstoppable. Stephen? Has it worked?

[He closes his eyes in readiness as STEPHEN peers down a microscope]

Stephen

No.

Scientist

May God have mercy on our souls. We have created a bastard chimera. And like the oedipal child -

Stephen

It has really!

[He and another scientist begin laughing raucously]

It's a black and white public information film like those seen in the UK in the 1950s and 1960s. But the subject of this one is slightly unusual.

Narrator

You know how it is. Everyone's having a good time. You're a young man with a good job and a bright future. Enjoying a nice time with your friends. But things aren't always what they seem. Sooner or later talk can turn away from football and the pop scene and move onto darker subjects. Subjects like buggery. You may have read about it in the newspapers. Sometimes it's called other names like Hot Love or Making a Ham Sandwich. Some people may even tell you that it's fun. Who knows? Maybe one of your friends thinks it might be fun to bugger you. Is Charlie's girlfriend really a girlfriend? Or is she another man? After all, you only met her that one time in Plymouth when the light in the discotheque was very poor. Oh yes. It's only a bit of fun!