31 MP3 Audio clips from Season 14 of Family Guy (1999)

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Peter and Quagmire are about to go head-to-head in a cook-off, the prize for which is the continued commission of their respective cookery shows. Tom Tucker presides...

Tom Tucker

Good afternoon. I'm Tom Tucker and we have a fantastic cooking competition for you today with two fantastic chefs. Really? You couldn't find another adjective for fantastic? You used fantastic twice? Who wrote this?

Assistant Director

Erica did.

Tom Tucker

Wait... is that the one I called fat and we can't fire?

Assistant Director

Yeah.

Tom Tucker

Let's get this contest started!

Twitter. It's the new stand-up, right? Everyone's a comedian. Everyone has an opinion. Even Stewie and he's just a baby.

Stewie

Yeah, stand-up is so twenty years ago. Twitter's only three years ago. Check mine out; I've got ten thousand followers.

Brian

[Reading from STEWIE'S Twitter feed]

"I feel like we should wait to hear Adele's ex-boyfriend's songs before we choose sides." Who's Adele?

Stewie

Just keep reading.

Brian

"Hey, short guys... the more muscular you get, the shorter you look. Did you not know that?" Well, that one seems a little mean.

Stewie

Just give me the phone.

Brian

No, no, no. "I was wondering why this tampon commercial was so long until I realised it was a re-run of Sex & The City." Was it a re-run on basic cable? Because sometimes they edit those a lot and that could be why you were confused.

Stewie

Hmm. That's interesting, Brian. A girl in Iowa asked me the same question. You know what I did? I flew her out here and [BEEP] [BEEP] her in the face.

Beetroot. I remember eating an entire jar of the stuff when I was a kid and then panicking when my pee came out red. So I have every sympathy for this guy.

Brian

Whatever. Have fun with your little robot. But if you ask me, this whole thing is more disturbing than a dump after a beet salad.

[Cut to men's bathroom interior, a pair of legs visible below the door of a stall]

Man

Aargh! Oh, right...

God only knows what creepy-crawlies were living in Peter and Lois' old mattress but my guess would be a family of pubic lice.

Lois

You know, I'm glad we're keeping our old mattress. Sometimes newer isn't better.

Peter

Yeah. Are your privates itchy too or just mine?

Lois

No. They're itchy. Maybe we should keep the new mattress.

Peter

Way ahead of you, Lois. I already dragged the old one out to the kerb.

Lois

Good. Okay, I'm gonna go rub up against the basement door jamb.

Vodka Beer. Another in a long line of products invented by the people at Family Guy and slipped into the show as a fake commercial.

Voiceover

Hey, Guys. Do you like beer but can't get drunk from beer? Then try new Vodka Beer. The can says beer but inside is twelve ounces of carbonated vodka. And the best part is, your wife will never know.

Wife

Honey, I'm so proud of you. Cutting down to one beer a night.

Husband

[Drunkenly]

Take off your underwear.

[To camera]

She don't know!

Imagine being that kid who records a video diary for his grown-up self to find in years to come. Imagine that.

Past Peter

Hello, future Peter!

Future Peter

Hi!

Past Peter

By the time you watch this, you'll be a grown-up. So I'm sure you're allowed to eat ice cream and pizza for every meal.

Future Peter

[Eating ice cream and pizza]

You know it.

Past Peter

Also, I bet you're a big, important doctor like that Doogie Howser kid who's gettin' so much ass.

Future Peter

Well, I was partly right.

Another commercial for a product that... well, this one actually exists. Not sure how they got around this one without getting sued. I've had this and I was able to see the inside of my own eyeballs.

Stewie

Hi, Stewie Griffin here with my latest creation. Monster Energy Drink. What is it? I don't know but it's free from this truck that stopped outside your work. Mix it with booze. Ever been wide-awake, blacked out? Ever tried to jump over a train on a bike? Every bit the beak off a bird? Monster Energy. Put it in your body and ask questions later. It's green, so it's nature!

Remember how in the 1980s every cool kid in any film with a cool kid in chewed on a toothpick? Remember that? No. Not sure I do either but hey... it's a great set-up for this exchange.

Peter

Chris, now that I'm a toothpick guy, it's my job to sit on a BMX bike outside the rec. centre and ask every kid if they're the new kid.

[Cut to outside rec. centre where PETER is sat astride a BMX, chewing on a toothpick]

Hey, you the new kid?

Kid

Why?

Peter

Never mind why. Got any cool toys?

Kid

Uh, I've got an Xbox. How 'bout you?

Peter

I got a Barbie with a wiener on her. Took a thumb from a GI Joe, put it on with superglue. Looks pretty real. Real enough, anyways. Does the job.

Kid

Does what job?

Peter

You get it. My family moves around a lot 'cos I do stuff like this.

Kid

Um... okay! I gotta go now.

Peter

You sure you don't wanna come over and pull on my cat's nipples? We can do anything 'cos my mom has two jobs.

On a night out at Smitty's Steakhouse, who should Peter and Lois bump into than Quagmire and his transgender mother, Ida who's had a sandwich named after her. Ahem.

Lois

Oh look... there's Quagmire and his transgendered mother, which is now great.

Peter

Hey Quagmire, hey Ida. I didn't know you like Smitty's.

Ida

Oh, ya. I've been coming here for ages. They even named a sandwich after me. It's an inside-out hotdog slathered in ketchup.

Quagmire

Please, please join us.

I don't know much about passive-aggressive songs in musicals of old because I've not watched many. But I'm pretty sure this is an exaggeration. It has to be. Right?

♪

Actor

You're hideous...

... to be without.

You're big and fat...

... in the heart no doubt.

You're a whore...

... rible loss if you won't be my wife.

You're a raging c*nt...

... inuous love in my life.

♪

Daft Punk. That electro duo who wear strange helmets in all of their videos. You know the ones.

Brian

Man, this is a pretty sweet gig. Like being a member of Daft Punk.

Thomas

Look at zis old Casio keyboard from ze nineteen-eighties zat I 'ave found. Watch what happens when I push zis demo button.

[The keyboard begins to play its demo song which sounds kinda like a Daft Punk song]

Courier

Hello, Daft Punk. Great song. Here's a Grammy.

Thomas

Oh, ho!

Guy-Manuel

You know, it's funny. Until you spoke I did not know we were French.

Brian has been banging the wife of a Navy Seal who's now chained him up in the back yard. He doesn't know it's Brian his wife's screwing but it's scary nonetheless.

Brian

God, what a nightmare. That guy's even scarier than a Thesaurus-a-saurus.

Theasaurus-a-saurus

Tread, stomp, trudge, growl, roar, ululate, antonym... whisper.

Dinosaur 1

What's wrong with him?

Dinosaur 2

He's on the Spectrum.

Dinosaur 1

Spectrum? In my day we'd throw 'em in the army and have 'em play the bugle.

This isn't the first time Family Guy have used Harry Potter for a gag. But this IS one of the better ones.

Peter

C'mon, you guys. Joe's gonna be fine. He'll fit in great there. Not like when I went to Hogwarts.

[Cut to Great Hall at Hogwarts where children are being assigned houses by the Sorting Hat]

[A LITTLE BOY sits on the chair and has the Sorting Hat placed on his head]

Sorting Hat

Slytherin.

[A LITTLE GIRL sits on the chair and has the Sorting Hat placed on her head]

Sorting Hat

Hufflepuff.

[PETER sits on the chair and has the Sorting Hat placed on his head]

Sorting Hat

Housing for Registered Sex Offenders.

Peter

Ahhhhhhh.

Oh no. Oh God no. The very idea of Peter appearing in a sleazy late-night party line commercial. Oh the humanity! My eyes! My EYES!

Lois

Ach, you shouldn't wear peoples' old dirty clothes.

Peter

Well, I'm a dirty guy, Lois. Haven't you ever seen my naughty late-night party line commercials?

[Cut to typical party line commercial featuring two scantily-clad women and soft focus]

Girl 1

Hey, are you lonely?

Girl 2

Do you like to party with hot girls?

Peter

What about horsin' around with fat guys?

Girl 1

Well... what are you waiting for? Give us a call.

Peter

I'll be on the toilet wearing a t-shirt that's so long I have to hold it under my chin while I wipe.

Peter, Joe, Cleveland and Quagmire have travelled to South Korea to find the long-lost final episode of his long-forgotten soap opera. And there, by chance, he meets his co-star, Sujin.

Sujin

And you know, Glenn; after you moved away, Buttercup had kittens.

Quagmire

Huh? WHAT?!

Sujin

That's right. You're a grandfather.

[A litter of kittens walks into the room, meowing]

Quagmire

My God. This is more pu**y than even I can handle!

Stewie is auditioning for a fruit juice commercial. Peter and Lois are keen that he gets the part. So much so that they're not afraid to warp, threaten and drug him to bag the role.

Peter

All right, Stewie. Now remember what we practiced last night. And here's a trick to keep that confidence up. You go in that room and imagine everyone in it wants you sexually.

Stewie

Okay.

Lois

And don't forget... if you screw this up, Mommy's gonna kill all of your toys.

Stewie

Okay.

Casting Director

Stewie Griffin?

Lois

Oh... right here! Peter, he needs a boost. Give him some of the acting soup.

[We cut to the audition, STEWIE having been given a cocktail of 5-Hour Energy, Espresso, Scott's Turf Builder and Cocaine by PETER]

Casting Director

Okay, Stewie. You're just gonna drink this juice, then say, "Mmmmmm!" and rub your belly.

Stewie

Yeah, yeah, you got it!

[STEWIE downs a glass of the juice]

YEAH! BYE, JUICE!

[STEWIE throws the empty glass through the window]

Casting Director

That was amazing!

Casting Panelist

I've got goose-bumps.

Casting Panelist

I want him sexually!

Stewie got the gig. Not surprising, really. But now he's decided not to take the "acting soup" and is about to deliberately fail his audition to exact revenge on his pushy parents.

Director

All right... ACTION!

Commercial Mom

As a mom, I want my kids to start their day right. And there's no better way than with a glass of fresh-squeezed Sunnydale orange juice. Isn't that right, sweetie?

Stewie

SHUT YOUR HOLE, B**CH!

[He smashes the glass on the table]

I'll tell you what I want fresh-squeezed...

[He clambers onto the table, rips his co-star's blouse open and grabs her breasts]

These!

[His co-star screams and flees the set]

Lois

What the hell's he doing? He's blowing this.

Stewie

Oh... here's what I think of this orange juice.

[STEWIE takes off his diaper and squats over the jug of orange juice]

Uh... nnnnn.... ah.... ahhh... I can't... I can't... I can't go right now with everybody watching. But... but I presume you understand the disrespect I intended.

Peter has to spend the day "babysitting" his father-in-law, Carter. It's a prospect that doesn't exactly fill him with joy.

Peter

Uhhhh. Man, spending a whole day with him is gonna be worse than eatin' at a ball park.

[Cut to fast food stand at a stadium]

Uh, I'll take one terrible beer filled up way too high so I spill most of it and a too-long hotdog in a too-short bun and do you have mustard and relish?

Server

Yeah, it's right there between the entrance and the exit to the bathroom.

Peter

Perfect. And can I get a bag of unsalted peanuts? You know, something I would never eat anywhere else in the world?

Server

Sure. Here you go.

Peter

Great. Great. I can't wait to have diarrhoea in the stall with no door while twenty guys wait for me to finish.

Marriage. A wonderful institution. But who the hell wants to live in an institution? Just kidding. Marriage is wonderful, despite what Family Guy says about it.

Peter

I mean, can you imagine if you make a million bucks? You'll be happier than a guy on his wedding day.

[Cut to exterior or church, bride and groom descending steps through clouds of confetti and cheering friends and relatives]

Groom

Thanks, everyone! Goodbye, Mom. Goodbye, Dad. Goodbye, friends. Goodbye, free-time. Farewell, sex. So long, guff on TV. I'll miss you, privacy. Goodbye, being honest about how many beers I've had. Nice knowing you, my own choices. See ya later, money!

[The bride and groom drive off into the sunset]

You've heard of Shazam, right? No. Not the movie. The app. The one that you play music at and it identifies the song? Yeah. Who hasn't?! Apart from Peter. Peter hasn't heard of it.

Cleveland

Guys... calm down. There's one way to solve this. I'll just use my phone.

[CLEVELAND holds his phone in the air and when Shazam beeps, he lowers it to read the screen]

It says, "Around the World by Daft Punk."

Quagmire

Thank you! God, you idiots are exhausting.

Peter

Hey, Cleveland, how did you do that with your phone?

Joe

I'm not an idiot!

Cleveland

I use Shazam. It recognises songs and tells you their names.

Peter

Yeah? Hey, what if I farted into it?

Cleveland

I dunno. Be my guest.

[He hands PETER his phone and PETER promptly farts into it]

Peter

It says "Lana Del Rey".

Stewie is playing tennis against his coach. He's really got the whole Venus Williams grunting thing down. Every swing.

Demitri

Very good, Stewie. You grunt like a Hungarian lesbian.

Stewie

Ah, thanks, Demitri. And uh... your testicle's hanging out of your shorts again.

Demitri

I am cooling it.

Chris has sent an unsolicited "d*ck pic" to a female classmate. He's now a convicted sex offender. But he's completed his rehabilitation course. Which is cause for celebration. Right?

Lois

There he is... Mister Former Sex Offender!

Chris

But Mom, it's not that big a deal. All I did was finish those creepy classes.

Lois

I know but now your record is clear. You can go back to being a normal boy and put all this behind you.

Peter

Hey Chris, wait'll you see the funny thing I had 'em put on your cake.

[PETER lifts the lid of the cake box and CHRIS reads the icing]

Chris

Happy sixth birthday, Timmy.

Peter

Uh-oh. They must've mixed 'em up.

[Cut to child's birthday party, LITTLE TIMMY reading the top of his cake]

Timmy

Nice crank, you dirty little bastard?!

[PETER appears next to him]

Peter

Sorry. I'll take that. Here's your cake. I ate a great deal of it.

I don't have words for this. I mean I find innuendo funny. Who doesn't? But this? This is beyond the pale. It's gross. Which is probably why I laughed so much. Sorry.

Brian

Stewie, you can't be serious?

Stewie

Oh, I'm very serious. You and I will place these cranial impulse receptor caps on our heads. I shall begin my slumber and -

Brian

And then this thing will actually allow me to enter your dream?

Stewie

That's right Brian... I want you to come inside me while I'm asleep.

Brian

Nah, no... don't say it like that.

When Lois starts with with the USPS, she discovers a letter from Peter to his old flame, Gretchen in the dead letter bin. And it sparks jealousy.

Lois

I guess jealousy's my weak-spot. Everyone has one. Even Achilles.

[Cut to ancient Greece where ACHILLES is speaking to a fellow TROJAN SOLDIER]

Soldier

So... you can only be injured on your Achilles Tendon?

Achilles

That's right. My mother dipped me into the River Styx and she held me by my heels. So that's the only part that can be injured. How 'bout you, Testicles?

Soldier

It's the sa... it's, it's, it's... similar.

Brian has fallen for another woman. This time in a jewellery store. Thing is, he's lost his respect for women as people and has begun to objectify them. Something which Stewie finds distasteful.

Brian

Wow! Check it out. Bi-racial slam-piece dead ahead.

Stewie

What's goin' on with you, man? That's a human-being.

Brian

Sorry, sorry. My buddy sent me a bunch of Romanian porn and now every girl I look at I imagine throwing onto a table.

Stewie

Yeah, that wasn't really the back-pedal I expected.

Peter has found himself in an arcade at the Quahog Mall. He's playing a game which, frankly, defies explanation. I mean... who is this joke aimed at? It's so low it's bound to miss.

Lois

There you are! We were supposed to meet an hour ago.

Peter

Yeah, I'm almost done. I'm playing a really cool new video game. Michael Douglas' Munch-Out.

Michael Douglas

Naaaaaaaaam. Num num num num num num num!

Lois

Come on, Peter. It's time to go home.

Peter

Not now, Lois. I'm makin' ladies feel good.

Lois

Peter, I've been on my feet all day! Let's go.

Peter

I'd stop but Catherine Zeta-Jones' big hands are on the back of my head.

Lois

You know what? Forget this. We're leavin'. You find your own way home.

[The machine makes a sound clearly denoting that it's game over]

Peter

WHAT?! Throat cancer? But all I did was drink Scotch, smoke cigars and... this! All right. We can go Lois.

[PETER looks around but LOIS, not surprisingly, has already gone]

Lois?

Peter has been stuck on a run-away circular train all night. The centrifugal force has had dire consequences for his body. So much so that he's made the news.

Lois

Oh my God, Bonnie. Are you watching the news right now?

Bonnie

Yes. I'm so sorry about Peter.

Lois

Um, I'm sure he'll be fine. But did you see that sweet new piece of ass, Dallas Portland?

Bonnie

Oh, I dunno. Why don't you ask my index and middle finger?

Dallas Portland is the new anchor on Quahog's local news channel. And Tom Tucker hates him. Perhaps not QUITE as much as Peter hates him but at least they finally have something in common.

Peter

Tom Tucker? What are you doin' here?

Tom Tucker

Trying to forget how mad I am at Dallas Portland.

Peter

You and me both, pal. That Dallas guy sucks.

Tom Tucker

Why? What's your problem with him?

Peter

Ah, my wife's been creamin' her spinach over him.

If, like me, you're a child of the 1980's, you'll remember Tecmo Bowl on the NES. It was an NFL licensed game in which, if you played as Bo Jackson from the LA Raiders, you were untouchable. Literally.

Peter

[Giggles]

Bye bye!

Quagmire

See, Peter? He's too fast!

Peter

You gotta tackle me. It's B. You gotta press B.

Quagmire

I'm pressing B. He's too fast.

Peter

Goin' over here... goin' over here now. Never get tired.

Joe

Change your guy, Quagmire. Change your guy.

Quagmire

I'm trying. Peter's cheating. You're cheating, Peter.

Peter

I'm not cheatin', I'm followin' the rules. I'm just really good.

Quagmire

You're not really good... you just got Bo Jackson.

Joe

Bo Jackson also played professional Baseball.

Quagmire

Shut up, Joe. Everybody knows that.

Joe

Kansas City. Royals.

Peter

Can't stop. Won't stop. Bo! Might... go... all... the... nope, goin' back the other way.

Quagmire

What?! Are you going backwards?! Just score!

Peter

Nah, I'm gonna run out the quarter.

Quagmire

I'm not playing now. My controller's down.

Peter

Seems like your controller's been down the whole time.

Joe

Who's Veris? You gotta switch off Veris. Get it to Ronnie Lott. Pretty much anyone but Veris.

Peter

Oh no. I'm all the way back here now. I'm in my own Endzone. What am I doing? Too bad I'm not Bo Jackson. Oh, wait... I AM!

Quagmire

Ridiculous!

Peter

Oh yeah! There you go, Quagmire. You're about to tackle me. But then...

Quagmire

Dammit!

Joe

Less than a minute.

Quagmire

Shut up, Joe!

Joe

He's gonna do it! He might do this.

Peter

I dunno... a lot of football still to be played here.

Quagmire

I'm hitting reset.

Peter

Don't you dare hit reset. You hit reset, you're banned for life.

Quagmire

I hate this! Joe, do you wanna play?

Joe

Nah, I like being this guy.

Peter

I zig... I zag... and TOUCHDOWN! Yeah! I won the game, and now I'm gonna jump... BO JACKSON!

And if you remember Tecmo Bowl, you'll surely remember Double Dribble where a software glitch made it possible to score endlessly from the corner. I lost a lot of friends playing this.

Peter

Hey, to celebrate... how about we play a little old school Double Dribble?

Cleveland

Okay. But no stupid ass shots from the corner because that's a glitch in the software -

Peter

GAME ON! All right... bring it up the court... and... CORNER THREE!

Cleveland

No, no... that's what I'm talkin' about.

Peter

Steal... up... CORNER THREE!

Cleveland

All right, here we go... I got something cookin'

Peter

Oop, you dropped somethin'... think I'll head over in this direction... CORNER THREE!

Joe

It's a rout. It's a blowout.

Cleveland

It's some bullcrap.

Joe

Couple nice passes there... HEY!

Peter

See? Competitive ball game. What should I do? Pass and then go up... and CORNER THREE!

Cleveland

Right. Enough of this mess.

Quagmire

Shoot it. Shoot it from there.

Joe

The refs are lettin' them play. I do appreciate that.

Cleveland

Yeah, that's what I'm talkin' about. Now I'm playin' for real.

Peter

Yeah, you're doin' pretty good. What play should I call now? Maybe CORNER THREE!

Joe

He's hot. He... is... hot. Keep feedin' that guy.

Peter

Hi. Nice to meet you. Can I have that? Hang out over here for a second. CORNER THREE!

Joe

You gotta get out there, Cleveland.

Cleveland

I'm tryin'. He's taking advantage of poor technology.

Peter

Oop, lot of dribblin'. SWIPE! Here we... ahh, hit the wrong button. I think you all know I was going for a corner three.

Brian likes to think of himself as a famous author and likes to think that he'd hate the attention it would bring. But what about William Shakespeare? What did he have to put up with?

Brian

No. Sometimes fame brings a lot of unwanted attention. I mean, look at William Shakespeare.

Villager

William Shakespeare!

Shakespeare

Aye?

Villager

Nice collar, you fruit!

Shakespeare

Thank ye!

Villager

Hey, Shakespeare... what's the title of your next play? You should call it Homosexual Collar Guy.

Shakespeare

Ah, thy japes and jabs cut me to the quick, squire.

Villager

What does that even mean?

Villager

I know. It means "I use this collar as a bib for when I service guys."

Shakespeare

Thank ye! Thank ye!

[SHAKESPEARE walks into the Ye Olde Super Fruity Collars shop]

Storekeep

So... how do you like the collar?

Shakespeare

'Tis not for me.