26 MP3 Audio clips from Season 8 of Family Guy (1999)

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Who knew that carnivals still have freak shows? I thought that had been outlawed. Well, perhaps it has. But the rules don't apply in Quahog.

Carnival Guy

Step right up, step right up! You won't believe your eyes. Step right up and see the amazing half-man, half-clam.

[PETER and LOIS emerge from the attraction]

Peter

What a rip off. It was just Kim Cattrall sitting Indian-style!

Brian and Stewie have entered a parallel universe where dogs are the masters and humans are their pets. Which doesn't sit right with Stewie.

Stewie

Oh... you like role-reversal? Huh? Okay.

[Walks out of shot as BRIAN follows him with his eyes]

Brian

Wait... what are you d... ohhhhhhhhhhhhh! Ohhhhhhh, COME ON!

Stewie

Pick up my poop! PICK UP MY POOP!

Brian

I'M NOT PICKING UP YOUR POOP!

[A cop pulls up in a cruiser]

Cop

Hey, you! Pick up that poop!

Stewie

You heard him, Brian. Pick up my poop!

Peter is making a move on his lovely wife, Lois. She's not keen at first. And then she is. And then she's not. But he is. Does that make sense?

Lois

Peter, stop. Come on, I'm not in the mood.... Ohhhhhh. Ohhhhhh, Peter!

Peter

Oh, Lois... I missed you. You and your wonderful smile and your beautiful eyes and your awesome third boob that's on top of the other boob.

Lois

WHAT?! Oh my God. Peter, that's not a boob. That's a lump.

Peter

A lump? Holy crap!

[PETER ignores the situation and continues getting it on with LOIS]

Lois

PETER, STOP THAT! WE'RE NOT HAVING SEX. I JUST TOLD YOU I HAVE A LUMP.

Peter

I've got a lump too and mine's easier to get rid of.

This time it's Lois who's horny. Peter is only too willing to oblige but he's been watching the Patrick Swayze movie Roadhouse rather a lot lately and things get a little... "rough."

Lois

You know, it's still early, Peter. What do you say we horse around a little, huh?

Peter

I think I can get on board with that.

[There's lots of moaning, groaning and giggling as the two get down to it. And then PETER punches LOIS]

Lois

OW!

Peter

Roadhouse!

Lois

Peter, for God sakes if you're gonna do that at least aim for my breasts.

[PETER aims for her breasts]

Lois

Oh, yeah!

Peter

Roadhouse!

It's another set-up for a cutaway. It's questionable but still somehow very, very funny.

Peter

Well, careful Brian. Sometimes the things you love can disappoint you. Like that Playboy issue.

[Cut to PETER perusing a copy of Playboy]

Ah! Here we go. Playboy's Women of the Olympics. Wow... those are some broad shoulders. Okay, I guess small boobs are good for swimming. That... that.... those are balls!

We'll forget the context because this was, let's face it, just an excuse to play out this gag. Which isn't unfunny. In fact, it's pretty damned good.

Peter

Whoa, this thing is worthless. Like my Palestinian alarm clock.

[Cut to close-up of digital alarm clock in the Griffin bedroom]

Alarm Clock

Allah hu akbar!

[The entire house is destroyed in a massive explosion]

Quagmire is a pervert. We know that. He's a real slimeball who's after women for only one thing. Well, two. Three if you count the... Yeah. Three things.

Quagmire

So, how long you been in Beauty School?

Girl

Two months.

Quagmire

Well, tonight we're doing facials.

Jerome is a replacement for Cleveland and it just so happens that he and Lois once dated. Which brings out of the green-eyed monster in Peter.

Peter

You're not really gonna hang out with him, Lois, are you?

Lois

We're just friends, Peter. Don't tell me you're jealous.

Peter

What... you dating that guy? It's just a lot to take in.

Lois

[Sniggers]

Oh, yeah. You're tellin' me!

Peter

OH, COME ON! THOSE KINDS OF JOKES AREN'T HELPING!

Lois

Well, what do you want me to say? You're being silly. I mean Jerome and I dated over twelve inches ago.

[Begins to laugh]

I said inches!

Peter

WHAT DID I JUST SAY?

Lois

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Consuela is now working for the Griffin family. She's thrown Brian outside mid-conversation and picks up on the phone where he left off.

Consuela

Ola?

Stewie

Uh, yes... could you please put Brian back on?

Consuela

No... no.... d... doggie afuera.

Stewie

You're the new housekeeper, aren't you?

Consuela

Si.

Stewie

Listen, I don't wanna point fingers but I'm missing about a thousand dollars in play money.

Consuela

I take.

Stewie

Wh... what... you took it?

Consuela

Si.

Stewie

Well, GIVE IT BACK!

Consuela

Come get, b**ch!

[She hangs up on STEWIE]

Peter, Joe and Quagmire have taken Carter to a strip-joint to give him the Bachelor Party he never had. It doesn't end so well. It ends with a Billy Joel reference.

Carter

[Screams out twice in pain]

Quagmire

Oh my God! What's happening to him?

Carter

I'm havin' a heart attack-ack-ack-ack-ack-ack. You ought to know by now!

[Editor's Note: You may recognise this as a lyric from Movin' Out (Anthony's Song) by Billy Joel. It's subtle but it's funny.]

Carter Pewterschmidt thinks of everything. Every eventuality. Even the different ways in which he might meet his demise. Probably didn't imagine the stripjoint scenario though.

[The doorbell rings]

Kenneth Gould

Hello, Mrs. Griffin. I'm Kenneth Gould. Mr. Pewterschmidt's attorney? I'd like to talk to you about a few things.

[Cut to moments later, family sat listening to MR. GOULD]

As part of Mr. Pewterschmidt's estate planning, he has left video wills applicable to a wide variety of situations.

[He inserts a video cassette into the VCR and it begins to play, revealing CARTER sat in an armchair]

Carter

Hello. If you're watching this it means they didn't cut the rope when I climaxed. As a result, I am now dead.

Kenneth Gould

That's not it.

[He fast-winds the cassette]

Carter

If you're watching this one it means the train wasn't able to push the DeLorean up to eighty-eight miles per hour and I'm still stuck in 1885.

Kenneth Gould

This could take a while.

[Fast-wind]

Carter

Eaten by sharks while snorkelling.

[Fast-wind]

Stabbed to death in a Toys 'R Us bathroom.

[Fast-wind]

1940's roller skate left in the hall.

Could this be it? The grossest joke they've ever made on Family Guy? It's GOT to be a contender. I mean Peter... and Chris? His SON? Oh, God... I feel sick.

Peter

That's it, Lois... you're fired. Chris... you are now Meg's mother.

Chris

Oooh, Peter. Your muscles are so muscly.

Peter

I am gonna plough you so gross later!

Peter has taken over the reins at Pewterschmidt Industries. He has his own secretary. And an intercom. Which is enough for Peter.

Peter

Uh, Peggy?

Peggy

Yes, Mr. Griffin?

Peter

That fart I have at three. Can you push that up to now?

Peggy

Very good, sir.

Peter

[Farts loudly and grossly]

Lois is living the dream. She's on Family Feud and they've made it through for a chance to win the big bucks. One question though. Couldn't they have got a sitter?

Richard Dawson

Okay, Lois... fifteen seconds on the clock. Name something you sit in.

Lois

A chair.

Stewie

My own faeces.

Richard Dawson

Name a popular fruit.

Lois

Orange.

Stewie

Clay Aiken.

Richard Dawson

Something in your closet.

Lois

Shoes.

Stewie

Scary monsters.

Richard Dawson

Your favourite holiday.

Lois

Christmas.

Stewie

9/11.

Richard Dawson

Something you do on the weekends.

Lois

Go to church.

Stewie

Black guys.

Anthony is Meg's boyfriend. Yeah... I know, right? And at least he has the manners to compliment Lois. Unlike Peter who can't stop running the poor woman down.

Anthony

Has anybody ever told you you're pretty enough to be a movie star, Mrs. Griffin.

Lois

Oh my goodness, well I don't know about that. Penelope Ann Miller and Nancy Travis... now those are movie stars.

Peter

Look, Anthony... trust me. She ain't what she used to be, all right? Once you get those pants off it's like two sagging pressed hams and a slice of pizza.

Stewie has been dressing as a girl to star in his favourite show, Jolly Farm. Brian is shocked and a little disgusted by this particular revelation.

Brian

Why are you dressed like that?

Stewie

Uh.. because I'm the star of Jolly Farm? Remember how they only needed little girls?

Brian

Oh my God. I'm telling Lois.

Stewie

You're not telling anybody, friend. And no, no... you're gonna be my On-set Guardian.

Brian

You're out of your mind.

[BRIAN starts to walk away]

Stewie

Brian... we both know I touched it. Now if you'd like to keep that just between us I suggest you sit back down and order me some chicken fingers.

In Family Guy, roles are often reversed. For example, it's Peter who's being sexually harassed in this episode. By his boss. A woman named Angela.

Angela

Griffin... I never noticed you before. I like what I see!

Peter

Uh... okay.

[ANGELA throws her pencil to the floor at PETER'S feet]

Angela

Oh no. I dropped my pencil.

Peter

Oh... I'll get it for you.

[As PETER bends forwards, ANGELA grabs his buttocks]

Angela

Yeah. This is going to work out just fine.

[A loud fart is heard which we assume is PETER]

Excuse me!

It's nice for different generations to sit down and talk. Nice for a younger generation to learn of the childhoods of their elders. Sometimes. But not THIS time. No. Definitely not THIS time.

Boy

Tell me about when you were young, Grandpa.

Grandpa

Oh, sonny... those were crazy times. My friends and I were out of control. We used to give each other Wet Willies and Funny Arms. We played Dandy Balls and Legs A-Spread and Penis Butt.

Boy

Sounds kinda gay, Grandpa.

Grandpa

It WAS gay... EVERYONE was. But back then we were called Pole Fancies. It was real good old-fashioned grab the nearest tree and hold on for dear life gay. Not today's fancy, feather-bed, thread-count gay. People got hurt back then!

Boy

That's gay.

Grandpa

Yeah, it was pretty gay!

The Navy is throwing a reunion for Quagmire's war hero father, Dan. It's just that... well, he might be a war hero but he's also remembered for other reasons. By so many people.

Officer 1

It was an honour to serve with him. Come on, Dan... let's get a drink. It's great to see you back in your element tonight... surrounded by seamen.

Peter

[Giggles childishly]

Semen! See, Quagmire. I told you he's gay.

Quagmire

Shut up, Peter!

Officer 2

Hey, you Dan's boy?

Quagmire

That's right.

Officer 2

Your Dad was very brave back in South East Asia. He flew supplies in where others wouldn't dare to go. I can't tell ya how many loads your Dad took when I served with him.

Quagmire

Huh?

Officer 3

Glen, I wouldn't miss this night for the world. Everyone here admires your Dad. He'd walk into an Army barracks and make every Private there feel important. Yeah... he just knew how to stroke those privates.

Quagmire

Oh God!

Officer 4

Your Dad was cock-of-the-walk, Glen. Every day at Rifle Training, he'd help me clean my butt.

Officer 5

Your Dad once drank me under the table.

Officer 6

If there was one man you wanted in your hole, it was your Dad.

Officer 7

Your Dad had the best penis in the military.

Quagmire

OKAY, JUST STOP! STOP! EVERYBODY STOP! Dad? Are you gay?

Dan

No, Glen. I'm not gay.

Quagmire

Just... just tell me the truth.

Dan

I am telling you the truth. Now calm down. You're ruining this ball. You know how much I love balls.

Quagmire

ALL RIGHT COME ON, NOW. THAT'S NOT HELPING!

Quagmire has just found out that Brian boinked his father. Quagmire is not happy about this and he's kicked the sh*t out of Brian in his own home.

Quagmire

IF I EVER SEE YOU ANYWHERE NEAR MY HOUSE, I'LL BLOW YOUR HEAD OFF!

[He punches BRIAN in the face four more times]

NOW LAY THERE AND DIE YOU PIECE OF CRAP!

[As QUAGMIRE walks out, BRIAN comes to the door to throw his parting shot]

Brian

Hey! I f[BEEP]ed your Dad!

[BRIAN slams the front door]

It's one of Family Guy's famous Star Wars specials. And in this one, Chewie is clearly a big fan of hugging. A BIG fan of hugging. HUGGING. Yep. Hugging.

Luke

Hey, take care of yourself, Chewie.

Chewie

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa... what's this handshake business, huh? Come here. Come on. Come on. Bring it in.

Luke

Ahhhhhhhhhhhh....

Chewie

Come on. Come on.

Luke

I'm not really a hug person.

Chewie

Knock it off. Come here. Come on. Bring it.

[Reluctantly, LUKE hugs CHEWIE]

Chewie

Oh yeah, yeah... hug it out b**ch. Hug it out. Spray that hug all over me.

Luke

What's wrong with you?

Chewie

What? I just wanna share my throbbing emotions and shoot hot hug all over you. I don't get why that's a problem.

Stewie is Darth Vader. He's on the dark side of dark. And he's got a troubled belly. Luckily, Princess Leia has now left the Death Star.

Darth Vader

Oh thank God that hot chick has gone. Now I can let loose my Darth farts.

[He lets rip with three farts interspersed with his trademark breathing]

Luke's severed hand has been replaced with a robotic prosthetic. He's happy about it. But the doctor needs to give him one word of caution.

Luke

All right! Is this thing good to go?

Doctor

Yeah but practice on a hot dog first. Otherwise you might rip your d*ck off.

Lois has taken Peter to a college reunion. He's uncomfortable because he doesn't want to meet any of Lois's past conquests. He's in for a surprise on this front.

Lois

You're not uncomfortable, are you?

Peter

Look, I'm just not wild about the idea of running into anybody you used to date. That's all.

Lois

Oh, boy. Speaking of exes, here comes one now.

Peter

Oh, man. This is what I was afraid of. If he tries anything while I'm standing here, I'm gonna kick him right in the ball -

[PETER turns to see that it's actually a woman approaching]

- GINA?!

Lois

Peter? This is Naomi.

Peter

Wait... you mean you two used to... you know, bump Japanese cartoon monkey logo mouths?

Lois

Well, let's just say Naomi and I experimented quite a bit in college.

Peter

No way! My wife messed around with another chick?! Thank you, God!

[Cut to GOD stood on a cloud in a cheap commercial]

God

Don't mention it, Peter.

Jingle

God. He knows what turns you on.

V/O

Have fun!

Naomi is coming to the Griffin house to discuss a proposal. Peter assumes that it's of the sexual variety. And he's eager to get that particular party started. If you know what I mean.

Peter

All right, go on, beat it... all of you.

Brian

Peter, you're not gonna be having a three-way with Lois and her friend. Lois isn't even into women. She just had that one experience in college with that girl, Naomi.

Peter

Naomi's the one who's coming.

Brian

[Fights to get back inside]

Let me stay! Let me stay!

[PETER shuts the whole family outside]

Lois

Peter, why are you so antsy?

Peter

Because Naomi will be here shortly and I'm anxious to get started.

Lois

What do you mean? We don't even know why she's coming.

Peter

We don't... we don't even know... why she's coming... you are so adorable. I'm gonna do you second.

Lois

Huh?!

Not even Sesame Street is safe from the pen of Seth MacFarlane. I mean, using The Count to make a cheap joke about Meg's appearance? Hmm. That's MY childhood ruined!

Lois

But really, Meg... you don't know anything about this stuff. You've never even had a boyfriend more than a few weeks.

Meg

I have, too! Remember when I dated The Count?

[We cut to a scene from Sesame Street. MEG (her back to the camera) exposes her breasts to THE COUNT who begins to... well, to count!]

Count

One nipple, hahahaha. Two nipples, hahahaha. Three nip... oh, hell no. I'm outta here!