Harry is, for the one thousandth time, trying to talk Lloyd out of his vegetative state. The only way he can do that is to convince him that Mary being out of his life is a
good thing. Hmm.
Come on, Lloyd. You've gotta get over her. Mary Samsonite was just a girl. Besides, she's married. And even if it
had worked out, would you really want ginger babies?
Harry hasn't spoken to his parents in twenty years. Because they're philistines who can't grasp the concept that some people are gay. Only he's not. He's a putz.
I dunno about this, Lloyd. I haven't been home in over twenty years.
Come on, Harry. You need a genital organ match. They're your
I'm not gonna go crawling back to them, Lloyd. Not after what they did to me.
What'd they do?
They threw me out of the house.
Just 'cos I told them I was gay.
Why'd you tell them that?
I was sick of mowing the lawn.
How much abuse do Oriental people suffer as the result of that line from Full Metal Jacket? Probably loads. Certainly when Lloyd is around.
We love you, Harry.
Do you love him...
long time? [Laughs]
I think if any man EVER refers to the vaginal delivery of his child as
au snatchurale he will probably find himself instantly incapable of fathering any more children. And rightly so.
So did you, uh... ever have the baby?
I had a daughter. Named her "Fanny."
You hear that, Har? A little girl. Fanny Felcher!
[He hits HARRY playfully in the right kidney]
You all right?
Oh, bad back. Oh, I have so many questions for you.
Well, for starters, how was the pregnancy? I mean was it a tough one? Did they have to saw you open?
Woah, Har. Dial it down. We're talking about the miracle of childbirth here.
What my insensitive friend
meant was, did you have a C-Section or were you able to have the baby au-snatchurale?
Harry has just jumped back into the car and manages to say only one word before Lloyd silences him to listen to the lottery results.
Shh. They're picking the lottery balls.
Here's today's Mega Lottery fix, worth $34 million. The first number is 44. The next is 2. 38, 24, 21 and 54.
[As the numbers are read, we can see that LLOYD'S ticket has all of the numbers on it. He's a winner]
CRIPES! I was
so close. I had all the right numbers but in the wrong order! [He screws up his lottery ticket and throws it out of the window]
Harry and Lloyd have arrived at the home of his long-lost daughter in Maryland where they are being extended every hospitality.
Would you like some hot tea with lemon?
Oh, no! I can see why you might think that; two gentlemen travelling together. But we're straight.
Lloyd is lost in another of his day dreams. Another action scene followed by tragedy when Harry is mortally wounded and with his dying breath... Well, this is fu*ked up to be honest.
LLOYD! Please... save my daughter. And then... I want you to bone her like a chicken cutlet, you hear me, Mister?
The pair have made it to "KEN" and Harry has now been mistaken by the organisers for Doctor Pinchelow.
Relax, Har. We're gonna find her. Don't get that dying kidney all worked up.
Oh, it's not the kidney. I think I gotta pinch a loaf.
Pinchelow? Did someone say "Pinchelow"? Oh, my goodness. It
is you. You're really here! I... I'm Doctor Meldmann. How was your trip from Maryland?
Not so great. Somebody stole our car and...
...he finger-bombed an old lady.
Harry and Lloyd are in the audience for Professor Garabedian's lecture. Which is, they feel, the right time and place to make fart noises and shout "nerd" at him.
[On stage giving a talk on Dark Matter]
That... that, that, that Dark Matter is likely...
[HARRY is making farting noises with his armpit and he and LLOYD are laughing loudly]
... the missing piece of the puzzle that physicists have been searching for... for years.
Lloyd & Harry
Nerd, nerd, nerd, nerd, nerd, nerd, nerd, nerd, nerd...
[Approaches them in an electric wheelchair and uses the chair's speech synthesiser to speak to them]
Excuse me, gentlemen...
Holy crap! Did that come from you?
...Doctor Garabedian is a world renowned astrophysicist and many of us are interested in hearing his findings.
I'm reading his mind.
I'm picking it up, too.
Th... thank you, Doctor Dilbeck but... Doctor Pinchelow is right. My Dark Matter data was insufficient.
[The crowd gasp in disbelief at this confession]
What the fu*k?!
If Fraida believes that offering the receptionist at KEN sexual favours will get her admitted, she's mistaken. Barking up entirely the wrong tree, in fact.
Mister... I am appealing to your sense of God and family. I got a message my daughter, who I have not seen in twenty-two years, is in there.
The event will be letting out soon. After twenty-two years, what's another couple hours, right?
Okay, buddy. There's got to be a, uh... broom closet around here somewhere, huh? I'm sure... we could work something out.
I didn't take thirty-four years to come out of the closet just to go back into one with