26 MP3 Audio clips from Season 16 of Family Guy (1999)

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Imagine if Eddie Vedder (Pearl Jam) got himself into a jam and needed a lawyer. You imagining that? Good. Then hit PLAY and enjoy this classic cutaway.

TV Announcer

We now return to "Vedder calls Saul"

Eddie Vedder

Hey, Saul! Got into a little trouble and I'm gonna need a lawyer. Hey yeah!

Saul

Okay. So tell me exactly what happened.

Eddie Vedder

I was dri-ving, had a bit to drink and then I ran in-to a milk truck. Yeah heah!

Saul

Were you on drugs?

Eddie Vedder

E and blow-ho!

Peter has become obsessed with the luxury of ladies' rooms. Don't ask why. This is Family Guy where anything is possible.

Peter

Ahh! The ladies' room at Wimbledon. This must be the fanciest bathroom in the world. Uh-oh, it looks like these are in use.

[We see that the two stalls are occupied and the women inside begin a "rally" of fecally-motivated grunts]

Deuce!

Peter is incapacitated. Literally. Which leaves Stewie in charge of his cellphone. What can possibly go wrong?

Stewie

Oh... Lois just texted. "Burgers or meatballs for dinner?" I'll text back for you. "Same thing, b**ch! Just different shapes."

[The phone goes mad with incoming text messages]

Oh! This is going to be fun!

Peter has a new friend. A bromance is forming. And he doesn't have time for his old friends any more.

Lois

Peter, why did you just lie to the guys?

Peter

Because I've got plans with Striker. I don't want them to embarrass me.

Stewie

Meh. I get where he's coming from. That's why I never introduce you to my friends.

Brian

What friends?

Stewie

Like... the guys in my photography club.

[Cutaway to STEWIE alone in his bedroom, typing on a laptop]

Dear Gary Glitter, Geoffrey Jones and Jared from Subway... I feel like I'm the only one sending pics. I love all the positive feedback but maybe you guys send a pic? Anyway, here's more pics.

The Griffins have a load of goats. I'll spare you the details but I suspect this wasn't just happenstance. It made this gag (surely borrowed from Kingpin) possible.

Peter

I have milked all the goats.

Lois

Peter, all those goats are males.

Peter

Well, the buckets are full and the goats are happy. I just hope word doesn't get around.

Stewie has a new nanny. She's called Natalia and she's Belarusian. Where childrens' books are dark, man. And I mean really dark.

Natalia

Okay, Stewie. This is favourite Belarusian childrens' book called, "Goodnight Moon of Chernobyl."

[With STEWIE seated on her lap, she begins reading the book to him]

Goodnight, Chernobyl Moon. Goodnight, radiation house. Goodnight, melted phone. Goodnight, glowing milk. Goodnight, bleeding Grandpa's eyes. Goodnight, two-headed cat. Goodnight, nobody. Goodnight, blocks and blocks and blocks of nobody. The... end. Next book... "Everybody Poops... Blood."

There are times I'm glad that the Griffins are fictional characters because if I overheard a conversation like this in a restaurant, I'd vomit right on the table.

Peter

Hey, hang on, hang on, Lois. Give me two of those round balls of butter and a breadstick. You'll see where I'm heading with this.

[He forms the breadstick and butter balls into an approximation of male genitalia]

Look, look, look... here's what you want.

[He breaks the breadstick in half, shortening the length of the penis]

Here's what you got.

Lois

I'm very happy with what I've got.

Peter

Hmm. Well, maybe I can give you half a breadstick later.

Lois

As long as you don't mind a little marinara dipping sauce.

Peter

That's absolutely disgusting. And I love it!

If this is what being married for a long time does to two people, you can count me out. This argument gets real nasty, real fast. There's some real vitriol here.

Peter

[Makes wet noises with his mouth as he eats]

Lois

Oh. This.

Peter

What?

Lois

That mealy mouth thing you do. Take a sip of water.

Peter

I don't like water. I like pop. Hey, will you let me know when you're done using the phone charger that I brought?

Lois

Oh, you mean the only thing that you packed?

Peter

Yeah, I just assumed if you pay, you don't have to pack.

Lois

Here we go, my husband the Rockefeller. Lettin' my parents pay for the nanny.

Peter

Kids still lining up around the block for those piano lessons? I wonder which has more clutter on it? The piano or your treadmill? You know what? I'm gonna go with the treadmill.

Lois

Really? Let's go knock on the door of the next room and ask them which one of us is fat.

Peter

Oh, I'm so sorry I'm not Bradley Hooper.

Lois

It's Cooper, not Hooper. You're thinkin' of Mister Hooper from Sesame Street and I'd sooner bang him. He was a business owner. He was a successful man.

Peter

You think you're the only one in this relationship who wants to be with a successful man? Get over yourself.

Lois

Oh, hey... do you want these spit droplets back or are they for my arm to keep?

Peter

Sorry. I was trying to scare that fly on your hand. Oh! It's a liver spot. Never mind.

Lois

I'm hopin' it's Cancer. I want the ticket out.

Peter

Oh, if you die can I have all of your nothing?

Lois

What do you mean if I die? I've been dead since the minute I said, "I do!"

Peter

Well, the minute you say, "I don't," I am out that door.

Lois

Oh. Is that right?

Peter

Yep.

Lois

Well, what if I just said, "to hell with it. Go!"

Peter

What if you did?

Lois

Go.

Peter

Fine!

Brian is now living in Peter's place. He's married to Lois and when Peter comes knocking one day, you could cut the atmosphere with a knife. It's frosty. Brrrrrrr!

Brian

[Opening the front door to find PETER standing on the doorstep]

Oh... hello, Peter. I was just out back working in the garden.

Peter

Oh yeah? Tryin' to grow some balls?

Brian

Okay. Okay.

Brian has a new job. I'll be honest. He applied simply because he fancied the girl in the adjacent cubicle. So, how's that working out for you, Brian?

Brian

[Answering the phone]

Suicide Hotline.

Stewie

Hey, I'm a pathetic dog whose family kicked him out and I want to kill myself.

Brian

Stewie?

Stewie

Hey, Brian! How's the new job going?

Brian is recovering in hospital having left a building through a window. Lois comes to visit him and meets (luckily for the purposes of this gag), a lady called Annie in the adjacent bed.

Lois

Oh my God, Brian. Are you okay?

Brian

Yeah. I'm fine.

Lois

Annie, are you okay? So, Annie, are you okay? Are you okay, Annie?

Chris

What happened to her?

Lois

She was hit by... she was struck by... a smooth criminal.

Don't you, like me, wish that all advertising was this brutally honest? Imagine the money we'd all save if we didn't keep buying every tacky, crappy gadget we see on the internet and on TV?!

V/O

Coming this holiday season, it's Star Blizzard. Using laser technology to shower your home in a blizzard of dazzling lights.

Man #1

So much easier than stringing Christmas lights.

Woman

I can light up my whole house for just pennies a day.

Frank

I looked into it and now I'm blind.

Frank's Wife

Honey, the house looks great!

Frank

Who's there?

Frank's Neighbour

Hey, Frank... could you turn that off? My cat's freakin' out.

Frank

Who's that now? I don't know voices yet. I'm new-blind!

V/O

Star Blizzard. Happy Holidays! And just don't look into it!

Some gags are funny without visuals. In this case, you're lucky that there are no visuals. Who wants to see the dangling scrotum of an Octogenarian when he bends over? Anyone? No? Good.

Meg

Thanks, Grandpa. This Christmas is perfect. Isn't it, Mom?

Lois

Almost, Meg. Almost.

Chris

Yeah. It is. Except, every time Grandpa bends over to get a present, his robe opens up.

[CARTER bends over, giving CHRIS and STEWIE an unwelcome close-up of his distended, old man balls from behind]

Carter

Let's see... I think this is for Chris.

Stewie

Good God! Looks like two eggs in an old handkerchief!

What happens when a Veteran Arian goes to the Veterinarian's Office? Has this ever happened before? No. Probably not. But it doesn't stop Family Guy from cashing in on this play on words!

German Man

Is zis ze Veteran Arians office?

Receptionist

No. This is the veterinarians. I think you want the Veteran Arians Centre, next door.

German Man

Ah! I see ze confusion. Zis must happen all ze time.

Veterinary Nurse

We're ready for the German Shepherd.

German Shepherd

[Who just so happens to be in the waiting room, apparently]

Ja! Zat would be me.

German Man

Zis is a very confusing lobby!

We should have taken bets on how long it would be before Family Guy parodied Dead Pool. Which in itself was a parody. So... yeah. Double Parody.

Red Stool

Call me Red Stool. The treatment didn't give me powers but it did spread Cancer to my anus.

[A spoof of Angel of the Morning with alternative lyrics starts]

♪

Just call me Anus, of the morning, Anus.

Just touch my cheek before you leave me, Anus.

This violence juxtaposed to music, Anus.

Decapitation in slow motion, Anus.

♪

Stewie is seeing a counsellor. Doctor Pritchfield. Who's English. So he MUST like Stewie's selection of insults, hmm?

Doctor Pritchfield

You seem to have a lot of strong opinions.

Stewie

I do. Mostly because I come across a lot of d*cks. Or I guess I should say wa*kers. We do like that word, hmm? Or tosser, git, prat, sod, chuffer? Take your pick, eh, Doctor Pritchfield?

In this episode, Stewie plays Sherlock Holmes and Brian plays Doctor Watson. Because they just do... okay?!

Stewie

Women are mysterious. But don't ask me. Ask contemporary personality, Oscar Wilde.

Oscar Wilde

I prefer a man with a future and a woman with a past.

Stewie

[Laughs]

Oh, splendid! Well said! Splendid! All right, let's get out of here before we're all arrested for the crime of bum-fancy.

Bruce plays a chimney sweep in this episode. He's being dangled down a chimney by another man. But his entrance isn't welcome. If you'll pardon the euphemism.

Bruce

[Appearing in the fireplace from the chimney]

Sorry. Today was yo's cleaning day. Ya'll want me to come back later?

Stewie

Maybe, maybe... yuh. Maybe, maybe another day.

Bruce

That's fine. I'll pull out.

[Shouting up the chimney to his accomplice who starts trying to yank him back up]

Just go easy. It really hurt on the way in. Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow!

If TV existed at the turn of the 20th century, adverts would be very different. VERY different.

V/O

Will Watson and Holmes track down Constance? We'll be right back after these turn-of-the-century messages.

[Cut to an English gentleman's club]

Man #1

[Sighs]

Another dull night at the gentleman's club.

Man #2

What we need is some room-temperature gin.

Cockney Woman

'Ello, gents. Fancy some room-temperature gin?

Man #1

Shut up, you slag. No women allowed.

V/O

Room-temperature gin. Drink it without women, have an eel pie then go to bed.

This is ACTUALLY Kenny Loggins playing himself in this cutaway. Yes, you read that right. It's ACTUALLY Kenny Loggins. THE Kenny Loggins.

Girl #1

Dad, Family Guy used two of your songs.

Kenny Loggins

Well, that's great. But I'm not your Dad. I'm Kenny Loggins and you're a groupie I brought here for sex.

Girl #2

Dad, Family Guy just -

Kenny Loggins

See? Now that's my daughter.

I wonder if this is true? I've flown Southwest Airlines ONCE but perhaps this is a regular occurrence? I guess they didn't sue... so it MUST be true!

Peter

You know, guys. If being a Veteran is about anything, it's about getting half-hearted applause on a Southwest Airlines flight.

[Cue: half-hearted applause]

Passenger #1

Veterans!

Passenger #2

Yay, Veterans!

Having been convicted of Stolen Valor, Peter, Quagmire, Joe and Cleveland have been forced to join the Coastguard and they've just been given their first postings.

Captain

[Clears his throat]

Everybody ships out tomorrow. You'll find your assignments listed on this sheet.

Peter

Oh, crap! Where in Iraq is Fort L Aud Erd Al-e?

Quagmire

Peter, that's Fort Lauderdale. We're being shipped out to guard freakin' Spring Break!

If, like me, you loved Sesame Street growing up, this is going to ruin your childhood. Turn back now before it's too late. Don't touch that play button. Just don't.

Stewie

Brian, you've turned into a monster!

Herry Monster

Hey! That's offensive to the monster community.

Elmo

Yeah, some of us are nice.

Brian

Yeah. Real nice. Weren't you charged with sexually abusing a sixteen-year-old?

Elmo

Elmo's accuser recanted and admitted the relationship was consensual.

Stewie

Yeah, but wasn't there another case that was only thrown out because the statute of limitations had expired?

Elmo

Elmo no comment.

When Brian decides to make a shady-looking investment in a company that makes protein shakes, he discovers that the key ingredient is dog. Not a great investment. Especially for a dog.

Brian

Hi. Brian Griffin. I have an appointment to see your CEO about an investment?

Receptionist

Ah, yes... we waiting for you. Here... breathe deeply into this investors' bag.

Brian

All right, now I'm not sure if I'm saying this right but, uh... BU... KAKKE.

[He inhales the contents of the bag and collapses]

In Quahog, Alexa is called Brandy. She's still a virtual assistant but she's pretty clueless.

Brian

Brandy? What is love.

Brandy

John Lennon said, "Love is the answer." He also said, "No thanks, every hot woman. I'll take this woman crawling out of the well from The Ring who none of my friends like."

Brian

Yeah, I bet they were all like, "Oh, no!"

Brandy

Downloading Yoko Ono.

Brian

Oh, no!

Brandy

Downloading more Yoko Ono.

Brian

No! NO! No Ono.

Brandy

Downloading all Yoko Ono.

Brian

[Screams as a terrible guttural screeching sound begins to play]

Peter has destroyed the Internet. I mean, completely fu*ked it. And now only he can reverse the damage and drag the world back out of the dark ages. Possibly. Probably not, though.

Meg

Dad, you've gotta do something. Nobody can live without the Internet.

Peter

[Sighs]

You're right. This sucks. It's even worse than when I was room mates with Oscar Pistorius.

[Cut to PETER sitting on a toilet in a bathroom. Somebody begins pounding on the door]

Peter

Somebody's in here.

[Three shots ring out as someone shoots through the door]

Peter

Somebody's IN here!