7 MP3 Audio clips from A Bad Moms Christmas (2017)

PLAY ALL 7 CLIPS

Clip 1

Amy doesn't like keeping up with the latest trends. But it's expected isn't it? If ONE party has Santa hats for lobster claws... yeah. That!

Amy

Then there is all the over-the-top Christmas parties. Oh my God! Are these lobster Santa hats? Are these a thing now? What the FU*K?!

Clip 2

Amy broke the cardinal rule. If you're going to do the "wild thing" when there are children in the house, you need to keep it quiet. Otherwise it leads to confusion. Terrible confusion.

Amy

Your Dad is... awesome.

Lori

I thought you hated him?

Amy

What? No. Honey... wh... why would you say that?

Lori

When you came over to the house last week, I heard you and Daddy in the bedroom and you kept screaming at him.

Amy

Oh, yeah... no, honey those were... those were happy screams.

Lori

They didn't sound happy. And then you punched the wall and yelled the F-word.

Amy

Okay, I... I, um... yeah, I don't... I don't really recall doing that so... yeah.

Lori

You did. You were like, "Oh my fu*king God!" Just like that. "Oh my fu*king God!"

Amy

Okay! All right. Shhh. Shhh! Um, here's the thing. Your Dad and I were just playing a fun little grown up game.

Lori

You played the game seven times.

Amy

Six and a half but who's counting? Here's the thing... let's just not... let's just not talk about this. Cool?

Lori

Cool!

Amy

High-five!

Lori

Got it.

Amy

Awesome.

Clip 3

It's the holiday season. Other than right before summer, it's the busiest time for a beauty salon. And for Carla, it's a nightmare.

Carla

Oh, my God. If I have to wax one more pu**y today, I'm gonna black out. Since when did every woman in America need a completely hairless vagina on Christmas?

[She looks through her list of clients and then throws it to the floor]

Anyone else here for a wax?

[The entire population of the waiting room raise their hands]

Oh, my God. That's, like... fifty more vaginas. Okay. Who's next?

[A woman with a mono-brow and wispy moustache raises her hand]

Oh... not you Sasquatch... I can't handle you right now.

Clip 4

Kiki and her husband are getting down and dirty beneath the sheets. Things are going so well until they're interrupted. Not by their children. By her MOTHER!

Sandy

[Sneezes]

Kiki

[To KENT]

Bless you.

[The realisation dawns on them both that they're not alone in the room]

Sandy

[Screams]

Kiki

MOM!

Sandy

Hi, guys!

Kiki

What are you doing in here?

Sandy

Well, I just came in here to watch you fall asleep like I always do and then you started going at it like monkeys in a zoo.

Kiki

You watch me fall asleep every night?

Sandy

Well, except after Blue Bloods. I know that's your special intercourse night.

Kiki

[Gasps]

Sandy

Oh, honey. I'm so glad to see you have such a vibrant sex life. It's so important for you and Kent to just... bang each other. And Kent... I am so happy that you are able to get an erection again. Yaaaaay! And Kiki... he's so much bigger than your Dad was.

Kiki

Okay, Mom, thanks... you can go before my husband never has sex with me again.

Sandy

Yep!

Clip 5

Kiki has taken her mother to see her therapist, Doctor Karl. She wants to know what's wrong with her. Luckily, Doctor Karl can shed some light on that particular mystery.

Kiki

What is the matter with her?

Doctor Karl

You really wanna know?

Kiki

Yeah.

Doctor Karl

Your Mom was probably pretty normal before she had you. But then you were born and you didn't sleep for six months, so she didn't sleep for six months. And you refused to eat and when you did eat, you would barf all over her clothes. And that made your Mom a little crazy. And then you fell off your bike and you broke your arm and then you got bullied in school and then you started dating that weird dude with the stick through his nose and all those things made your Mom a little more crazy. And then you got married and you bought a house you can't afford and you're raising kids who never say please or thank you... sh*t, they can't even read. And all those things made your Mom super-duper crazy. And now you come into my office and you go, "Doctor Karl, why's my Mom so crazy?" And the answer is... YOU MOTHER-FU*KER! You made your Mom crazy. So be nice to your Mom 'cos you're the one who fu*ked her sh*t up!

Clip 6

Carla has recently waxed the balls and taint of a Santa Stripper. She's taken Amy and Kiki to a bar to see him in action. They're all admiring him in their own way.

Amy

He's... he's really good at stripping.

Kiki

He has such kind eyes.

Amy

Yeah.

Carla

I'm gonna fu*k his d*ck off tonight!

Clip 7

And it doesn't take long for Isis to get up on the bar and "interact" with Carla's intended. Much to the shock and horror of the trio watching.

Kiki

You should never have to watch your Mom lick your boyfriend's nipples.

Amy

No!

Carla

Mom! What are you doing?!