14 MP3 Audio clips from Season 6 of Family Guy (1999)

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Meg has offered to get Chris a job at the local convenience store. She's quite excited about the prospect of keeping it in the family.

Meg

You and I will be the best brother / sister team since Maggie and Jake Gyllenhaal.

[Cut to Gyllenhaal family home, MAGGIE and JAKE sat opposite each other at a dining table]

Maggie

I'm more off-putting.

Jake

No, I'm more off-putting.

Maggie

I'm more unattractive to put in a lead role.

Jake

Well, I'm a bigger box office drag.

[Their father, STEPHEN GYLLENHAAL, walks into the room]

Stephen

Kids, kids. You're both... just awful.

There's something decidedly familiar about the plot of Brian's debut novel, Faster Than the Speed of Love. Even Lois recognises it.

Lois

Oh hi, Brian. I... I thought you were spending the day with Gillian.

Brian

I was but Peter took her off my hands. Perfect timing... I've been feeling a little smothered lately. Plus, it's given me a chance to work on my novel. And I finally have a title.

Lois

Oh? What is it?

Brian

Faster Than the Speed of Love.

Lois

[Laughs]

That... that is... that is the worst title I have ever heard.

Brian

No, it... it's the story of a boy who has to rescue his father who's a pilot that's been taken captive by a militant Islamic country.

Lois

[Laughs]

But that's the movie Iron Eagle.

Brian

What?! Is that a recent film?

Lois

[Laughs]

No. They made three sequels!

Brian

Yeah, well in mine the boy's got to gather all these old World War II pilots to help him rescue his father.

Lois

[Laughs]

That's one of the sequels! Oh my God!

Brian

Well, in mine, one of the World War II guys is Japanese but they accept him anyway.

Lois

[Laughs]

I'm gonna pee my pants!

They say that every neighbourhood has one. And Mr. Herbert is Quahog's resident pervert. So when he sees Stewie on his Big Wheel, delivering papers, he can't help but pass comment.

Mr. Herbert

OshKosh B'gosh, it's a brand new paperboy. That's a mighty full sack you're carrying.

Stewie

P*ss off, you perverted old freak!

Mr. Herbert

Oh, we got a fighter!

I always thought that Betty Rubble held a flame for Fred Flintstone. It just took Family Guy to confirm it for me. Wait. What? Did I actually just type that? I need help, man.

Barney

Boy, great party huh, Fred?

Fred

Yeah, you know Barn... I figured I ought to tell you this. I was walking by your house the other day and, uh, I poked my head in the window and Betty was undressing. Uh, she saw me there but she didn't stop.

Barney

What?

Fred

She didn't stop. I mean, she saw me there lookin' at her and she kept undressing.

Barney

Whoa, whoa, whoa... you serious?

Fred

Yeah. I got an erocktion!

Joe has received a leg transplant. I know, I know but go with it, okay? Anyway, he's made love to Bonnie for the first time in ages. And he's socially awkward to boot.

Bonnie

Oh, Joe... that was amazing.

Joe

I know. I was there.

Bonnie

My God, we haven't done it in so long I'd forgotten how big you were.

Joe

I was going to say the same thing to you.

Peter stands accused of murdering Lois. Spoiler alert: it was actually Stewie. And Stewie has an analogy for just how guilty his father is.

Brian

Don't you kids buy any of this for a second. Your father is innocent.

Stewie

Oh he killed her. Just like the telephone killed the telegraph sex business.

[Cut to old-fashioned scene featuring a man sitting at a telegraph machine, tapping out a message]

Man

Hey, Baby. I bet you're hot. Stop. Describe to me what you're doing to yourself right now. Stop.

[The response is immediate]

Oh, yeah. Oh yeah. OH! NASTY!

Dirty Dancing is one of my favourite movies and I'm not ashamed to say it. Which is why I cut this clip short. This bit is funny but a cartoon version of Johnny Castle being buggered in prison? No.

Meg

I can't believe this is happening to our family.

Peter

It's taken us all by surprise, Meg. Like that realistic, original ending to Dirty Dancing.

[Cut to ballroom at Kellerman's. JOHNNY CASTLE is confronting JAKE HOUSEMAN about his decision to sit his daughter, BABY in the corner]

Johnny

Nobody puts Baby in a corner.

Jake

I do. Because I'm her father and she's sixteen. What are you? Like... thirty-eight?

Johhny

Forty-one.

[From nowhere, two police officers appear, bend JOHNNY over the table and handcuff him]

I don't get Islam. If you're a martyr, the Quran says that seventy-two virgins await your arrival in Heaven. Right? But why virgins? Surely promiscuous, experienced women would be better?

Peter

Ah, now see that's an even more beautiful sight than seventy-two virgins waitin' in heaven for a suicide bomber.

Suicide Bomber

HERE I AM!

[Cut to a nearby cloud where a load of geeky-looking male teenagers are using laptop computers]

Teen

We're playing Magic: The Gathering. Wanna join?

Suicide Bomber

OSAMA!

Stewie has bet Brian that he can become the most popular boy in High School. And he's on his way to winning. In fact, he's taking Connie D'Amico to Anal Point. No euphemism intended.

Stewie

Do you know that I've got a date with Connie D'Amico this Saturday night at Anal Point?

Brian

Ah, I've heard about that place.

Stewie

Really? What's it like because I have no idea.

Brian

Well, uh... I suppose if you imagine it like a parking space that you think, "Gosh, there's no way I'm gonna be able to fit in there." But then you fold in the side-view mirrors and... sure enough... well, look at that!

Stewie

Well, in that scenario it sounds like I'd rather be the parking space than the car.

Brian

Yeah, that's what I've always guessed!

Peter has never been liked by the Pewterschmidts. And now we know why. This is NOT the sort of thing to say at the altar before your family and friends. And a priest.

Lois

Ugh, my parents are not going to like this, Peter. You know, they're still angry at how you behaved at our wedding.

[Cut to interior of church on PETER and LOIS'S wedding day]

Priest

You may now kiss the bride.

Peter

Kiss her? I am gonna destroy her!

Stewie believes that Brian has finally made love to Lois. Yes, I know that Brian is a dog. And that makes it immoral, illegal and... well, pretty disgusting. But this is a cartoon. Okay?

Stewie

So, you finally did it, huh? Well... look, Brian. As your friend, I... I should tell you that that vagina is ground zero, man. I... I... I just wrecked that thing on the way out. And... and just to be a jerk, I carved "Brooks was here" in the wall. Did... did you see that? Did you see, "Brooks was here"?

Brian

We didn't have sex.

Stewie

'Course, what with Chris going before me I pretty much just walked out of there. Didn't even have to stoop over. There was even room to twirl a cane as I strolled.

Brian

You're exaggerating.

Stewie

Only a little bit. That's the messed-up thing.

Brian has the hots for the mother of one of Stewie's classmates. He's been hired by her to put on a magic show at her son's birthday. Brian is practising with Stewie.

Brian

Now, if I've done this right, then THIS is your card, Stewie.

Stewie

Really, Brian? Card tricks? That's what's gonna close the deal with this woman?

Brian

Well, yeah! Why not?

Stewie

You need more than that. You need an act. Listen, I'll be your assistant and we'll put on a whole big show.

Brian

Really?

Stewie

Yeah, we'll do all the great tricks. You can even split me in half.

Brian

What?

Stewie

Saw me in half!

Brian is 49 in dog years. Seven in human years. And somehow he still managed to sire a son who is now thirteen. I don't think that works, somehow.

Stewie

Well, Brian... a son. How about that?

Brian

My God, this is more uncomfortable than the goodbye in the Wizard of Oz.

[Cut to cartoon realisation of the seminal finale of the movie]

Dorothy

Goodbye, Tinman.

Tinman

Goodbye, Dorothy.

Dorothy

Goodbye, Lion.

Lion

Goodbye, Dorothy.

Dorothy

And I think I'll miss you most of all, Scarecrow.

Tinman

Oh. Okay. That's kind of an odd thing to say.

Lion

Yeah, sort of a weird comment right in front of all of us.

Tinman

I kinda thought this was a team effort.

Lion

Yeah, really... really glad I risked my life and everything.

Tinman

Yeah. You're like five minutes from gone and you leave with that?

Lion

Yeah.

Tinman

You know that's like cutting a huge fart and then walking out of the room. And that's how we'll remember you. As a big fart.

Lion

Goodbye, big fart!

No. I'm not being anti-Semitic. For reasons I won't bore you with, I can't possibly be anti-Semitic. The vet's name is Doctor Jewish. Okay? Good. Glad we got that straight.

Doctor Jewish

Mr. Griffin, I'm afraid your parrot is dead.

Peter

NOOOOOOOOOOOO! Did he at least die with dignity?

Doctor Jewish

Well, he convulsed a lot and fell off the operating table. Then he flopped around a little on the floor. Then a passing nurse accidentally stepped on him and kicked him into a puddle of urine. Which must have frightened him because his bowels released all over himself. I tried to pick him up but then I got angry because some of it got on my thumb. So I threw him against the wall and that's where he died.

Brian

That's the way I wanna go!