10 MP3 Audio clips from David Brent: Life on the Road (2016)

PLAY ALL 10 CLIPS

Clip 1

David is demonstrating a blue PVC scrubbing brush to a customer. And he can't help but turn the innuendo up to eleven in an attempt to appear "laddish" even when it's least appropriate.

David

That's as stiff as you like and it won't damage your rug. Well, that's what I told her!

[Laughs]

Clip 2

Pauline, for some reason possibly best known to herself, quite fancies David and that's obvious from the outset. Remember I said how he's socially awkward around women? Behold... the proof.

Pauline

I'd like to see you live.

David

Oh, dunno... the lyrics are a bit hot... for you. X-rated. We got one song; it's about rock and roll but it's a metaphor for sex.

[Laughs unnecessarily]

It goes...

♪

"I'm gonna roll you over, and rock you stupid.

And leave you there, just hummin'.

There's a party in my trousers, Baby.

And everybody's cummin'."

♪

Do you get it? Ask me how I'm spelling "coming".

Pauline

How are you spelling "coming"?

David

C-U-M-I-N.

Pauline

That's cumin.

David

Double M. Think. It's apost... so, yeah.

[Laughs]

That sort of coming.

[Makes a completely unnecessary masturbatory gesture, complete with sound effects]

Clip 3

He just can't help himself, can he? Every time he opens his mouth something completely inappropriate falls out of it. Here, he's been reprimanded by his boss, Miriam and has this to say.

David

Miriam is going to eat humble pie. Not the pie she's used to. I mean she's slightly overweight and likes apple pie. Not... hairy pie, she's a lezza...

Clip 4

David is doing a piece to camera, reminiscing about the fate of his three original band members. Reggie Mental is an invalid, Craig Monkfort is in prison and as for Jack...

David

Jack... he's married now with four kids. Look at him there. Under the thumb. I bumped into him in Reading, down the Oracle. And he was shopping with his wife, holding hands with kids, carrying shopping, papoose with a new baby in it. And he looked at me, and he didn't literally say it out loud, because his wife was there, but I could see in his eyes, he was saying, "Kill me."

Clip 5

I'm beginning to think that perhaps the problem is that David has either no inner monologue or no filter because he can't help but say things that would justifiably get anyone else punched.

David

Come on in. Welcome to Foregone Conclusion, Mark II.

[Laughs]

Not the original band, um... long story. Little bit of trivia though...

[He points to STU MONKFORT]

Mamagram's nephew, Stu Monkfort. Yeah. Got all his uncle's skills. Not the... sexual assault. He hasn't... done any of that. Not yet, anyway; his uncle didn't start until he was forty. Which is weird. But as of now, this dude has not raped anyone.

Clip 6

David is speaking to Dan over breakfast about his confidence in the tour and his motivation for it.

David

Yeah... what if it's a failure? What if no-one comes? What if I haven't got what it takes?

Dan

Yeah -

David

And then... the ghost of Alexander O'Neal visited me in a dream one night and said, "You have got what it takes. And you owe it to the world... to do this." so...

Dan

But you know that was just you thinking that, don't you?

David

I was dreaming it.

Dan

Well, either way, the ghost of Alexander O'Neal didn't really come... hang on, Alexander O'Neal isn't even dead...

Clip 7

Dom and Dan are worried about poor ticket sales. David, however, isn't at all worried. Because he's sorted it. He's bagged an interview at an unknown, backwater radio station to plug the tour.

Dan

Okay, and do you know how many tickets we've sold for the next gig? Do you wanna have a guess?

David

Not many. But don't worry about that, because I've secured an interview on a radio station to sort all that out.

Dom

Radio 1?

David

No.

Dom

Absolute?

David

No.

Dom

Is it Capital?

David

Tadley FM.

Clip 8

I think it's fair to say that David's guest slot at Tadley FM hasn't gone QUITE to plan. In fact, it was a complete waste of his time and has probably done more harm than good.

David

So, I didn't even mention the gig. And that was the whole point of doing this. Sixteen tickets sold. Waste of time.

Dom

And you only got one point on "Sausage or Pie".

David

I don't care about that sh*t!

Clip 9

David's pretty psyched about a gig at the Student Union. Until, that is, the band arrive to see the slant that the SU staff have put on their forthcoming performance. "Sh*te Night." Hmm.

David

This way.

[Spots a poster advertising the gig on an external noticeboard]

Uh-oh. My ugly mug. "David Brent. Sh*te Night"? Why have they... that's... "The crappiest entertainment of the past 50 years."

Dom

Fu*k's sake, David...

David

Well, I didn't do it, did I?

[INT: Dressing room door slams in DAVID'S face]

They're p*ssed off with me. Like I made the poster. It wasn't their head on a piece of dog sh*t, was it? It was mine, so...

Clip 10

Dom is quite the philosopher. There really is someone out there for everyone. I'm just not sure in David's case who that person is or what they've done to deserve it.

Dom

My Mum used to say, there's someone out there for everyone. And I think for David especially, it's important to believe that. Because... you just gotta hope and pray deep down that there's somebody out there who's just totally given up on life that could make him very happy.