9 MP3 Audio clips from A Very Harold & Kumar Christmas (2011)

PLAY ALL 9 CLIPS

Clip 1

There's a long queue for Santa at the Mall. A queue which Kumar jumps straight to the front of in order to ask Santa for a "special present", one which Santa keeps in the trunk of his car.

Santa

Who's next to...

Kumar

SANTA!

Santa

Kumar, no... Merry...

Woman in queue

Back of the line, Tech Support!

Mother

C'mon, is this a joke?

Kumar

Hold the fu*k on, Reba. Your son can rub his ass on Santa's c*ck in a minute.

Clip 2

Santa has come up with the goods. He's got quite a selection of "horticultural" gifts in the trunk of his car.

Santa

Okay. On the menu today we have... Winter Wonderweed. We have Rudolph the Red-Eyed Reindeer. Oh, It's A Weederful Life.

Kumar

Oh gosh, does everything have to be about Christmas?

Santa

Hey, some people like the holidays. I mean, I had some Hanukkah Hash but the kids from Temple Sholom Emanu-El cleaned me out.

Kumar

Jesus...

Clip 3

Vanessa has got some important news to impart. If only Kumar can put his bong down long enough to hear it!

Vanessa

Kumar, I... really need to talk to you.

Kumar

[Draws on a bong, the liquid is heard bubbling as he inhales]

Vanessa

I'm pregnant!

Kumar

[Coughs violently]

You're pregnant? We... we practised safe sex. I mean, I pulled out and came on your back. Maybe a couple squeaks got by but is that all it takes?

Vanessa

Yes! That's all it takes. No wonder you flunked out of Med. School.

Kumar

Hey, I didn't flunk out of Med. School. I failed a drug test.

Clip 4

Todd may be a father. He may be relatively responsible. But he has no idea how to diffuse a situation. He gets completely flustered. As this example demonstrates.

Latrell

Hey, how you doin'? I'm Latrell.

Kumar

Hello. Kumar.

Latrell

This here's my partner in crime, Lamar.

Todd

So you two own this tree lot?

Lamar

Yeah, what... a couple of brothers can't sell trees? Only swinging from 'em like monkeys, YOU HONKY?!

Todd

What? No. Course not. You could do both!

Clip 5

Ava (Todd's two-year-old daughter) has so far inhaled marijuana smoke and ingested cocaine. And it's not even midnight. Todd is at the end of his tether.

Todd

[Wolf whistles]

OKAY. LISTEN UP! PARTY'S OVER BECAUSE MY BABY... IS FU*KED ON COCAINE.

Clip 6

Harold and Kumar are planning to steal a 12 foot Christmas tree from the cathedral where midnight mass is about to take place.

Harold

What back room?

Kumar

The back room that all the priests are guarding... Roldy, am I going too fast for you?

Harold

No.

Kumar

Okay, good 'cos you're gonna be the one who's in charge of distracting them.

Harold

How the hell do I do that?

[Cut to montage of plan being executed]

Kumar

Easy. You'll just use our secret weapon.

Noah

[Dressed as an altar boy, clutching a pillow]

Pillow fight in the altar boy's room. Last one there's a rotten egg.

[Priests begin chasing NOAH through the corridors, feathers flying everywhere]

Clip 7

Neil Patrick Harris returns as himself for a third time (yes, resurrected by God himself having been murdered in the last movie) and he's still chasing the ladies.

Harold

Still doesn't explain the gay thing.

Kumar

You're not gay, mother fu*ker.

Harold

At all.

Neil Patrick Harris

[Giggles]

Yeah, that's a little something we magicians like to call misdirection. A little trick I learned from my pal Clay Aiken.

Harold

What?

Kumar

Clay Aiken's not gay?

Neil Patrick Harris

Are you kidding? Clay's the biggest coozehound I know. That guy gets mad gash.

Clip 8

An unlikely hero, Waffle Bot has just saved Harold & Kumar from being burned alive. But his battery is low.

Kumar

Thanks, Waffle Bot.

Waffle Bot

You're welcome, Kumar. Pancakes are... fu*king...gayyyyyy!

Clip 9

Santa (yes, the real Santa) has given Harold & Kumar a lift home. He has some passing words for Harold.

Santa

Well I guess this is goodbye, Roldy. Be a good boy next year.

Harold

All right.

Santa

No more jerking off into a sock filled with baby powder.

Harold

Eesh.

Santa

[Laughs]

Don't worry. I'm just teasing you. I do it, too.

[Laughs]