35 MP3 Audio clips from Season 4 of Family Guy (1999)

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Peter has impersonated Mel Gibson to give himself and Lois a second honeymoon in the actor's Park Barrington Hotel suite. And the facilities are mind-blowing.

Lois

Peter, the toilet paper is made of money.

Peter

Yeah, and look at this. They've even got some of that high-class British porn.

[Cut to a couple in bed, chins notably absent, making love whilst entirely obscured by the duvet]

Man

Almost, almost, almost, there we are!

Woman

Well done!

Chris has developed a crush on his English teacher, Mrs. Lockhart. Keen to nip this in the bud, Peter and Lois go to see her to explain.

Mrs. Lockhart

It's good to meet you Mr. and Mrs. Griffin.

Lois

Well, we wanted to talk to you about our son. You see, Chris really -

Peter

Lo, Lo, Lo, Lois, Lois... Honey, let's, uh... make sure we do this delicately, all right? Mrs. Lockhart, our son... would like... to plough you.

Peter has just discovered that Horace has put The Drunken Clam up for sale.

Peter

Oh, please tell me this is some kind of practical joke. Like, like the kind I used to play when I was an intern at the hospital.

[Cut to hospital waiting room where a man is standing, nervously. Peter enters wearing full surgical scrubs]

I'm afraid I have some very bad news. Your wife's gonna be a vegetable. You'll have to bathe her, feed her and care for her the rest of her life.

Man

Oh, my God!

Peter

No, no, no. I... I'm just kidding. She's dead.

Yep, Peter is convinced that he's great at delivering bad news. He was once even part of a Barbershop Quartet doing it for a living. Yikes. Is this too much? It is, isn't it?

Peter

I gotta knack for deliverin' bad news.

Doctor

I don't know how to tell you this, Mister Devani. So I'll let these guys do it.

[Enter PETER and three other men to form a Barbershop Quartet]

♪

Peter

You have AIDS.

Trio

Yes, you have AIDS.

Peter

I hate to tell you, boy that you have AIDS.

Trio

You got the AIDS.

Peter

You may have caught it when you stuck that filthy needle in here.

Trio

Or maybe all that unprotected sex won't you hear?

Peter

It isn't clear but what we're certain of is you have AIDS.

Trio

Yes, you have AIDS.

Peter

Not HIV but...

Ensemble

...full blown AIDS.Be sure that you see that this is not HIV. But full blown AIDS.

Trio

Not HIV but really...

Ensemble

...full blown AIDS.

Solo Baritone

I'm sorry I wish it was something less serious.

Ensemble

But it's AIDS. You've got the AIDS.

♪

Brian is rarely dignified in victory, especially when it comes to proving Peter wrong. So when Peter is diagnosed as being "retarded", it brings out the worst in Brian.

Brian

You know, Peter I hate to say I told you so about not being a genius but, uh... YEAH! IN YOUR FU*KING FACE, FU*KWAD!

Peter and Lois are driving home when their car meets with local news anchor Tom Tucker. And his lady friend.

Lois

PETER, LOOK OUT!

[PETER slams on the brakes and the car collides with something in the road]

Peter

Holy crap!

Lois

Oh my God. Mister Tucker. Are you all right?

Tom Tucker

Do I look like I'm all right? My back is broken and my leg is twisted.

Lois

Oh my God. Your hooker's dead.

Tom Tucker

Well, she was already dead but that doesn't excuse the... wait a minute. You're Peter Griffin. The retarded fellow.

Peter

Yeah.

Tom Tucker

Oh, well then don't worry about it.

Peter

Wait a minute, y... you mean you're not even gonna call the cops? Oh my God! I can get away with anything!

Nobody is safe from ridicule in Family Guy. Not even staple CBS news anchor Dan Rather who had an unfortunate whistle when he spoke.

Dan Rather

Good evening, I'm Dan Rather and tonight on CBS news, seven sorry soldiers sodomise several of Saddam's southern settlement squatters.

It's been a slow news day in Quahog. One minor lead story and really nothing else. Which is why Tom Tucker is struggling to pad out his preview slot.

Tom Tucker

The Bachelorette comes to Quahog in search of male contestants. Story at eleven. Well, actually, that was pretty much it. Oh, but there'll be other stuff, too. Look, I'm turning down the thermostat. See Diane's erect nipples at eleven.

You remember the paraplegic guy who talked through a wheelchair-mounted computer? Well, he's back. And this time he's after some poontang.

Producer

So, why would you be a good candidate on The Bachelorette?

Auditionee

I would be perfect for your show because I know how to talk dirty to the ladies. Oh, yes. Oh, yes. That feels so good. Spit in my mouth.

Brian has worms. He can't afford the medicine he needs and can't ask Peter or Lois for help. Stewie, on the other hand, has a fair point.

Brian

Please don't tell them.

Stewie

You know, perhaps you should worry a little less about your pride and a little more about the creepy crawlies shawshanking their way out of your balloon knot.

It's the eve of the big boat race and Peter would do almost anything to be on Carter's crew.

Peter

So, uh... Mister Pewterschmidt, the big, uh... race is tomorrow, huh? Bet you're gonna need some big strapping men to help you with your boat.

Carter

Are you calling me gay?

Peter

No, no... I just... I just thought you might want some extra seamen on your, uh... on, on, on yer poop deck.

[CARTER punches PETER to the ground]

Lois has finally realised that she has something to offer the world beside cooking and cleaning. She's going to become a model. And Peter couldn't be happier.

Lois

Look, it's a picture of us at the regatta.

Chris

Wow, Mom! You look pretty.

Lois

Thank you, Chris. I thought so, too. And you know what? I'm gonna take that chance my father never let me take when I was younger. I'm gonna become a model.

Peter

Hey, that's fantastic, Lois. And I'll pleasure myself to your photos.

Chris

Me, too!

Meg

Me, too!

Peter

Urgh! Oh... God, Meg! That's sick! That's your mother!

Meg

I'm just tryin' to fit in.

Peter

Get out! Get out of this house!

Peter is king of the back-handed compliment. In fact, I don't think this was a compliment at all. Back-handed or otherwise. It's an insult isn't it? Yeah.

Peter

Well, Lois. Look at you. You're like Britney Spears. Except you're not a fat guy.

Peter, Quagmire, Cleveland and Joe are shipwrecked on a desert island after their fishing boat was destroyed by Hurricane RuPaul.

Peter

[Sighs]

All right, fellas. We've been out here for months and we all know that men have certain needs. And being that there's no women around, we're gonna have to have an orgy.

[Cut to beach. PETER, QUAGMIRE, CLEVELAND and JOE are stacked up, naked]

Peter

Uh... anybody horny?

Quagmire

Nah.

Cleveland

No.

Joe

No.

Peter

Yeah, me neither. Er, and whoever's toe that is, uh, I appreciate your enthusiasm but, uh, I think you can stop.

Joe

Boy, I'm sure glad nobody's here to see this.

[With the blast of its horn, a cruise ships sails past]

Captain

And if you look off the left side of the ship, you'll see a bunch of homosexuals.

[He then repeats the same message in Spanish but substitutes the final word with the phrase, "fanny bandits"]

Ollie Williams is a recurring character who presents the BlaccuWeather Report on Channel 5 News. He's always out; risking his life in hurricanes, tornadoes and thunder storms.

Tom Tucker

In local news, we have more on the approach of Hurricane RuPaul which is working his or her way up the coast. Let's go live to Ollie Williams with the BlaccuWeather report. Ollie?

Ollie

IT'S RAININ' SIDEWAYS!

Tom Tucker

Sounds rough, Ollie. Do you have an umbrella?

Ollie

HAD ONE!

Tom Tucker

Where is it?

Ollie

INSIDE OUT, TWO MILES AWAY!

Tom Tucker

Is there anything we can do for you?

Ollie

BRING ME SOME SOUP!

Tom Tucker

What kind?

Ollie

CHUNKY!

Tom Tucker

All right, we'll get on that. Coming up next, a pig that refuses to eat Jews? After this.

Chris has joined the peace corps. and has ended up on a remote jungle island where he's married Loka, the eleven-year-old daughter of the tribe's Chief. It gets more sinister. Trust me.

Loka

This is a gift from all of us. Go ahead, try it on.

[She hands him a small loin cloth]

Chris

Oh, okay.

[CHRIS goes behind a tree to put it on and then reappears, naked save for the cloth]

Tribesman

Oh, my... Chris. We can see your genitals.

Chris

[CHRIS screams with embarrassment and covers himself up with his hand]

Tribesman

Just kidding! Everyone's genitals are hanging out.

Chris

Really?! [Laughs] Wow! This is just like bible camp. Only I'm not crying and trying to pretend I'm somewhere else.

Everyone remembers the closing scene of the Waltons. Well, here's Seth MacFarlane's take on it. And, of course, one of the kids is up to no good.

Mary-Ellen

Goodnight, Jim-Bob.

Jim-Bob

Goodnight, Mary-Ellen. Goodnight, Pa.

Pa

Goodnight, Jim-Bob. Goodnight, Elizabeth.

Elizabeth

Goodnight, Pa. Goodnight, Ma.

Ma

Goodnight, Elizabeth. Goodnight, John-Boy.

[There is no reply]

Goodnight, John-Boy.

[Footsteps are heard as MA goes to JOHN-BOY'S room to investigate. She opens the door and switches on the light]

John-Boy?

John-Boy

Damnit! Can't a guy masturbate in this house?

PTV is on the air because Peter is sick of the FCC censoring everything. Which means, of course, that he needs to devise and produce some bespoke programming.

Quagmire

Welcome to Midnight Q. Tonight we're gonna enjoy the smooth jazz of Charles Mingus, Norman Mailer is here to read an excerpt from his latest book and we also have a girl from Omaha who's hiding a banana and we'll find out where. Giggity-giggity, giggity-goo. Stick around!

It's time for another big musical number. The subject of this one? The Federal Communications Commission. You know, the ones who won't let you say bum, boobies or poo on the TV.

♪

Peter

They will clean up all your talkin' in a manner such as this.

Brian

They will make you take a tinkle when you wanna take a p*ss.

Stewie

And they'll make you call fellatio a trouser-friendly kiss.

Ensemble

Here's the plain situation, there's no negotiation,

Peter

with the fellas at the freakin' FCC.

Brian

They're as stuffy as the stuffiest of Special Interest Groups.

Peter

Make a joke about your bowels and they order in the troops.

Stewie

Any baby with a brain could tell them everybody poops.

Ensemble

Take a tip, take a lesson, you'll never win by messin',

Peter

with the fellas at the freakin' FCC.

And if you find yourself with some young sexy thing.

You're gonna have to do her with your ding-a-ling. 'Cos you can't say penis.

So they sent this little warning, they're prepared to do their worst.

Brian

And they stuck it in your mailbox hoping you could be coerced.

Stewie

I can think of quite another place they should have stuck it first.

Ensemble

They may just be moronic, or possibly psychotic, they're the fellas at the freakin' FCC!

♪

When you mess with the FCC, there can be far-reaching consequences. They may, for example, decide to invade your house and censor everything that you say and do. Probably not though.

Lois

Peter, you brought this on yourself by putting on those filthy shows.

Peter

Oh, Lois, you are so full of -

[An FCC official appears and sounds an airhorn to cover the curse word]

What?! Now I can't say [BEEP] in my own [BEEP] house? [BEEP] great, Lois. Just [BEEP] great. You know, you're lucky you're good at [BEEP] my [BEEP] or I'd never put up with you. You know what I'm talking about. When you [BEEP] lubed up [BEEP] toothpaste in my [BEEP] cherry [BEEP] Episcopalian [BEEP] extension cord [BEEP] wetness [BEEP] with a parking ticket. That is the best!

Just when you thought Family Guy couldn't stoop any lower... it does. Often. Here we have Steve and Helen, two wheelchair-bound paraplegics who happen to be married. Arguing. And then having sex.

Helen

You were supposed to get potato chips, you jackass.

Steve

Damnit, Helen. Get the hell off my back or so help me. So help me.

Man

Don't worry. I hear they have great make-up sex.

Steve

Oh, oh, oh, oh.

Helen

That feels so good.

Steve

Oh, yeah.

Helen

Ohhhhh!

Steve

Like that.

Helen

Oh, baby.

Steve

I've thought about this all day. Oh!

Helen

Uh.

Steve

Oh.

Helen

Oh.

Steve

Oh.

Helen

Uh.

Steve

Uh.

Helen

Not so fast. You are hurting me.

Lois calls her father at the Country Club to ask about her secret sibling. How is he going to wriggle out of this one? Easy. There's a man who can at every Country Club. This one is called Dick.

Lois

I had a question I wanted to ask. Um... do I have a brother?

Carter

Uh, uh, uh... NO! No. Don't... don't be silly.

Lois

'Cos I found this picture -

Carter

Uhhhhh, uhhhhhh, oh, Dick! Thank God you're here. Talk to her.

[CARTER hands the phone to D*CK]

Dick

Message CM27. The subscriber you are trying to reach is unavailable or outside the calling area.

[He hangs up]

Carter

What do you feel like doing later?

Dick

Message CM42. Let's go pay some hookers to knock our junk around.

I'll leave it to your imagination to decide exactly what Barbara was doing to Jackie Gleason. It can't possibly be as dirty as what I was imagining when I was transcribing this clip.

Chris

Why do you live in a crazy house, Uncle Patrick?

Patrick

Well, when I was just a little boy I had a very traumatic experience.

[Flashback cutaway to PATRICK as a child]

Young Patrick

Mommy? Can I have a drink of water?

[He approaches and opens the door to his parents' bedroom. Upon doing so we see his mother doing something unspeakable to JACKIE GLEESON]

[Gasps]

Jackie Gleason?!

Jackie Gleason

Beat it, kid. Your mother's busy. Homina, homina, homina, homina, HOMINA, HOMINA... POW! Right in the kisser.

If they made Jaws V and, for some reason, cast a really camp shark in the title role (can sharks even be camp?) then this is what it might look like. Enjoy.

V/O

And now, back to Jaws V... Fire Island.

Mark

You think we should be this far out?

Swimmer

Stop worrying, Mark. We'll be fine.

[A decidedly camp shark appears from the bottom of the frame, looking up at the two swimmers]

Shark

Hey! I'm gonna eat y'all. I'm gonna eat that hairy leg. I'm gonna eat that one, too. Oh, I can see right up them shorts. I got a whole bunch of rows of teeth to chew you with.

[He imitates the music from Jaws]

Oh, now wait a minute. I did have a chubby kid on a raft earlier today. It's okay, though. I've been swimming a lot lately. Mmmmmm. Yummy. Mmmmmm.

You've got to love the dynamic between Tom Tucker and his co-anchor Diane Simmons. I mean, they really loathe each other and don't even try to hide it. Marvellous!

Diane Simmons

Also in the news, some trouble at St. Phillip's Church.

Tom Tucker

That's right, Diane. A shipment of tainted Holy Water could put some local babies in jeopardy.

Diane Simmons

Sounds dangerous, Tom. Be careful next time you're at confession telling the priest about cheating on your wife with that Filipino drag queen.

Tom Tucker

Well, at least you're in no danger, Diane since you only visit church to leave your self-delivered, unwashed, half-dead newborns on the back step. Coming up, how to turn your unwanted change into folding money.

Stewie is undergoing a diaper change inside a plastic box in which he has to live. Long story. To cut it short, Brian makes a silly comment and Stewie fires something back. Comedy gold.

Brian

I see London, I see France, I see Stewie's unsightly chapped ass!

Stewie

Hey... Gaybo. I'm up here. Up here!

Peter has founded the Church of Fonz. This doesn't please his devoutly Catholic father, Francis at all. And Francis thought that Peter couldn't embarrass him more than he did at Mary's wedding...

Francis

Peter! Your religion is an abomination. I never thought you could ever embarrass me more, in a church than you did at your cousin, Mary's wedding.

Priest

And if anyone knows of any reason why these two should not be married, let him speak now.

Peter

Really? Nobody's gonna speak up? I'm the one who's gonna have to say it.

[Sighs]

All right. GENITAL WARTS!

It's Frank Sinatra Junior, Brian and Stewie performing as the New Ratpack. It's swing with a little blue twist. If you catch my drift.

♪

Frank

How I love a girl who's flawless.

Stewie

Even better when she's bra-less.

Ensemble

But the thing that tops it all is when we swing.

Frank

And how I love a glass of Jack.

Stewie

Or anything with Robert Stack.

Ensemble

But the girls we romance can't stay out of our pants when we swing.

Brian

Yesterday had got me feelin' kind of blue.

Stewie

So you left and we replaced you with a Jew.

Jew

Ladies -

Stewie

You're fired.

Jew

Oy!

Frank

We love it when the ladies squeeze us.

Brian

That's an easy way to please us.

Ensemble

But we feel like freakin' Jesus when we swing.

Brian

I love the work of Allen Funt.

Stewie

Or a nicely shaven leg.

Ensemble

But nothing compares to the feeling that we get. No nothing compares to the feeling we get when we swing.

I won't bore you with HOW this came to happen but Tom Brody is showering at the Griffin residence. Lois and Meg have drilled a spy-hole into the bathroom and are admiring the view.

Meg

Mom, let me look!

Lois

Meg, stop shovin'! You wouldn't even know what to do with it.

Meg

He's closer to my age, you cow!

Stewie

What the hell is this?

Lois

Oh... hi, Stewie. We... we were just leavin'.

Stewie

I say, what the devil is all the fuss about? I don't get it. What's in there?

[He puts his eye to the spyhole]

BING-BONG! HELLO!

And the award for the sickest joke of the show so far goes to this one. Jesus. Sorry. Didn't mean to blaspheme but it's the only word that fits this particular scenario.

Brian

So, what happened with that kid on the playground?

Stewie

He won this round, Brian but I'm going back tomorrow. And when I've carried out my plan he won't know what hit him. Like that baseball team that Peter coached.

[Flashback cutaway to PETER standing with a group of Little League players. Next to him is a man who resembles a hobo.]

Peter

Well, kids... just when I thought we'd never find an assistant coach, I ran into this drifter hanging out near the elementary school playground. He's got a clown costume in his trunk so we know he's good with kids. And pictures of boys in their underwear so, uh... he's probably had some medical training. Well, I'm gonna take off while he fits you for cups in that window-less supply shed. See ya.

Has there ever been a more inappropriate clandestine name for a spy than "Deep Throat"? No. Almost certainly not.

Brian

Thank you for coming, Deep Throat.

Deep Throat

You'll understand if I don't come out from the shadows. My identity will be safest if you never see my face.

Brian

Uh... okay.

Deep Throat

Mayor West hasn't slept at home for three nights.

Brian

Kermit the Frog?

Deep Throat

[Gasps]

Somebody talked! No-one is safe. I'm gettin' outta here. Yaaaaay!

"Play me off, Johnny!" Yes, you too can now enjoy this piece of music as a ringtone. You're welcome!

Peter has written an erotic novel. He's approaching Carter Pewterschmidt for funding to publish it and make his fortune.

Carter

[Answering the door]

What do you want, Homo?

Peter

Listen, uh... Mister Pewterschmidt? You're a businessman. I'm a businessman. And I've got a proposal that I guarantee you can't refuse. See, I wrote this erotica book and I was hoping you could loan me seven billion dollars to publish it.

Carter

How about I loan you five dollars? It's at the bottom of this jar of barbed wire and salt.

Peter

[Putting his hand into the jar and immediately cutting his hand, screams]

Ow! Ow! Why do you keep these things together?!

Popeye. He's always been a little... odd, hasn't he? Well what if modern medical science could explain some of his idiosyncrasies?

Doctor

Sir, I think you should know... these growths on your forearms... they're giant tumours.

Popeye

[Incomprehensible] Oh dear!

Doctor

Yah, I'm surprised you haven't realised this is not how a human being is supposed to look.

Popeye

[Incomprehensible]

Doctor

And the speech thing and what you're doing with your eye? Uh, you had a stroke about seven years ago.

Popeye

[Incomprehensible]

Doctor

That you've managed to be walking around all this time is nothing short of a miracle.

Popeye

[Incomprehensible]

Doctor

I'd say about two months.

Alyssa has promised Chris that if he destroys Brian's petition, he can feel her breasts.

Chris

I think I made Brian crazy. Maybe I shouldn't have burned that petition.

Alyssa

Oh no, Chris. You did the right thing. It's only a matter of time before Mayor West signs that bill and you'll get to touch these.

[She indicates her breasts]

Chris

Oh, boy. I gotta feeling that before the end of the day I'm gonna be burying my dog.

Alyssa

Whoa, whoa! I said you could touch my boobs. Let's start with that!