18 MP3 Audio clips from Season 10 of Family Guy (1999)

PLAY ALL 662 CLIPS IN THE RANDOMISER™

Peter has won the lottery. As a result, he had the pleasure of quitting his job at the Pawtucket Brewery.

Peter

I told Angela what she could do with that job just like I always fantasised.

[Cut to PETER'S office at the Pawtucket Brewery]

Angela, I just wanna thank you for several extremely pleasurable years working for this corporation. Uh, certain unexpected developments have created a situation where I am no longer in need of employment. Uh, I would be remiss, however, if I did not extend my gratitude to you for your unwavering fairness and belief in me and there is a giant poo on your desk.

It's raining. The satellite is out. The Griffin family are bored out of their tiny minds. Which is how they decided to play a game. THIS game.

Meg

So, what do you guys wanna do now?

Peter

Oh, hey! I know. Let's play Fingerbang. BANG BANG! I'm gonna Fingerbang you, Chris.

Chris

Ha ha ha! Not if I Fingerbang you first, Dad. BANG! BANG!

Lois

I'm gonna Fingerbang the two of you at the same time. BANG! BANG!

Meg

Hey, me too! BANG!

Peter

Oh, no-one wants to get Fingerbanged by you, Meg.

Lois

Why don't you just go do that to yourself, Meg?

Stewie

I think I'm gonna be sick!

Quagmire has been AWOL for a few days. It's down to Peter and Joe to find him. But neither of them was expecting THIS.

[PETER knocks on QUAGMIRE'S door]

Peter

Hey, Quagmire? You in there?

[PETER opens the door and we see QUAGMIRE'S feet dangling from the ceiling]

[Gasps]

HOLY CRAP!

Joe

Oh my God. He must have auto-erotically asphyxiated himself.

Peter

Yeah, while he was watching clown porn.

[What follows defies explanation. If this DOES exist, I don't want to see it]

Clown

Oh yeah, Baby. Oh YEAH, baby. You make me so horny.

Kevin has unexpectedly resurfaced having been presumed KIA in Iraq. He's sat at the dinner table enjoying Thanksgiving when Peter drops this bombshell. If you'll pardon the pun.

Peter

Hey, Kevin. Can I see your Purple Heart? 'Cos I've never actually seen one. One... one time this homeless guy showed me his purple head but looking back, I'm not... I'm not so sure that was a military thing.

Peter needs to go on a diet in order to ride a brand new rollercoaster. Joe and Quagmire are on hand to give him some helpful advice on weight loss.

Peter

A diet, huh? All right, well how's that work?

Joe

Well, I suppose you can start by keeping a food journal like Quagmire does.

Quagmire

Yeah, in fact I've got it right here. Today I ate Peaches, Ginger, Honey, Candy, Olive... uh, you know what? This is the wrong list.

Meg has fallen in love with an Amish boy. This leads to all sorts of issues which Lois is trying desperately to resolve.

Lois

Seb, please. Whatever your quarrel is with my husband I'm sure it's probably justified. But I'm begging you, don't punish the children for it. They're innocent in all this.

Seb

Innocent, are they? I found THIS in Eli's cornhole.

Lois

Well, I... his WHAT?

Seb

A compartment in Eli's room where he stores his corn.

Lois

Oh.

If Meg were your daughter and she'd formed a relationship with Quagmire (of all people) wouldn't you be concerned about where it might lead?

Peter

Well, she may not plan on sleeping with him but you don't know how smooth Quagmire is, Lois. He's like a vagician.

Lois

Oh! That's clever!

Peter

I know! He practices vagic.

Lois

Vagician was funnier.

And it gets worse. Quagmire has taken Meg away with him. To his cabin in the woods. A cabin which he likes to call...

Lois

Oh, Peter. There you are. Would you go tell Meg that lunch is on the table?

Peter

Meg's not here.

Lois

Whadda you mean?

Peter

She and Quagmire went up to his cabin for the weekend.

Lois

WHAT?! Peter, Quagmire has a name for that cabin. He calls it his Sex Cabin.

Peter

No, he doesn't. He calls it the Stuff-it Inn.

Oh now this is all kinds of wrong. I mean, it's creepy, it's predatory and it's... it's... well, it's MEG!

Meg

Mmmm. Thanks for the ice-cream, Glen. And you're right. Somehow it does taste better in my underpants.

Quagmire

Yeah, it's like being at the beach, huh? Now get over here while the inside of your mouth is still freezing cold.

Peter is appearing on Jeopardy. Which really isn't a very good idea. Because when he gets an answer wrong, he has a habit of melting the bleep machine.

Alex Trebek

During his twenty-two year reign, this French monarch, known as The Spider King, had an on-going feud with Charles The Bold, Duke of Burgundy. Peter?

Peter

Who was King Louis XII?

Alex Trebek

Ooh, I'm sorry, Peter. We were looking for King Louis XI.

Peter

AH, DAMMIT! I KNEW THAT. WELL, FU*K ME IN THE ASS; WITH A BIG, BLACK C*CK!

Billy is a dolphin (voiced by Ricky Gervais) who has come to stay with the Griffins. Don't ask. Anyway, when Peter goes into the bathroom one morning...

Peter

What are you doin'?

Billy

What do you think I'm doing?

Peter

You're stoolin'? What... you gotta do that in here?

Billy

Well... where else am I supposed to do it? I can't just... do it on the floor, can I? You'd be all like, "Ooh, who left this coil of rope on the floor?" It's very... it comes out very ropy is my point.

Peter

But I gotta take a bath.

Billy

Go on, then. We're both men.

Peter

Well, all right I guess.

[PETER drops his robe and is now stood naked]

Billy

There you go!

[Laughs]

Oh, look at that! What is? Whoa! Solar eclipse. Blocking the sun. Don't... do NOT look directly at it.

[Laughs]

Peter

What? What? What the hell? What are you doin'?

Billy

I'm just making a comment. Um... need to know something. Do you hear the word "morbidly" a lot?

Peter

This is not fair.

Billy

Okay, okay, okay... I'm gonna ask one more question. And don't take this the wrong way. But... have you actually got a penis?

Peter

Yes.

Billy

Where? Where is it? Where is it?

Peter

It's in there.

Billy

Are you sure? So it's like Mister Snuffleupagus, is it?

Peter

Aw, to hell with this!

Chris and Peter have gone to Fat Camp. They're awoken in the morning by one of the staff, an overbearing and self-righteous idiot who almost certainly doesn't have a girlfriend.

[The WARDEN kicks open the door and crashes two garbage can lids together]

Leader

Rise and shine, everyone.

[CHRIS tries to conceal a rucksack filled with contraband snacks]

Leader

What have you got there? A candy bar, huh? Got any other contraband?

Chris

No.

Leader

Don't lie to me. My father was a lawyer.

Peter

Oh, so your Dad gets guys off?

[He laughs and extends his hand]

Peter Griffin. Cabin Clown.

Uncle Patrick has made an expected return from the asylum. He's suspected of killing several boys at Fat Camp.

Chris

Uncle Patrick... why do you strangle fat people?

Joe

It's probably a weird fetish thing. Some criminals have 'em. Like those anal-retentive bandits who robbed Quahog Bank last year.

[Cut to bank interior. Door bursts open and several armed robbers rush in]

Robber 1

All right, hands in the air. Vertically. Both arms should be parallel to each other. You... fill this bag with clean, unmarked bills but first fix that notepad so that it's at a right-angle to the corner of your desk.

Robber 2

And tap that pile of receipts against a flat surface so they're not sticking out haphazardly. You know what? Forget about the money. Everybody grab a broom. We are straightening this place up!

Peter's idea of "father son time" is so, so wrong. It's wrong on every level. Like farting in an elevator. In fact, it's even more wrong than that. Behold...

Peter

All right, Stewie... since Lois says I've gotta keep an eye on you, we might as well have some father son time. So I'm gonna measure your penis and then I'm gonna measure my penis and we're gonna see whose is bigger.

Stewie

Doesn't really seem fair.

Peter

All right, let's see what you've got.

[Time lapse effect. PETER now appears glum]

Stupid game anyway!

And if you thought the LAST clip was wrong, you've heard nothing yet my friend. Yes. Peter actually said this. I'm not even close to kidding. Vomiting? Yes. Kidding? No.

Lois

PETER! DINNER!

Peter

No dinner for me tonight, Lois. I have to go work on a bit for tomorrow's show. If I can kill twenty-five butterflies in a minute, I won't have to show the audience my balls.

Lois

Peter, this is the fourth night in a row you've skipped out on us to work on your show. Once again I'm gonna be stuck cleaning up the kitchen, helping out with homework and bathing Stewie.

Peter

Y'know, I'd lay off the nagging if I was you. I'm a children's TV star now. I can have any three-year-old girl I want. Just know that, Lois.

This is Peter's version of the famous speech from Taken. It's hilarious.

Peter

I don't know who you are. I don't know what you want. But I have a very particular lack of skills. I will never be able to find you. But what I do have is two dollars and a Casio wristwatch. You can have one of them.

Even if Peter weren't in a bad mood, his reaction would still have been fine. Anyone who asks a question like this? Even a close friend? Well, they need shooting.

Quagmire

Hey, you ever accidentally masturbate to young pictures of your Mom?

Peter

Who the [BLEEP] starts a conversation like that? I just sat down!

Breaking news in Quahog. It's over to Tom Tucker and Joyce Kinney for a newsflash.

Tom Tucker

We interrupt this programme for some breaking news. Which is why I'm still chewing a bagel. Just... just roll the footage.

[Cut to O/B footage of a motel car park during a drugs bust]

Joyce (V/O)

A major drug bust in Quahog today as police seized over a hundred kilos of cocaine.

Tom Tucker

Okay, I'm done. That's right, Joyce... apparently there were one hundred kilos of cocaine right here in Quahog and yet my guy can't get d*ck.