11 MP3 Audio clips from There's Something About Mary (1998)

PLAY ALL 11 CLIPS

Clip 1

Warren is Mary's brother. He's autistic. And that's really all you need to know about this clip. Aside from some High School boys being total d*cks, that is. Oh and Warren wears bright red ear muffs.

Warren

Have you seen my baseball?

Student

Hey! Buddy! Come here! I think I know where your ball is.

Warren

You've seen my baseball?

Student

Yeah, yeah... I've seen your ball. You see that girl over there? She has it. Except, uh... she doesn't call it a baseball. She's got another name for it.

Zit Face

[Watching events with his FRIENDS]

Nice muffs!

Warren

[Approaching the GIRL who is talking with her BOYFRIEND]

Have you seen my... wiener?

Girl

What?

Warren

Have you seen my wiener?

Boyfriend

What the... what the hell did you just say, buddy? Huh?

Warren

Wiener?

Boyfriend

Hey, get your hand off my car. What the hell did you just say to me?

Clip 2

Ted has walked Mary and Warren home. Mary is very grateful. She likes Ted. Genuinely. And she's about to make his year by asking him to Prom.

Mary

Are you going to the Prom?

Ted

Huh? Yeah, I think Proms are... dumb.

Mary

'Cos I thought maybe we could, um... go together.

Ted

You... you and me?

Mary

Yeah.

[Laughs]

Well? Is that a yes or a no?

Ted

Sure. All right.

Mary

Good. Cool. I'm gonna take Warren back inside, um... I'll see you at school.

Ted

Cool. Catch you back at school!

[Monologue]

From that moment on, the guys at school looked at me in a whole new light.

Zit Face

You're a fu*king liar!

Clip 3

It's that seminal scene (not, the semen scene - that doesn't translate well into audio only). It's the scene where Ted gets his meat and two veg caught in his fly. THAT scene. Ouch!

Ted

I got it stuck.

You got what stuck?

Ted

[Nodding toward his crotch]

It!

Mary's Stepdad

Ohhh! It! Um... um, uh, well... listen, uh... it's not the end of the world. These kind of things happen. Uh... let's have a look at it.

[TED turns to show the carnage in his pants]

Mary's Stepdad

OH, GOD IN HEAVEN SAVE US!

Ted

Shhh! Shh! Shush!

Mary's Stepdad

Uh, Sheila! Sheila honey.

[He goes out into the hallway where his wife and daughter wait anxiously for news]

Sheila honey, uh... you gotta come here. You... you gotta see this.

Ted

No! Don't, don't!

Mary's Stepdad

Don't worry. She's a dental hygienist. She'll know exactly what to do.

Sheila

Hi, Ted.

Ted

Hi, Mrs Jensen. How are you?

Sheila

You okay?

Ted

Yeah.

Sheila

[Looking at copious amounts of skin poking through the teeth of TED'S zipper]

HOLY SH*T!

[Regaining her composure]

Uh, uh... what... uh, exactly are we, uh... looking at here? Um...

Mary's Stepdad

Is it the frank or the beans?

Ted

Uh, uh... I don't know... It looks like... I think it's a little bit of both.

Warren

[From outside in the hallway]

Franks and beans! Franks and beans!

Mary's Stepdad

What's that bubble, there?

Ted

What do you think? It's a...

Mary's Stepdad

Well how the hell did you get the beans above the frank, I mean...

Ted

I don't know. It wasn't like it was a well thought out plan.

Police Officer

[Appearing at the open bathroom window]

Hello there!

Ted

Oh, Christ!

Police Officer

The hell's going on here? Neighbours said they heard a lady scream.

Mary's Stepdad

Uh, uh... well... you're lookin' at him. Hey... you gotta take a look at this thing.

Police Officer

[He looks]

Oh, Jesus!

Mary's Stepdad

Ain't it a beaut?

Police Officer

How the hell did you get the zipper all the way to the top?

Firefighter Lenny

[Walks in through the bathroom door carrying an axe and a radio]

Somebody's gonna have to move that station wagon so I can get the truck in here.

Police Officer

Lenny... come here. Take a look at what this numbnuts did.

Firefighter Lenny

HO-LY SH*T!

[Into his radio]

Mike, Eddie... get down here quick. Bring everybody. Bring a camera... you're not going to believe this! We got a kid down here...

[He pauses transmission]

...what's your name?

Police Officer

Look, there's only one thing to do here.

Firefighter Lenny

You already laid the tracks. That's the hard part. Now we're just gonna back it up.

Police Officer

It's just like pulling off a Band-Aid.

[Having rolled up his sleeves, he takes a firm grip of TED'S zip]

A one... and a two... and a...

Paramedic

[Wheeling TED out of the house on a stretcher]

WE'VE GOT A BLEEDER!

Clip 4

A therapist has implied that Ted is gay. A therapist. Anyway, Ted now has that to deal with too. But at least he has his good friend Dom to fall back on in times of dire need. Sort of.

Dom

He called you gay?

Ted

He implied it.

Dom

Well... you are a writer and writers are artists and... you know... most artists are a little kind of... a little foofy, a little, you know... woofy.

Ted

Foofy and woofy?

Dom

Uh huh. Let me ask you a question. When you smoke a cigar, do you ever pretend it has balls?

Clip 5

Pat Healy is staking out Mary's apartment on behalf of Ted who should really have gone to Florida to look her up himself. Pat is looking her up, alright.

Pat Healy

[Watching MARY get undressed through a pair of binoculars]

Looks like we've found your Mary, Ted. Husband? Negative. Children and a labrador? Negative. Tight little package? Affirmative!

Clip 6

Mary, Lisa, Brenda and Joanie are sitting in a Florida restaurant poring over the lonely heart ads in the local newspaper.

Lisa

Listen to this one. "Seeking sensitive wasp doctor to share candlelit dinners, long walks in Coconut Grove, marriage..."

Mary

Are you looking for a corpse?!

Brenda

You have to be specific when you write those. You have to say, "Seeking deaf mute with, you know... three pound c*ck and trust fund."

Girls

[Laugh]

Clip 7

Pat's playing the odds. He's gleaned some information about Mary from surveillance that he's now using to make her believe that they're ideally suited. Which, of course, they're not.

Pat Healy

My real passion is my hobby.

Mary

Really? What's that?

Pat Healy

I work with retards.

Mary

Isn't that a little politically, um... incorrect?

Pat Healy

Well, to hell with that. No-one's gonna tell me who I can and can't work with, right?

Clip 8

Ted has unwittingly picked up a psychotic (and murderous) hitchhiker. The conversation has gone down hill rapidly since Ted made a joke about the guy's idea for a new business.

Hitchhiker

Seven's the key number here. Think about it. Seven... Elevens. Seven dwarves. Seven, man... that's the number. Seven chipmunks twirling on a branch, eating lots of sunflowers on my Uncle's ranch. You know that old children's tale from the sea. It's like you're dreaming about Gorgonzola cheese when it's clearly Brie time, baby. Step into my office.

Ted

Why?

Hitchhiker

'Cos you're fu*king fired!

Clip 9

Pat has been on a date with Mary. They've said goodnight and he's walking away. Only something seems to be on his mind. Well, TWO things to be exact.

Pat Healy

Oh, uh, Mary?

Mary

Yeah?

Pat Healy

No. Forget it.

Mary

What?

Pat Healy

Nah, nah... it's... it's stupid.

Mary

Come on. You can say it.

Pat Healy

No... really... it's moronic.

Mary

Just SAY it!

Pat Healy

Can I, uh... feel your bosoms before I go?

Mary

Knock yourself out!

Clip 10

Pat and "Norm" are two crazy stalkers united in their hatred for Ted. They're throwing dog treats laced with speed into the apartment in the certain knowledge that it'll send him crazy.

Pat Healy

Wait. How many is this?

Norm

Four.

Pat Healy

Four?! That seems like an awful lot of speed to give one little pooch. Are you sure it won't kill him?

Norm

I never said that.

Clip 11

This is what happens when you feed a dog speed. Methamphetamine in human doses does terrible things to them. Worse, actually, than the film depicts. But this IS kind of funny.

Ted

Hey! Hey! Are you the little guy making all that big noise? Huh?

[He makes kissing noises in the direction of the clearly medicinally deranged animal which then launches itself at his throat and chaos ensues]