8 MP3 Audio clips from Trading Places (1983)

PLAY ALL 8 CLIPS

Clip 1

Mortimer and Randolph are enjoying the hospitality of the exclusive Heritage Club. Ezra has brought them a drink on a silver platter. And such kindness cannot possibly go unrewarded.

Randolph

Ah... Ezra. Right on time. I bet you thought I'd forgotten your Christmas bonus.

[He hands EZRA a five dollar note from his wallet]

There you are.

Ezra

Five dollars. Maybe I'll go to the movies. By myself.

Mortimer

Half of it is from me.

Ezra

Thank you, Mister Mortimer.

[Mouths "Motherfu*kers" as he walks away]

Clip 2

Billy Ray Valentine is a con-artist. He's pretending to be a blind, disabled war veteran, wheeling himself around. But he still has an eye for the ladies...

Billy

Hey, baby, what's happening? How you doin'? Once you've had a man with no legs, you never go back, baby. I know what you're thinking. You seen "Porgy And Bess"? We can make it, baby. Me and you!

[The girl finally manages to break free from BILLY'S grip and walks quickly away]

You b**ch!

Clip 3

Billy has been arrested for nothing more than bumping into Winthorpe on the street and trying to return his suitcase. Randolph has an idea. Mortimer? He's just a racist.

Randolph

That man is the product of a poor environment. There's absolutely nothing wrong with him. I can prove it.

Mortimer

Of course there's something wrong with him. He's a negro. Probably been stealing since he could crawl.

Clip 4

Billy is installed in a Jacuzzi bath. He's not used to having a man-servant in the room with him whilst naked and in the tub.

Coleman

Uh... Jacuzzi, sir?

Billy

You see, man... I knew y'all was faggots, man. You ain't Jacuzzi-in' nobody.

Coleman

I... it's a whirlpool bath, sir. I think you'll enjoy it.

[As COLEMAN leaves the bathroom, the Jacuzzi starts to operate]

Billy

Hey, hey! Bubbles, man! Say, man... when I was growin' up, we want Jacuzzi we had to fart in the tub. This is bad!

[Laughs]

Clip 5

Billy has been told that the house and everything in it are now his. To prove this point, he tries some "Harlem Globetrotter sh*t" with a priceless vase on the mantelpiece.

[The vase falls to the floor, smashing to pieces]

Billy

Hey, man. I'm sorry about that.

Randolph

Perfectly all right, William. It was your vase.

Billy

That's a cheap vase, man. That was a fake, right?

Randolph

I think we paid thirty-five thousand dollars for it. But I seem to remember we estimated its value at fifty thousand dollars for the insurance company.

[Laughs]

Y'see, Mortimer? William has already made us a profit of fifteen thousand dollars.

[Laughs]

[MORTIMER and COLEMAN join in with the forced laughter]

Billy

You want me to break something else?

[The laughter immediately stops]

Randolph

NO!

Clip 6

Being arrested is surely one of life's great levellers. No matter your status, wealth, breeding or views, you are still just a suspect in the eyes of the law.

Louis

Do you know who I am?

Cop 1

Yeah. Winthorpe Louis the third.

Louis

I know, I know... I'm permitted two phone calls. Just point me to the phone.

Cop 1

Take off your clothes.

Louis

Now wait a minute! I know my rights -

Cop 1

Take off your clothes.

Louis

You are making a career decision here. Now you'd better think about it because it's something that you are going to have to live with for the rest of your life.

Cop 2

[Standing up]

Strip, you little sh*t before I tear you a new a**hole!

Clip 7

Penelope is Winthorpe's lover. She's come to the police station to bail him out. But she's not impressed with what she sees. Or hears. Or smells.

Louis

The good news is, I'm innocent. I've never even done anything vaguely resembling this. Really. It's the truth.

Penelope

Louis, you look awful. I'm so ashamed! Those clothes. And those shoes and... and you've been fighting and... and you smell.

Louis

I smell? Penelope, do you realise where I've been since yesterday? They beat me up and stole my clothes. THOSE MEN... WANTED TO HAVE SEX WITH ME!

Penelope

Can we discuss this somewhere else, Louis?

Louis

THEY TRIED TO BEND ME OVER THIS...

Clip 8

It's the show-down on the train. Louis, Ophelia, Coleman and Billy are all in disguise. But Beeks hasn't fallen for it. Not one bit.

Louis

[In a thick Jamaican accent]

So the train will be pulling into Philadelphia soon. Will you be getting off at the city of brotherly loves, Mister Beeks?

Beeks

Yeah, I will but you won't...

[He pulls out a gun and trains it on LOUIS before removing his fake dreadlocks and tam]

...Winthorpe!

Attendant 1

[Entering the compartment]

...See if this one's empty.

[He spots the situation]

Beeks

Hey! Back off. I'll rip out your eyes and p*ss on your brain.

Attendant 2

Excuse me...

Attendant 1

You got it!

Beeks

[Dragging OPHELIA to her feet]

All right, on your feet. Up! Let's go. Bunch of fu*king weirdos. We're gonna take a little walk. And don't try anything funny or the whore loses a kidney. Let's go!