35 MP3 Audio clips from Season 3 of Family Guy (1999)

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Brian has gone to see his therapist (Bruce) to work on his issues.

Bruce

Why don't you do some volunteer work?

Brian

That makes sense. Volunteeer work? Thanks, Bruce.

Bruce

You still have thirteen more minutes.

Brian

Oh. Do I? Hmm. I, uh... I noticed you've got a new receptionist.

[Laughs]

Nice little body on her, huh?!

Bruce

That's my daughter.

Brian

Well, we could probably call this an early day, huh?

The Happy-Go-Lucky Toy factory hold an annual family day. And some of the organised events during those days... I don't know where to begin.

Peter

Oh this is my favourite event! Catch the Greased-Up Deaf Guy.

Mr. Weed

GO!

Deaf Guy

You're never gonna catch me! You're wasting your time! Forget about it! Go do something else! See you all next year!

Brian has been recruited as a sniffer dog for the Quahog Police. Stationed at the airport, he's tackling the drug importation problem one passenger at a time.

Quagmire

Hey hey, Brian! What's with the Johnny Law routine?

Joe

Say hello to our newest narc. He's a natural.

Quagmire

Oh, yeah? How... how good are you?

Brian

[Sniffs]

You're back from Manilla. You had Lumpia for dinner. And then you made love to two Filipino women.

[Sniffs]

And a man.

Quagmire

You mean three Filipino women.

[The realisation dawns]

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

I'm not saying that Quagmire is shallow, inappropriate, predatory and promiscuous but...

Quagmire

Hey, Meg. Eighteen yet?

Meg

No.

Quagmire

Hey, Chris. How are you?

Chris

Well, I'm glad I -

Quagmire

- All right!

Brian has accidentally found himself making pornographic movies and he's been nominated for an award. Not THIS award. No. This is for best adult movie score. If you'll pardon the pun.

Host

The next award is for Best Original Score in an Adult Film. And the nominees are... Ron Jones...

[Cue: Stereotypical pornographic movie score]

Walter Murphy...

[Cue: Stereotypical pornographic movie score]

and John Williams.

[Cue: Typical dramatic John Williams blockbuster score]

After the awards, a sleazy producer approaches Lois as she and Peter are enjoying drinks and canapés.

Producer

You gotta nice wiggle, Baby. You wanna be in a movie, huh? Little girl-girl action, maybe?

Lois

[Gasps]

Peter!

Peter

Sheesh. Good luck, buddy. I've been barkin' up that tree for seventeen years!

Children are apt to ask questions. Here, Chris and Peter are discussing whales. Specifically, the purpose of the blow-hole. I think you know where this is going..!

Chris

Dad... what's the blowhole for?

Peter

I'll tell you what it's not for, son. And when I do, you'll understand why I can never go back to Sea World.

Richard Keith Armey is a former politician and economist. With probably the worst name in either arena. Dick Armey. I can't really blame Peter for laughing. What were his parents thinking?!

Peter

Uh, e... excuse me? Uh... A... Al Gore? George W Bush?

Al Gore

Yes?

George W Bush

Yes?

Peter

Oh, great. Uh... a... and what's your friend's name?

Al Gore

Dick Armey.

Peter

[Laughs]

No, seriously. What's his name?

Al Gore

Dick Armey.

Peter

[Laughs]

The Happy-Go-Luck Toy Company has been bought out by a tobacco conglomerate and Peter has been promoted. As a sweetener, the company has paid Martha Stewart herself to wait on the Griffin family.

Lois

Oh, God. What have I done? I knew smokin' was bad but... but I still sold my soul. And for what? Martha Stewart? Come on, kids. We gotta put a stop to this. NOW!

[The family rush out of the door leaving MARTHA STEWART standing in the living room, alone]

Martha

[Sighs]

Finally!

[She lets out a long, musical fart and sighs with relief]

With a definite nod to My Fair Lady, Eliza Pinchley has captivated Stewie and he decides that he must turn her into a lady. The process begins with elocution lessons.

Stewie

No, no, no! If you're ever going to be a lady, you must learn to speak like one. Now try it again. The life of the wife is ended by the knife.

Eliza

[In an exaggerated cockney accent]

The life of the w -

Stewie

No, no, no, not LOIFE. LIFE! LIFE!

Eliza

That's what I said! LOIFE!

Stewie

Now listen to me you tin-eared piece of baggage, we've got five days left and I'll not lose my wager. Now repeat after me... Hello, mother. Have you hidden my hatchet?

Eliza

'Ello, muvver. 'Ave you 'idden my 'atchet?

Stewie

Oh, God no it's a aitch sound, you moron. Aitch! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha -

Eliza

Ew, your breath smells like kitty litter!

Stewie

I was curious!

Poor Meg. She's made it to the flag girl squad for the school's football team but Stewie can't even let her make that announcement without p*ssing on her strawberries.

Meg

Hey, everybody! Guess what I am.

Stewie

Oh, the... end result of a drunken backseat grope-fest and a broken prophylactic?

Lois: Mother. Wife. Psycho.

Lois

See, Meg? I'm like one of those Bald Eagles you see on the Discovery Channel. Beautiful to look at but mess with one of my chicks and I'll use my razor-sharp talons to rip your fu*king eyes out. Cookies are done! Who wants chocolate chip?

Stewie

Mmmm, I do! But... but keep talking. All this stuff about eye-gouging has got me all frisky. Really, I've got about a half-a-pack of Rolaids in my diaper!

It's Lois and Peter's anniversary. They're not exchanging gifts this year. They're just spending a romantic day together. And you know what that means don't you?

Lois

This year, instead of exchanging gifts, I told him it'd be nice if we could just spend a romantic day together.

Stewie

Oh dear, I think we all know what that means. Boiiing! Gross.

New Yorkers. Loud, hairy and they can go fornicate themselves. With an iron stick.

Diane Simmons

Tonight's top story, Quahog is infested. With loud, hairy creatures also known as "New Yorkers."

Tom Tucker

They migrate North every autumn to see the foliage. And I think I speak for all of us when I say that New York and everyone from there can fornicate themselves with an iron stick!

Lois has taken up Jujitsu. She's really cutting loose. A bit like Mary Poppins. Apparently.

Bonnie

Wow! You're doing great for your first lesson!

Lois

I'm really cutting loose. Just like Julie Andrews in that movie where she showed her breasts.

[Cut to bedroom of JANE and MICHAEL BANKS from Mary Poppins]

Michael

Oh, Mary. You'll never leave us, will you?

[MARY POPPINS, her back to camera, opens her blouse to show the children her breasts]

Michael

Yes, those are lovely but it doesn't quite answer our question.

Lois, energised and angry launches Stewie from a swing and he lands in the pram of a girl his own age.

Stewie

Argh! Oof!

[Sniffs the air]

Urgh, I smell a messy diaper. God, why does that turn me on?!

Stewie is the king of inappropriate comments. He's at a funeral and he's checking out the other infant mourners.

Stewie

I'd do her, do her, wouldn't do her, who hasn't done her? Do her, lose the pig-tails and we'll talk, do her, do her...

Peter is going through a "career transition" but unbeknown to Lois, the latest transition is a prostitute.

Lois

Meg, you father's goin' through a bit of a career transition. He's just sampling a few things. Searching for something that fits him just right.

[Gasps and slams on the brakes]

Brian

Well, clearly it's not that tube top.

Peter

Hey! Lookin' for a good time, sweet cheeks?

Meg

Oh... my God.

Lois

Peter! Get in the car.

Peter

Okay, but it'll cost ya. Whadda you want, a Cleveland Steamer?

Lois

I said GET IN THE CA... what's a Cleveland Steamer?

Brian

It means that he'll -

Peter

Whoa, whoa, whoa! Be cool. Be cool.

It's the Renaissance Fair. Local news anchors Diane Simmons and Tom Tucker are there to report on events.

Diane Simmons

Well, it's an exciting day for all here at the Renaissance Fair Jousting Meet. Wouldn't you say, Tom?

Tom Tucker

Diane, I'd say it was a perfect day if you weren't reminding us all of our grandmother's cleavage.

I really don't think that Police Auctions sells things like this. I mean what would anyone, apart from Glenn Quagmire want with a prostitute's soiled panties?

Auctioneer

Welcome! We open today's bidding with this pair of panties, confiscated from a prostitute.

Quagmire

Fifty bucks!

Auctioneer

She had nine STDs.

Quagmire

Forty-five bucks!

Auctioneer

And when we caught her, she wet herself.

Quagmire

Fifty bucks!

Lois has a sister. Carol. Carol is pregnant. And for reasons I shan't bore you with, Peter ends up delivering the poor little mite.

Peter

Oh my God!

Lois

What? What?

Peter

It's a beautiful baby girl.

Carol

Ooh, a baby girl. I'm so happy.

Peter

But she has a penis. Oh, we'll have to do somethin' about that.

[Produces a scalpel]

Lois

PETER! NO! It's a boy!

Brian is helping Peter to erect a cot for the baby that he and Lois plan to have. Brian is reading out the instructions and Peter is doing the slotting together. Presumably because he has thumbs.

Brian

Okay... insert Rod Support A into Slot B.

Peter

That's what -

Brian

If you say "that's what she said" one more time, I'm gonna pop you.

Chris has been invited to Barbara's birthday party. He's pretty besotted. And he wants to buy her a really nice gift. Perhaps Meg can help him to choose something appropriate.

Chris

I wanna get Barbara a really nice gift. What kind of gifts have boys gotten for you, Meg?

Meg

Oh, well... my boyfriend Prince William got me this beautiful watch and this diamond tiara and this wonderful sceptre.

[She breaks down into hysterical crying]

Stewie

She needs to get laid... BIG time!

The Griffins have been relocated to the Deep South under the Witness Protection Scheme. Stewie has been introduced to the banjo. He couldn't be happier.

Stewie

Oh! I feel so deliciously white trash. Mommy, I want a mullet!

Peter really sucks at interviews. It's a miracle that he has a job, considering the answers he gives to certain questions.

Peter

Ah, I don't know, Brian. Maybe Lois is right. Maybe it is time for me to get a job.

Brian

Yeah, too bad you always blow it in the interview.

[Cut to interior of office. PETER is being interviewed for a job]

Interviewer

So, Peter. Where do you see yourself in five years?

Peter

[Inner monologue having spotted a family portrait]

Don't say "doin' your wife." Don't say "doin' your wife." Don't say "doin' your wife."

[Aloud]

Peter

Doin' your... son?

Stewie wouldn't be Stewie if he weren't angry, belligerent, sarcastic and mildly threatening. Here's a great little message tone to prove it.

Stewie

I am going to kick your ass!

Seabreeze is Carter Pewterschmidt's prize-winning pure-bred racing dog. And she certainly gets Brian's pulse racing. So when they go to see her run, he can't help himself.

Lois

What's Brian doing?

Meg

Oh... my God.

Carter Pewterschmidt

He's violating Seabreeze!

Peter

No, no he's just awkwardly positioning himself... now he's violating Seabreeze.

Stewie

[Vocalises a "Wah wah" song of the kind you'd expect to find in a low-budget 1970s porn film]

Who comes up with stuff like this? Seth MacFarlane, that's who. And it's funny. Sort of. Just goes to prove... comedy knows no limits and has no morals.

Voice-over

We now return to Touched by an Angel.

Prosecutor

Now, where exactly did the Angel touch you?

Little Boy

[Pointing to the crotch of a doll]

Here.

Angel

Oh, come on! Who you gonna believe? I got a freakin' halo!

Lawyer

Shh, shh, shh, shh.

Angel

Argh!

You know what I just said about comedy knowing no limits and having no morals? Well, here's another example.

Tom Tucker

Hello and welcome to the Quahog Special Peoples' Games. I'm Tom Tucker.

Diane Simmons

And I'm Diane Simmons. It's a great day to be alive, Tom. Able-bodied or not.

Tom Tucker

It sure is, Diane. Today we'll see some of Quahog's finest athletes struggle valiantly against God's twisted designs. You'll cheer, you'll cry. You might even get a cheap laugh or two.

Diane Simmons

I know I will, Tom. In fact, there's the distinct possibility that by the end of the day, we'll all be going to Hell.

Tom Tucker

I'll see you there, Diane.

Diane Simmons

Oh, it sounds like the opening ceremonies have begun. There are the paraplegics. Followed by the blind team.

Tom Tucker

Still no sign of the deaf team, I notice.

[Cut to dormitory where alarm clocks are sounding, phones ringing and people are hammering on the door as a group of people sleep soundly]

Voice

Hey, you guys are gonna be late!

Maybe they're not in there!

A paraplegic athlete who speaks with the aid of a wheelchair-mounted computer is mocking Joe for his dismal efforts in the Long Jump.

Athlete

That was pathetic. Tell your wife to come over to my place if she wants a little boom shakalakalalaka, boom shakalakalalaka, boom shakalakalalaka, boom!

When I first heard this gag I nearly spat a mouthful of coffee all over the carpet. But then I realised what Peter meant by "anal".

Peter

Just don't forget our deal, Lois. I sit through this and later tonight, I get anal. You hear me? No matter how neat I want the house, you have to clean it.

Christmas. It's a time for family. A time for rejoicing and sharing in food and gifts. And a time for wearing embarrassing sweaters you wouldn't usually be seen dead in.

Lois

Brian, you're not wearing the sweater I made you.

Brian

Uh, w... well, it's a little warm in here, you know?

Lois

Don we now our gay apparel.

Brian

[Reluctantly putting on the sweater]

Doesn't get much gayer than this!

Something tells me that Stewie isn't too impressed with plans to make him into a child star.

Stewie

Oh, yes, yes. By all means turn me into a child star. Perhaps I can move to Californ-i-a and wrangle me a three-way with the Olsen twins.

Throwing yourself at the mercy of your neighbours isn't always a bad thing. Except when it's their anniversary and they're going at it like a sewing machine.

Peter

I really appreciate you putting me up, Cleveland.

Cleveland

Our house is your house, Peter. I'd sit here and chat with you but I need to get back upstairs to Loretta because it's our anniversary and the gettin's good.

[Cut to night, PETER lies awake in bed listening to CLEVELAND literally being "banged" by Loretta]

You remember Buffalo Bill from The Silence of the Lambs, right? That weirdo holding Senator Martin's daughter hostage in an abandoned well? Here's Stewie's impression of him. And it's chilling.

Stewie

It rubs the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again!