7 MP3 Audio clips from The Nutty Professor (1996)

PLAY ALL 7 CLIPS

Clip 1

Following the escape of hundreds of hamsters on campus, Klump is summoned to the Dean's office. He squeezes himself in to a chair for the meeting. Literally.

Dean Richmond

Comfy?

Klump

Quite.

Dean Richmond

Anything I can get for you? Juice? Coffee? Rack of lamb?

Klump

No, Sir. I'm fine.

Clip 2

Dinner time at the Klumps is always an eye-opener. Especially where Grandma Klump is concerned. She's a feisty old bird and always ready to put the younger generation in their place.

Grandma Klump

Mike Douglas. Ohh, Mike Douglas. You know, Mike Douglas; he used to make me moist when I watched his show. I would get... I admit it. I would get moist when I watched his show. Only white man ever did that to me was Mike Douglas.

Papa Klump

I would like to volunteer to take this old bird out of her misery.

Mama Klump

Cletus! Don't you dare say something like that about Mama.

Grandma Klump

No, no, hold it. You ain't gotta protect me from Cletus. Come on, Cletus. Come on! Come on over here. It ain't but a short walk. Come on over. You gonna limp back. You'll walk over, but you're limpin' back.

Clip 3

This is NOT a dining room conversation by any means. If someone started talking about this whilst I was eating? And then started farting? I'd be gone.

Mama Klup

I think I do remember hearing something on TV about colon cleansin'. They say everyone should have one. I'm thinkin' about gettin' me an appointment and goin' down and gettin' my colon cleansed thoroughly.

Papa Klump

You want your colon cleansed? Fine. I'm gon' clean mine.

[He farts loudly]

There. Now my colon is clean. I'm talkin' squeaky clean.

Mama Klump

Every time we have a meal, you break gas. Don't break gas and destroy our meal.

Papa Klump

Don't tell me to stop. You the one that brought up colon cleansin' and all that mess.

Mama Klump

I did not say anything about breakin' gas! I said that I wanted my colon cleaned...

Papa Klump

You can talk about puttin' a tube in somebody's ass, but I can't break wind.

Mama Klump

I didn't say nothin' about putting no hose up nobody's ass...

Papa Klump

What you think a colonic is? You think you run your a**hole by the car wash?

Mama Klump

You're chokin' the baby.

Papa Klump

As long as I pay the bills, I do what I want at this table. Case in point...

[He farts again]

Grandma Klump

Who that called my name?

Papa Klump

Yeah, I called you if your name is...

[He farts again and laughs]

Grandma Klump

Keep insulting me...

[She holds up a knife by the blade]

...I'll toss this between the crack of your ass.

Papa Klump

Yeah, you know I can go all night.

[Farts again]

Mama Klump

I hope you fart until your a**hole falls off.

[The dinner degenerates into laughing, farting and finally... sharting.]

Clip 4

Reggie Warrington is an offensive comic who earlier insulted Professor Klump. But with Buddy Love around, he's got a battle on his hands and it's only going to end ONE way.

Buddy Love

That'd even work with me doin' it to you, Reggie. Yes it would. If I was to say, "Look at Reggie's gums and teeth. Looks like his mother had an affair with Mr. Ed." See? Everybody's laughin'. 'Cos they can visualize your mother in a barn with Mr. Ed. Look what I'm doin', Wilbur. Look at me!

Reggie Warrington

You snappin' on me? Are you snappin' on Reggie?

Buddy Love

It's your teeth, Reggie. I don't know whether to smile at you or kick a field goal, man. Hey, Reggie! It's good! It's all good! And, man, what's wrong with that breath? I can smell it over here. Reggie, your breath is so stink, people look forward to your farts.

Clip 5

And the insults continue. Reggie isn't used to this. A heckler who can roast him so succinctly, play him at his own game and make people laugh at HIM. Nice!

Buddy Love

You want to do fat jokes? All right. Your mother's so fat, the b**ch need a Thomas Guide to find her a**hole! All right! Wait, wait, wait. Your mother's so fat, after sex I rolled over twice, and I'm still on the b**ch! Your mother is so fat, she fell in the Grand Canyon and got stuck! Reggie's mama's so fat that the b**ch get her toenails painted at Earl Scheib! Earl Scheib! Earl Scheib! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

Reggie Warrington

Hey, hey, get off the stage, man. You ain't in show business.

Buddy Love

Reggie's mama is so fat, her blood type is Rocky Road! Isn't that somethin'? Reggie's mother is so fat, her belt size is equator!

Clip 6

Jason is trying to stop Buddy Love attending the Alumni Ball and potentially destroying Professor Klump's work.

Buddy Love

Now if you don't mind, I have a date at the Alumni Ball. And you have a date with Linoleum.

Jason

Who?

[BUDDY LOVE punches JASON in the face and he falls backwards to the floor]

Clip 7

Buddy Love is making his grand entrance to the Alumni Ball. One thing is for certain... nobody's going to forget him for quite some time.

Buddy Love

Is that a test tube in my pocket or am I just happy to see you?

Woman

Huh! How dare you!

Buddy Love

Oh, you know you love it. I bet you're percolating. Whoooooo! Hey! Thanks a lot man. Thank you so much.