14 MP3 Audio clips from Trainwreck (2015)

PLAY ALL 14 CLIPS

Clip 1

Amy is preparing to make another notch in her bed post. But this guy is different. As you're about to discover.

Amy

Oh no! Sh*t! That's your d*ck?

Guy

Uh huh.

Amy

Too big. Your d*ck doesn't end. Why doesn't your d*ck end?

Guy

[Laughs]

Amy

Have you ever fu*ked someone before? Where is she buried?

Guy

[Laughs]

Amy

That looks like the whole cast of Game of Thrones.

Guy

[Laughs]

Clip 2

Dianna is the editor of a typical men's magazine. She has a winning way with her staff. At least she thinks so. The rest of us? We're pretty certain she's just terminally rude.

Dianna

That's it. I'm sick of your ginger nonsense. I don't wanna see those nashers. No. Stop it.

[Turning to face a young man who's just entered the room]

What's this?

Bryson

That's our new intern, Donald. I thought we were getting a chick but he's here.

Clip 3

It's the morning meeting and Dianna has asked her editorial staff to pitch ideas for future articles and features. Bryson is full of them. Well, full of something, anyway!

Dianna

Bryson?

Bryson

Okay, I got one. "You're not gay. She's boring."

Dianna

Good.

Bryson

Yeah.

Dianna

Fantastic. I can see it.

Bryson

Thank you. Okay, I have another to pitch. Maybe a cover? I don't know. Uh, "You call those tits?"

Dianna

That's good. Yeah.

Bryson

And then maybe a where are they now piece about, uh, the kids Michael Jackson gave settlements to.

Clip 4

It's time to task the editorial staff. Nikki, as usual, is given a truly horrific article to research.

Dianna

Nikki. I want you to research whether garlic makes semen taste any different.

Nikki

Oh. Um, how am I supposed to...

Dianna

Thank you.

Nikki

... get them?

Dianna

You inspire me.

Clip 5

Kim & Amy's father is in a nursing home. They're discussing the advantages of the home he's in compared to some less salubrious accommodation.

Amy

This nursing home is nice.

Kim

Yeah. It's too nice and it's too expensive and we should have put him in a sh*t hole.

Amy

We did. No, I mean it's a sh*t hole. It's just, like the nicest sh*t hole.

Kim

Yeah.

Amy

Places where the nurses don't fu*k the patients are expensive.

Clip 6

Kim & Amy are clearing out their father's old belongings. Kim is being pretty indiscriminate. Amy points out that certain things have sentimental value.

Amy

No. Don't throw away his snowglobes. These are his memories. He got one of these everywhere he went.

Kim

Does he have one for every one of our teachers? I don't see them.

Amy

He didn't fu*k all our teachers.

Kim

He fu*ked all my teachers!

Amy

No. He never fu*ked Mr. Hect... I did!

Clip 7

Amy always pauses to chat to the homeless guy outside her apartment building. Even when the conversation is likely to unfold as this one does.

Amy

I'm gonna visit my Dad.

Dumpster Guy

Oh. How is he?

Amy

Uh, we put him in an assisted living facility. I don't know how nice it is, actually.

Dumpster Guy

Hmmm, I know exactly how you feel. The car I take a sh*t in? They towed it. Yeah.

Amy

That sucks. Sorry, man. All right, I'll see you later.

Dumpster Guy

I'll see you later. I'll be here. Hey, I'm digging that back camel-toe!

Clip 8

Amy is interviewing Aaron for an article on sports medicine. I'm not sure how this misunderstanding came about but it says a lot about someone.

Aaron

I... I'll tell you another thing that's great about this job is that I get to work with athletes which means that I, uh... work out with a lot of, um...

Amy

Black people?

Aaron

Injuries. What did you just say? Did you say black people?

Clip 9

A romantic evening at the cinema ends with Amy causing an argument between Steven and a fellow patron. An argument that goes South pretty quickly because everything Steven says sounds gay.

Man

Hey, uh... Mark Wahlberg... shut your b**ch up.

Steven

Mark... Mark Wahlberg? Me?

Man

Who else looks like Mark Wahlberg? Your girl?

Steven

Mark Wahlberg's like a hundred and fifty pounds. I'm two hundred and fifty lean. I look like Mark Wahlberg ate Mark Wahlberg.

Man

Your muscles aren't the fu*king problem.

Steven

Do you...

Man

It's your yappin' girlfriend.

Amy

Just say "fu*k you"

Steven

I will FU*K you! All right? I will ENTER you!

Man

You're gonna... you're gonna enter me? You hear what he said?

Amy

What are you talking about right now?

Steven

I'm just trying to intimidate him.

Amy

You're just talking about raping him.

Man

You're not about that life, champ. I can see it.

Steven

Oh, I AM about that life.

Man

No, you're not. You just like to flex your muscles...

Steven

No, no, no... I will get crazy up in here. You like movies? We'll make a movie. We'll make "Mamma Say Knock You Out" starring my fist and your d*ckhole.

Man

Oh sh*t, the fu*k is wrong with this dude?

Woman

He wants you.

Amy

Babe... your threats I'm telling you... they're super gay.

Steven

Too sexual?

Amy

Yeah!

Man

This has to be the corniest muscle white dude I've ever seen in my fu*king life.

Steven

Okay, Koko B. Ware, you know what? You're being an a**hole. All right? You know what I do with a**holes? I lick 'em.

Amy

Okay.

Man

What the -

Woman

He wants to fu*k you.

Steven

Okay?

Clip 10

Sometimes you're better off keeping fetishes to yourself. And if you ARE going to share it with others, probably best not to share it at work.

Noam

Hey, have you ever seen any kind of article about a fetish where guys like to masturbate to hockey fights?

Amy

That's not a thing.

Bryson

Not a thing.

Noam

Then why did it work for me?

Clip 11

Sometimes even the most innocent conversation starts to sound distinctly dirty. This innuendo-ridden dialogue would have passed me by were it not for the fact I have a dirty mind.

Dianna

I want this promotion for you, Amy. You know? I want you to help me to help you. I need to go up there to the men upstairs and I need you to provide me with the ammo to get them to know that you can handle their workload. Can you handle their load, Amy?

Amy

I can handle all their loads.

Dianna

That's it!

Clip 12

Dianna and Amy are reviewing the proofs from Aaron's recent photo shoot. Dianna is less than impressed.

Dianna

Did you see the pictures? You know, we did a photo shoot. Look at him. Personally I don't like his odd bird face but... we tried everything. We tried a ball. Supposed to be a sports guy. I don't think he'd ever touched a ball before. Not that kind, anyway. And there he is. Look at him... standing there stiff as a scarecrow. These guys, they're hot, right? We even got him wet. I mean would you fu*k that?

Amy

Sure.

Dianna

You would? I wouldn't fu*k that with your d*ck!

Clip 13

Amy and Aaron are having their first fight. She doesn't know what he sees in her. He doesn't know how many men she's slept with. But it sounds like a lot.

Amy

What's wrong with you that you wanna be with me? I... I'm a... I'm a drinker...

Aaron

I don't CARE.

Amy

I've been with a lot of guys.

Aaron

I don't CARE. How many?

Amy

I don't know. How many girls have you slept with?

Aaron

I've slept with three women.

Amy

Me too. I have slept with three women too.

Clip 14

Amy, under the influence of far too many drinks, has NEARLY slept with Donald... the sixteen year-old intern. Dianna can't tolerate behaviour such as that.

Dianna

I can't have one of my employees having sex with someone underage and beating them up. You know? One or the other but not the combo. See what I'm saying?