15 MP3 Audio clips from Dirty Grandpa (2016)

PLAY ALL 15 CLIPS

Clip 1

Jason has arrived to collect his grandfather. Jason is driving a pink Mini convertible. And, thanks to Grandpa, he now has a large glass of Scotch, too.

Dick

All right. You ready?

Jason

Uh... I thought the plan was to have breakfast here?

Dick

[Pointing to the large Scotch]

That's your breakfast. Now let's get in that giant labia you drove up in and get the fu*k outta here!

Clip 2

Being a corporate lawyer must be awesome. SCC Compliance, LP and LLC Agreements... But there's something that Dick would rather do.

Jason

Yeah, I used to be into photography. But, um... I mean with Dad being at the firm? Just made so much more sense to focus on a college curriculum that stressed the law school track. I mean, I love what I do, Grandpa. Being a corporate lawyer's awesome. I get to... I get to handle SCC Compliance...

Dick

No sh*t.

Jason

Yeah. Yeah.

Dick

You handle SCC Compliance?

Jason

And LP Agreements.

Dick

Oh, man! I didn't know that...

Jason

LLC Agreements...

Dick

You're sh*tting me?

Jason

Being a corporate lawyer, you know... it has its up-sides. Kind of.

Dick

You know what I'd rather do?

Jason

What?

Dick

I'd rather let Queen Latifah sh*t in my mouth from a fu*king hot air balloon.

Clip 3

Lenore is going for the "trifacta". She wants a Freshman, a Senior and a Professor. Dick has told her that he's a professor.

Dick

We have a long-standing bet who's the better golfer. Obviously I've got the bigger three wood.

Lenore

Good. Maybe you can use it to hit your balls right into my vagina.

[JASON, SHADIA and BRADLEY react to this suggestion with a combination of disgust and disbelief]

Clip 4

Jason has pulled up in a golf cart wearing a yellow Pringle jumper, yellow trousers and a white golf glove. He makes the mistake of asking how he looks.

Jason

Well... how do I look?

Dick

Like the keynote speaker at a butt-fu*king convention.

Clip 5

Dick has found two fine fillies on the golf course and has taught one how to drive through. He's making progress. Might even be able to seal the deal. But...

Jason

Hey, Grandpa... don't you think we should probably start golfing s....

[He has to duck as DICK throws his club at him]

What the FU*K?!

Dick

Wanna be a lamb and get that for me?

Golfer

Did he just call you "Grandpa"?

Dick

Who? Pepe? He's a retard. He's got it pretty bad, too. He thinks I'm his Grandpa. He usually sits at home just drawing dolphins all day. We used to let him out on his own but the raping got so bad that... you know, just... yeah.

Clip 6

Dick is not happy that Jason c*ck-blocked him with the two lady golfers. Now, every time Jason tries to tee off, Dick smacks him in the ass with his club.

[DICK hits JASON between the legs with his club]

Dick

Bam! Who does your taxes? H&R C*ckblock?

Jason

Stop it.

[DICK hits JASON again]

Dick

Bam! Are you still Jenny from the C*ckblock?

Jason

What the FU*K?! What is your obsession with my ass?

Clip 7

Jason's mobile phone has ended up in the footwell of the mini. He needs to speak to Meredith but with Grandpa right beside him...

Jason

Goddammit, I have to put it on speaker. Don't say anything.

Dick

I will not say a word.

[JASON accepts the call]

BALLBAGS!

Meredith

Hey! Who is that?

Jason

No-one. We're in a restaurant. Sorry.

Dick

[Mocking MEREDITH]

Who's that?!

Jason

What's up?

Meredith

Okay, well... I really want them to post our wedding announcement on the New York Times website before our rehearsal brunch Friday, so I just wanted to run your section back to you...

Jason

Yeah, you know now's really not a good time.

Meredith

Jason? Can we just do this, please?

[She begins reading the announcement]

Jason Richard Kelly, son of...

Dick

Doctor Smegma von Boxmunchers.

Meredith

... David and Brooke... is a Junior Associate at the law firm of...

Dick

Cream Pie, Fart and Donkeypunch.

Meredith

Okay, who IS that?

Clip 8

It's on. Like Donkey Kong. Dick and Jason are going to have to participate in a chugging competition to win the arms of their intendeds. Well, Dick's intended. Jason's engaged to be married.

Jason

Can we please just go? They've got boyfriends.

Dick

Those meatd*ck fu*ks? They're not their boyfriends. They're just seniors and they're all just terrified and speedfu*king each other before the ship goes down. Didn't you ever go on Spring Break?

Jason

No. I didn't go to Spring Break. Because I was studying for law school. Besides, I can't chug alcohol any more like I used to, Grandpa. I developed like a gag reflex.

Dick

A gag reflex?

Jason

Yeah.

Dick

You're chugging a beer, not taking down a horse c*ck, Jason.

Clip 9

When you're in the South and you're arrested; even if you are a lawyer, don't bother asking for your phone call. The local police will have fun with that one all day.

Jason

Guys, come on... come on, please. It doesn't... wh... why are we doing this?

Officer Finch

This is your phone right here, right?

Jason

That is my phone, yes.

Officer Finch

Well, you know what... we get to make one phone call on your phone. That's where you're just a little bit mixed up, you know...

Officer Reiter

Yeah, hopefully you're not out of Framily Minutes.

Jason

No, no, no, no, no...

Officer Reiter

Yeah we can have a free Uber ride on that. Take us out to lunch.

Officer Finch

Hey, you know what? We're gonna be kind and set you up with a Tinder account, too.

Officer Reiter

Ooh, how about Grindr? What about, uh... ooh, yeah... Hafez.

Officer Finch

Yeah, this. Look at this. Hafez. Is that how you pronounce that?

Officer Reiter

Yeah, what about Hafez?

Officer Finch

Yeah, huh? A little alone time with Hafez. He'd like some light conversation and heavy petting... flirting... flirtations.

Officer Reiter

Mmmm. He looks thick and lonely.

Officer Finch

You will meet him at eight. You'll bring wine coolers.

[She looks at the bulge in the front of JASON'S tight underwear]

And... children's condoms.

[Both cops laugh]

Clip 10

Dick is waiting at the police department for Jason to be released. When he is, he's dressed in clothes seized during a murderous gay orgy years previously.

Dick

Hey! There he is.

Jason

Don't even fu*king talk to me.

Dick

Look, I know things got a little... chaotic. But I'm so close with Lenora...

Jason

WHAT THE FU*K IS WRONG WITH YOU? I'M ABOUT TO GET FU*KING MARRIED, GRANDPA. IN ONE WEEK. To a Jewish girl. And I just woke up in fu*king jail with a bunch of penises on my forehead. In the shape of a swastika.

Dick

You could call it a Swastic*ck.

Clip 11

Dick is a lot older than Jason. But the truth is that his fashion sense is far keener and far more up-to-date than his grandson's which is why he can afford to give out this advice.

Dick

First of all... nobody wears a fu*king white belt. The only people who wear white belts are people who suck at karate and people who suck at life. Take the fu*king belt off. And you'd better lose that fu*king white polo shirt and those pleated khaki pants. You're meeting up with girls, you're not blowing an oil executive on a fu*king golf course.

[He throws JASON some trousers]

Put these on.

Clip 12

Lenora is up for a little "Dick". And I mean the character Dick... short for Richard. Not as in... honestly, you people. Your minds are in the gutter.

Lenora

For what it's worth? I still really wanna fu*k you.

Dick

Oh we're gonna fu*k.

Lenora

Yeah, we are.

Dick

We're gonna thunderfu*k.

Lenora

You're gonna tsunami on my face.

Dick

You're gonna flood like the Nile.

Lenora

Yeah, I guess the drought in my pu**y is finally over.

Dick

The villagers will finally eat.

Lenora

You're gonna die while you're eating me out. I want your last breath to be in my pu**y.

Clip 13

David knows the law. He's laying it down for Officers Finch and Reiter. Sadly, someone has drawn three large c*cks on his face and he's not aware.

David

Arrests made on the Interstate Highway System must be executed by State Police... not your local law enforcement from your adjacent municipalities.

Officer Reiter

You seem, like, really familiar with the penal code.

Officer Finch

Seem real cocksure about the jurisdiction you're in.

Officer Reiter

Real cocksure! Someone drew d*cks all over your face, you idiot!

Clip 14

Cousin Nick. He's weird. With a capital W. But, having been spurned by Jason, Meredith is quite happy for him to go down on her. At what should have been her wedding rehearsal.

Cousin Nick

Holy fu*king sh*t! Has anyone ever told you that you have the pu**y of an English Sheepdog?

Clip 15

At long last, Lenora is alone with Dick. It's going to happen. It's going to be awkward and pretty disgusting but it's going to happen.

Lenora

I like your pull-out couch.

Dick

Yeah? Well I've got news for you. That's the only thing that's gonna be pulling out tonight!