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30 MP3 Audio clips from Season 2 of Family Guy (1999)

Family Guy is one of the longest running (and arguably the funniest) cartoon shows ever to come out of the USA. It follows the dysfunctional Griffin family; Peter, Lois, Meg, Chris, Stewie and their talking dog Brian as they survive life in a small Rhode Island town. Expect filth, cursing, sick jokes and twisted animation. All the things we really love, huh?!

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Timestamp: 2024-01-08 | Added: 2020-05-03
Family Guy

Family Guy | Season 2

© 1999 20th Century Fox Television

Family Guy is one of the longest running (and arguably the funniest) cartoon shows ever to come out of the USA. It follows the dysfunctional Griffin family; Peter, Lois, Meg, Chris, Stewie and their talking dog Brian as they survive life in a small Rhode Island town. Expect filth, cursing, sick jokes and twisted animation. All the things we really love, huh?!

UPDATED: | CLIPS: 637

WARNING: ADULT CONTENT!

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Clip 1

S02 E02: "Holy Crap!"

Only Family Guy can make something like the suggestion of incest in The Brody Bunch funny and get away with it. Don't believe me? Just listen!

Download Clip 0169-20 to your PC / Mac  

Peter

Well, now that he's retiring, me and him can finally spend some time together. I want us to have one of those father son moments like on TV. You know? Where we hug and the music goes, "La la laaaaaa."

[A band magically appear in the living room and play an orchestral version of PETER'S melody]

Thanks, boys. Just like that.

Brian

Hey, can you guys do that fluttery thing like when the Brady kids run down the stairs?

[The band launch into just such a tune and, as if by magic, the BRADY KIDS come running down the stairs. Last to reach the bottom, CINDY BRADY says something beyond creepy.]

Cindy Brady

I don't wanna tattle but is Bobby really a doctor?!

[To make the suggestion of incest a little more palatable, the trombonist produces a comedy sound]

Clip 2

S02 E02: "Holy Crap!"

Francis is a devout Roman Catholic who abhors the very notion of masturbation. Which, for the record, is NOT what Chris was doing in the bathroom.

Download Clip 0169-21 to your PC / Mac  

[FRANCIS GRIFFIN pounds on the bathroom door]

Francis

OPEN THIS DOOR! OPEN IT, I SAY!

[The flush is heard and CHRIS opens the door]

Chris

Sorry, Grandpa. Uh... you might wanna give that a minute or two!

Francis

I know what you're doin' in there. And it's a SIN! If you ever do it again, you'll burn in HELL!

Chris

But I do it every day. Sometimes twice.

Francis

Mark my words, Lad. You may think you're alone in there but God's watchin'. DON'T DO IT AGAIN!

[FRANCIS storms off]

Chris

God's watching me do number two?! Oh, man. I'm a sinner and God's a pervert.

Clip 3

S02 E02: "Holy Crap!"

Tom Tucker and Diane Simmons are the anchors on Quahog 5 News. It's a show packed with news, filth and innuendo!

Download Clip 0169-22 to your PC / Mac  

Diane Simmons

Well, Tom... the city of Boston is examining its conscience tonight in preparation for a visit from the Pope.

Tom Tucker

That's right, Diane. And I'll tell you what else will be examined...

[He reaches under the desk and produces a rooster]

This c*ck. Yes, the Rhode Island C*ck Society will be sponsoring free check-ups for this year's C*ck Awareness Week. Don't know why they went with such a suggestive name, they could have just as easily gone with rooster. Diane?

Clip 4

S02 E02: "Holy Crap!"

Stewie has been reading the bible and he's really quite enjoyed it. It has all of his favourite things in it. Plague, pestilence, death and cruelty.

Download Clip 0169-23 to your PC / Mac  

Stewie

My, my... what a thumping good read. Lions eating Christians, people nailing each other to two by fours. I say! You won't find that in Winnie The Pooh!

Clip 5

S02 E04: "Brian in Love"

Chris is on the phone, apparently talking dirty to some woman. And that much is true. Except that woman is his... it's his... his... his Gran. Sorry.

Download Clip 0169-24 to your PC / Mac  

Chris

So, uh... what are you wearin'?

[Laughs coquettishly]

Wow, I bet you can see right through that!

Lois

Chris, who are you talking to?

Chris

Grandma.

Clip 6

S02 E04: "Brian in Love"

Not being Catholic, I had no idea that it would be so difficult to find a toilet training book suitable for a child which also carries the messages of Catholicism. Wow!

Download Clip 0169-25 to your PC / Mac  

Peter

Yeah, uh... I'm looking for toilet-training books.

Bookstore Clerk

Oh, yes. We can help you there. Uh, "Everybody Poops" is still the standard, of course. Uh, we've also got the less popular, "Nobody Poops But You" -

Peter

Ha! Well, y'see, we're Catholic so, uh...

Bookstore Clerk

Oh! Then you want, "You're a naughty child and that's concentrated evil coming out the back of you.".

Peter

Perfect!

Clip 7

S02 E04: "Brian in Love"

Brian has been peeing on the rug and blaming it on Stewie. But when the family pay a visit to a store and Brian's bladder lets him down, the truth is revealed in glorious, er... yellow I guess.

Download Clip 0169-26 to your PC / Mac  

Peter

Hey, what's that sound?

Stewie

You're urinating! So, it's been you all ALONG!

[Laughs]

Oh this is too perfect! I've been taking the blame for Rex!

Meg

Eew, it's everywhere!

Lois

It's okay. Meg, hand me my sweater.

Peter

Jeez, Brian. Where you think you are? Payless?!

Stewie

I say! I say! Paco! Grab a mop! God's sake, will somebody get Patches the hell out of here before he decides to bend a fresh biscuit on the conveyor belt?

Lois

Shhhh. It's okay. We'll meet you in the parking lot.

Clip 8

S02 E04: "Brian in Love"

There are words to describe just how wrong this clip is. I mean, I laughed. Sure. Who wouldn't? But it's wrong. TERRIBLY wrong.

Download Clip 0169-27 to your PC / Mac  

Tom Tucker

And now part two of our very own Asian correspondent Tricia Takanawa's special report on sex.

[Cut from studio to a bedroom in which TRICIA is ready to do a piece to camera]

Tricia

Tom, I'm standing in the bedroom of Judy and Glenn Isaacs. Ten years married and still in love. What's their secret? Judy has an inoperable brain tumour the size of my fist and that just happens to be Glenn's fetish.

Clip 9

S02 E04: "Brian in Love"

The very last thing Brian probably needed to see at his therapist's office was Jake Tucker, son of Tom Tucker and tragically afflicted with an upside-down face.

Download Clip 0169-28 to your PC / Mac  

Tom Tucker

Look, I know Stacey isn't your mother but upside-down face or not, you have to respect her.

Brian

Hey... you're Tom Tuck -

[He glances at JAKE and does a passable impression of Scooby Doo seeing a ghost]

Jake Tucker

HEY!

Brian

Oh, God. I'm s... that... that was rude and I apologise.

[BRIAN begins to walk away]

Wow!

Clip 10

S02 E05: "Love Thy Trophy"

Glenn Quagmire is to romance what Colonel Gaddafi was to world peace. Sometimes he scores but usually he just shoots. Himself. In the foot.

Download Clip 0169-29 to your PC / Mac  

[INT: Bar. Night. Romantic piano music plays. GLEN QUAGMIRE sits on a stool next to a pretty girl]

Glen

Gemini!

[The girl slaps GLEN'S face]

Glen

Ooh! Capricorn?

[The girl slaps GLEN'S face]

Glenn

Oh! Well, I know you're not a Virgo!

[The girl punches GLEN clean off his bar stool]

Glen

Ya! Hey! From down here, you look like a Pisces!

[The girl kicks GLEN in the head]

Glen

Aargh!

Clip 11

S02 E05: "Love Thy Trophy"

For the record, male or female, this doesn't work. And if it does, you need to be making a formal complaint. No cop should be swayed by the sight of boobs.

Download Clip 0169-30 to your PC / Mac  

Cop

Sir, you aware that you were goin' fifty in a -

[He notices that PETER is exposing his left breast to him]

Cop

I'm gonna have to ask you to put your shirt down, Sir.

Peter

Oh, crap. I get the one straight cop in Rhode Island!

Clip 12

S02 E05: "Love Thy Trophy"

Stewie has been fostered. Meg's fault. She portrayed him as her crack-addicted baby to get more tips at work. But things aren't good at the foster home. Oh no.

Download Clip 0169-31 to your PC / Mac  

Foster Dad

Now, Stewie, why don't you go play with the others?

Chinese Girl

Stewie! Come complete our rainbow.

Stewie

I've got a better idea. Let's go play swallow the stuff under the sink!

Clip 13

S02 E05: "Love Thy Trophy"

Glenn has just finished making mad, passionate love to Sandy Balfour, the Child Services worker who seized Stewie from the Griffins. She's in love. He's confused.

Download Clip 0169-32 to your PC / Mac  

Sandy Balfour

Mmmm, Glenn honey... I have a question for you. What do you do for a living?

Glenn

Hey! I have a question for you, too. Why are you still here?

Clip 14

S02 E06: "Death is a Bitch"

It's 60 Minutes but like you've never seen it before. Morley, Mike, Ed and Lesley are in bed together.

Download Clip 0169-33 to your PC / Mac  

Morley Safer

I'm Morley Safer.

Mike Wallace

I'm Mike Wallace.

Ed Bradley

I'm Ed Bradley.

Lesley Stahl

I'm Lesley Stahl. And one of you is hung like an elf.

Clip 15

S02 E06: "Death is a Bitch"

It's that seminal scene from Titanic. Rose is floating on debris, Jack is sinking to the bottom of the ocean. But then he resurfaces...

Download Clip 0169-34 to your PC / Mac  

Rose

Noooooooooooooo!

Jack

[Resurfaces and grabs hold of the door upon which ROSE is floating]

You know, I... actually, I.... I think I'm gonna be okay.

Rose

Oh, Jack. Now we can get married and everything you promised.

Jack

Yeah, about that... uh, I was pretty sure I was gonna die. Uh... 'cos, actually, there... there's this girl in New York and it's... it's gettin' kinda serious. But... you know, thanks for lettin' me draw you naked. I still can't believe you let me do that!

Clip 16

S02 E07: "The King is Dead"

There's no rivalry between Tom Tucker and Diane Simmons. None at all. Well, there is some rivalry. In fact, now that I come to think of it, there's loads of rivalry between them.

Download Clip 0169-35 to your PC / Mac  

Diane Simmons

Our top story tonight... I will be playing the role of Anna in The Quahog Players production of The King & I. Tom?

Tom Tucker

Thanks Diane. In other news, I won't be going to the play because I'm sure it will be lousy.

Diane Simmons

Tom, I'm getting late word that you're a petty, jealous closet-case.

Tom Tucker

Bit of breaking news, we now go live to Diane being a b**ch. Diane?

Clip 17

S02 E07: "The King is Dead"

It's Peter. Farting. On stage. For ages. Yes, it's puerile. It's childish. It's disgusting. But it's funny.

Download Clip 0169-36 to your PC / Mac  Download this clip in Apple M4R (ringtone) format

Clip 18

S02 E11: "A Picture is Worth a Thousand Bucks"

The Griffins have been invited to a cocktail party at a New York museum. There, Brian notices some caricatures created by Robert Mapplethorpe.

Download Clip 0169-38 to your PC / Mac  

Brian

Mapplethorpe? I thought he just did photography?

Curator

Oh, no. Early on, he did caricatures.

[Cut to a carnival scene, MAPPLETHORPE sat at an easel whilst a YOUNG BOY sits in front of him on a chair]

Mapplethorpe

Uh, okay... Tim, uh, who's your favourite sports star?

Tim

Uh... Reggie Jackson.

Mapplethorpe

Okay, well I'm gonna draw him pooping on your chest. Uh, what number is he?

Clip 19

S02 E11: "A Picture is Worth a Thousand Bucks"

Now you can say what you like about politicians, royalty, musicians and minor celebrities. But don't EVER mess with Walt Disney. Unless you're Seth MacFarlane. Then it's okay, I guess.

Download Clip 0169-39 to your PC / Mac  

Brian

Peter, creating art takes a lot of training and technique. All the great artists I knew took classes.

Peter

Even Walt Disney?

[Cut to an artists studio. MINNIE MOUSE is modelling for WALT DISNEY wearing a small blue dress]

Minnie

Do I... d... do I... have to?

Walt Disney

You wanna be a star don't you? THEN TAKE IT OFF!

[Sobbing, MINNIE drops her dress to the floor]

Walt Disney

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, that's nice.

Clip 20

S02 E13: "Road to Rhode Island"

I can sum this clip up in just TEN words. "Boy, I say, Boy... you sure got a perty mouth." See? Told you!

Download Clip 0169-40 to your PC / Mac  

Farmer

I don't trust you. You put your seed in my daughter's belly. You're fired.

Farmhand

But Pa, you can't fire me.

Famer

You're lucky you're my brother, too or I'd kill you.

Clip 21

S02 E15: "Damnit, Janet!"

Ebner & Gladys Kravitz are neighbours to the Griffins and they're no strangers to some of the bizarre activities taking place at 31 Spooner Street.

Download Clip 0169-41 to your PC / Mac  

Gladys

EBNER! EBNER! The Griffin boy just killed a plastic reindeer.

[Pull back to reveal EBNER sitting naked on the couch, a bowl of popcorn concealing his genitals]

Ebner

Gladys, it took me two hours to work up the courage to rent this porno. Now you gonna watch it with me or not?

Clip 22

S02 E16: "There's Something About Paulie"

Peter owes the Quahog Mafia for services rendered. No cash is payable. Instead, he's being given a task by The Don.

Download Clip 0169-42 to your PC / Mac  

The Don

I have asked you here tonight so that you may perform a service.

Peter

Ha ha! Wh... wh... what are you gonna make me do? Whack a guy? Off a guy? Whack off a guy? 'Cos I'm married.

The Don

SILENCE!

Clip 23

S02 E18: "E Peterbus Unum"

Peter has been summoned to the offices of the IRS to talk about a possible (but unlikely) tax rebate.

Download Clip 0169-43 to your PC / Mac  

Peter

[Opens an office door and enters]

Uh... Miss Stratford?

Miss Stratford

Come in, Mister Griffin. Don't be nervous. The IRS is much kinder and gentler than we used to be. You smell nice.

Peter

What? No... that must be you.

Miss Stratford

No. It couldn't be me. I just farted.

Clip 24

S02 E18: "E Peterbus Unum"

When Peter discovers that 31 Spooner Street isn't part of the USA, he forms an independent country. And he's got diplomatic immunity.

Download Clip 0169-44 to your PC / Mac  

Peter

Can't touch me.

J...j...j...j...just like the bad guy from Lethal Weapon 2,

I've got diplomatic immunity, so Hammer you can't sue.

I can write graffiti, even jaywalk in the street,

I can riot, loot, not give a hoot and touch your sister's teat. Can't touch me.

You can't touch me.

Mayor West

What in God's name is he doing?

Peter

You can't touch me!

Cleveland

I believe that's the worm.

Peter

Stop! Peter time!

I'm a big shot, there's no doubt.

Light a fire then pee it out.

Don't like it? Kiss my rump. Just for a minute let's all do The Bump.

Can't touch me.

Yeah. Do the Peter Griffin Bump. Can't touch me.

I'm Presidential Peter. Interns think I'm hot.

Don't care if you're handicapped, I'll still park in your spot.

I've been around the world. From Harvard to Back Bay.

It's Peter, go Peter, I'm Sir Peter, yo Peter, let's see Regis rap this way! Can't touch me.

Clip 25

S02 E19: "The Story on Page One"

You can always rely on Stewie (who, by rights, shouldn't even have the power of speech yet) to say the most inappropriate thing at any given moment.

Download Clip 0169-45 to your PC / Mac  

Lois

Oh, I haven't been on a college campus in years. Everything seems so different.

Stewie

Really? Perhaps if you laid on your back with your ankles behind your ears that would ring a few bells.

Clip 26

S02 E19: "The Story on Page One"

Peter has caused Meg to publish a story in the school newspaper about Luke Perry being gay. In order to make things right, he must now try to seduce the man himself.

Download Clip 0169-46 to your PC / Mac  

Brian

Peter, you're... you're really gonna... try and seduce Luke Perry?

Peter

Listen, Brian, I'd take a bullet for Meg so I'm sure I can take a -

[Spots LUKE PERRY on a sun lounger by the pool]

- there he is!

Clip 27

S02 E20: "Wasted Talent"

In a nod to Charlie & the Chocolate Factory, Peter has found a silver scroll and is one of the lucky few to tour the Pawtucket Brewery. He and Brian have consumed never-flat beer and are in peril.

Download Clip 0169-47 to your PC / Mac  

Peter

Holy crap! There... there's nothing to grab on to. Oh, this is it, pal. We're goners.

Brian

Peter, I want you to know I've really cherished our friendship.

Peter

Me too, buddy. That's why I was holding this in but... since we're gonna die anyway -

[PETER farts and immediately begins descending away from the fan above their heads]

Brian

Peter, that's IT!

[BRIAN farts]

Peter

Hey, pull my finger!

Brian

My pleasure.

[PETER farts again]

Hey, Peter. This next one? You can blame on the dog!

[BRIAN farts]

Clip 28

S02 E20: "Wasted Talent"

Lois has discovered that Peter is an accomplished and capable pianist when he's drunk. And with a competition coming up, she needs him on top form.

Download Clip 0169-48 to your PC / Mac  

[PETER is playing the piano but not a single note is as it should be]

Lois

No, no, no... play it like you did last night.

Peter

I... I can't.

Lois

Peter, talent doesn't disappear just like that.

Peter

Well... sometimes it does. I mean... I mean you were pretty bad in bed Saturday night.

[Cut to Griffin bedroom. PETER is under the comforter, making love to what we assume is LOIS]

Come on, Lois. Move or somethin'. Jesus, it's like doin' it with a pillow.

[Cut back to piano]

Lois

Peter, I stayed at my mother's that night.

Peter

Oh. Ah, jeez... this hangover's killin' me. I haven't felt this crappy since the time I went to that museum.

[Cut to a natural history museum. Young PETER is among a group looking at dinosaur skeletons]

Peter

Why did all the dinosaurs die out?

Curator

Because you touch yourself at night.

Clip 29

S02 E20: "Wasted Talent"

So, we've discovered that for Peter to steer clear of the bum notes, he needs to be severely inebriated. But Lois has some concerns.

Download Clip 0169-49 to your PC / Mac  

[PETER is now as drunk as a skunk and he's playing the piano like Mozart]

Brian

Huh! I think we've found his muse.

Lois

Oh my God! You can only play the piano when you're drunk.

[PETER plays a descending glissando and the music comes to an abrupt halt]

Peter

That's not true. I can also vomit, fall down and make dirty calls to your sister when I'm drunk.

Clip 30

S02 E21: "Fore Father"

Cleveland and Peter are at odds over Peter's success with Cleveland Brown Jr. in a father and son golfing tournament. But who IS the better father? Certainly not John Robinson. That's for sure.

Download Clip 0169-50 to your PC / Mac  

Peter

Well, maybe you're not as good a father as me. Eh? I mean look what I did with Chris. I'm even better than that Dad on Lost in Space.

[Cut to a satirised recreation of a scene from 1960s series Lost in Space]

John Robinson

We need to gather more information about this new planet. Don, you take my sixteen-year-old blonde daughter out in the chariot for the rest of the day. Penny, you stay here with me. And Will... you and the robot go out into the uncharted wilderness and take this mincing, boy-hungry paedophile with you.