8 MP3 Audio clips from Season 4 of The League of Gentlemen (2009)

PLAY ALL 31 CLIPS IN THE RANDOMISER™

Barbara is a trans-gender taxi driver with hairy hands and legs. But that doesn't mean people can mock her. Oh no. She won't stand for it.

Barbara

Hey, hey, hey, hey! We'll have none of that in here. No hate speech.

Benjamin

Hate speech? I -

Barbara

Gender-neutral pronouns only. People used to make fun of the likes of us. Well, that's all gone now. The world's moved on. We are no longer a source of cheap humour and laughs.

Val

No.

Barbara

And this cab is a safe, friendly, mutually-respectful and above all, tolerant space.

Benjamin

Of course, uh... Barbara. What pronoun do you use?

Barbara

Well if you don't know you can p*ss off out of it. I'm not fu*king tellin' ya.

Bernice wears two hats. Figuratively speaking. She's the local (crap) vicar and also the town's Mayor. Which she's also crap at.

Bernice

Have you ever read the bible, pet?

Reporter

No, no. I haven't.

Bernice

No, me neither. But apparently there was a place called Sodom. Which was full of incest, buggery and murder. Eventually it was destroyed. Shat on by God from a great height. Welcome to Royston Vasey!

Reporter

What do you mean?

Bernice

If they want to force us in to Black Bottoms^*, then so be it. It's no skin off my fanny.

Murray

But Bernice... they've got their own Mayor. We'd lose our jobs, our hospitality budget... your free parking spot outside of Oddbins.

Bernice

Fu*k that! Get some placards and paint and phone rent-a-mob. We're not going down without a fight!

^* Black Bottoms is the name of an adjacent town which is due to swallow up Royston Vasey during some forthcoming boundary changes.

Pauline is a Re-start Officer. Or rather WAS. But now she's confined to an institution where, as part of her therapy, volunteers help to re-enact come of her past... glories.

Pauline

Okey cokey, pig in a pokey! Good morning, Jobseekers! Ooh, God... it stinks in here. Can no-one smell it? Open a window for me will ya? What's your name?

Mickey

Mickey.

Pauline

Thank you, Mickey love. But... before you do... I want you all to breathe in through your noses and remember that stench. 'Cos that... is the smell of idleness. It's the smell of dirty little bum cracks pumping out the gas from a Kwik Save no-frills pasty eaten cold at four in the morning because time has no meaning for you. That... is your smell, Jobseekers. And I... am an aerosol.

Ross

You can say that again.

Pauline

Uh... I beg your pardon? Did you just say something?

Ross

No.

A reporter and a council official are investigating squatters who've moved in to a building due for demolition. But these are no ORDINARY squatters.

Tubbs

EDWARD, EDWARD!

Edward

Hello, hello?! What's going on? What's all this shouting? We'll have no trouble here.

Tubbs

They tried to grab my globes.

Edward

Lesbians, eh? Pair of Clitty Cats. You're thinking even now about using a broom on my wife's second hole. Try to deny it!

Mike has paid Geoff to "off" his wife. Geoff really isn't qualified or capable. Despite his six years in the Territorial Army he couldn't kill an engine.

Geoff

Hello?

Mike

Yeah, Geoff it's me.

Geoff

Who? I don't know how to put names in my phone.

Mike

Mike. You all set up for tonight?

Geoff

What about?

Mike

What we said. Cheryl.

Geoff

Yes. I'm dealing with it. Don't worry. I'm a professional. I was in the SAS for six years.

Mike

You means the TAs?

Geoff

Same thing. It's all just putting green on your face, innit?

Mike

You will do it... humanely, won't you?

Geoff

Of course! Now will you let me get on with it please? I'd appreciate a bit of trust.

[He hangs up and then picks up an adjustable wrench which he waves towards the SHOPKEEPER]

Excuse me. Would this kill a fat woman tonight?

The squat has become a siege. Tubbs and Edward are holding the reporter and council official hostage.

Gareth Chapman

I'm Gareth Chapman and I'm a trained Hostage Negotiator. So, uh... why don't we start with you... telling me your opening position?

Edward

On top with my eyes closed if it's any of your business.

Gareth Chapman

Right. And I know you've said that the hostages aren't for sale -

Edward

This is a shop. Nothing is for sale.

Gareth Chapman

Well, I appreciate that. I'm not here to butter you up and then go behind your back.

Tubbs

That's his opening position.

Edward

Tubbs!

Bernice has hit a stumbling block in her campaign to save Royston Vasey. And it would appear that particular stumbling block was of her own making.

Bernice

What's going on? I thought the tide had turned. The people are on our side.

Murray

Someone from County Hall rang. Seems the reason for this boundary change is because the land's been sold for frackin'.

Bernice

Is that where they all watch each other in cars?

Murray

No. It's heavy drilling. And not the kind you mean. Seems they didn't want to bother with the rigmarole of public consultations. Easier just to let the town disappear with a bit of paperwork.

Bernice

Well, what daft twat signed that?

Murray

You did!

Pops is back. He's a slimy, predatory, vile and odious individual who is out for revenge against his own son. And this revenge takes the form of piri-piri olives and a particular orifice.

Pops

You do me in the ass... I do you in the ass. We're gonna see how many piri-piri olives can fit in one man's sh*t pipe. Your sh*t pipe. And we're not gonna stop until the whole stinking jar is empty.