21 MP3 Audio clips from Season 7 of Family Guy (1999)

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It's Halloween. Brian and Stewie have ended up both dressing as Snoopy. Awkward. But even more awkward is the conversation between Brian and Jane, the woman Lois has tried to set him up with.

Brian

So, uh... that's a great costume. Wh... what are you? One of Freddy Krueger's victims?

Jane

I'm a victim of the Liberal agenda. I'm a murdered fetus. Did you know that Democrats murder thousands of babies every year? And sometimes babies are put back into the womb just so that they can be aborted again?

Brian

Have you ever had any sex that was voluntary?

Jane

No, I have not.

Brian

Yeah... have a good evening.

[To Woodstock]

Come on, buddy. Let's go.

Woodstock

[Chirps incoherently]

Brian

Yep. With a capital C!

The Griffins are at the Nifty Fifties Diner. That's really all you need to know about this clip. Except (for future reference) it's where Peter hears Surfin' Bird by The Trashmen on the jukebox.

Peter

Boy am I gonna enjoy this meal. Not like last night when I didn't have time to poop before the guests arrived.

[Cut away to the Griffins' Living Room where PETER sits alone on the couch]

Do I have time? You know what? I'm gonna go for it.

[The doorbell sounds]

Son of a b**ch! Looks like I'm gonna have to pile dinner on top of that -

[He throws open the front door]

- HEY GUYS! HOW ARE YA?!

Jesus has been staying with the Griffins. I know, right?! Oh and remember Surfin' Bird? Well, Peter's spent the entire episode obsessed with it. And... GO!

Peter

Jesus is gone.

Lois

I sure am gonna miss him.

Peter

Me too. Although he did give me somethin' right before he disappeared.

Lois

What?

Peter

Somethin' very special, Lois.

Meg

What is it, Dad?

Peter

What... you haven't heard?

Stewie

FU*K!

[Surfin' Bird begins to play and PETER jumps up to sing and dance along with it]

Mort has ended up in occupied Poland. He's surrounded by Nazi soldiers. Only one thing a Jew can do in that situation. Escape. Disguised as a Catholic priest.

German Soldier

Are you sure you're a real priest?

Stewie

Yeah, yeah... I can vouch for him. He's real. He's molested me many, many times.

Brian, Peter, Stewie and Mort have stolen a U-Boat and are trying to reach England to escape the Nazis. Brian is manning the sonar scope.

Brian

We're being pursued by two objects. Looks like one's another U-Boat.

[We hear the familiar ping of a sonar scope picking up a metallic object]

Brian

The other appears to be Terence Trent D'Arby.

[The ping morphs into the riff of the song Wishing Well]

Brace yourselves, Funnies fans. It's the first uncensored use of the C word in Family Guy. And wouldn't you know that it's been attributed to Winston Churchill?

Stewie

Ah! London in war time. This is history right here, Brian. And look! There's Winston Churchill. Maybe we'll get an up-close look at his legendary wit.

[We cut to WINSTON CHURCHILL having a discussion with BESSIE BRADDOCK MP]

Bessie Braddock

Urgh, Winston... drunk again I see.

Winston Churchill

Yeah? Well you're a c*nt!

[Editor's Note: I'm not sure why Winston Churchill has a Bostonian accent in this clip. Perhaps it was a bit of ad lib that made it into the final cut?]

Having been given a year's worth of free fuel, Peter buys a scrapped space shuttle. He uses it to go into orbit. I know, I know... but it's a cartoon and anything's possible. Right?

Peter

I'm back from space, everybody!

Lois

You got lucky, Peter.

Chris

How was it, Dad?

Peter

Oh... mind-boggling, Chris. Barrelling around the Earth at five miles per second, watching the sun rise over the sea of Japan, it's indescribable. Plus I had lots of time to masturbate which, in space, is great. Except after a while it's like living in a snow-globe.

Peter and his family are off on vacation. He's just commenced their journey when his cellphone rings. It's Quagmire. See if you can spot what's happening here!

Peter

All right, everybody... off we go. We are gonna have such a great time...

[PETER'S cellphone rings and he answers it]

Hello?

Quagmire

Hey, Peter! What's up?

Peter

Oh hey, Quagmire. Just taking the family on vacation.

Quagmire

Oh, that's good. Oh, hang on a second. I'm stuck behind some fat-ass driving too slow. COME ON, STUPID! MOVE IT!

[QUAGMIRE begins sounding the horn angrily]

Peter

Oh hang on, Quagmire. Some jerk behind me is honking his horn.

Quagmire

Oh, you should totally flip him off.

[PETER'S left arm appears out of the window, mid-digit extended towards the car behind him]

Oh, hang on a second. Some fat-ass just flipped me off. HEY, UP YOURS YOU JERK!

[He sounds the horn again]

Peter

Hang on, Quagmire. I gotta kick this guy's ass.

Quagmire

Yeah, I gotta kick this guy's ass.

Peter

Hey, I'll call you back after the fight.

Quagmire

Yeah, me too.

Peter

Good luck in yours.

Quagmire

Good luck in yours!

[Predictably, both cars screech to a halt in a lay-by and PETER and QUAGMIRE start punching the sh*t out of each other]

Brian, trying to compete with New Brian has decided to pay Chris a visit. Because it's moments like that which matter in a family. Stopping to talk, stopping to listen...

Brian

Hey, buddy.

Chris

Uh... hey!

Brian

I just wanted to check in with you. You know, sometimes life happens so fast... we miss the most important part which is sharing it.

Chris

Uh-huh.

Brian

Y'see, Chris... I care about you. And if there's ever anything you ever wanna talk about, or if you just want some company, I'm here for you. So? How's it hangin'?

Chris

Uh... okay.

Brian

Hey! What you got here? Oh, Maxim. That Jessica Biel sure is a cutie...

[BRIAN suddenly does the maths. The magazine, the box of Kleenex on the side, CHRIS with his back turned to him...]

You were masturbating when I came in.

Chris

Yeah.

Brian

So... how's it hangin' -

Chris

GET OUT!

Brian

Got ya.

New Brian has out-stayed his welcome. It's time for him to leave. He's just too wholesome, too perfect and it's putting Brian's big white nose out of joint.

Stewie

Hey! New Brian... bad news. You've gotta leave.

New Brian

Huh? What are you talkin' about? This is my home.

Stewie

Nobody likes you here, man.

New Brian

Well, I disagree. I think everybody likes me.

Stewie

No. We don't. We don't like your cooking, your stupid karaoke nights and we especially don't like the way you hump that chair in the den.

New Brian

Well... Rupert seems to like my humping.

Stewie

What did you say?

New Brian

Rupert. Humped him for two hours yesterday. He just laid there and took it.

Stewie

Did he?

New Brian

Yah. And now every time you're sleeping with him... he's gonna be thinking of me!

[After a short, awkward pause we cut to PETER reading out loud from a handwritten letter]

Peter

And that is why I killed myself, chopped myself up and put myself in the garbage.

Words fail me. I mean, during the miracle of childbirth, a woman might be described as "crowning" but I've never, EVER heard that word used to describe... well... this.

Peter

Hi. Is this where I get the "poop pass" to use the Executive Bathroom?

Manager

Sit down, Mr. Griffin. We need to talk.

Peter

Okay, well make it fast 'cos I'm startin' to crown!

Stewie has fallen head-over-heels in love with Suzie, the baby daughter of Joe and Bonnie Swanson. He's written her a song. A song called, predictably, Suzie.

Brian

What's it called?

Stewie

Suzie.

Brian

Wow! A song named after a girl. There aren't a million of those already.

Stewie

Name twenty.

Brian

Rosanna, Roxanne, Michelle, Alison, Sarah, Angie, Brandy, Mandy, Gloria, Cecilia, Maggie-May, Jessica, Nancy, Barbara-Ann, Billy-Jean, Layla, Lola, Polly, Helena, Jenny from the block.

Stewie

Name six more.

Brian

Sherry, Laura, Wendy, Maria, Peggy-Sue, Minnie the Moocher.

Stewie

Name five more.

Brian

Tracy, Jean, Jane, Mary-Ann, Eleanor Rigby.

[STEWIE throws his guitar violently to the floor]

Stewie

Go fu*k yourself!

[He storms out of the room]

We're back with Mr. Herbert (the local pervert) again. This time he's at the Quahog Derby where he thinks he's uncovered a goldmine of small boys. They are, in fact, diminutive jockeys.

Mr. Herbert

Hey there, little fella.

Jockey

I'm forty-eight.

Mr. Herbert

This whole place is a giant mind-fu*k!

Peter has volunteered to participate in medical experiments. He's been injected with the gay gene and he's suddenly a very different man to the one that Lois married.

Lois

Peter... are you... gay?

Peter

Guiltyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!

A vacancy has arisen on the Fox News team for a news anchor. Lois is being encouraged to audition.

Lois

Well, I did write for my college newspaper.

Peter

Yeah, didn't you do any interview with that fast-talking FedEx guy?

Lois

Yeah... I ended up dating him or three months.

[Cut to bedroom, LOIS lays next to the FedEx guy

FedEx Guy

That's a beautiful shade of lipstick. I bet you enjoy the music of Men at Work. You're incredibly foxy. Take off your shirt. Take off your pants. Wow what a body! That feels good. I'll give you a call. You'd better get tested.

Stewie is gay. There's no denying it. Which is weird since he's just a baby. And just when you thought it couldn't get any weirder, they go and write dialogue like this. I'm speechless.

Stewie

Hey, Lois. Little less yackety-yack, a little more cuttin' up my banana. What am I supposed to do... stick the whole thing in my mouth? I mean -

[He does just that]

Ooh, hello!

Lois is debating whether to run an exclusive on a possible gay relationship between Michael Moore and Rush Limbaugh.

Lois

But you didn't want me to do the story when it was gonna embarrass Michael Moore but you want me to do the story if it's gonna embarrass Rush Limbaugh

Stewie

Can you picture the two of those guys poking each other in the chops? Urgh! Be like sticking your arm in a backed-up sink. Imagine that. The two of them going at it? An over-sized Armani suit and an over-sized cheap windbreaker tossed casually on the floor. Next day at work Limbaugh finds a Detroit Tigers ball-cap up in there?

Brian

Stewie, shut up!

Stewie

What? It's just a weird image.

By popular demand, here is a carefully edited version of the Bag o' Weed song which, obviously, parodies Me ol' Bamboo from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.

♪

Stewie

Now everybody gather round and listen if you would,

when I tell you every person needs a way of feeling good.

Every kitty needs a ball of string and every dog a stick,

Ensemble

but all you need is a bag o' weed to really get a kick!

1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5 - 6 - 7 - 8!

A bag o' weed, a bag o' weed,

oh, everything is better with a bag o' weed.

It's the only hope that you'll ever need,

because everything is better with a bag o' weed.

Stewie

There you go, you're all getting it now!

Ensemble

When Texas people wanna feel good,

Stewie

they go assault a queer.

Ensemble

When stupid people need a thrill,

Stewie

they rent The Rocketeer.

Ensemble

When Michael Jackson needs a rush,

Stewie

he humps a guy like me.

Ensemble

RIGHT!

But all we need is a bag o' weed to keep us worry-free!

1 - 2 - 3 - 4

A bag o' weed, a bag o' weed,

oh, everything is better with a bag o' weed.

No, you don't need meth and you don't need speed,

'cos everything is better with a bag o' weed.

Stewie

Have a go, Brian.

Brian

As Mr. H. L. Mencken said, "The common man's a fool".

Stewie

And just like Helen Keller said, "Doof doo gee dee poh bool."

Brian

But try and use your heads and don't buy into all the fear,

Ensemble

HEY!

'cos all we need is a bag o' weed to make us want to cheer.

1 - 2... a bag of weed, a bag o' weed,

oh, everything is better with a bag o' weed.

You can try and fight, but we're all agreed,

Because everything is better with a bag o' weed.

1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5 - 6 - 7 - 8,

And a 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 and a 5 and a 6 and a 7, oh!

A bag o' weed, a bag o' weed,

oh, everything is better with a bag o' weed.

You're a happy guy when you plant the seed,

Because everything is better with a bag o' weed! Oh, everything is better with a bag o' weed!

Spike TV. Full of stuff men like.

V/O

Spike TV... full of stuff men like.

[We hear car tyres screeching during a burn-out, punches being exchanged during a fight, a toilet being flushed, a fart, a gun shot and a woman reaching orgasm]

Yeah! That stuff!

Gillian's fiancé is a real douche. He can speak French, catch dropped glasses before they hit the floor and heal injuries. Brian just hopes that he is hung like an elf.

Derek

Excuse me, I'm just gonna use the restroom really quick.

Brian

I... I'll go with you.

Stewie

Oh my God... gay!

Brian

Shut up, he's obviously some sort of super man... I just... I just need to know if he has any short-comings. It'll make me feel better.

Stewie

You are not even... you're going in there to look at... that's even gayer!

[BRIAN follows DEREK into the restroom and there's a short pause whilst, presumably, he takes up position at an adjacent urinal]

Brian

OH, COME ON!

It's like Magnum, P.I. but it's called Magnum, B.M. which I now realise stands for "Bowel Movement". This is going to be a very different kind of show.

V/O

We now return to Magnum, B.M.

[Cut to cartoon version of the famous show where THOMAS MAGNUM is approached by HIGGINS]

Higgins

Magnum, I've found a fingerprint smudge at the crime scene. Do you have poo on your hands?

[MAGNUM examines his hand briefly]

Magnum

A little.

[The Magnum, P.I. theme plays]