10 MP3 Audio clips from Bridesmaids (2011)

PLAY ALL 10 CLIPS

Clip 1

Annie was counting on her Mum joining her at Lillian's party. But her Mum is busy. Giving a talk at the local AA meeting.

Annie

All right. Well, I guess I'm going to Lillian's party by myself, then.

Annie's Mum

Oh don't talk to me about being by yourself. I go everywhere by myself. Well, you know... thanks to that new whore, Barb. No, no, I can say it...

Annie

They've been married twelve years.

Annie's Mum

Okay but she's still a whore. You know, I'm sure she greets him in the evening beaver first!

Clip 2

It's great catching up with long-lost friends. Until they start telling you about their teenage sons and their apparently ridiculous masturbatory habits. Then it's NOT so great.

Annie

Rita!

Rita

Annie!

Annie

Hi!

Rita

Oh, I haven't seen you since you graduated High School.

Annie

Oh my gosh!

Lillian

She has three kids now.

Rita

Three boys.

Lillian

They're so cute.

Rita

They are cute. But when they reach that age... Disgusting. They smell, they're sticky, they say things that are horrible and there is semen all over everything. Okay? Disgusting. I cracked a blanket in half. Do you get where I'm going with that?

Annie

I do, yeah.

Rita

I cracked it in half!

Clip 3

Apparently being single at a party is no fun. Because everyone assumes that you're with the person standing nearest to you.

Megan

You must be Annie's fella. Pl... uh, Megan. It's a pleasure.

Annie

No, he's not, uh... I'm not... he's not... I'm not with him. Sorry.

Megan

Oh. Oh right. I'm glad he's single 'cos I'm gonna climb that like a tree.

Clip 4

Annie isn't the only person to hate Helen. Her own step-children despise her too. Thinking about it, what is there to like really? You can't blame them.

Helen

Oh, Annie... these are my kids.

Annie

Oh!

Step-daughter

Step-kids.

Helen

Step!

[Laughs]

They're so hilarious!

Annie

Funny.

Helen

Excuse me. My husband's kids. What are you guys up to?

Step-daughter

We're going to the snack bar.

Helen

Awesome. You need a ride home later?

Step-son

Fu*k off, Helen!

Helen

Okay... put a quarter in the swear jar. Good to see ya!

Clip 5

Annie is playing doubles tennis against Helen. Not only is it getting competitive but Annie is going all out to hurt her new nemesis, watched by Helen's step-children.

[The sound of vigorous volleys as the ball is smashed back and forth across the net followed by spirited celebrations as ANNIE and her partner triumph]

Step-son

I've seen better tennis playing in a tampon commercial!

Clip 6

Annie's right, of course. Paying half the rent when you're only a third of the tenants isn't fair. At all. But then Brynn has no means of earning money. Well, almost no means.

Annie

Um, I've been thinking and... Brynn needs to start paying rent. That's it. She's been here long enough. The three of us live here. It's not fair for me to be paying half. We split it three ways. What do you say?

Gil

Well, she can't work. She's on a tourist visa.

Brynn

Yeah, so technically I'm only allowed to tour.

Annie

Well, you know...

Brynn

Have no way of earning money. Unless I just go and prostitute down on the street.

Annie

I don't want you to do that.

Brynn

"Hello, fellas. Here I am. Put your American sausage in my English McMuffin."

Gil

No, but we did that...

Clip 7

Helen has managed to get the girls in to Belle en blanc for a dress fitting. Which is great. But the gastrointestinal disturbances they're all about to suffer from isn't.

Megan

Oh, man. This is some classy sh*t here...

[She suddenly and unexpectedly belches]

Rita

Jesus, Megan!

Megan

I'm s... I want to apologise. I'm not even confident of which end that came out of!

Clip 8

The belch was bad, right? Yeah. That was just the tip of the iceberg. A whole lot of sh*t (quite literally) is about to go down at Belle en blanc.

Annie

Lillian. I don't... I don't know what to say. You look...

Megan

[Suddenly doubles over, belches and is very nearly sick]

Annie

Megan... are you okay?

Megan

[Another belch, this time accompanied by a trumpet from the rear]

I think my dre... my dre... my dress was probably just tight.

Helen

Oh my God. You got food poisoning from that restaurant, didn't you?

Annie

No. I had the same thing that she had and I... I feel fine.

[BECCA also has to suppress an urge to vomit]

Shop Owner

Oh my! Okay.

Lillian

Oh no.

Becca

Why is this happening?

Annie

Nothing's happening.

Rita

[Farts loudly]

Shop Owner

Oh my God!

Megan

[Farts loudly]

Rita

You know, I don't really care which dress we get. It doesn't matter to me. I just need to get off this white carpet.

Shop Owner

Okay, no. Not the bathroom. Everybody go outside. I'm SERIOUS! There's a bathroom across the street!

Clip 9

If I were to write a book entitled "Best Ways to Get Fired", this would be top of the list. Number one. Unsurpassed. Call a customer a c*nt. Classy!

Young Girl

Excuse me.

Annie

Oh. Hi.

Young Girl

I'm looking for a birthday gift for my best friend.

Annie

Oh.

Young Girl

I want to get her a necklace that says "Best Friends Forever".

Annie

You sure you want it to say forever?

Young Girl

Yeah. Why?

Annie

C'mon. Forever?

Young Girl

Forever.

Annie

I don't think you guys will be best friends forever. No offence but... you know. The friends you have when you're younger sometimes... sometimes you grow apart. You know, when you get older maybe she'll find a new best friend. And maybe she'll be more successful than you are. And prettier. And richer. And skinnier. And they end up doing everything together.

Young Girl

You're... you're weird.

Annie

Not weird. Okay?

Young Girl

Yes you are.

Annie

No I'm not and you started it.

Young Girl

No, you started it. Did you forget to take your Xanax this morning?

Annie

God, I feel bad for your parents.

Young Girl

I feel bad for your face

[The arguing continues a while longer]

Young Girl

Well, you're an old, single loser who's never gonna have any friends.

Annie

You're a little c*nt!

Clip 10

It's Lillian's wedding shower. Helen is about to send Annie in to a complete meltdown. And understandably so. A trip to Paris? It's just too much.

Helen

It's just a little pre-wedding vacation and while we're there, we're gonna meet the designer of your dress and have a fitting.

Lillian

You're taking me to Paris? Thank you so much.

Helen

A Paris!

Annie

Are you fu*king kidding me?

Annie's Mum

Annie?

Annie

No, Mom. Mother fu*king Paris?

Lillian

Annie, what are you doing?

Annie

I told you about Paris, Helen. I told you about this whole idea.

Lillian

Annie, calm down.

Annie

No, Lillian. What are you gonna go... you're gonna go to Paris with Helen now? What are you gonna... you guys gonna ride around on bikes with berets and fu*king baguettes in the basket on the front of your bikes? Oh, how romantic! What woman gives another woman a trip to Paris? Am I right? LESBIAN! We're all thinking it, aren't we?

Becca

I'm not.

Annie

Okay? Yes. We're all thinking it, right?