27 MP3 Audio clips from Season 4 of Big Mouth (2017)

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Puberty is a b**ch. Especially when, for no apparent reason, you start to develop hairy nipples. I mean what's the purpose of that? To keep them warm?

Jessi

Maybe I'll finally learn how to pluck my -

Connie

Your nipple hairs?

Jessi

I was going to say eyebrows. You noticed them?

Connie

The thing is, your nipple hairs are black but the rest of your hairs are red.

Gabe used to be Natalie. He's transgendered and now uses she/her pronouns. But this is lost on the boys at camp who are full of inappropriate questions.

Boy

Do you pee standing up or lying down?

Natalie

What the fu*k? Do you pee lying down?

Seth

Okay, you know what, everyone? I'm just gonna ask the thing that we're all thinking but not asking. What does your crotch look like?

Boy

That was my question.

Boy

Thank you!

Seth

I know. Someone had to.

Mosquito

Oh, God... this is a disaster. But don't cry. They'll think you're weak and then they'll pounce!

Natalie

My crotch looks like the back of your mom's head while she's slurping me off.

Seth

But what is my mom slurping off?

Boy

Please... just tell us if you have a d*ck.

Milk

Your buttocks remain the same, correct?

Natalie

Shut the fu*k up, Milk. Shut the fu*k up, all of you. Eat my fu*king a**hole.

[Natalie runs out of the cabin]

Harry

Well, then. That went terribly. But at least I've come out unscathed.

Barbara doesn't agree with Marty's decision to send Andrew to Summer Camp. She's your average neurotic, over-protective mother. And Andrew isn't happy about the situation, either.

Barbara

Bye, sweetie. Don't try anything.

[Marty hits the gas and Andrew watches in horror as his parents speed away]

Andrew

Wait! No! Don't leave me here. I'll put the screens on the house with you. I'll do anything. I'll suck your d*ck.

Maurice

Whoa, whoa, whoa, Andrew... you gotta talk to me before you offer to blow your dad. There's a form you have to fill out, buddy.

In the dictionary, under Gross (adj.), it says simply... see this.

Nick

Look, guys... I think we can all agree you're both pretty gross.

Seth

Well, if sending your cousin a picture of your girthy hog is gross, then I am twenty-six times gross.

Andrew

I also sent my cousin a d*ck pic.

Seth

Technically, it was my aunt. But... she was one of those young aunts...

Andrew

Oh, a young aunt. Sounds like your grandma stayed fertile for a long time.

Nick is upset. Mainly because Andrew seems to have inherited a habit from Seth of flashing his scrotum. Which is enough to upset most people, I would suggest.

Maurice

Yeah... wah-wah! Run away you back-stabbing b**ch baby.

Connie

SHUT UP, MAURY! YOU FU*KING -

[She kicks Maurice in the ass and one of her skis becomes lodged in there]

- A**HOLE!

Maurice

OH! That feels good. Stick the other one in and pry me open.

Connie

I hate that you like this but it's the only way to get my skis -

[She kicks him in the ass with the other foot and, sure enough, loses her other ski]

- off!

Maurice

Ooh! My proctologist is never gonna believe I didn't do this to myself.

Natalie, for fairly obvious reasons, is excused from swimming. And I don't think I really need to explain why. It would be like Hammy the Hamster after a big meal down there, huh?

Staff

Get changed for waterfront, girls. Let's go. Bathing suits.

Natalie

Ummm... I don't have to do swimming. Didn't you read the detailed e-mail from my mom, you bald fu*k?

Staff

The one that started, Dear Bald Fu*k? Yes. I did. You and your mom are both very mean. That said, you don't have to go swimming. Glaser, put on your bathing suit.

Nick hasn't showered since he arrived at camp. Because he's too ashamed of his penis and can't bear the thought of the other boys seeing it and making jokes about shrimps. Or something.

Nick

Urgh. I feel so gross from not showering.

Connie

Urgh, you smell like a fart farted.

Boys

[Begin sniffing the air]

Andrew hasn't taken a dump for days. Or perhaps weeks. Because he has an aversion to communal facilities. And, for this reason, he's backed up like the Suez Canal. Bit of current affairs satire for you!

Andrew

Maury, what's happening to me?

Maurice

Well, you're hallucinating, you have cramps, it's been a month since you -

[He gasps in horror]

- wait a second! Step into my office.

[INT: A room at Camp Mohegan has become a doctor's office. Maury is the doctor and he's sounding Andrew's stomach with a stethoscope]

Okay, fart.

[Andrew farts]

Fart again.

[Andrew farts]

Okay, big, wet fart.

[Andrew flat-out sh*ts himself]

Oh no. It's just as I feared.

Andrew

What is it? You can tell me. Is it AIDS?

Maurice

Oh Andrew. You're suffering from... POOP MADNESS!

Andrew

[Screams]

Poop Madness?!

Missy's new look is causing quite the stir. Gone are the childish, frumpy dungarees and in are the jeans, crop top and braided hair.

Andrew

All the girls in our grade are taken.

Maurice

Not all of them. What about that new girl?

[The new girl is, in fact, Missie who has had a total make-over during the summer break]

Andrew

Ooh! New girl?

Nick

Whoa!

Andrew

Oh my God. Is that... Missy?

Maurice

Mmmmmm. And you can see her yummy tummy. Andy likey...

Andrew

God, I bet her belly-button smells insane.

Nick

Hey, Missy. Love the new look.

Andrew

Yeah, it's fu*kin' fantastic.

Missy

Well, fellas... this actually is not for you. So avert your male gaze and keep you comments to yourself. And do not touch my hair with your eyes.

Maurice

Okay... well how about him touching the inside of your mouth with his penis?

Nick

Well, it's official. There's no-one left in our grade to go out with.

I don't believe that context is necessary for this. The visual image is funny enough. Oh, sure... it's gross but it's also strangely amusing. Right? No? Oh. Just me then.

Connie

Why'd you lie, Jessi? You can't do the splits. Your tampon would shoot out like a Nerf™ dart.

DeVon and Missy have become quite close. Of course, DeVon is still technically married to Devin. And I say technically because they're both twelve years old for fu*k's sake!

Missy

Oh, maybe my old look was more me.

DeVon

Hey Missy.

Missy

Oh, hey, DeVon.

DeVon

Look... I'm sorry Devin said that stupid sh*t about your hair on the bus.

Missy

Yah, it was not, uh... one hundred.

DeVon

Sure. One hundred.

Missy

It's just that I'm really struggling with my racial identity right now. My mom's white, my dad's black, I'm voiced by a white actress who's thirty-seven years old. Yeah. It's all very overwhelming.

DeVon

Yeah, I hear that.

Michael Angelo is Jessi's new boyfriend. He's a bohemian pavement artist who Nick absolutely detests. Andrew's feelings are, apparently, the polar opposite, however.

Andrew

So... is that a sheep or... is it a cloud? E... either way, it's... genuis.

Michael Angelo

Stop! Stop right there! You're perfect.

Andrew

[Giggles coquettishly]

Michael Angelo

And you know it, too, don't you?

Andrew

You're gonna paint me?

Michael Angelo

Yeah.

Andrew

Like a French whore? Well, should I take my shirt off?

Maurice

YES! You'll be his muse.

Andrew

Oh... monsieur!

Maurice

Lay naked on a silk sheet, eating papaya.

Andrew

Oh, yeah! And I'll still be wearing my socks.

Mona is inappropriate. I mean, really inappropriate. If being inappropriate were an Olympic sport, she'd win gold every time. She's that inappropriate.

DeVon

You know... being a fake version of myself is definitely corny.

Missy

Yeah but don't be hard on yourself. Sometimes you have to code-switch for safety or to get ahead in this honky town.

DeVon

[Chuckles]

I fu*k with the new Missy.

Mona

Really?

DeVon

You know, I just... I just wish I could be myself around my friends more.

Missy

You can always be yourself around me.

DeVon

Aww, thanks Missy.

Mona

Grab him and stick your tongue down his throat. Let's turn Ground Zero into... Pound Zero.

Missy

Wow... you are so inappropriate.

Mona

That's my job.

Missy

And besides, I like DeVon being my friend.

Mona

But he's the coolest boy in school. And did you see his hot little nipples in the Wakanda sequence?

Missy

Mona... you know I did. But he's a married man.

Mona

Mmm hmm. So was Robert Plant when he took my virginity.

Breaking up is hard to do. Connie has been Nick's Hormone Monster since the earliest onset of puberty. But she needs to move on. It's not him. It's her.

Connie

Hey, Nick? Can we talk?

Nick

About what? How hot and cool and mysterious Michael Angelo is?

Connie

No, honey. We need to talk about us.

Nick

Oh - fine. Let's just do it on the bus.

Connie

I'm not getting on the bus, sweetie.

Nick

Why? Because it smells like BO and jizz?

Connie

No. Those are my favourite smells. You know that.

It's 2052. The year, not the time... obviously. Nick Birch has become Nick Starr, host of the gameshow Countdown to Money and there's no easy way to say this... Nick Starr is an asswipe.

V/O

Sit tight or shake your booty. 'Cause it's time to -

Audience

Countdown to Money with Nick Starr!

Nick Starr

Nĭ hăo! Welcome back to Countdown to Money where the poor and desperate humiliate themselves for the chance to receive basic human services!

Audience Member

I haven't peed in weeks.

Nick Starr

That's right. Nowadays, you have to pay to pee! But not right now because it's time to play our next game...

Audience

Fu*k Your Brother!

Nick Starr

Danny and Jerry Lynch. Tell us why you're here.

Danny

Well, our mom has cancer and medical insurance doesn't exist anymore.

Jerry

Plus, we love the show!

Nick Starr

And have you thought about who's going to fu*k whom?

Danny

Well, I've got the tinier d*ck so... our family agreed it should be me.

Audience

[Booing]

Audience Member

We want the big d*ck.

Nick Starr

Oh, ho! Lynch brothers, you heard 'em. They want the bigger d*ck. But first, a word from our sponsor.

V/O

Do you find physical and emotional intimacy with others impossible?

Nick Starr

Oh, yeah.

V/O

Well, what if orgasms came in a can?

Nick Starr

[Inhales from a can]

Oh, YEAH!

With instant orgasm inducer, Ohyeah, I can cum whenever I want without the hassle of dealing with other people or even myself.

[Inhales from a can]

Oh, fu*k yeah!

Jingle

♪

Easy quick squirt, it's Ohyeah.

In a dystopian future, hover cars and hungry, rampaging mobs are commonplace. Nick Starr isn't used to the latter and having been surrounded, orders his robot A-3 to act.

Nick Starr

Do something, A-3. Fly out of here!

A-3

Flying mode is prohibited because of the mosquitoes.

Nick Starr

Enough of this PC culture... just do it, man.

[The car lifts off and climbs through the green clouds that shroud the city]

Oh my! Those black clouds are blocking the sun.

A-3

Those are not black clouds.

Nick Starr

Sorry. African-American clouds.

A-3

No, Nick. Those are the mosquitoes.

Nick Starr

Well, who's the racist now?

[Mosquitoes begin splatting against the windshield and A-3 who sits atop the vehicle]

Nick Starr

Oh my God, this is disgusting.

Alarm

Fu*k! Fu*k! Fu*k! Fu*k!

A-3

Prepare for emergency landing.

Nick Starr

WHOOOOOAAAAH! My cold brew...

This scene is pretty moving. Right up until Diane mentions Jay giving both she and her husband the "deep-d*cking of their lives." Yeah. Not great in retrospect.

Nick Starr

Elliot... Diane...

Diane

Yo.

Nick Starr

What if the world was ending but only one of you could survive? What would you do?

Diane

Oh... is this one of your Countdown to Something games?

Elliot

We only watched the first season.

Nick Starr

No. It's a real question.

Elliot

I would gladly sacrifice myself for your mother.

Diane

Oh, Elliot. You wouldn't need to because I would never leave you.

Nick Starr

I see.

Elliot

We had this very conversation last night.

Diane

Right before Jay gave us the deep-d*cking of our lives.

Elliot

It's true. Your mother got a nosebleed.

Telling a woman that she looks like a mom is not a form of flattery. Nick Starr's lucky to have retained his balls having come out with this social monstrosity.

Nick Starr

Hello. I'm Nick Starr.

Gina

I know, Nick. It's me... Gina?

Nick Starr

Gina! You look like a mom.

Gina

That's because I am a mom.

Nick Starr

Yeah, I can see that.

Gina

[Under her breath]

Mother fu*ker!

Well, uh... I'm gonna go get us some seats but, Nick... it's been nice to look into your dead eyes and see nothing but profound loniliness.

Nick Starr

Oh, well... thanks for watching.

Nick Starr has a plus one for the ark which is going to take a select few human survivors from a doomed Earth. He's hoping Jessi will go along for the ride. And for the journey. Ahem.

Nick Starr

Jessi... what if it could be different now? What if I told you everything was about to change?

Jessi

What are you talking about?

Nick Starr

Look, I didn't come here for Missy's funeral. I came here to see you.

Jessi

Really?

Nick Starr

The world is ending, Jessi.

Jessi

Yeah. No sh*t. Why do you think I shaved my head?

Nick Starr

No. Like... today. Fu*king ASAP. The Earth's core is about to explode.

Jessi

Oh my God.

Nick Starr

But I have a way for you and I to survive. You just have to let me stick this pill up your butt.

Jessi

I've fallen for that before -

Nick Starr

I'm not joking around, Jessi.

Andrew Glouberman has a set routine for... um... spanking his monkey, if you catch my drift. The ingredients for this method are beyond weird. They're warped. The kid is one sick puppy.

Andrew

Maternity catalogue...

Maurice

A tissue, two, three, four.

Andrew

This is it. I can feel it in my tight, smooth sac. We're gonna get through the method this time.

Maurice

Stay focussed. I can't stay up all night. I'm getting my hair pubed in the morning.

Andrew

You're getting your hair pubed?

Maurice

Carlo is opening early for me.

Andrew

That sounds like a funny thing for somebody to -

Maurice

ANDREW! FOCUS!

Andrew

Okay. Tissue one.

Maurice

Two...

Andrew

Three. Oh, fu*k! I ripped it!

Maurice

It's fine. A ripped tissue still holds jizz. It says so on the bottom of every box of Puffsâ„¢

Tito

No, no, NO! The tissues have to be perfect to hold his huge amounts of icky-sticky.

Maurice

Oh, here we go!

Andrew

Yeah, I... I should start over.

Maurice

This is madness. You desperately need to jack that stack.

Andrew

I know.

Maurice

It's the only way to relieve your stress and anxiety.

Andrew

I feel like I'm gonna have a juvenile heart attack.

Maurice

So masturbate!

Tito

No! Last time you yanked your sick little chode without the Glouberman method, you killed your grandfather.

Andrew

Tito's right. I'm just gonna go to sleep.

Maurice

What?! You've never gone to bed without jerking off. And I don't respond well to change.

Andrew

We can try again in the morning.

Maurice

In the morning? That's when I'm getting my hair pubed. And believe me, the audience wants to see what that is.

[Breaking the fourth wall in a homage to Howard Beale]

YOU! YOU AT HOME! GET UP OUT OF YOUR CHAIRS! SAY IT. "I'M MAD AS HELL THAT MAURY MIGHT NOT GET HIS HAIR PUBED! AND I'M NOT GOING TO TAKE THIS ANY MORE!"

Matthew's mother, Kimberly, has elected to involve his little sister, Britney in her bake-off this year. Because, of all things, he's gay. I mean, really? What does his sexuality have to do it?

Britney

Look, Matthew! I'm macerating the flour.

Matthew

Oh! Is... Britney helping us today?

Kimberly

I asked your sister to do the bake-off with me this year. Honey... you wanna lick the spoon?

[Britney takes the spoon and begins the lick the cake mix from it]

Maurice

She's letting Britney lick the spoon?

Kimberly

I figured you'd be too busy with your... new friends.

Matthew

Oh, w-well... that's... actually great because I am busy and I'm thrilled to get this time back.

Maurice

No you're not. You're crushed! And there's only one person to blame. Fu*king Britney. Britney's such a busted b**ch. She's got, like... no teeth. Like... hello?! Meth-head, please!

Matthew

Maury, she's seven.

Maurice

Yeah, she might be seven but let's be honest, Matt. She's a fu*king three.

It's the big day. The Bake Off. And Matthew and his... friend are competing against Matthew's mother who's not impressed with their effort. Or their relationship to be honest. The homophobe.

Kimberly

Oh! Well, that doesn't look like a cake.

Aiden

We made cake pops.

Maurice

And I made my famous Swiss Roll. The filling has been in my family's nut sacks for generations.

The Shame Wizard has shown up to the funeral of Andrew's grandfather. Whose corpse Andrew has just masturbated in front of. Long story. No desire to explain. Too disgusting.

Shame Wizard

Andrew! You've outdone yourself this time.

Andrew

[Crying]

I know. I'm disgusting. I killed my grandpa.

Shame Wizard

And then you jacked off in front of his corpse.

Andrew

You sound almost proud of me.

Shame Wizard

Andrew, I work with many loathsome creeps but none as consistently wretched as you.

Andrew

... thank you?

Shame Wizard

No. Thank you!

Metaphors. Specifically, metaphors for sex. That's how Kimberly chooses to address her son's sexuality. Baking is... well, you know... and as for cakes... yeah. Babies. Behold...

Matthew

Mom! So... you're just gonna leave without saying goodbye?

Kimberly

I'm sorry. I can't... Maybe I'm old fashioned but I just don't think two boys should be baking together.

Matthew

Mom, didn't you always know that I would end up baking with a boy?

Kimberly

No... you're choosing to bake with boys. You don't have to. You could make a beautiful cake with a woman.

Matthew

Oh, mom! I'm not to going to make a cake with a woman. Ever! I don't like the ingredients. I don't understand the utensils. Nothing would rise.

Kimberly

I do not like this metaphor any more, Matthew.

Matthew

Okay.

It's Halloween. The doorbell rings at the Glouberman house and Marty opens the door to greet the Trick or Treaters.

Kids

Trick or treat!

Marty

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know. TREAT! Here's an unwearable v-necked undershirt for you. A tiny conditioner from Courtyard by Marriott and for you... a charger from my old Palm Pilot. Now scram. I've already called the cops.

[As Marty slams the door in the bemused and disappointed faces of the children, a patrol car pulls up, blipping its siren]

Jay is bisexual. But I THINK his bisexuality only applies to pillows and cushions. Because Jay... loves soft furnishings. He loves them all night long!

Male Cushion

Hell yeah! I'm getting hot just thinking about your hanging flapper resting on my chin.

Jay

Hang on -

Male Cushion

I wanna blow your Greek penis.

Female Cushion

Oh... LORD! Me too. I want you to bang me so hard I get Bell's palsy.

Jay

Wow!

Maurice can be subtle. He can be calm. But today he's decided that in order to heal the relationship between Matthew and his mother, slightly more stringent action is required.

Matthew

Oh, Maury. What do I do?

Maurice

Matthew, step out of the room. I'm gonna have a word alone with your mother.

[Matthew leaves the room whereupon we hear Maurice smashing stuff up as he shouts]

Maurice

ARE YOU FU*KING KIDDING ME, KIM? YOU'VE GOT THE BEST GODDAMED KID IN THE GAME. SO GET THE FU*K ON BOARD BEFORE YOU LOSE HIM.