6 MP3 Audio clips from Season 1 of Big Train (1998)

PLAY ALL 9 CLIPS IN THE RANDOMISER™

Amelia finds herself stranded in France when her car breaks down. She has to ask the locals for help but she doesn't speak French. And they, apparently, don't speak English. Or German.

Amelia

[Seeing SIMON pedalling towards her on a bike]

Excuse me? Excuse me? Sorry. Um... do you speak English?

Simon

No, I don't. Sorry.

Amelia

Oh, um... my car's broken down and I wondered if you could tell me where to find a garage.

Simon

You, well... you know, that's... that's wasted on me. I don't... I don't understand what you're saying.

Amelia

You don't speak any English at all?

Simon

Not a word. No. It's one of those things, really. I wish I'd paid more attention in school. But, um...

[He spots a fellow local walking past]

Excuse me, excuse me. Sorry. Do you... speak any English?

Kevin

English? No. What's the problem?

Simon

I don't know. I can't understand her.

Amelia

Hi, uh... my car's broken down and I need to find a garage.

Kevin

No. I'm sorry. I didn't understand that at all.

Amelia

All right, well... thanks. Uh -

Simon

Tell you what, if you go down that way about half a mile there's a village. Um, there might be somebody there that speaks English.

Amelia

Ich spreche bisschen Deutsch. Sprechen Sie Deutsch?

[I speak a little bit of German. Do you speak German?]

Simon

Deutsch? Nein. Sprichst du Deutsch?

[German? No. Do you speak German?]

Kevin

Deutsch? Nein. Nun, ein oder zwei Wörter, aber ich bin nicht fließend.

[German? No. Well, a word or two, but I'm not fluent.]

Simon

I'm sorry we couldn't, um... help.

Kevin

Yeah, sorry about that. Hey, you never know... next time you're over, maybe we'll have learned a bit of English for you.

Simon

Ja, oder Deutsch vielleicht.

[Yes, or maybe German.]

Kevin

Ja, das wäre toll.

[Yes that would be great!]

Amelia

Thanks anyway.

War. What is it good for? Absolutely nothing. Especially when you're a British Army Captain mustering your troops ahead of a bloody and impossible battle.

Captain

THIS is our moment of DESTINY! Amid those trees lies our enemy. Five hundred men... maybe more. It is important we keep clear heads. Now listen carefully for this is the most important thing I will ever tell you and I shall not say it again....

[Unintelligible, mumbled sentence]

CHARGE!

[He runs alone head-long across the battle field towards the wooded area and is cut down with musket fire, falling to the ground violently]

An office needs rules. Otherwise it's chaos. But there are some rules that shouldn't be necessary. Some practices that shouldn't be happening. And this is one of them.

Manager

Um, guys... sorry can I just say something for a moment?

[The office falls silent]

Um, I know this isn't going to make me very popular but, uh... we've got the supervisor coming tomorrow and I don't want to see any wa*king in the office. Sorry.

Simon

That's bullsh*t!

Manager

Yeah, and to be honest I think we're gonna have to cut it out altogether.

Simon

No way!

Manager

There are... there are plenty of good reasons for it.

Amelia

Well, well, what are they? What are they?

Manager

One of the reasons is... is... is the... is the stink and the mess in this office.

Simon

Oh, get used to it! Come on. It's only because you're here you can smell it. How well do we work... how well do we work when we can just wa*k at will?

Amelia

Everybody's got a way of making it work. There's a good system. It's working for us. You... you know, please don't stop it.

Simon

I became part of this team not because of the pay and not because of the pension but because frankly the wa*king.

An elderly school master takes one last nostalgic stroll through the derelict chapel and all around him are the voices of the boys he once taught. It would be lovely. Poignant. But this is Big Train.

Boy

Hello, Sir.

Hello, Sir.

How are you today, Sir?

Can I help you with your bags?

Three cheers for Sir. Hip, hip, hip!

I bet if King Arthur were alive now he'd fight the Germans, too.

What time's Rugger today, Sir?

May I play in the first team, Sir?

Big, fat c*cks!

How is Mrs. Carstairs?

I think this is the best school in the whole world.

Sir, why does the old clock not have a second hand?

May we have class outside?

I've been so happy here.

But they can't knock down the school. They can't!

Big, fat, smelly c*cks!

Must we learn Latin today?

Big c*cks!

May we have a prayer, Sir for the soldiers who didn't come back?

It's from my mother, Sir. My father is very ill.

Your ass stinks!

[The voices degenerate into increasingly rude and disrespectful insults]

Sir Douglas is at his desk, quill in hand when there's a knock on the door. He has a visitor. But not a very welcome one by all accounts.

[There are three loud knocks on the office door]

Sir Douglas

Come in.

Secretary

Sir Douglas... Miss Florence Nightingale to see you.

Sir Douglas

Oh, God! Very well. Send her in.

[FLORENCE NIGHTINGALE breezes in to the office]

Ah, Miss Nightingale. Sit down. How may I help you?

Florence Nightingale

Well, first of all you can get me a [BLEEP] drink. Hurry up, you fat [BEEP BEEP].

Sir Douglas

What seems to be the problem?

Florence Nightingale

The problem is that this hospital is run by a bunch of [BEEP].

Sir Douglas

Miss Nightingale, you come into my office at least twice a week, you use this strong language and yet I'm always left unclear as to the exact nature of your problem. Are you unhappy with the staff?

Florence Nightingale

The staff... are a crowd of [BEEP]. Sir Humphrey Lipton is a [BEEP BEEP]. Doctor Collins is a [BEEP] face [BEEP] bag and you are the biggest [BEEP BEEP] I've ever met in my entire [BEEP] life.

Sir Douglas

Sir Humphrey Lipton is the finest surgeon in London.

Florence Nightingale

No, he's not. He's a [BEEP].

Sir Douglas

You see, this is the problem. You express an obvious contempt for the man and yet I am left unclear as to exactly why you disapprove of him.

Florence Nightingale

Because... he's a [BEEP].

Sir Douglas

Miss Nightingale, you earned a certain reputation in the Crimea.

Florence Nightingale

Oh, yes. The lady with the [BEEP] lamp. Who gives a [BEEP]? That was ten years ago.

Sir Douglas

If you'll let me continue...

Florence Nightingale

Fat [BEEP BEEP].

Sir Douglas

You earned a certain reputation in the Crimea, you did sterling work with our casualties there you became something of a heroine and that is why I am delighted to have you here on our staff at St. Austin's which is one of the finest hospitals in London.

Florence Nightingale

No, it's not. It's a [BEEP BEEP] hole.

Sir Douglas

I have to say that your image in the press does not reflect your character in a realistic way.

Florence Nightingale

The press are a bunch of [BEEP] arse [BEEP BEEP].

Sir Douglas

You see, when you say things like that it portrays a certain lack of courtesy.

Florence Nightingale

I don't give a [BEEP] what you think you [BEEP] jerry-bag.

Sir Douglas

I mean, what is that? I don't even know what that is. I mean, what is that? A jerry-bag?

Florence Nightingale

It's what you put your [BEEP BEEP] into.

Sir Douglas

[Rings a hand bell on the desk to summon assistance]

I'm sorry, Miss Nightingale, I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to leave. I can see no future for you here at St. Austin's.

[The office door is opened and two male orderlies step in to the room]

Florence Nightingale

Don't you try and sack me, you [BEEP] scumbag [BEEP] -

[The orderlies take FLORENCE NIGHTINGALE in a two-sided ordinary police hold and start to physically escort her from the room]

Get off me, you [BEEP BEEP]. Get off, you [BEEP]. [BEEP].

[Her torrent of abuse continues as she is dragged bodily from the room and down the corridor]

Another announcement in the office. This time it's about the newly-appointed Office Manager. Let's hope it's not Tom Henderson. He's a wa*ker.

Manager

Um... everyone... can I have your attention please just for a moment? Thank you very much for your patience. Um, I think you know what this is about. The Office Manager. A decision has been reached and it is Tom Henderson.

[Discontented mutterings break out all over the office]

Simon

No way! I can't believe it. The guy is a wa*ker.

Manager

Okay, okay, I know he's not a popular decision um, but I'm afraid that the board felt that Tom Henderson -

[Discontented mutterings break out all over the office with Simon calling Tom Henderson a "wa*ker"]

Manager

Yep, yep, yep I hear you but, uh... it was a close call. It was between, uh... Mary Wilkinson and Tom Henderson.

[Discontented mutterings break out all over the office with Simon calling Tom Henderson a "wa*ker"]

Manager

And we decided fairly and squarely that Tom Henderson -

[Discontented mutterings break out all over the office with Simon calling Tom Henderson a "wa*ker"]

Manager

I personally would have preferred Tom Harberson -

[The commotion starts and then immediately falls quiet as they realise that Tom Henderson wasn't mentioned]

Manager

Uh, but after a lot of discussion, particularly with, uh, my senior colleagues, um... we did feel that Tom Henderson -

[Discontented mutterings break out all over the office with Simon calling Tom Henderson a "wa*ker"]