14 MP3 Audio clips from Scary Movie (2000)

PLAY ALL 14 CLIPS

Clip 1

Remember the opening scene from Scream? Young girl home alone, a phone call from a killer... classic horror stuff.

[We hear a phone ringing and it's answered by DREW]

Drew

Hello?

Killer

Wanna have a little fun?

Drew

Who is this?

Killer

Tell me your name and I'll tell you mine.

Drew

I don't think so.

[We hear a faint farting sound as she walks towards the stove]

Killer

What's that noise?

Drew

Oops! I farted. I... I didn't think you would hear me.

Killer

No. The popping noise.

Drew

Oh! I'm making popcorn and getting ready to watch a video.

Clip 2

The conversation with the killer continues. Drew is played by Carmen Electra who used to be a glamour model. Which explains why the killer is looking at nude photos of her in Playboy as they speak.

Killer

Hey, you have a nice voice.

Drew

Thanks!

Killer

You never did tell me your name.

Drew

Why do you wanna know my name?

Killer

'Cos I wanna know who I'm looking at.

[This sends DREW into a panic]

Drew

Wh... what did you say?

[Cut to killer dressed in Scream ensemble sat in a lawn chair looking at Playboy]

Killer

Nice breasts!

Drew

Look, what do you want?

Killer

I wanna see what your insides look like.

Drew

Well... well then turn to page fifty-four!

Clip 3

Why would watching The Exorcist make someone think of their girlfriend? Unless their girlfriend's head can rotate through 360 degrees, of course.

Bobby

I was, uh... home watching The Exorcist and it got me thinking about you.

Cindy

If this is about the time I puked green slime and masturbated with a crucifix, it was my first keg party, Bobby!

Clip 4

Brenda and her doper brother Shorty travel to school on the same bus. Which must be an absolute nightmare. I mean to share a bus with someone THIS moronic. It must border on painful.

Shorty

[Laughing]

Brenda

You so loud! And make sure you take your behind to class today.

Shorty

I do be going to class.

Brenda

Lunch is not a class, Shorty.

Shorty

It is when you got the munchies!

[Laughs]

Brenda

That's why you such a dumb-ass.

Shorty

Your mother.

Brenda

You my brother. That's your mother too, Jackass.

Shorty

Oh yeah. Well, then your father, stupid.

Brenda

So? I don't know him!

Shorty

Yeah, me neither.

Clip 5

Buffy. She's hot. But she's also a ho. Apparently. Brenda saw her getting buckwild in a Jacuzzi. With a backup dancer. That's nasty. Apparently.

Cindy

Ooh, wait. There's Buffy.

Brenda

[Scoffs]

I don't know why you hang out with her. She is such a ho!

Cindy

Why do you say that?

Brenda

'Cos I've seen her. My friend Sean had a pool party this summer?

Cindy

Sean?

Brenda

You know, Puff Daddy? Anyway, everybody was drinking Cristal champagne and then it started to get wild and people was gettin' freaky in the pool and stuff. I look over and there was your girl getting buckwild in the Jacuzzi.

Cindy

So?

Brenda

With a backup dancer. I mean, that's nasty! That's... that's lower than a security guard. At least security can get you backstage. She don't love herself!

Clip 6

Cindy is kind-hearted and generous. When she sees a hungry vagrant, she feels she has to feed him. Even if he's not interested in a sandwich and throws it right back at her.

Buffy

Well, I am much more of a people person. I'd like to feed all the hungry little children of the world. I'd much rather help my fellow man than some -

Vagrant

[Appearing right of shot with his hand outstretched]

Spare a dollar?

Buffy

Ooh! Get away from me, you BUM!

Cindy

Buffy! Can't you see he's just hungry? Here you go, Sir. A nice sandwich for you.

[CINDY closes the VAGRANT'S hand around a subway-style sandwich and she and the others walk on]

Cindy

See?

Vagrant

I said a dollar, B**CH!

[He throws the sandwich and it hits CINDY in the back of the head]

Cindy

Ow!

Clip 7

Following Drew's murder, the press are camped out on campus. The camera pans across a number of reporters doing a piece to camera.

Reporter #1

Police are combing the area for clues. It seems there are no witnesses available at this time.

Reporter #2

There are no suspects in custody. Police are asking anyone to come forward.

Reporter #3

Reporting live for Black TV. White folks are dead and we're gettin' the fu*k outta here! Let's roll! Let's go, motherfu*ker!

[The news van careers away leaving dust in its wake]

Clip 8

The press are interviewing Shorty. Yeah. They could have chosen more wisely. Not sure that any of this is suitable for broadcast on anything other than a late-night gag-reel show.

Reporter #1

How close were you to the victim?

Shorty

Real close. Until the roofies wore off and she woke up talkin' about pressin' charges. So I just pulled my tongue out her ass and left.

Reporter #2

What would have been your last words to Drew?

Shorty

RUN, B**CH... RUN!

Clip 9

Bobby, Cindy and Ray are discussing Drew's murder by the fountain. Ray thinks he remembers Drew. But he really remembers her brother, Steve.

Bobby

You guys saw all the reporters out there?

Cindy

Yeah.

Ray

Yeah.

Bobby

They're saying that girl Drew Decker got killed last night.

Cindy

I know.

Ray

You know what? I think I knew her.

Bobby

Really?

Ray

Yeah. She had a brother named Steve?

Bobby

Yeah.

Ray

Long hair, pretty little mouth, perfect ass?

Bobby

That was her.

Ray

Nah, I was talkin' about Steve!

Clip 10

Buffy & Greg and Ray & Brenda are making out on the back seat of Bobby's car. It's a little too close for comfort.

Buffy

You like that, Baby?

Greg

Yeah, that's different.

Buffy

You like that?

Greg

Oh I love that. Oh, I love it when you play with my ass.

Buffy

I'm not playing with your ass.

Greg

[After a pause whilst he works it out]

RAY!

Ray

Oh, my bad!

[There's a popping sound as RAY pulls his finger out of GREG'S a**hole]

Greg

Come on, man!

Clip 11

Greg is incensed at having found a photo of his micro-penis in the locker room. He's shown it to the others.

Cindy

You're not the only one who got one.

Greg

Wait, y... you mean Bobby's got a baby d*ck too?

Cindy

No... I was talking about the note. I got one too.

Clip 12

Doofy is "special". He wears a fake police uniform and helps out at the Sheriff's office. With a water pistol. Yeah. That kind of "special"!

Doofy

Mom says when I wear this badge you're supposed to treat me like a man of the law.

Buffy

Yeah, well Mom also said for you to stop sticking your d*ck in the vacuum cleaner.

[Everyone laughs]

Clip 13

There's something seriously wrong with this gym teacher. She's built like a Russian athlete and has "extras" you don't even want to think about. And "she's" a bit of a predator.

Gym Teacher

Now... as you'll all have heard... there is a killer in town and the police have asked us to give you the following safety tips. Stay in well-lit areas, do not travel alone whenever possible, always wipe front to back and remember... never, ever believe someone when they tell you that shaving your pubic hair will rid you of crab infestation.

Clip 14

Is Bobby the killer? Or is it Ray? Or is it BOTH of them? Or neither of them? And if it's neither of them, who is it? And is Ray really gay? Let's find out...

Bobby

But abstinence'll make you discover new things about yourself. That's right, Cindy... I'm gay. And in case you haven't noticed... so is Ray.

Ray

What? I ain't gay.

Bobby

What are you talking about? You took me to that club.

Ray

So? They play good music.

Bobby

Well, what about our trip to San Francisco, then?

Ray

I wanted to go shopping.

Bobby

But... you... made love to me.

Ray

No. Woah. First of all you sucked MY...

Bobby

Whatever, Ray. Okay? I don't wanna talk about this now. The point is, Cindy... that I'm a new man.