12 MP3 Audio clips from Season 1 of The League of Gentlemen (2009)

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Benjamin Denton has arrived in Royston Vasey and is getting a cab from the station to the home of his Auntie Val. A ride he's unlikely to forget any time soon.

Barbara

Are you here for work or pleasure?

Benjamin

Pleasure I suppose. I'm, uh... staying with relatives and I'm going hiking with a friend.

Barbara

Oh, it's a nice part of town is Swanmills. Lovely shops. It's where I get my dresses from.

[BENJAMIN notices painted fingernails and feminine jewellery as BARBARA changes gear]

The good thing is they know me there now. I couldn't go in to Dorothy Perkins once me bust started showing, you know.

Benjamin

Oh.

Barbara

I've only been on the hormones eighteen months. Me nipples are like bullets!

Auntie Val is half-way through explaining the rules of the house when Benjamin realises it's time he was making tracks to meet his friend.

Benjamin

Right, well I'd better be off... I'm meeting Martin at six o'clock.

Val

Then there's the towels... white for hands, brown for feet, green for torso, thighs and seat. And in the cupboard 'neath the stair...

Harvey

You'll find the red, for pubic hair!

If Benjamin thought the colour-coding of towels was strange, it's nothing compared to his Uncle Harvey's phobia of masturbation. Yes, this is really happening!

Harvey

While the wee wife's away, just a few words on the subject of onanism. In this house... we don't masturbate. It's not a very pleasant thing to do. Particularly with two young girls running around, now is it? I'd hate to think of either Chloe or Radclyffe tearing downstairs first thing in the morning only to find you... hunched double on the sofa bed... pumping your fist. So, while you're a guest with us, if you could rein in those baser instincts if you don't mind, Benjamin please.

Benjamin

No. That's... fine.

Val

[Coming back into the bathroom]

Everything hunky-dory? Good. I'm so glad it's all sorted. Semen is such a persistent stain!

The police have come calling on Edward and Tubbs Tattsyrup's local shop, seeking the whereabouts of a missing hiker.

Policeman

Are you the proprietor?

Edward

Yes, yes.

Policeman

Well, your wife said you were up the stairs, sir.

Edward

I slipped... out... Tubbs. For a walk. Didn't want to disturb you. Fine evening. The town. We're very proud.

Tubbs

He's looking for a boy.

Edward

Poofter, eh? Little bummer boy. Come across your type before in the forces. You won't catch me with my trousers down.

Policeman

Sir, I am here on police business. I found this boy's wallet.

Tubbs

[To EDWARD]

I said we'd never seen him before. Did Tubbs do right?

Edward

You did it beautifully, Tubbs.

[To POLICEMAN]

There's your answer, sir. Never seen this... boy before. Now... if you will excuse us... we've a shop to run.

Policeman

Yes, of course. Thank you for your co-operation. Good evening.

[The POLICEMAN opens the door and is about to leave when TUBBS shouts after him]

Tubbs

WE DIDN'T BURN HIM!

Iris is sorting Mrs. Levinson's laundry. Almost inevitably, the conversation turns to sex. And Iris definitely has the upper-hand.

Iris

Ooh! Them's nice panties, Missus L.

Mrs. Levinson

Mmm, thank you, Iris. Eddie got me them in Paris.

Iris

Course, I won't get expensive briefs.

Mrs. Levinson

Oh, you should treat yourself from time to time.

Iris

Just I get through that many pairs... Ron pulling at them with his big fingers.

Mrs. Levinson

Really? Have you packed Eddie's toilet bag?

Iris

I've given up wearing anything in bed. There's no point with Ron's libido the way it is. He's like a lad of nineteen, sometimes.

Mrs. Levinson

Fancy! And I hope you buttoned his shirts before you packed them.

Iris

Five, six times a night and the mornings...

Mrs. Levinson

Yes, well when Eddie and I were first married.

Iris

Oh, it's always been like that for us. Like a couple of young kids in love. Just gets better and better. He has me doing things that'd make a whore blush.

Mrs. Levinson

Well, Ed will sometimes wear nothing but his bathing trunks...

Iris

This way, that way... some of it barely legal... I'm lying there thinking, "Will this pleasure never end?"

Auntie Val and Uncle Harvey have been waiting "at table" since 6am to start breakfast. When Benjamin makes an appearance, his nature is subjected to Uncle Harvey's usual warped scrutiny.

Harvey

Perhaps you're a naturally slothful person... sluggish and indolent. A dawdling flâneur, content to waste his life spreadeagled on pillows, forever indulging himself in the pleasures of the palm.

Chloe and Radclyffe Denton (played by twins Megan and Rosy De Wolf) are characters inspired by the sisters in The Shining. Here, they speak to a scarecrow in Farmer Tinsel's field.

Chloe

Oh, Mister Scarecrow, you do look messy. Your head's all out of shape.

[The DENTON TWINS begin pummelling the SCARECREOW'S head with their fists]

Radclyffe

One day I'm going to ask Mummy to make you a brand new coat and trousers. Then you won't look so scruffy and horrid.

Farmer Tinsel

Hey! Hey, you Denton girls! What's your business? You're always mithering my scarecrow.

Chloe

That's because he's our special friend, Mr. Tinsel. He must get ever so lonely and hungry.

Farmer Tinsel

Ho, oh... no. You mustn't worry about him. He's only a thing of cloth and straw. Now, shouldn't you be getting back to your school trip? They shouldn't let you wander off, you know.

Twins

[Laugh inexplicably]

Farmer Tinsel

[To the SCARECROW]

Oh dear. Them young lasses have made an awful mess of your head.

Scarecrow

[Groans]

Farmer Tinsel

Did you know it's your third anniversary coming up, this Sunday? That's right. Three weeks in the ten acre field. What have you got to say about that, Andrew?

[FARMER TINSEL pulls the sack off the scarecrow's head to reveal a man's face]

Andrew

Please... please, Mr. Tinsel... let me go.

Farmer Tinsel

What? When you're doing such a fine job keeping those greedy crows off my turnips? I don't think so, Andrew. Maybe next month, eh?

Andrew

At... at least leave the bag off... for a while.

Farmer Tinsel

Ooh, I'm not sure about that.

Andrew

Please.

Farmer Tinsel

All right. I dare say a bit of fresh air'll do you good. I'll, uh... I'll take a walk down to the reservoir. But don't try any of that screaming. I've got me gun!

[FARMER TINSEL exits shot]

Andrew

Oh, God. Oh, God. Thank God. Thank God. GIRLS! GIRLS! COME HERE! Girls... come here. Come here, come here, come here. Come here, quick. Look. There isn't much time. I need you to get some help.

Radclyffe

What kind of help, Mister Ward?

Andrew

What... uh, you... know who I am?

Radclyffe

Of course we do. You're Mister Ward from the cash and carry. Farmer Tinsel has kept you imprisoned here for ages because you slept with his wife. She thinks you deserted her and went away but you've been here in the field all this time.

Andrew

Eh?

Chloe

So let's get this back on your head.

[She picks up the sack and pulls it down over his head]

Andrew

No! Help me! No!

Benjamin has to babysit the twins. It's part of the conditions of his stay. Which sounds fair. Until you realise just how creepy Chloe and Radclyffe are. Cute? Yes. But creepy.

[THE TWINS materialise in the room, making BENJAMIN jump]

Twins

[In unison]

Benjamin... we can't sleep. Can we play a game?

Benjamin

Really, girls. You should be in bed. It's too late to play.

Twins

[In unison]

Please play with us.

Benjamin

But I promised your Mummy and Daddy I'd make sure you didn't get up.

Twins

[In unison]

Please, please...

Benjamin

NO! Now... go to bed.

[We hear THE TWINS running upstairs and closing the door of their bedroom but seconds later they miraculously re-appear in the Living Room giving BENJAMIN his second fright of the night]

Chloe

If you don't play with us, we'll tell Daddy of you.

Benjamin

What do you mean?

Radclyffe

We'll say we came down here and caught you doing something naughty.

Benjamin

Like what?

Twins

[In unison]

Shaking hands with the governor of love!

Benjamin

Don't be silly. He won't believe that.

Radclyffe

He will. We know how to say it to make it sound real.

Chloe

You wouldn't want to make him angry. I once saw him beat a man 'til both him and the man were crying.

Benjamin

Look, I'm not going to let you blackmail me. Now... I've told you. Go to bed!

Twins

[They scream loudly]

Benjamin

All right! All right! We'll... play a game but... just for a bit.

Chloe

Radclyffe, fetch the blindfold. We're going to play Wind in the Willows.

Mick McNamara is a tour guide at Stump Hole, Royston Vasey's second most popular caves. And he has a backstory. See if you can spot it.

Mick McNamara

It's around about this stage of the tour I like to raise the subject of darkness. You know, there's nothing quite like the darkness we get down here in the caves. And to illustrate this, we do like to turn out all the lights... just for a few moments.

[MICK flicks some switches and the cave is plunged into total darkness]

I myself... not fond of the darkness. I sleep with the lights on now. It's in the darkness I see the boy's face. Eyes protruding, tongue out... black.

[MICK turns the cave lighting back on]

If you look over here, you'll see some of the limestone formations which Stump Hole is more famous... this one over here... people say to me, "Mick, that doesn't look like anything at all." but I don't know... when I look at it I seem to see a little pair of hands clutching at a slippery wet rope, sliding down, down into the dark water. Sometimes I'll stand here for hours... just looking at it.

Barbara is driving Geoff to work. Even though it's a big day for both of them. But especially Barbara. It's an especially big day for Barbara.

Barbara

It's not like you, Geoff, getting a taxi to work.

Geoff

Well, I thought I'd treat myself. It's a special day for me, this.

Barbara

Me, too. I'm going in or me op. It's the biggie.

Geoff

Oh. Are you... nervous about it?

Barbara

Not really. One little pr**k and it'll all be over.

Geoff

Oh.

Barbara

Yeah. Then they cut me c*ck off.

Ross has finally broken cover and revealed his true identity. Pauline is in big trouble. Her days as a work coach are numbered.

Ross

This is all the evidence I need for your instant dismissal and believe me, I'm gonna push for that.

Pauline

What is it?

Ross

It's my report. Use of abusive and threatening language, unprompted violence and physical attacks...

Pauline

Oh... sit down, Ross. You think I'm gonna fall for that one?

[ROSS pulls out a Dictaphone and presses play. We hear PAULINE'S voice on the recording]

Pauline's Voice

You work-shy set of bastards, what's the point in you... sit up straight you bone-idle lazy c*nt.

[ROSS stops the playback]

Pauline

What's that?

Ross

That was your workshop on self-esteem for the unemployed.

Chloe, Radclyffe and their friends are on a school trip to Mr. Tinsel's farm. The highlight? Witnessing a birth. Sadly, the useless Mr. Chinnery is in charge of proceedings. Oh dear!

Mr. Chinnery

All right, everyone. I hope you're enjoying your trip to Mr. Tinsel's farm. And now, what I hope will be the highlight... a chance for us all to witness the first, faltering steps of a tiny new life. And this is the star of our show, as it were, Monica the cow. And Monica has been in labour for almost twelve hours. Now what we mean by that is that the little baby cow has been trying to come out of it's Mummy's womb.

[A LITTLE GIRL has raised her hand]

Yes?

Natalie

What's a womb, Mr. Chinnery?

Mr. Chinnery

Oh, the womb is a special place inside Monica where the baby grows. But sometimes the baby cow needs a little help coming out and that's what we're going to have to do now. So what I have to do is put my hand inside Monica...

Class

[In unison]

Eeeew!

Mr. Chinnery

...attach this rope around the baby's hooves and we give a great big tug and out will pop the little calf so... here we go.

[CHINNERY inserts his arm up to the shoulder]

Boy

Urgh, he stuck his hand up its bum!

Mr. Chinnery

I know that's what it looks like. No. I am, of course, inserting my arm into the, uh... other passage.

Boy

It is its bottom. I saw it lift its tail and poo came out of it.

Mr. Chinnery

No, no, no, no.

Chloe

My father knows about these things, Mr. Chinnery. It is its rectum!

Mr. Chinnery

No, no. It is tight, though. No wonder it's a difficult labour. Ah! These feel like the hooves. If I just get the rope around them...

[CHINNERY pulls and the intestines and other internal organs of the cow spill out all over the floor, much to the horror of the assembled SCHOOLCHILDREN]

Mr. Chinnery

There we go!

Radclyffe

It looks like offal, Mr. Chinnery.

Mr. Chinnery

No, no, no... that's the... uh, that's just the birth... sac.

Chloe

Isn't that a liver?

[CHINNERY realises that the CHILDREN were right all along and that he has, in fact, just disembowelled a cow]

Mr. Chinnery

Oh, Christ! Don't look, Natalie. Don't look.

Farmer Tinsel

All right, Veterinary? How's she doing?

Mr. Chinnery

I'm afraid there have been one or two... complications.

[MONICA the cow falls sideways and lands with a loud thud on the barn floor, dead as a doornail]