14 MP3 Audio clips from Season 1 of Big Mouth (2017)

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It's the show's theme song, "Changes" performed by Charles Bradley. Perfect as a ringtone.

I'm going through changes.

I'm going through changes.

Oh, in my life. Oh, ooh, ooh...

Andrew is nervous about going to the dance but even more nervous about asking a girl to go with him. He just can't deal with that kind of rejection.

Andrew

So this, like, dance on Friday? I think I'm not gonna go.

Nick

Oh, please. Yes you are.

Andrew

I'm not gonna ask a girl. I don't need that kind of rejection.

Nick

We're gonna go as a group. Me, you, Jessie and Jay.

Andrew

But Jay's been bragging that he's gonna get fingered at the dance.

Nick

What?

Andrew

He's gonna get fingered!

Nick

Okay... I... first of all I think he... he's got that wrong... either that or you have grossly misquoted him.

Andrew

Huh.

Nick

And Jay hasn't even kissed a girl. I guarantee it. None of us have. Not, you know... with tongue anyway.

Andrew

Of course. 'Cos when you do kiss a girl, to make it official...

Nick

There's gotta be tongue.

Andrew

Major tongue!

Nick

And you wanna flick your tongue around...

Andrew

Ideally...

Nick

And you really wanna get your tongue underneath hers.

Andrew

Yeah, yeah, you wanna get in there like a Claritin to just dissolve

Nick

Yeah.

[Laughs nervously]

We know what we're talking about.

Andrew

It's nice to talk like men.

Nick

Yeah.

Maurice is Andrew's "Hormone Monster", his inappropriate guide through the minefield of puberty. How inappropriate is he? Well, take a listen to this!

Maurice

Knock knock. Who's there? It's the Hormone Monster.

[Laughs]

Andrew

No, no, no, no, no, no, you've gotta be kidding me. Nick is right there, sir.

Maurice

And?

Andrew

And I'm a good person. I wouldn't do that laying next to a friend.

Maurice

Then why am I here?

Andrew

My God, you're always right! What the hell is wrong with me?

Maurice

Nothing. You're a perfectly normal gross little dirt bag! Now stare at that cat clock and massage your dinger.

Andrew

No. Nick's grandmother gave him that clock.

Maurice

She knew what she was doing.

Andrew

Yeah, she did. Okay.

[ANDREW begins to masturbate under the sheets]

Maurice

Ohhhh! What a little clock tease. Her eyes are darting back and forth, thinkin' "Meow, meow, who's got the cream?"

Andrew

Me. I've got the cream.

Maurice

Yeah!

It's the school dance. Coach Steve is complaining to Matthew that the other teachers never want to hang out with him. They're always so busy. They're...

Coach Steve

Teachers at this school, you know? They never wanna hang out. They're always so busy.

Matthew

They're a gaggle of rancid c*nts.

Andrew has just ejaculated in his pants slow dancing with Missy and must now clean up in the toilets. Sadly he drops his phone and ends up diving in to the toilet bowl àla Trainspotting.

Andrew

Wait... what the...?

[ANDREW falls into the toilet where he meets with his discarded sperm]

Sperm 1

Oh my God, isn't this exciting?

Sperm 2

There's no time for excitement, we've gotta find the egg. Where are we? Fallopian tube? Uterus?

Sperm 3

We're in a pu**y right now, right?

Andrew

Uhhhh, you guys are gonna be really disappointed.

Sperm 1

Are we in another sock?

Andrew

No, no, no... a toilet.

Sperm 2

What is wrong with you, Andrew? You're completely out of control.

Andrew

I didn't mean to. This girl asked me to slow dance and I got all tingly and light-headed...

Sperm 3

Hey, Jizz Pants, there's your stupid phone.

Andrew

Oh, thank God.

Sperm 4

There is no God.

Sperm 5

Come on! Let's swim to that giant brown rock.

Sperm 6

Hey, not to sound gay but... I miss the balls.

It's a class outing to New York. Andrew needs to find a seat on the bus. And unless he's quick, he'll end up next to Coach Steve.

Maurice

Jesus! Andrew, if you don't find a seat soon, we're gonna get stuck with...

Coach Steve

Cop a squat, my dude!

Maurice

Nooooooooo! Oh, fu*k a duck. I'm gonna go... well, I'm gonna go fu*k a duck.

[Quacking sound]

Nick has ditched Andrew because he's got a girlfriend now and he's expected to hang out with her and other couples instead. Maurice isn't happy about it.

Maurice

Did that little bastard just ditch you?

Andrew

Well, I guess he's supposed to hang out with his couple friends.

Maurice

Yeah, pretty soon I bet they'll all be swinging together. Just a big old fu*k and suck. Maybe you can be the guy who jerks off in the corner. Every orgy needs a witness. And baby wipes.

Jay. He's what might be called a "feral child" and he's giving Andrew and Jay the grand tour of his decidedly inappropriate home.

Jay

Let me give you the tour. My brothers and I are developing a sh*t storm worth of extreme sports like Break Ball, Golf Punch and Peepkour.

Andrew

Oh, Peepkour... wow!

Jay

Have you heard of it?

Andrew

Uh, no. No-one ever has.

Jay

It's a cross between Parkour and Peeping Tomfoolery. [Laughs] Here, watch. Check this out.

[JAY jumps onto a trampoline and witnesses his next door neighbours having sex through the window]

Hey, Mr. and Mrs. Albert!

Mrs. Albert

Hi, Jay!

Mr. Albert

Hi, Jay!

Jay

[To ANDREW and NICK]

Huh! That was awesome. I got ten points 'cos I saw both their butt-holes.

Andrew witnesses his parents having "role play" sex and is both shocked and appalled in equal measure.

Andrew

Oh my God, girls get horny.

Maurice

And your Mom's a girl.

Andrew

[Looking decidedly nauseous]

So my Mom gets horny?

Maurice

[Putting a comforting arm around ANDREW'S shoulder]

Jesus Christ! Look at the size of your Dad's balls!

Jessi and Matthew have been partnered up with Jay for their science project. He's got an idea. It's whack but it's all they have.

Jay

All right, dumdums. I don't even know if you can handle the idea that I've got.

Matthew

Jessi, can we handle it?

Jessi

I'm wearing a second pair of underwear. Let's do this.

Jay

Good call, 'cos I'm about to sh*t your pants!

Maurice is helping Andrew with his plans to date Missy. He's drawing what LOOKS like a football game plan on a white board. It's actually just a c*ck and balls.

Maurice

Okay, so here's the key. Missy is at the base line. You're gonna pass it down to her, that's asking her out. She's gonna do a spin move... that's her thing, yes? And then that's a d*ck.

Andrew

Wow. I didn't see that coming.

Maurice

Oh, you wanna see it coming? Yeah, give me a sec...

[MAURICE adds the inevitable ejaculate to the diagram]

Nick has been receiving counsel from the ghosts in his attic. They've been mocking him for having an abnormally small penis.

Nick

Okay, ha ha... well, you're all dead.

Duke Ellington

And you got a little d*ck!

Whitney Houston

[Singing]

Your d*ck looks like... a baby's nose!

There's a discussion about a boy in class trying to force a girl's head on to his... you know... and when Maurice gets involved, it only gets worse.

Jay

How else are guys supposed to get blowjobs?

Maurice

You lean your head back, arch your crotch in the air and say, "a-dinner is served-a."

Maurice is introducing Andrew to the history of erotica. A walk through the ages of pornography. Just what a thirteen-year-old boy needs, right? No. Absolutely not.

Maurice

Oh, my little sweet potato. There's a whole world of pornography out there. In fact, you can trace erotica all the way back to the early palaeolithic cave drawings.

Caveman

What's your safe-word again?

Cavewoman

Honestly, I'm embarrassed. But it's ooga booga.

Maurice

In the third century, the Kama Sutra became the standard go-to jerk work.

Woman

Sorry, can you just shift a little bit? My leg is cramping.

Man

You're cramping? I'm upside fu*king down!

Andrew

Very well researched.

Maurice

Video changed the game and for a while, flicks helped us fap.

Pizza Boy

Did someone order a pizza? 'Cos I already ate it.

Woman

Jesus, Ron are you gonna burp into my pu**y again?

Andrew

Why would that guy be in a p... oh, it's quite big.

Maurice

And finally, the mother of all pornovations. The internet. Everything you could ever want, whenever you want it.