Family Guy | Season 20
© 1999 20th Century Fox Television
Family Guy is one of the longest running (and arguably the funniest) cartoon shows ever to come out of the USA. It follows the dysfunctional Griffin family; Peter, Lois, Meg, Chris, Stewie and their talking dog Brian as they survive life in a small Rhode Island town. Expect filth, cursing, sick jokes and twisted animation. All the things we really love, huh?!
UPDATED: | CLIPS: 662
WARNING: ADULT CONTENT!
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Clip 1 S20 E01: "Lasik Instinct" |
Lois has just dropped Stewie off at pre-school when she hits something in the road. Something... or someone. |
Lois |
Oh my God. Please be a dog. Please be a dog. |
Doug |
Ow. Ow. Ow. |
Lois |
Oh my God. It's a kid. |
Stewie |
It's Doug. Nice hit, b**ch! Oh and Elsa underwear. This day just keeps getting better! |
Clip 2 S20 E01: "Lasik Instinct" |
Lois has gone blind as a result of botched Lasik surgery. She's recovering in hospital and Peter has questions. |
Peter |
Doctor Hartman. What does this mean... you know... for me? |
Doctor Hartman |
Well, whatever your wife did for you, you'll now have to do for yourselves. And until she gets used to her new life, you'll need to take care of her. Feed her, bathe her, drive her places... |
Lois |
They're gone, aren't they? |
Doctor Hartman |
They left, yes. |
Clip 3 S20 E01: "Lasik Instinct" |
Lois has capitalised on her blindness and has formed I-C-U, a company providing beauty treatments and products. She takes to the stage at a launch junket. |
Lois |
Thank you all for coming today. I can't see you because I'm blind. But I-C-U. |
[The crowd cheer] |
Please be sure to try out our new colonic partnership with increasingly irrelevant rapper, Eminem. The Eminenema. It promises to clear out eight miles of mom's spaghetti. It goes in slim clear and comes out slim shady. Thank you, I'm blind! |
[The crowd cheer] |
Clip 4 S20 E01: "Lasik Instinct" |
Doug's father is a... well, he's a d*ck. Neglectful, uncaring, misogynistic, and generally detestable. Which is why Brian and Chris can't wait to sh*t in his shoes. |
Doug's Father |
Hey! I got your message about the miscarriage. So... Saturday night? |
Brian |
What a d*ck! You know what? I'm gonna go poop in his shoes. |
Doug |
You'd... do that for me? |
Brian |
Sure I will, buddy. |
Chris |
Hang on, Brian. I got one in the chamber. I'll join you. |
Doug |
Thanks, guys. |
Clip 5 S20 E03: "Must Love Dogs" |
When a new girlfriend asks if you know what's right around the corner... even if this is the truth, you don't say it. And anyway, what kind of a strip club is this place?! |
Carrie |
And you know what's right around the corner? |
Quagmire |
The strip club where they spit in your face? |
Carrie |
No! The dog park. |
Clip 6 S20 E03: "Must Love Dogs" |
Clue (or Cluedo in the UK) is one of my favourite board games. Genuinely. I'm a little hurt that Seth MacFarlane is mocking it like this. But hey, it's still funny. |
Peter |
Okay. The murderer was don't care, with a this game sucks in the I regret having children. |
V/O |
Clue. You got someone pregnant nine years ago so now you have to play this. |
Clip 7 S20 E04: "80's Guy" |
A seashell that looks a little like female genitalia. I'll let that sink in for a moment. You can picture it, right? But believe me when I say you don't want to put that thing anywhere near your face. |
Teacher |
Next up for Show 'N Tell... Stewie. |
Stewie |
Hello, everyone. This is a weird seashell that kind of looks like female genitalia that my Dad likes. |
[CUT TO: Griffin Living Room] |
Peter |
Lois, where's my she-shell? |
Lois |
Oh, Stewie took it to Show 'N Tell. |
Peter |
Well, I hope no-one puts it to their ear! |
Clip 8 S20 E04: "80's Guy" |
Stewie is such a little dirtbag. I mean, all kids crave attention but not all kids would consider this to be a viable way of getting it. |
Stewie |
Help me out, man. I need something to win back everyone's attention. Wait! I know. What if I flip my eyelids inside-out? Show everyone what a freak I am. Huh? I could carve this out. Right? This could be my thing. |
Brian |
I don't think so, Stewie. |
Stewie |
All right well what if I... just... like... do Doug's mom? |
Brian |
Uh... yeah... I mean... ya... yeah, I mean... that would... that would pretty much do it. |
Stewie |
Awesome! How do you dial a phone or have sex or stand up without using your hands? |
Clip 9 S20 E05: "Brief Encounter" |
It must be a slow news day in Quahog because this is literally all Tom Tucker has for his top story. |
Tom Tucker |
Good evening, I'm Tom Tucker. Our top story... doing laundry and drinking beer. Ahem, I'm sorry... doing laundry and drinking beer? Quahog welcomes Duds 'N Suds, a new laundromat that serves beer. So if you wanna drink and watch your kid's teacher wash his only pair of pants... get on down there. |
Clip 10 S20 E05: "Brief Encounter" |
Who says romance is dead? Well, let's be honest... it's dead and buried when it comes to Quagmire. What a douche! |
Quagmire |
Morning, beautiful. I had the Uber guy sleep outside so he's ready when you're ready. |
Clip 11 S20 E06: "Cootie & The Blowhard" |
What is it with Brussel Sprouts? I mean, I like them (lightly pan fried in garlic butter, they're delicious) but when you're boiling them... they smell like farts. |
Peter |
Man, something smells good in here. You cookin' Brussel Sprouts? |
Bonnie |
No. I just farted. |
Peter |
That checks out! |
Clip 12 S20 E06: "Cootie & The Blowhard" |
They are talking about food, right? Because you'd be forgiven for thinking they're talking about Peter's inability to get an erection. Not that they should be talking about that! |
Lois |
Peter... what's wrong? You don't have an appetite. |
Peter |
I'm gonna get one. Just give me a minute. |
Lois |
You've barely touched your dinner. |
Peter |
Lois, the more you talk about it the more it's gonna be a whole thing. Just let me focus here. Oh, this is better, Bonnie. |
Lois |
Did you just call me Bonnie? |
Peter |
No! Good God, no! |
Lois |
Well, what if I spiced it up for you, Peter? I think I saw a takeout mustard packet in the key drawer. |
Peter |
That's a waterbed for my army guy. |
Meg |
What if you spun the plate around, Dad? Tried it from behind? |
Peter |
Anyway, Lois I think it's a non-starter tonight. I'm just gonna go to the bathroom, look at pictures of barely legal Russian food on my iPad and then go to bed. |
Clip 13 S20 E06: "Cootie & The Blowhard" |
Masturbation. Onanism. Shaking hands with the governor of love. Chris is a teenager. It's more than a hobby for him. It's a career. He just needs to do it more often. Apparently. |
[GRIFFIN LIVING ROOM: The doorbell rings] |
Bonnie |
Yoohoo! Anyone home? |
Lois |
I'll get it. |
Peter |
No, I got it! |
Chris |
Oh, they sure do grow up fast, don't they? |
Lois |
Chris, have you masturbated today? |
Chris |
No, ma'am. |
Lois |
Well get up there! And don't come back until - |
Chris |
What's for dinner? |
Clip 14 S20 E07: "Peterschmidt Manor" |
A pitching machine. The perfect way to perfect your swing. Or turn your car into a silly tank. |
Lois |
What the hell? |
[She gets out of the car to find PETER tying a pitching machine to the roof rack] |
Peter, what the hell is that? |
Peter |
It's my new pitching machine, Lois. And look... it can turn our car into a silly tank. Watch me nail Cleveland. |
[PETER is hit in the balls with a baseball] |
Cleveland |
I got one too, b**ch! |
Clip 15 S20 E07: "Peterschmidt Manor" |
Ass, gas or grass. If you're a hitchhiker, you'll have heard that before. But not from your own father, surely? |
Lois |
Daddy, I'm coming with you. |
Carter |
Fine. Ass, gas or grass. No-one rides free. |
Lois |
I... guess gas? |
Carter |
That's what all the prudes say. |
Clip 16 S20 E08: "The Birthday Bootlegger" |
If you teach pre-school, there are some things you shouldn't say aloud. Inner voice would be better for this kind of thing. You know what I'm saying? |
Teacher |
Children, please continue independent play while I go see if I just sneezed my tampon out. |
Clip 17 S20 E08: "The Birthday Bootlegger" |
I wish I had said this to a teacher. I never had the guts. Stewie, however... he says what he likes and he likes what he says. |
Teacher |
Well, Stewie... you've completed your detention. What have you learned from this experience? |
Stewie |
That your mother's a whore? |
Clip 18 S20 E09: "The Fatman Always Rings Twice" |
Ah, euphemisms. Family Guy couldn't exist without them. |
Cardinal Saint Lewis |
Greetings, my son. Cardinal Saint Lewis. Likely bad guy. |
Mac |
Mac Bookpro. Sorry to bother you about a case, Padre. You wanna talk here or should I come inside your rectory? |
Cardinal Saint Lewis |
Okay, Groucho. Calm down. |
Clip 19 S20 E09: "The Fatman Always Rings Twice" |
Farting in a confessional. If you're Catholic, that's got to be a sin, right? |
Mac Bookpro |
Hello, Padre. Funny I'd find you hear in the church bathroom. |
Cardinal Saint Lewis |
This is the confessional. |
Mac Bookpro |
Well, then I have something to confess. |
Cardinal Saint Lewis |
[Sniffs the air] |
Oh! Mother of Mercy. How much mutton do you eat?! |
Clip 20 S20 E10: "Christmas Crime" |
I never heard this particular line from a Doctor Seuss book. Probably because it doesn't exist. And if it does, you need to burn that book before your child reads it. |
Brian |
[Crying] |
V/O |
And what happened then? Well, in prison they say, Brian's anus grew three sizes that day. |
Clip 21 S20 E12: "The Lois Quagmire" |
Oh, that Quagmire. I mean, how does he connect wearing a c*ck ring with what Lois is suggesting? Oh, right. Because he's Quagmire. Yep. Got it now. |
Lois |
Hey, Glen I have this class reunion coming up soon and I thought maybe it'd be fun if... I don't know... you know, maybe the two of us went together? |
Quagmire |
What about Peter? |
Lois |
Hey, here's a fun thought. What if you go and pretend to be my husband? |
Quagmire |
Well, I'm not used to wearing rings above the waist but... what the hell... I'll try anything once! |
Clip 22 S20 E12: "The Lois Quagmire" |
Peter was forbidden to order pizza. He did it anyway. And the delivery guy died on his toilet. So he and Meg are completing his deliveries with Meg wearing the dead guy like a suit. |
Meg |
Phew! That was close. I'm glad to be done delivering to places that are too risky to walk a dead body into. What's next? |
Peter |
The Cadaver Dog Training Facility. |
Meg |
[Shudders] |
Clip 23 S20 E12: "The Lois Quagmire" |
It's the comical shudder that Meg does when wearing a dead guy as a suit. Perfect for a message tone for someone you really don't like very much! |
Meg |
[Shudders] |
Clip 24 S20 E13: "Lawyer Guy" |
Let's try to forget that Stewie is a baby and Rupert is his teddy bear, shall we? Because unless you forget those two facts, this sound clip is really going to screw with your head. |
Stewie |
Rupert? RUPERT! NO! |
Brian |
How did he sink so fast? |
Stewie |
He might... have... have, er... a string of metal balls... uh, hidden within? |
Brian |
What? |
Stewie |
We've been together a long time, Brian. We have to do things to keep it fresh. |
Clip 25 S20 E15: "Hard Boiled Meg" |
Bill Belichick is the General Manager of the New England Patriots. And he has arguably the world's most boring delivery style. I mean, you could use him to cure insomnia. Permanently. |
Meg |
This is a bigger mistake than the Bill Belichick Christmas Album. |
Bill Belichick |
Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer, had some real explosive plays. And if we saw his own defence, we knew that it was going to give us the best ability to get the ball down the field and we understood our opponents might have some difficulty with that. |
Clip 26 S20 E16: "Prescription Heroine" |
Netflix. Watch a series and after a while, it'll ask whether you're still watching. I mean, WHY?! What else does it think I'm doing? But, in fairness, it's never asked me if I'm still alive. Yet. |
Lois |
Well, I have the whole day. I guess I can watch The Office for so long that Netflix has to ask if I'm still alive. |
Clip 27 S20 E17: "All About Alana" |
Food. I love it. Especially Mexican food. But I've never... arrived at the thought of food. And if that ever happens, you have my permission to shoot me. |
Alana |
Let me get started on dinner. I was thinking... tacos and nachos. |
Lois |
Well, it sounds good to me. What do you think, Peter? |
Peter |
I just arrived in my pants. |
Clip 28 S20 E17: "All About Alana" |
Scissoring. Pegging. If you're thinking these words refer solely to lesbian activities, then you'd be wrong. Or right. I'm not sure any more. Because this is Family Guy and all bets are off. |
Lois |
I'm glad you guys are all enjoying Alana so much. |
Meg |
Oh, she's the best. In fact, Alana and I stayed up all night scissoring. |
[CUT TO: Meg's Bedroom. MEG and ALANA are cutting snowflakes out of paper with scissors] |
Alana |
Wow, Meg, you're really good at this. |
Meg |
Yeah, I had an older babysitter who kind of showed me how. Hey! Maybe after this, we can get out the Cribbage board and work on our pegging? |
Mayor Wild West |
I'm Mayor Wild West and my neighbour's kid had to explain this to me. Guess this week is church on Sunday and Wednesday! |
Clip 29 S20 E18: "Girlfriend, Eh?" |
They're saying "caulk". Okay? CAULK. It's a decorator's filler. And no. That's not a euphemism. Oh, what's the point? You hear what you want to hear, okay? |
Jamie |
I'm Jamie, the handyman. I heard you had a hole that needed to be filled. |
Lois |
[Laughs] |
Oh, yes! Is that a big job? |
Jamie |
Nothing my caulk can't handle. |
Lois |
So you just... fill the hole with your caulk? |
Jamie |
Yes. It's very thick. And it stays hard forever. |
Clip 30 S20 E18: "Girlfriend, Eh?" |
Oh...my... God. A "Spank Bank?" Women have those, too? Who knew?! And Lois doesn't need much to make a deposit. God, that sounds wrong. I'm so sorry. |
Lois |
Look, your dad's away and it's time to load up my spank bank. All I need is one hug with a lower back brush and a sniff of the neck and I'm good for six years. |