8 MP3 Audio clips from Road Trip (2000)

PLAY ALL 8 CLIPS

Clip 1

If penises could talk, if Josh's penis specifically could talk, perhaps this is what it would say about its current situation.

Josh

I've gone this long without cheating. I think I can hold out.

E.L.

You're already cheating. Any time you pass up sex, you're cheating on yourself. Think about it, Josh, you're in college. The window of opportunity to drink and do drugs and take advantage of young girls is getting smaller by the day.

Josh

I gotta make a call.

[He approaches a payphone and begins to dial]

E.L.

I'm telling you... you pass this up, it'll haunt you for the rest of your days. Your d*ck will never forgive you.

[E.L. crouches so that he's at eye-level with JOSH'S crotch and begins speaking to his penis]

What do you think, little man? Don't you ever want to experience something new?

[He assumes the high-pitched voice he imagines JOSH'S penis would have]

It ain't easy being Josh's penis. We've been here for two months now and I feel like I'm in a coma or something.

Josh

Stop it.

E.L.

I wish I was your d*ck, E.L. 'cos this is torture. If something doesn't happen soon I'm just gonna pack up my balls and leave.

Josh

Enough!

Clip 2

The boys are about to get a sneak preview of Josh's sex tape. E.L. can't contain his excitement. Which is wrong on almost every level.

E.L.

Barry... hit the lights... it's boner time!

Clip 3

Everybody needs a friends like E.L. Someone willing to forego his education to go on an 1,800 mile road trip to save your doomed relationship. Yeah. That's a true friend.

E.L.

You wanna drive eighteen-hundred miles in three days? Just fly.

Josh

Do you have money for a ticket? I don't.

E.L.

All right... so we're driving.

Josh

You're coming?

E.L.

What else am I going to do? Stay here and learn? Road trip!

Clip 4

The boys are killing time on the road by discussing what does and what does not constitute cheating. You're going to wish that Kyle never got involved in this conversation.

E.L.

I don't know why you feel so guilty, Josh. Because technically you haven't cheated on Tiffany anyway.

Josh

What are you talking about?

E.L.

Well, there are these rules that guys have. An understanding as to what exactly constitutes cheating. Take your situation, for example.

[Laughs]

It's not cheating. It's never cheating when you're in a different area code... not to mention a different state. Or if, uh... you're too wasted to remember? It is not cheating. 'Cos if you can't really remember it... it never really took place.

Kyle

Okay, I've got one. Are you ready? It's not cheating if you spread peanut butter all over your testicles and let your dog lick it off.

[The boys react to this suggestion the way any normal human being would. With disgust and disbelief]

Because it's your dog! You know, because it's your dog.

Rubin

No... yeah, yeah we got it!

Clip 5

The boys have broken down in the middle of nowhere. Surrounded by trees, E.L. can apparently hear the distant sound of banjos.

Josh

DAMMIT!

E.L.

Yep. I give us about twenty minutes before our first ass raping.

Clip 6

Rubin is trying to score some marijuana, his having been destroyed in the fireball that engulfed Kyle's Ford Taurus. The hotelier isn't much help.

Hotelier

Do you need something?

Rubin

Yeah. Um... This is sort of an unusual question but... do you have any marijuana I might be able to buy from you? Our car exploded last night and I'm practically all out of my own.

Hotelier

Am I a drug dealer? No. I am not. Thank you for asking, though.

Rubin

No? Okay. That's okay. Thanks.

Hotelier

Is there anything else I can help you with? Perhaps you'd like an eleven-year-old prostitute sent to your room? We can do that. Or maybe we can off someone for you. Hmm? How's that sound? I've got it. Why don't we start small? Would you like a fresh towel? Maybe you could roll that up and smoke it.

Clip 7

Kyle's parents have arrived at the burned-out wreck of their son's car. Earl needs to comfort his wife with encouraging words. The CSI, however, is a little too honest.

Earl

It's gonna be okay. I'll find him. And we'll find whoever did this. I promise. It's gonna be okay.

CSI

If I had to guess? I'd say somebody was raped and murdered here last night.

Earl

What the hell gives you that idea?

CSI

I don't know. Just a feelin'.

Clip 8

Desperate for money, the boys visit a sperm bank to make a... deposit. E.L. sees an opportunity to cavort with one of the nurses. And he gets WAY more than he bargained for.

E.L.

The moment I saw you out there? I thought you were incredible. I mean you're not like most of the girls I know. You're a real woman.

Nurse

That's fine. Could you turn around, drop your pants, put both hands flat on the table?

E.L.

Ohhh... my... God. This is great!

[He assumes the position]

What... like this?

Nurse

Exactly.

[She snaps on a pair of latex gloves and begins lubricating the fingers of one hand]

E.L.

I have to admit. I love you in that uniform. Do those nylons go all the way up or are they like those thigh-high kind?

Nurse

I'm gonna perform a procedure on you called milking the prostate. It's an anally-induced ejaculation. You're gonna feel strong pressure on the prostate gland from inside your rectum.

E.L.

Come on now. You don't have to get all scientific on me, baby. I mean we can just talk...

[The nurse begins the procedure]

E.L.

Whhhaaahhh! Ohhhh, ahhhhhh!

[He continues verbalising his discomfort and simultaneous pleasure]

STOP! Okay, keep doing it. Yaaaahhhhhhhhh!