20 MP3 Audio clips from Season 1 of Family Guy (1999)

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Stewie is an evil genius. He might only be twelve-months-old (and like Peter Pan never seems to get any older) but don't underestimate his capabilities. Or his evil. Especially not that.

Stewie

Excellent! The mind control device is nearing completion.

Lois

Stewie, I said no toys at the table.

Stewie

Damn you, vile woman! You've impeded my work since the day I escaped from your wretched womb!

Peter is taking communion. He's imbibed the body of Christ and is about to do the same with the blood. For those not familiar with the ceremony, it's bread and red wine. Just to be clear.

Peter

[Takes a sip of red wine from the communion cup and cough-spits it out]

Woah! Is that really the blood of Christ?

Priest

Yes.

Peter

Man, that guy must've been wasted twenty-four hours a day, eh?!

Peter has brought a porno tape to a bachelor party. Is that a thing? I mean we call them "Stag Nights" and they're the same thing but never has anyone showed up with a porno.

Guest

Hey. Did you bring the porno?

Peter

Did I bring the porno, eh?

[He holds up a VHS tape entitled "Assablanca"]

You're gonna love it. It's a classic.

Rick

Listen to me, Ilsa... if I take this thing out and you're not on it, you'll regret it. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow but soon and for the rest of your life.

Peter

Oh, come on, Ilsa. Get on!

[And, of course, she does!]

This clip defies explanation, really. It's a play on words. Making G.I. Joe into G.I. Jew. Shakespeare it's not. Sorry.

Jonathan Weed

How are you coming, Johnson?

Johnson

Well, Mister Weed, I've been working on the new G.I. Jew line and as you can see, they look great.

[He pulls the drawstring on the figurine's back]

G.I. Jew

You call these bagels?

Johnson

Whoa! I'm glad he's on our side!

Peter has wound up in court accused (rightly) of fraud having quietly enjoyed welfare cheques to the tune of $150,000 dollars a week following an administrative error.

Judge

Mister Griffin, don't you think you should have alerted the government of such a gross over-payment?

Peter

Well, uh... I was going to call 'em but, uh... my... my favourite episode of Diff'rent Strokes was on. You know the one where Arnold and Dudley get sexually molested by the guy who owns the bike shop?

[We cut to a satirised reconstruction of the infamous 1983 episode of Diff'rent Strokes. The "BICYCLE MAN" is on his hands and knees facing away from ARNOLD and DUDLEY]

Bicycle Man

All right, now I want you boys to scream real loud at my ass.

Peter

And everybody learns a valuable lesson.

Judge

Mister Griffin, have you learned a lesson?

Peter

Oh, yeah. Stay the hell away from that bike shop!

Lois watches dotingly as Stewie sits on the front lawn, speaking on his Sesame Street phone.

Lois

Aw, look at Stewie... isn't he adorable playing with his Sesame Street phone?

Stewie

Put me through to the Pentagon.

Ernie

Do you know what sound a cow makes?

Stewie

Don't toy with me, Ernie. I've already dispatched with Mister Hooper. I've got six armed men stationed outside Big Bird's nest and as for Linda... well, it's rather difficult for a deaf woman to hear an assassin approach, now isn't it?

Tom Tucker is a maverick newscaster and his anchor, Diane is no less controversial. Why? Well, for stunts like this I guess.

Tom

Because of an accident today at the Quahog Cable Company, all television transmission will be out for an undetermined amount of time. Course, no-one can see this news programme so it doesn't really matter what we say. Heh! I'm the Lord Jesus Christ! Think I'll go get drunk and beat up some midgets. How 'bout you, Diane?

Diane

Well, Tom... I just plain don't like black people.

[They both laugh]

Cameraman

You guys... we're still on in Boston.

[The laughter stops]

Meg is your average teenager. Changeable, moody, emotional, immature, narcissistic... and Brian thinks that makes her a whiny little runt. Yes. RUNT.

Meg

I can't believe you'd put your family before your own daughter.

Brian

She's a whiny little runt, isn't she?

Lois

[Gasps]

Brian

I said runt.

Peter has joined Quagmire in watching Chris play soccer. There are some pushy parents there and when Chris plays a handball, the argument starts.

Parent

THAT'S THE TENTH TIME TODAY. NICE GRAB, ORCA! HEY, GET MOBY D*CK OFF THE FIELD BEFORE HE BURPS UP A LICENCE PLATE!

Peter

Hey, hey, hey... easy, fella. That's my kid. Now apologise.

Parent

Okay... I'm sorry your kid's a brain-dead, stinkin', blue cheese, FAT ASS!

Peter

Oh! Oh, that's it!

[PETER punches the other parent in the face and they fall unceremoniously to the floor]

Chris

Way to go, Dad!

Kid

Hey! You hit my Mom!

Peter

No, I hit your Dad.

Bystander

Whoa, stand back... give her some air.

Peter

You mean... give him some air.

Woman

Call an ambulance... she's going into labour.

Peter

You mean he's going into labour -

[The cry of a newborn baby is suddenly audible]

Peter

Whoops!

Imagine if the puppet cast of Sesame Street took on some altogether more gritty and challenging roles. Crime dramas for example. Chicago PD, Chicago Fire... wouldn't that be good?

Lois

It's been so wonderful having you home all week.

Peter

Oh, thanks, Honey but honestly... I don't know how you stand being in the house all day. I'm so bored, I can't even watch TV any more. All the shows are starting to run together.

Continuity

This show contains adult content and is brought to you by the letter H.

[A cartoon version of Homicide is on the Griffins' TV. The titles fade to a bedside phone ringing]

[Groaning, a disembodied hand reaches out from beneath the comforter and picks up the receiver]

Hello.

[Sighs]

Son of a b**ch. I'm on my way.

[Hangs up and as he gets out of bed, naked, we see that the detective is none other than BERT from Sesame Street]

Bert

Some poor bastard got his head blown off down at a place called Hoopers.

[He swigs from a bottle of whisky and coughs violently. We widen to show ERNIE in bed beside him]

Ernie

Bert, I wish you wouldn't drink so much, Bert.

Bert

Well, Ernie. I wish you wouldn't eat COOKIES IN THE DAMNED BED!

Ernie

Bert, you're shouting again, Bert.

Bert

[Sighs]

Chris and Peter are watching Wheel of Fortune. The letters on the board spell out GO ?UCK YOURSELF.

Contestant

Pat, I'd like to solve the puzzle. Go tuck yourself in.

Pat Sajak

You got it!

Chris

Well, you were close, Dad.

Peter

Yeah, and I still can't believe we missed the phrase, My hairy aunt.

[Editor's Note: Really? I need to explain this gag? What if the A weren't there? What if you were presented with the phrase MY HAIRY ?UNT? Would you think, perhaps, that it might be something a little more crude? Hey... no problem. You're welcome.]

It's the day of the Happy-Go-Lucky Toy Company's baseball game and Peter has found a ringer to play for the home team in the form of Joe. He doesn't know about Joe being disabled though.

Lois

Hey, Peter!

Jonathan Weed

It's nice that you family is here, Peter. If your ringer doesn't arrive soon, you can spend every day with them. At home.

Peter

Oh, uh... he'll be here, Mister Weed. Oh, you should see this guy in action. He can hit, he can throw -

Joe

PETER!

Jonathan Weed

What's he doing in a wheelchair?

Peter

Holy crip, he's a crapple!

Meg needs the kind of advice only her mother or her best friend could give her. And as Meg doesn't have any friends, Lois will have to do.

Lois

Meg, you're a sweet, lovely girl. He'll come around.

Meg

Such a Mom answer!

Lois

Well, have you tried showing off the goods? How's that for a Mom answer?

Meg

Creepy!

Peter, in an effort to upstage Joe Swanson, has become involved in a bank heist which has gone rather badly wrong. And now it's down to Joe to save him.

Lois

Bonnie, it's Peter...

Bonnie

Don't worry. Joe's an excellent negotiator. I was a virgin when we met. Took him three hours!

Stewie has witnessed Peter and Lois having a "special" cuddle. The kind of "cuddle" that mummies and daddies have together. He's traumatised.

Brian

Oh, good Lord. You saw them together, didn't you?

Stewie

[Whimpers]

Brian

You know the tub where you take your little baths? They've done it there, too.

Stewie

[Screams in horror]

Peter. He's meant to be the adult. You know? The provider, the supporter, the counsellor to his children. But you'd be better off asking a kindergartener anything serious.

Chris

Uh, Dad? What would you say if I told you I didn't want to be in the scouts?

Peter

I'd say, come again? and then I'd laugh 'cos I'd said come.

Having tried and failed with his father, Chris turns to his sister for advice. Thing is, it's a little different for girls than it is for boys. As Chris is about to find out.

Meg

[Sighs]

Okay. Look. Dad is really easy. All you have to do is sit on his lap, give him a big kiss on the cheek, look him right in the eye and he's butter.

[Cut to living room - PETER sat in his armchair when CHRIS suddenly jumps into his lap as per MEG'S advice]

Peter

What the hell?

Chris

Dad... Scouts are no fun and I don't... oh... wait a minute.

[He gives PETER a "big kiss on the cheek"]

Peter

Chris? I am going to stand up, walk out of this room and we will never speak of this again.

In the show's first ever cut-away, a play on words reveals how an upper-class Rhode Island family might endure the challenge of dinner.

Peter

Look, Chris. It's a whole family of wasps.

Man

My, Margaret. What a sub-par ham.

Margaret

Perhaps I can't bake a ham but what I can cook up is a little grace and civility at the table.

Man

Patti? Did you know that your mother is a whore?

There's a time and a place to discuss the sexual abilities of your better half. And suitable people to discuss those with. Your teenage son is not one of them.

Peter

Sheesh, I didn't know anyone in this family had any talent. Well, except for that one thing your mother does.

Chris

You mean play the piano?

Peter

No, no.. she... yeah.

Glenn Quagmire is a deviant. No. Truly... he's a sexual deviant. And he has the hots for Lois. So when Lois calls by unannounced for some advice, he gets entirely the wrong idea.

Glenn

Don't worry, Lois... I'd do everything to you.

Lois

What?

Glenn

I'd do anything for you.