9 MP3 Audio clips from Zack and Miri Make a Porno (2008)
When Zack (Seth Rogen) and Miriam (Elizabeth Banks) find themselves broke, without water, electricity, gas or next month's rent, they hit upon the idea of making a low-budget porno to bring in some much-needed dollar. But their plans to make "Star Whores" goes badly awry when their studio gets flattened. An alternative location for the shoot must be found.
When Zack (Seth Rogen) and Miriam (Elizabeth Banks) find themselves broke, without water, electricity, gas or next month's rent, they hit upon the idea of making a low-budget porno to bring in some much-needed dollar. But their plans to make "Star Whores" goes badly awry when their studio gets flattened. An alternative location for the shoot must be found.
Mr. Surya is the boss of the café where Zack and Delaney work. Delaney doesn't suffer fools gladly. Zack will just side with whoever happens to be winning an argument at the material time.
Mr. Surya
Mr. Delaney... can you work for me tomorrow?
Delaney
Tomorrow's Thanksgiving.
Mr. Surya
Then you must come in the next day I tell you. It's Black Friday.
Delaney
Black Friday?
Mr. Surya
It's the biggest mall shopping day of the year and since the mall is just up the street... I would like you to come out and work.
Delaney
On Black Friday.
Mr. Surya
Oh, yes.
Delaney
All right, want me to work on Mooley Monday too?
Mr. Surya
I'm sorry?
Delaney
How 'bout Nig**r Tuesday.
Mr. Surya
Nig**r Tuesday? Is this a new holiday?
Delaney
You come to a brother and tell him he got to work on Black Friday. You got any idea how racist that sounds? Telling me to come in and work, what... you think you own me?
Mr. Surya
I never say this I tell you.
Delaney
But you thought it, didn't you? You thought to yourself, "I'm gonna lay down the law for this nig**r because I put food on his table and clothes on his little nig**r baby backs. He ain't gonna say sh*t."
Zack
This ain't Amistad.
Mr. Surya
You shut up!
Delaney
God damn right this ain't Amistad. Can't wait 'til the Post Office settle my disability suit. 'Cos then I'm gonna be out this mother fu*ker 'cos I'm gonna be Oprah rich. You can kiss my ass!
Mr. Surya
You know what? Fu*k you... fu*k you... and suck c*ck!
Clip 2
Zack and Delaney are having a deep, meaningful conversation about relationships. Zack doesn't want to complicate things. Delaney wishes he'd stuck with his right hand.
Zack
We got a good thing going, man. She... she... she pays half the rent, she does dishes, she wakes me up in the morning. Why complicate that with sex? Besides, man I've known her since the first grade. You don't fu*k someone you met in the first grade.
Delaney
Excuse me, I met my wife in Kindergarten. We got married senior year and she's been the queen of my world ever since.
Zack
But what if you could do it all over again?
Delaney
I would jerk off and live by myself. The woman is the bane of my existence.
Zack
See?
Customer
Excuse me. Can I get a cup of coffee? Black.
Delaney
Can't you see we're talking? White!
Clip 3
It's Zack and Miri's high school reunion. Nobody recognises him. But he certainly recognises Roxanne. She's sitting alone. Until he joins her.
Zack
Zack Brown. We had four years of Spanish together. Why does no-one recognise me? Am I thinner? Is that it?
Roxanne
Look at him!
Zack
Who?
Roxanne
My stupid husband.
Zack
No... fu*king... sh*t. John Butterfield? You actually married John Butterfield? That's amazing.
Roxanne
Don't ever get married. It sucks. You stop appreciating each other and you run out of sh*t to talk about after the first year.
Zack
Hmm.
Roxanne
But look at him now. Chatty as fu*k. Flirting up a storm with that cheerleader nimrod Monica Von.
Zack
You want me to maybe flirt with you so he can see to even it up a bit?
Roxanne
I don't want to get even. If was gonna do anything I'd want to one-up the a**hole.
Zack
Give me a hand job in the girl's locker room?
Roxanne
Fine but make it fast.
Zack
Fu*k, yeah!
Clip 4
Zack doesn't recognise everyone at the reunion. Brandon isn't at all familiar. But then Zack doesn't watch gay porn.
Zack
What do you do? Wh... what brings you here?
Brandon
Oh I came here with somebody who went to school here.
Zack
Really?
Brandon
Bobby Long.
Zack
No sh*t! That's... that's who my friend's hitting on right now. See right there? The one dressed like Hannah Montana?
Brandon
In L.A. we call that look "Nickelodeon Chic".
Zack
Wait... L.A.? Los Angeles?
Brandon
California.
Zack
That's awesome, man. What do you do out there?
Brandon
I'm an actor.
Zack
Wow. That's really impressive.
Brandon
Thank you. Thank you.
Zack
In fu*king movies?
Brandon
Fu*king... movies. Yeah, pretty much.
Zack
Look at you! What... anything I've seen? Wh... what movies?
BrandonBrandon
Oh, all sorts of movies with all-male casts.
Zack
All-male casts? Like Glengarry Glen Ross? Like that?
Brandon
Like "Glen and Garry Suck Ross's Meaty C*ck and Drop their Hairy Nuts in his Eager Mouth."
Clip 5
Knowing that Miri is wasting her time flirting with Bobby Long, Zack does the noble thing and saves her from herself. By introducing her to Brandon. Bobby's boyfriend and star of such films as...
Zack
Hello, Miriam.
Miri
Beat it. We're talking.
Zack
I just wanted to introduce you to Brandon.
Brandon
Salutations!
Zack
Bobby's boyfriend.
Miri
Bobby who?
Bobby
Bobby me!
Brandon
Bobby Long.
Zack
Brandon, uh... is the star of such adult fayre as... what was that one called again?
Brandon
"You'd Better Shut Your Mouth or I'm Gonna Fu*k It."
Zack
That's right. I'm surprised I forgot that.
Miri
Are you fu*king with me?
Zack
No. They're fu*king with each other.
Clip 6
When that awkward moment arises when you can't think of anything to say? Say nothing. But don't, DON'T say this. Ever.
Zack
So, you guys suck each other's c*cks, huh?
Brandon
Oh... like crazy!
Clip 7
It's audition time for Zack & Miri's debut porno flick. The potential cast are reading selected lines from the script. Some of which are... interesting.
Man
Cradle the balls, work the shaft.
Old Man
Jerk my cum crayon and let me colour you white.
Old Woman
I need c*ck and I need it now.
Young Man
I'm fu*king you in the puss.
Younger Man
I'm fu*king you in the... puss.
[Rhymed with truss]
Zack
It's "puss" as in... pu**y?
Younger Man
Oh, because I was like... who would... who would wanna fu*k puss?
Enthusiastic Man
I want to slam my ham in your can, woman.
Clip 8
The auditions continue with Zack and Miri asking each candidate if they have any "special skills". I don't think they mean juggling or ventriloquism.
Miri
Well, so, uh... do you have any special skills?
Lester
Special skills...
[He thinks for a moment]
I can get a boner really quick and it sticks straight up.
Miri
[Quietly to ZACK]
Is that really a special skill?
Zack
I think it is. Can you... can you show us what you mean?
Lester
Sure.
[LESTER stands up, drops his pants and clearly gets an instant erection]
Miri
Oh, that is special. Yeah, you're hired, Mister, uh... who are you again?
Lester
Lester. Lester "The Molester" C*ckinshtuff.
Miri
No!
Zack
Wow! That is the best porn name I've ever heard, man.
Lester
I can have a porn name? Then I'll be... Pete Jones.
Zack
Okay.
Clip 9
The cast has been decided. Now it's time for the first read-through. The movie is " Star Whores" and the characters are "appropriate" caricatures of the originals.
Zack
Uh, I will be Hung Solo. Delaney, my friend... you are On Your Knees Bend Over.
Delaney
Man, I can't be in no porno. My wife'll kill me.
Miri
[Channelling Princess Lea]
Hump me on your knees Bend Over, you're my only hump.
Delaney
On the other hand... fu*k my wife.
Zack
Unfortunately On Your Knees Bend Over does not have any sex in the movie. But the droids do. I-C-U-P and R2-T-BAG.