9 MP3 Audio clips from Neighbors (2014)

PLAY ALL 9 CLIPS

Clip 1

Mac and Kelly are trying to spice up their love lives. Sex on a dining room chair seems like a good idea but Mac gets a little bit carried away with the verbals.

Mac

This is crazy! We're doing this on a dining room... I've never had sex on a dining room chair in my whole life. This is amazing. I'm taking you to Boner Town, b**ch.

Kelly

Don't call me "b**ch!"

Mac

Okay. I'm sorry. I'm taking you to Boner Town, love. Okay.

Clip 2

Jimmy needs to do his research. Seriously. Because if he thinks he's going to find a girl on Grindr, he's going to be waiting a very long time!

Jimmy

It's Jimmy time. You know what I mean? And the girls, when you're dating...

Mac

Yeah?

Jimmy

Holy sh*t! See, we missed out on the whole, kind of, sex-tech bubble, you know what I mean? Now they got Sex Book and Fu*k Friends and... there's this thing called Grindr, which is just... your phone beeps when there's someone horny near you. It's kind of amazing. It's mostly guys, but I'm gonna find a girl pretty soon.

Clip 3

A themed party at the Delta Psi property throws the Radner household into confusion.

Kelly

What are you... what are you wearing?

Mac

What is this?

Kelly

What are you doing?

Mac

Yeah.

Teddy

We're throwing a Robert De Niro party. Should be pretty fu*king loud. It's probably gonna go pretty fu*king late, too. I'm, uh... Taxi Driver De Niro.

Pete

Yeah, I'm Meet the Fockers De Niro. I'm watching you. I'm watching you.

Mac

Who painted that mole on your face? Did you do that yourself?

Pete

Yes, I did. Yes, I did, Focker.

Clip 4

Having found a condom on the front lawn and put it in her mouth, baby Stella is rushed to the ER where Kelly and Mac are now anxiously awaiting the test results.

Doctor

Your baby...

[There's an unbearably long pause as he consults the medical notes]

...has HIV.

Kelly

[Gasps]

Oh, my God.

Doctor

Is how bad this could have gone. The condom was unused.

Kelly

WHO THE FU*K SAYS THAT TO A COUPLE OF PARENTS?!

Clip 5

Turning clay casts of their erect penises into custom dildos is the fraternity's latest money making scheme. But Garf didn't get the memo.

Garf

Hey, you know, I think the clay is stuck to my pubes.

Teddy

Why do you have pubes?

Garf

Wait. You guys shaved?

Teddy

Dude, I texted you. I said, "Shave."

Garf

I thought we were taking pictures. I cleaned up a little, but...

Teddy

Not your face.

Clip 6

As they lovingly push baby Stella on the swing, Mac & Kelly discuss the manner in which they're going to get revenge on the Delta Psi fraternity.

Kelly

Maybe I have been a ho who's taken down some bros.

Mac

Ho, no, you haven't.

Kelly

I'm just saying.

Mac

You have? That is messed up.

Kelly

I'm saying, that's the only way. We've got to get in there, we gotta infiltrate. Get those little motherfu*kers, turn them against each other.

Mac

Okay.

Kelly

I'm serious.

Mac

Just ease up.

Kelly

Sorry.

Mac

She's on the fast road to her first word being "c*nt." It's not cool here.

Kelly

Sorry.

Clip 7

Drunk sex is never as much fun in reality as it might sound. And when a false British accent becomes involved... yikes!

Mac

Let's do something crazy.

Kelly

Why don't I stick something up your arse?

Mac

No, not tonight. Not tonight. Can I stick something up your ass?

Kelly

No, I'm not that drunk.

Mac

Oh, I'm gonna come soon.

Kelly

Okay, I'm not even close.

Mac

I'm gonna come.

Kelly

Come, baby.

Mac

I'm coming.

Kelly

Are you close?

Mac

Come on. And... I'm too drunk to come. I'm not gonna come. It's gone mushy.

Kelly

Thank you, sire.

Mac

[In British accent]

I will take the gentleman's route out and call it a day, for no ejaculation will be occurring due to over-intoxication.

Kelly

Thank you.

Clip 8

Having missed a night feed, Kelly's breasts are painfully engorged (and full of alcoholic milkshake). There's only one solution to this particular problem. Mac has to milk her!

Mac

Okay, let me call my mom. She'll tell us what to do right now.

Kelly

Do not call your mother! Jesus! You Jews and your fu*king mothers!

Mac

What do I do?

Kelly

Milk me.

Mac

What?

Kelly

You're gonna have to milk me.

Mac

I don't want to milk you.

Kelly

Well, you're gonna have to.

Mac

Well I don't fu*king want to! What do you mean "milk you"?

Kelly

You don't have a choice! Be a man and milk me.

Mac

Milk yourself! Try milking yourself!

Kelly

I can't... Ow!

[Sobbing]

Mac

Oh! I'm sorry. Okay. Get on your hands and knees. We need a pail or something.

Kelly

What?

Mac

You gotta get on your hands and knees.

Kelly

I'm not a cow!

Mac

Well, how else do you do it?

Kelly

Just, normal.

Mac

There's no normal way to milk a human woman.

Clip 9

Jimmy is fine with the fact his estranged wife is screwing one of the fraternity boys next door. But Mac & Kelly need him on board. Time to turn the emotional thumbscrews.

Mac

One of those childs (sic) is having sex with your wife.

Jimmy

It's fine. We're divorced.

Kelly

Jimmy! Wake up!

Mac

Wake up, man.

Kelly

His d*ck is this big!

[Indicates something curiously long]

Mac

"Hey, homie. I'm gonna fu*k your wife with my giant d*ck."

Kelly

"Oh, my God, this is amazing."

Mac

"Oh, my God, homie. It feels so good."

Kelly

"Wow. Oh, my God."

Mac

"It feels so good, homie."

Kelly

"What are you doing later?"

Mac

"Oh, homie, let's do it. Oh, God, homie."

Kelly

"That's amazing."

Jimmy

Okay, enough! Stop imitating! I get it! He's got a huge d*ck! And her vagina, "Bye!" It's ruined!

Mac

Ruined, gone.

Jimmy

It's like when you lend a fat friend your shirt, and it comes back, and it's all stretchy and flappy!

Mac

Sagging all over the place!