7 MP3 Audio clips from Season 2 of The League of Gentlemen (2009)

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We know now that the twins are... spooky. But did you know that they can also read minds? Yes. One of their many talents.

Twins

[In unison]

Mummy? Why are you thinking about Cousin Benjamin?

Val

I'm not.

Radclyffe

Yes, you are.

Chloe

You think the house seems empty without him.

Radclyffe

You wish he was still living here.

Twins

[In unison]

You wish Daddy had given you a son... as well as daughters.

Val

Don't be ridiculous, girls. We're perfectly happy the way we are, aren't we, Harvey?

Harvey

Oh yes, indeed. Well, think of the difficulties a son would provide. The... nightmare of puberty, endless sojourns in the bathroom as junior shakes hot white coconuts from the veiny love-tree. Yes, we're better off with Chloe and Radclyffe.

Papa Lazarou has two catchphrases. This is the first, presented in a format suitable for use as a message tone. You're welcome.

Papa Lazarou

Hello, Dave?

And this is Papa Lazarou's SECOND catchphrase, again... formatted ready for use as a message tone.

Papa Lazarou

Oh, you're my wife now!

The Denton twins are gazing up at a freakshow giant as he reels off his vital statistics. But remember... these two are telepathic. They know already.

Freakshow Giant

My weight is seventeen stone. The circumference of my neck is eighteen inches. The span across my hand is...

Twins

Seven and a half inches.

Freakshow Giant

The width across my shoulders is...

Twins

Twenty-six inches.

Freakshow Giant

My... my...

Twins

Three and a half inches!

There are so many rules in the Denton household it can be hard to know where to begin. Luckily, they've penned this little ditty to remind you of some of the more important points.

♪

Harvey

We've learned from all our past mistakes that teaching guests is tough.
But now we've found a better way we think is clear enough.

Val

The old way was confusing, we found it took too long.

Harvey

So now you are Chez Denton, come learn our rules in song!

The bathroom is a dangerous place where evil germs can lurk.
To keep clean is a duty from which we mustn't shirk.

Val

Hygiene is a principal we really all must have.
So scrub your hands with pumice stone whenever you touch the lav.

Harvey

The kitchen can be deadly, just think of all that dirt,

Twins

To clean things down, fifteen times it really cannot hurt.

Val

Imagine all the places those naughty microbes hide,

Twins

A rubbish bin, a soiled lid,

Val

These marigolds inside.

Harvey

All we want is order, each thing in it's place.
To have it any other way would be a damned disgrace.

Val

You see how each thing's labelled, we know where it must stay.

Harvey

You Auntie Val's vaginal douche, we keep behind this tray-ay!

Val

So now that we have shown you, the way that we think true.
I hope that you'll be happy and know what you must do.

Harvey

Whenever you're at toilet, please recall this song.

Val

Wash your hands before and after.

Harvey

During if it's long.

Harvey & Val

Got that?!

Pauline has now officially lost her job as a Work Coach. She's been fired. And she's back on the dole. And you know what that means, right?

Ross

You do realise what this means, don't you, Pauline?

Pauline

I do, Ross. Back on the dole, getting up at dinner time and... flicking meself off to Trisha.

Mayor Vaughan (played by Roy "Chubby" Brown whose real name is Royston Vasey) can't help swearing. Even on TV.

Murray

And this is Look North now which is going out live so please...

Mayor Vaughan

I know what you're going to say. You're going to tell me I can't swear.

Murray

You do have a bit of a reputation.

Mayor Vaughan

I won't turn the air blue, Murray. Don't worry. Now where do I stand?

Presenter

Just here. Thank you. Now you do know we're going out live?

Mayor Vaughan

Don't worry, don't worry.

Presenter

[To camera]

Thank you, Harry. I'm joined now by the Mayor of Royston Vasey, Larry Vaughan. Mayor Vaughan, a lot of activity in the town today. What's going on?

Mayor Vaughan

Yes, as you can see it's a beautiful day, the sun is shining and... it's like a routine vaccination programme. Uh, sort of having a flu jab.

Presenter

Right. And what about the nosebleeds?

Crowd

[Murmur in agreement]

Mayor Vaughan

I'm sure it's perfectly innocent. There's no need to panic.

Presenter

Mayor Vaughnan, thank you.

Mayor Vaughan

It's a fu*king pleasure.